Dating Thread 80

[UrsulaBuffay]

As we were saying...

Hello everyone may I join in?

I'm new to od but have been chatting to a man for the past four days. He seems lovely and has asked if I want to meet. I'm really nervous having never done this before but I've said yes. He has now asked what I would like to do and I'm not sure! It would be nice to meet somewhere we can chat and for there not to be drink involved initially. Any ideas?

Well I'm almost new. I joined an od site for a month but never met anyone from it. I was on....the very first dating thread. Still remember the lovely lady who started it. :)

Direwolf I would suggest something that you are (relatively) comfortable with.
I prefer meeting in a pub for a drink..can leave after one or have more, but if that isn't your thing then a coffee or a walk?
Meals are tricky as you are stuck if you're not feeling it & then I feel I have wasted money.
Just go for it...you have nothing to lose!

I woke up at about 4 feeling ok. I don't regret ending it, but I am feeling really sad again, now. I just feel very heavy hearted. Obviously, there were things that weren't right in the relationship, but I also went from believing he loved me to realising he couldn't because I wasn't slim or pretty or 'good enough'. Just couldn't believe he could want me, when his ex girlfriends had been 'beautiful'. I just felt like he thought he could no longer get one of the 'beautiful' girls and so he'd settled for me. And in the end, I think that started to show. I just didn't trust him at all on any level, but the proof I had that he was fundamentally untrustworthy was all the nice things he said to me. I have no idea what the truth was; whether he was trustworthy or not. No idea.

I can't see a point when I would be ready to accept that either, to be honest. That whoever I'm with will have had to 'settle' - settle for someone who isn't as pretty as they hoped for; who doesn't look nice in a bikini; who isn't sexy; who isn't intellectual enough; who who isn't good enough in any respect, really. So I guess this is just it now then, and I'm on my own for the long haul. I suppose at least I recognise it.

I don't even know if he did love me, I just feel like I'm back at it never having happened and everything 'she' ever said is there as loud as ever. And I don't know which of all the 'voices' or which of all the messages are real. And she probably shouldn't have said the things she did, but it doesn't mean they weren't true.

Sorry, just rambling through a lot of thoughts this morning.

Jarlin Have you had a reply yet? Personally, I think you needed to be a bit more 'to the point' in that email. You weren't expecting to hear from him and you spent many months being understanding, accommodating, facilitating, with his mum's death and everything, but you wouldn't be able to keep going like that indefinitely. I think that whatever the outcome from this, it will be the one you need. You couldn't reconcile and have it look the same as it did before.

Dire I found meeting for a drink/coffee was a good idea, too. It's easy and comfortable to leave after one drink if you want to, but also gives the option of extending the date if you want to.

Folk it's not that you're not good enough, remember?

this guy was jealous of you having a life, he begrudged your social life and punished you for living.

that behaviour's not driven by the way someone looks!

what it does say is that he's pitifully insecure. the fact that he's gone out with pretty women in the past supports this as it's all about how his gf makes him look. your social life made him look dull/unpopular and he felt threatened. in his little head. I bet too that you'd give all the 'pretty' ones a good run for their money, even if he made you feel that you weren't quite up to their standard.

I think he made you feel like that to make you feel less secure, very subtley.

this guy isn't good enough for you.

a real man would want you to be happy, fulfilled, popular and social.

with him ultimately you'd be miserable, lonely and worn to a shadow of your fabulous self.

give it time, this sadness will pass. don't forget you're mourning for the death of hope here too, grieving for the fact that it'll never be the relationship you hoped one day it would be. but it never would have been.

Pinklaydee yay! i'm not alone! :)

hissy I do think he was insecure, yes. He said he was proud of the things I did and liked that I did stuff, but the reality was that when I did them it made him uncomfortable.

But that's not really the issue. I know it eouldn't have worked long term. But I am still not good enough.

If men didn't want pretty women who look good in lingerie, then films and magazines wouldn't be full of them!

Someone would be making pretty big compromises to be with me and I don't want to be with someone knowing they'd made those sacrifices. If they didn't think they deserved better than what would that say about them?

Folk

I do the same thing comparing to magazines etc , even yesterday I sat watching this girl majority preening away you know type of thing full make up even straightening her hair on the strain ffs

She looked lovely to start with and I thought why do it.
It's pressure that's put on all of us.

Untill recently I kept thinking I needed to be like my IT ex and in a way I still do but when I saw him recently his mate asked if he'd seen Lola recently and he said no but his sis had and apparently she looked awful .

He said nice that a girl make an effort but she was over the top even spending 20 mins putting mascara on and that she was trying to b e something she wasn't.

That kind of struck a cord , I'm never going to be skinny but you got to remember these magazines are air brushed etc and even the pretty girls spend time trying to look good so we have our insecurity.

Hello everyone. Min I just wanted to offer my solidarity, why are some men so amazingly rude? The same happened to me recently and I was raging, more about the fact I was supposed to be all cool about it and not tell him I thought his behaviour was shitty.

On another note, I need some advice, have a second date with someone who is ott keen - asked for a breakfast date for the next morning while on the first date, wanting to text all the time, compliments galore etc. I feel like I hardly know the guy and it's really off-putting. I like space, lots of space. Good morning/goodnight texts would freak me out. I agreed to date two so I could decide if I fancied him or not, but I think he is already picking out my wedding dress. What can I tell him about the above without seeming rude??

folk, please dont do that to yourself. Im posting as someone whos mother was and is a narcisist. I think i probably grew up the same as you, ended up in a series of abusive relationships ( well, two) and then pretty much spent 5 years undoing all the damage of my first 30 years of life and realising that the reason people say and do stuff like this only speaks volumes about them and nothing about you.
it wont be because you arent good enough, it will be because of his issues, or that you just didnt work as a couple.

As i said earlier, maybe last thread, I have done a lot of dating, I want to say that I was far more successful with better men when I was fatter. I just got messed about more when I was thinner. Im currently fat, pretty much at my fattest. Im about a size 16, and im short. So, very fat :) However my boyfriend loves it, he says he cant keep his hands off me, i just feel so good. He thinks im beautiful, tells me all the time he cant believe how pretty i am. This is comparison to my mother who used to tell me i was so ugly noone would ever want me, and my ex husband who criticized me so much that i stopped going out socially as i felt i didnt want to inflict myself on other people. and the worst thing is, im not ugly, i am actually pretty attractive.

Its not you, not at all. Its them.

Oh and the shag and vanish types, yeah its shit.I dont think you have to be all cool about it, if you want to tell them its shitty, then do. Thats the stance I took in the end, would leave it till i knew it was over and then text them and said something along the lines of it being pretty bad manners. Always made me feel better and less passive in the situation.

I honestly think he does it on purpose Jarlin, I think he likes fucking with you

would you want to be with someone where talking honestly scared them off? thats not going to make for a good relationship long term, you would never be able to be honest or say anything if you were unhappy.

i also think he likes messing with your head.

folk i am in full post mortem mode too at the moment. Not sure my conclusions will be correct and it takes up far too much of my energy. I have always done this, i don't think there is an objective story, just his story and mine. I would like to hear his so that I can better understand what went wrong. However this wouldn't help because people convey a particular account that they are able to share, which is usually a function of their needing to manipulate the narrative to some benefit. So as much as you try there is only ever our subjective account of any event. This leads me to jarlins dilemma.
Questioning if you use the right tone, inflection, words and second guessing how your communication effects men, their moods and responses. Its crazy and i know i started to do this constantly with mrc. I realised this long before i sent email. He seeks perfection in everything. This led me to behave very differently to the confident feisty person i am. In retrospect i realise that i wouldn't be permitted to speak my mind, be true to myself and ultimately i would never have my needs met whilst he held all the cards. Communication is more than words, it is used to manipulate, control and to benefit those who engage in it. A very effective form of communication men like this use is silence. It is used to discipline you into responding and behaving within their desired limitations. I would hold your line, be true to yourself and know that when you sent that blunt email you were being true and assertive. Going down the root of analysing our every response and then shaping that to fit within another persons narrowly defined menu of acceptability leads to all kinds of problems. The worst case being abuse, the best a total negation of ones own needs.

Someone would be making pretty big compromises to be with me...

hardly! you are a great person, as proved by an active social life and loads of friends, you have a kind heart and are loved, you are lovable and attractive.

We all have to make allowances for others as they might not do the same things as we do, but that is not a compromise.

He treated you abysmally! you had every right to tell him to FTFO when he moved away, let alone this pretending to go out with another woman bollocks.

Not good enough, yeah maybe, but not YOU that's not good enough, that's for sure.

I may not be a size 10, but i am a good person, a great friend and girlfriend and if anyone dismisses me purely based on the size of my arse (which technically could be reduced) then they can FTFO.

I know that I may not be attractive to some, but I don't find everyone I see as attractive either. I'm prepared to be open minded and want to see past purely outer appearances, to see what that person has to offer. yeah there has to be attraction, too, but a kind, loving, trusting man that sees you as a attractive woman, is happy to pitch in and help if you need it, cares and is there for you, happy when you are happy is a pretty attractive proposition! I'd find that sexy tbh. :)

Can't believe how fast this thread moves!! Not sure if you will all remember me.

I am spending 5 full days with my BF and we have a couple of day trips planned. Even to a country house which he will probably hate. He has mentioned planning for his birthday in october, Christmas and maybe a holiday with his son early next year. Plus he wants me to move in. Not straightforward though. Still no feelings talk either.

Jarlin There isn't a set date to move in or anything. I think he wanted me to know that was where he saw it going. Depending on my shifts we have got into a pattern of me being there 3 / 4 nights a week for the past few weeks. It is nice - just doing every day things together rather than arranging a day / night out together - it seems more like normal life rather than being on best behaviour.

I don't know what sort of time frame is normal to move in?!

jarlin if you waited until you had calmed down , it wouldn't be the natural response from you .... It would be a thought out very carefully response. It is true with all technology these days we analyse everything we text / mail etc.
folk you are totally worthy of a loving relationship, your man was too far away and he didn't want to spend time with your friends or family etc. .. He is the one with problems !
As for the guys who are great until you dtd and the sikence, they never wanted a relationship ... just a leg over but didn't want to look like that type of guy. I have been on the receiving end of this and I was raging , but if made me more careful in future.
I have another date with the guy tomorrow night... its moving slowly , which for once in my life I am quite happy about.

giggly with my exh I moved in after 2 months... We met online 8 yrs ago. We did do everything quite fast !!

Hey everyone, the guy I'm meeting from Match.com tonight keeps looking at my profile!!

The messages have been lovely but I feel a bit perplexed. I've looked at his a few times since we began messaging. But he has already viewed mine 3 times since midnight past night. Is that weird or ok?