Mine would be, too, Dire.
Right. Just need to ask something. I suspect it's one of those questions where the answer will be obvious as soon as I've asked it, but still...
The overriding reason that I ended things with my now exbf, but one I haven't told anyone IRL, is because I'm not happy with my weight at the moment.
I feel too fat. It makes me feel unattractive and I didn't feel like I deserved him. I felt like it was obvious he'd be looking at other women because I wasn't attractive to look at; and that I didn't have any right to expect him to be faithful because I wasn't offering him any real incentive - I could hardly expect him to 'forsake all others' for me when I'm not really much of a catch; that he 'deserved' to be with someone who physically 'did it' for him. And I wasn't going to be that person. I don't actually know if he ever did. And he always maintained from the start that he was very much against it. I knew it was a dealbreaker for him.
In the time we were together, he only commented three times on my weight. The first in response to him talking about going to the gym and needing to tone up and I said I could probably do with losing some weight, too. He said, that I probably could lose a couple of kilos, if I wanted to, but that he wouldn't like me anymore than he already did.
Once, when I asked him outright if he found me attractive and he said he did; he thought I was beautiful and pretty much the same again (I had asked him to be honest and wouldn't have wanted him to tell me I was "perfect as I am" or anything, because that wouldn't have been honest)
And once when he said similar again on the back of something I'd said, but added that it was probably his country's obsession with women being skinny" that fuelled it because he found my tummy pretty sexy and said that he preferred the fact that when we went out I actually ate and enjoyed food with him. But he never said anything directly that made me feel bad about it (apart from the recent comments about me being beautiful when I was happy, but not when I wasn't etc). That was all me.
He didn't even pass comments on other women. Or compare me to them. In fact, the only thing he ever said was, "my ex was beautiful. But you are beautiful too." And he never said anything unpleasant about other women either. I saw plenty of women that my exH would have slated physically, but he didn't say a word. I passed a comment once, just to see what he said, and he wasn't impressed! In his eyes, I think all women were beautiful! Didn't stand a chance really...
I couldn't get past the fact that his other girlfriends had been slim and attractive and that he was attracted to slim and attractive women. And, the bottom line is, most men I meet will have been out with women who are slimmer and more attractive than me.
There were other things that weren't great, or right, but this feeling that I wasn't slim or attractive enough underpinned everything for me. It was a filter through which I saw/heard/experienced everything.
I know all the stuff about personality and the person inside shining through and people looking more attractive once you know them, and all that, but it just doesn't feel 'enough'. I just feel really guilty that I'm not 'more' or 'better'.
I don't know how to deal with this. I feel much more positive this morning, generally, but this is still an issue. I just feel more motivated to do something about it now.
I've been slimmer than I am and bigger than I am. But I didn't feel any better about myself then! I say horrendous things to myself, the sort of horrible things that other people post on threads where obesity and size are discussed.
I'm 5'3; my measurements are 32F/34E (depending) 30 inch waist and 40 inch hips. I'm 10st 12. I know my measurements suggest that I should be 'bigger', but, because of my shape, and the style of clothes I wear, I fit into 10-12 clothes (vanity sizing and brands make a difference. Sometimes I wear a 14. Sometimes a 12 is too big. But I look 'big'. I think I felt best when I was 9st 7-12. So I really do only have a stone or so to lose. But I don't carry it well or, look nice, even then.
I don't even know what I want to ask anymore 
From what other people have said on here, being slim and/or attractive isn't the answer to finding a good relationship. But how can I ever expect anyone to be attracted/committed to me? When there is always going to be someone more attractive, that they might fancy? That's what I just can't get my head round, I think.
A few months ago a man I kind of knew asked me out. We've become good friends since and he indicated a couple of weeks ago that he was still interested. I don't fancy him at all. But I'm not sure if it's because I just don't fancy him, or if he is unfanciable to me because I know his exgf is tall, slim, very attractive and blonde. Not a 'beautiful' woman, but very pretty and slim in a real girl next door kind of way - and she's a lovely person too! I wouldn't want to have to follow someone like that.
I've said I don't want a relationship again, really. That's not true. I would. Of course, I would. But I won't because I know that I won't feel any different about myself. And I'm not prepared to feel that bad again. This is why I feel better when I'm single, because I can make myself look 'ok' in clothes, but when the chips are down and the clothes are off, it's not nice. Oh and I don't believe that bollocks that when you're naked all a man is thinking is, "I'm going to have sex" because, presumably, they don't forget what you look like afterwards.
I'm not feeling despairing or 'sad' particularly. Just a bit frustrated, pissed of and, well, if I'm honest, cheated that I'm not better than I am! 