Dating Thread 80

[UrsulaBuffay]

As we were saying...

Hi all.

Folk girl I took the time to read back your previous posts as I didn't want to comment without some idea of what's going on. I have to say I think you have dodged a bullet there.

The comments he said to you about smiling and not looking pretty when pulling a face are crap. He is telling you who he is. He thinks he is more important in this relationship. It wasn't equal and from your posts he has been eroding your self esteem. Every woman out there thinks other woman are better looking. Even the really gorgeous stunning ones. In my opinion all women are beautiful. Please don't let this man make you think you are beneath him.

When a man tells you who he is. Listen. I wish I had. I didn't say on my original post earlier but I split with my fiancé of 14 months on Sunday. However I'm not hurt or upset because he fucked me about that many times I just don't care anymore. In fact I feel relief. But in the early stages of the relationship he was soo loving. He couldn't keep it up though. The ones like that, they never can.

The whole point is this man didn't deserve you. Because he wasn't willing to consider your feelings. Only his own. How he wants you to act. How he wants you to look. Then chucks in depression because he could tell you were pulling away.

You have made the right choice and if you need to feel sad over it feel sad. But pick yourself up soon, dust yourself off and get yourself back out there. You know you have low boundaries so it's time to face them. Date other men. The moment you feel unsure get rid. Don't follow the same patterns.

I had a bloke start messaging me that I had a brief fling a couple of years ago with. Because I appeared on pof again he thought he would try his luck. Started off all nice then send a video of himself. Then asked me over for DVDs on Friday and drinks. The old me would have gone because I get lonely and want someone. The new me after this most recent shite relationship thought about it and told him no. The only way you can break patterns and build better boundaries is practice. And it's a big self esteem booster when you realise you are treating yourself the way you deserve to be treated.

Good advice there Direwolf

Hi All,

Just about to attempt online dating for the first time and have spent the evening writing my profile. Was wondering if anyone would have a quick critique of it as I have no idea whether its good, bad or indifferent! Sorry if this is the wrong thread for it, hope no one minds...

"I'd say I'm the girl next door, easy going, enthusiastic, optimistic and not without a slightly geeky side. I asked my friends how they'd describe me and they came up with; fun loving, generous, witty, hardworking, caring and trustworthy... of course they are slightly biased!

I love getting outdoors for a long walk or going jogging. Aside from that if I'm not with my boys, you'll find me hanging out with friends, reading and listening to music, watching a film or dancing round the kitchen whilst cooking! I'm half way through a degree which will lead to a career I'm passionate about.

Life is what you make it and I'm happy with where mine is heading but it would be nice to have that little something extra. That person that makes you smile as soon as you see their name on your phone, that you can't wait to share your great news with or curl up with on the sofa after a long day.

In a man I'm looking for someone thats trustworthy (obviously), caring, upbeat, passionate about something and fairly active. I don't have a type but think its really about building on that initial spark and seeing what happens. I guess here is a good a place as any to start :) Oh and I'm not looking for casual hook ups, thats not my thing at all!"

fuzzy I think it is a good profile ..you write about you & convey it well, in addition you are clear about what you are looking for.

Thanks Just its good to have some feedback. Its so hard to get a feel for how to encapsulate everything in just a few words! Well here goes... I'll update and let you all know how I get on. New member of the dating thread, eeek :)

Hi fuzzy. It's not hugely dissimilar to my profile in it's style and content-type. I always had positive feedback about mine.

Thanks for the support and kind comments yesterday.

Jarlin I won't be contacting him again. I don't see the point. I don't get this keeping in touch, or trying to be friends. I don't want to know when he meets someone else or wonder what he's doing when he goes out. Or listen to anything that might draw me back in.

I don't compare myself to magazine women, I know they're not real, but there are plenty of slim, attractive women out in the real world. I see them, they're out there. I don't see how anyone could be looking at me not secretly wishing I was more like them.

I'm sorry you didn't hear from slow, but I think it's probably going to make it easy to make the final move on from him now. It would for me anyway.

Vintage Yes, I suspect it was very similar especially the bit about inflicting yourself on other people.

Hissy Thank you. I think I probably should have told him to FTFO a couple of times, really. I would do next time. I need to concentrate on making my boundaries stronger and respecting myself more

dippin I don't doubt that, really. It really is just that I feel ashamed of not being slim and attractive and know that no one's really going to fancy me when they see me nekkid. My exH didn't fancy me, I'm not really sure that this man did, really.

Direwolf Thank you so much for taking the time to read my posts and replying Actually, I think you've summed that aspect of it up completely. He was selfish and it was only about him and how he felt, ultimately. Your words are very wise, I'm just struggling to make it translate to me being ok. He might be all of those bad things, but isn't he just articulating what a 'better' man might think, but just be too polite to say?

I saw a friend last night who just said, "look at it this way, he was a really good looking bloke. He wouldn't have been interested if you were pig ugly". Which, I suppose sounds right, but then that's what was concerning me. The fact that he was good looking. He was late 40s and not ageing particularly well, but still good looking he was gorgeous when he was younger. Gorgeous and had very beautiful girlfriends. I don't think it was about him being shallow and going out with beautiful women to make him look/feel better. They are the girls he would have attracted naturally. He was one of the 'beautiful' people. Clearly self centred and a bit arrogant, but beautiful. Him 20 years ago would not have been interested in me 20 years ago.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. I'm not interested in meeting anyone else for a good while yet, if at all. I'm much happier and feel much better and more attractive when I'm single.

Just re-read that. I hope I don't comeacross asjust 'objectionable'. Some of my 'core beliefs' are very well entrenched and difficult to see through.

I always feel embarrassed, ashamedand a bit guilty if someone treats me badly, largely because my mother used to ask me what I'd done to deserve it and tell me how I should look/dress/behave differently to peevent it happening again. That was always the advice; to correct myself.

There was never any suggestion that the fault may lie with them.

I keep countering people's points because I nee to try and break that belief down.

I think...

folk you can not take all the blame, your mother was totally wrong. People do things for all sorts of reasons , we are all flawed, no one is perfect. As for your guy not fancying you 20 yrs ago , I don't fancy the guys I fancied 20 yrs ago either . As we get older we grow as a person and change ! If you think of it like a car, everyone wants a lovely sports car , but when you get it , it's high maintenance , expensive to run etc !! most guys like the high maintenance beautiful model when younger , but they realise it's not the right choice long term . That is not saying you are second best .

Hello all, I just can't keep up with you all. Have a date tonight with MrItalian, on the phone he sounds great just not so sure about the looks, I wish I was not so shallow. I don't even get nervous anymore as been on that many dates and mostly disappointed, is my selection process wrong maybe?

Fuzzy I like your profile - if I was a man I would date you!

Folk I want to put my arms around you, smother you in love and make you like yourself. You need to like/love yourself, really believe it, to allow someone else to love you. Your mother has said so many wicked things to you growing up that it is hard to undo those feelings and see your own worth. At some point though we have to take responsibility for our feelings as grown ups. I have issues with men, I have low self esteem with them and I think it is down to my relationship with my father whilst growing up, I never felt truly loved for myself, second rate to my brother etc. I believe that this has effected my dire choice in men.

BUT at the ripe old age of 47 I am trying to change this. It cannot go on. Only I can change myself, the way I see myself. And to be honest I am pretty fab! I am still standing after everything that life has thrown at me, still standing and often laughing, trying to find the goodness in life. I am channelling my inner self belief. It doesn't matter what I look like (after the first hour of knowing someone looks don't come into any more), the shallow men who don't like my looks can fuck off, it is the inner me that is important. What I think, what I feel, how I love. That is what is important. If someone cannot see my inner strength then they are not worthy of me. Never underestimate the power of this woman!

Blossom good luck for tonight with Mr Italian. Give him a chance. If you have had an easy chat with him on the phone then that's good IMO.

I've bitten the bullet and joined POF. Much more traffic on there. Have been messaging a couple of men. One by text. No dates yet. Feeling sceptical but hey ho. I find it difficult to know how to approach the fact that my son died. There is usually the question how many kids do you have fairly early in messages. I have two sons, just one is dead. How do you say that? I can't bring myself to just say I have one son, it doesn't sit right with me. But it doesn't sit right with me talking about my son with strangers. But if I don't mention it it seems like lying by omission. I go round and round in circles.

Oh Minmooch, just read your post about your son...how sad and unimaginable what you've been through. such a brave lady x

Minmooch - I absolutely understand what you mean about not wanting to say you have one son. Could you say you have two sons and then if asked further just say you will elaborate at a later date. I think people understand that there are often things that are personal to each individual and reasonable people would not want to push you for information if you're not ready to give it. Don't say you only have one son as you're not comfortable with that - you don't need to give explanations or go into detail until you're ready to and with the person you feel you can comfortable do that with.

Also, Minmooch, I joined pof a few weeks ago. I agree, there is far more traffic and I get a lot more messages than I did on match.. however, the majority of the messages I get are just the same old two-word nonsence 'hi sexy/hon/how's you' stuff. I do get a fair few messages where it is obvious that the man has read my profile and refers to stuff in there as well though. I am a real pedant about grammar and spelling and you certainly get a fair amount of law breakers of this kind on pof but I find it more entertaining and fun than match and now I've got two dates with two different men lined up. This is bloody adventurous for me because previous to joining match I had met the grand total of two different men in 7 1/2 months!!! I also went on a date with a guy two weeks ago from pof who was lovely, don't think either of us were attracted to the other but we had a great chat and laugh. I can recommend it basically is what I'm saying!!

We'll I have a date for Saturday lunch. I will call him MrEngineer. He's texted a few times and we have spoken on the phone. Only I have a cold so have a very croaky voice and I kept on squeaking and coughing. Didn't put him off. No kids and not been married - two things that go against him but he seems upfront about it. I remain sceptical. I am channelling my inner belief.

How old is MrEngineer, minmooch?

I had a date with MrWrongEmail y'day. He's really lovely, but lives an hour away, which might be an issue.

Oh I just sound like such a whiney wench. I'm sorry Thank you for your kind words again

I'm having an early night tonight and hoping that a good night's sleep will give me a clearer perspective. I've got some good stuff coming up so I've got stuff to look forward too. I'm going to have a good long think about myself and what I'm all about and what I can do to improve things.

It's hard to explain, I think the reason I feel ok when I'm single, is that I know I'm an ok person generally. It's only really in relation to men that I have this issue.

Minmooch I would tell them you have 2 sons. Because you do. You don't have to reveal your most personal information to people you haven't even met. I always said I had 2 children - one at primary and one at secondary school, but I didn't give their ages or their names to anyone. In fact, I didn't really talk about them because I didn't feel comfortable talking about them to a potential/first date anyway. I think it's something you can comfortably put off disclosing until you are certain you want to give someone that information about yourself, your children and your family.

Good luck on POF.

Blosssom Good luck, tonight.

you sound stronger, the pair of you, and that's cheering me! :)

i've got a second date on Monday.

tell me, when you've only met once, and there has been a bit of a kiss, isn't that a bit weird on a first meeting? or am I weird?

it was ok, nice kind of, and I certainly woudn't have wanted to do that with the other guy I met the week before, but is it normal to kind of kiss someone you meet for the first time?

i'm going to have to snog him on monday aren't i? eek!

giggly he wants you to move in! That says a lot. Just bite the bullet and speak to him. Have you said the L word to each other?

I'd recommend pof over match any day

Minime85 We have now! Turns out he was holding back as he didn't want to put any pressure on me. A lot would need sorting before I could move it. It is exciting and it feels right but apparently it is too quick.

Ah folk girl. What kind of mum brings a daughter up telling her she should be different than who she is for the sake of a man or to be more appealing to men.

You don't come across as objective at all. You come across as a very smart woman that suffers from the same condition I do. Overanalysing. It doesn't matter how things might have been twenty years ago. Also when a man that is good looking shows his not so good looking personality I'm not sure about you but suddenly they just aren't so good looking anymore. Maybe once upon a time in that past we all like to spend too long thinking about he might not have gone for you. But you are so much more than looks. Some of the most beautiful people I know may fall under the non supermodel category but they are beautiful because of who they are.

Have you ever walked down the street and seen a stunning man with a woman you think isn't quite on his par of looks? Probably because not only is she pretty in her own way she is also a lovely interesting kind independent person. And visa versa with stunning women and not so stunning male partners.

There is a really good book by Louise hay called you can heal your life. She believes at the heart if every problem is learning to love yourself. And I very much agree. How many times do you look at yourself in the mirror and think bad thoughts about yourself and your looks. How many times do you look at your reflection and actually be nice to yourself and love your looks because they are a part if you? Until you are kind to yourself and treat yourself lovingly it's not going to be easy to find that in a man. Treat yourself how you want to be treated by others

I am still chatting to mrstern as I shall call him as he looks so serious in his pictures. He seems really nice but despite saying he would like to meet he hasn't suggested any actual day yet. I think it will probably fizzle out to be honest but that's okay, i will just dive back on in there in my quest to meet someone special

I do believe in romantic love. My great grandad was a poet and he wrote the most gorgeous poems about my great grandma. I want a love like they had and I'm not settling for anything less rather be on my own and happy like I am, than settle.

Morning well date was great actually MrItalian was rather lovely. Drinks and dinner and chatted for a few hours. He wants to see me again and text me saying please don't meet anyone else until we meet again. ( not in a horrible demanding way but like please give me a chance way) Rather sweet actually. I have another date lined up tonight but not sure what to do. Only down side is he has 5 year daughter, could be tricky.