Dating Thread 80

[UrsulaBuffay]

As we were saying...

Hi all, sorry I haven't kept up with everything going on.. have been lurking but will come back to this properly later when I have more time.

In the meantime, I need some advice if you can help..

So.. if you remember Skier (I dipped my toe tenantively into OLD a few days ago.. Skier caught my attention almost immediately. We've had a few emails back and forth.. we work in similar areas and have a few things in common).. Anyway, I had my first 'date' with him yesterday - I mean, we met each other over a cup of coffee.

He was almost exactly as I thought he would be - seemed really lovely, we had a lot to talk about and I think there was some chemistry. How much chemistry I'm really not sure.. but we got on really well and it was pretty relaxed with lots of smiling. There are a few complicating factors which we realised probably meant that our relationship (or what could become one) was on to a bit of a non-starter (I won;t go into them for fear of outing myself). So we parted ways basically saying that we both had a really nice time and good luck for the future etc..

Anyway.. so I emailed him after to say thanks for the coffee etc. and that it was really good to meet him. He emailed back saying pretty much the same, and that he liked me a lot and would like to see me again - if only as a friend.

So I emailed back and said that that would be great - I would like that.

So - given that I am totally out of practice here (and I actually really like him!!) (a) what is your interpretation of that? Does it sound like he actually likes me or was he just being polite (his email was longer and more complimentary than that)
and (b) should I wait for him to contact me? Or do you think he is waiting for me to contact him at some point?

I deliberately left my last email short and open, to give him the opportunity to either leave it there or to ask me out again. But I'd quite like to say hi sometime this week.. or suggest meeting again. The complicating factors are on my side, which does leave the ball a bit more in my court.

sorry - I seem to have momentarily killed the thread
and I'm feeling pretty down about the whole OLD thing.

Ducked I ask about height quite early on Tinder, and where they live..no point in spending ages messaging to find out they are short & live the other side of the country!
It does very much a hook up site, in my experience.

I've just found the following description of 'a charmer' which perfectly fits of of the men I've had the misfortune to come across;

'An expert sweet-talker and wordsmith, he will be able to adapt to any crowd and hold any kind of conversation, from political happenings to the local arts scene to the best minutes in the latest celebrity sex tape. But all of these things bore him incredibly – that’s his telltale characteristic: boredom…mind-numbing boredom. The Charmer can only fill his boredom with different sexual and courtship challenges he sets for himself, oftentimes rarely having any actual interest in the woman he is lusting after. But he will always present himself as a progressive man that treasures nothing more than feminism and gender egalitarianism above all else. He is full of shit and enjoys his own hypocrisy – this alleviates the aforementioned boredom.'

Is there such a thing as texting too much? I'm confused about all the etiquette, the main person I'm messaging at the moment, we have basically texted all day long since we "met". We have talked about so many different things and we just seem to have so much in common and he makes me laugh so much, is it too much? I'm worried its all got a bit too intense too soon . This one has been complicated by the fact he works away and I have also been away this week, so no chance of a date before next week. I'm really trying and failing to not get over invested in him hence still messaging date guy.

He is after a shag second date, I did quite fancy him, although nothing long term is ever going to happen because he is a bit boring , I would quite like to have sex with him though aaagh.

Don't know what to do, maybe put off the date with shagger until I have met lovely guy? Then what if we do get on in person, its a bit soon to say yep not see anyone else, its so confusing.

Another I was messaging and had a date with, sent me a picture with something in the background that tipped me off after a bit of googling that he was married which is depressing what a twat.

Wow Lottie I recognise the charmer!

Velouria, I have found that some men are desperate to get the first shag in after they've met you because they're worried you'll disappear and not come back. Consciously or unconsciously, they seem to feel after sex that they've 'got' you and you will be more likely to see them again. Maybe some will disagree with me on this point.

Does anyone think we should have a thread of red flags as an aside?

So did I justatoe. It perfectly fits the description of the guy who is still phoning me in the middle of the night. On the surface, all seems good, you scratch the surface and find out how shallow they are!

Morning all
Had a brilliant night I know ppl had there reservations so did I lol
But we chatted for a bit and met the girl who you know he'd asked out it was so funny the way she looked me up and down but we'll she a fast mover she was there as someone's date!

It will be hard just to be mates but I'm sure in time I'll get used to it x

Hi everyone, sorry to just jump in like this, but I would like your thoughts on dating etiquette. Specifically, at what point are you meant to stop seeing/ dating other people? I've met someone I really like but was thinking of seeing a new person on Saturday- would it be norty?

dipping I would probably leave it to him to contact you. He will let you know if he is interested, as a friend or for more.

The silence from MrSA is screaming loudly! Not quite sure what happened really. We were meant to meet before I went away. He had to cancel and tried to rearrange but both of us away. A couple of awkward text messages and nothing from him for nearly a week after my last message (a friendly hi from holiday and leaving him with a question).

Very disappointed as I liked him and after 4 dates and a wonderful night it would have been exciting to explore some more. However, the silence seems rather disrespectful. I would like honesty - this is either something that could be explored further or it's not.

Hey ho. Positives to take from this experience - after a 3 year drought I can thoroughly enjoy sex! I want a man who is affectionate, desires me (mutually obviously), fun and a great kisser. Attraction for me only comes with emotional and intellectual comparability so I was feeling rather hopeful with him.

Lost my confidence in my ability to see what is what. I thought we were having a good time. He seemed to as well. Must learn to relax. What will be will be. Wish it were a tad easier though.

minmooch, your situation sounds similar to the one I had with MrTall. We got to date 4 and everything was going quite well (or so I thought) and then the contact dried up and I knew he was withdrawing. I've now read a few posts where this seems to happen around this stage of dating so I wonder if this is when guys start thinking ahead to the future? But I totally agree, it does feel dishonest and like game playing.

MrTall has not text me since his last message basically saying he feels let down and even more unsure. I have pangs of feeling sad about it but I also think he is not interested and it's not my job to wait around for him while he makes up his mind. Having said that, if I'm brutally honest, I still kind of hope he will get in touch even though it would be foolish to keep this going. I guess it still feels like it's in the air as neither of have actually said 'let's call it off'.

I'm tempted to reactivate my POF account but worried MrTall will see it. I'm also contemplating a date with MrTall-1 but again I feel kind of disloyal until MrTall has said it's a definite no. I also have concerns about him, he's quite keen and keeps pushing the sex talk. He's almost obsessed about what clothes I wear and what I'll wear on the date if we have one . He does back off when I tell him to knock it off though.

SingleSock - your latest one sounds like the dodgy charmer I had. He has a thing about women's clothes which borders on abnormal IMO.

Dipping I'd be wary of sending mixed messages. It sounds to me that you're having second thoughts about how much of a complication your complications really are (hope that makes sense ). I'm wary of making friends out of dates. I know some people do so successfully but if there's attraction there I think that the waters can get horribly muddied.

Min am loving your positives analysis. It's the only way to go with OD. You learn from experience and sadly you do find you become more cynical, wary, weary and jaded but when it's right it's angst free, you can behave naturally without worrying about the passage of time before and after texting and you feel able to ask the tough questions.

Single you know my thoughts. I hope you don't feel bullied by me - I've never been that sort of person - but I do worry for you - daft but true. If you think you're able to sift through the crap that comes your way then reactivate your account. I swear to you that if a man is interested he will be in touch (unless he's seriously socially awkward). Note to the politically correct brigade - most men [eye roll]

Cheese it's a tricky one. I've lurked from Dating Thread one and the consensus, learned from collective bitter experience, is that until you have the exclusive chat, make no assumptions. At least once you've had the exclusive chat then either party is entitled to metaphorically hit the other person over the head if they find out about other dating activity. Remember: your idea of naughty might not be his idea of naughty.

I had a 'what are you wearing' weirdo once. We never met. He was erudite and cultured - loved art which was a big plus for me. Anyway, the messaging was going well and we were trying to find a date to meet. Then one morning he sends me a message saying he'd dreamed about me wearing a red see-through chiffon dress and described my hair, underwear, shoes and stockings (yes, he specified stockings, not tights!). So I went back to say we should stop messaging as he'd creeped me out with that message and he came back to tell how sad I was to not be a romantic. About three weeks later he sent his generic intro to me on the site which showed me just how 'special' I wasn't!

Hi

dipping I read your comment and I just thought it seems a shame. Are the complications really that bad? If someone makes you smile and is attractive....well.....(hehe just playing devils advocate...

I wrote yesterday about a guy I was speaking to on Tinder. He is of acceptable height it transpires. I'm pretty sure he's not just after a hookup, we have mutual friends it turns out.

He asked me out to dinner next week so I said yes. We've decided on a town halfway and he said I could choose venue as I know it better.

So we started chatting on Monday night and he messaged me yesterday. We ended it saying, I'd pick a venue and goodnight. I have no idea about these things, ought I message him first next, do I leave it until next week? or should I just wait for him to get in touch?

Amateur stuff I know. I just don't want to take it as red that we're going on a date. People change their minds everyday.

Dipping, it's hard to advise without knowing what the complications are. Personally, as you sent the last email and said you'd like to see him again, I'd wait for him to contact you again. It sounds as if you're both confused about whether you could be just friends or more - what would you like it to be? Of course there's nothing to stop you contacting him and suggesting something if you don't hear from him, though I guess it would partly depend on how you'd feel if you don't get the reply you want.

Jarlin, thanks for asking! Date number 5 with Walt tomorrow. I'm a bit wary now so I'll be quizzing him a bit more about the age thing. However I've also been spending far too much time thinking about what it would be like to kiss him...

minmooch, I'm really sorry that MrSA hasn't been in touch. It's so confusing when everything seems to be going well, and I agree that it's disrespectful. But it's great that you've taken some positives from it.

Single, of course this is only my opinion so feel free to ignore it, but I don't like the sound of MrTall-1. He's pushing sex talk and is obsessed with what you'll wear if you have another date? Wasn't he the bad kisser too? Personally I woudn't want to see him again.

Cheese, I'd stop seeing other people when there'd been physical contact (like a proper kiss), I think. But I know people have very different views on this.

Ducked, I think as you've agreed to choose the venue, it's fine for you to contact him with a suggestion. But after that I'd wait to hear from him. Hopefully your date will happen - it feels like a good sign that you have mutual friends.

Before, of course I don't feel bullied by you! This thread is a godsend for bouncing thoughts around and getting helpful advice. Of anything, I'm touched that you're worried about me. And fwiw, I think you're right. I don't know if I'm ready for this. It all started with a quest for a FB and then the excitement of OD took over but in reality, I don't think I'm ready for it. It's been a massive learning curve for me.

Cat, if I'm honest, I'm not sure about him either but I feel guilty and don't know how to cancel on him. I think he's a sweet guy but I'm starting to find his constant pushing of sex talk creepy. I've pulled him up on it twice now and he's apologised saying that he can't help but find me sexy, just sitting next to me has him aroused etc. but that he'll try go rein it in. We've arranged another date for Thursday. This is the bit I hate about dating, it's the letting them down when you don't like them. I feel mean and guilty, like I've led them on by being friendly on the date. I think it gets harder when there's been more than one date too.

What should I do?

Hi everyone,
I'm new to this thread but have been following it on and off. I've recently joined an online dating site and I'm finding the men on there a bit strange and clingy.

I seemed to get on well with one guy. He seemed normal at first, we had a chat on the site and he asked for my phone number. I said I would prefer to chat on the site. He said no problems and gave me his number, just in case. He kept writing long messages, mostly normal chat and talking about meeting. If I took too long to reply, he'd send another message saying "Are you there?? I'm not a psycho."

As it was late and I'd got fed up with talking to him, said I was going to bed, good night. He said good night....then about 15 minutes later sent me a message saying "I see you're not asleep yet. What are you doing?"

I worked out that he keeps checking the time I was last online (not accurate anyway as I have a phone app that doesn't log out.) I said I was going to sleep. He begged me to send him a message the next day as he likes everything about me

I didn't message him the next day as I was busy. When I logged in later, he sent a message straight away saying "oh I wished you had sent me a text or a message on here. How was your day?"
Is he a bit clingy or is it just me?

Coffee block that one he sounds batshit.

Hi Coffee, welcome to the thread.

What you have described is what I have come across too. I think the problem is that quite often, people just disappear mid conversation or will happily chat one evening and then never bother after that. It's the nature of OD as there's always the potential for someone to catch your eye. I find it a bit clingy too but I think he's just trying his hardest to keep you interested. That's my take on it anyway but feel free to ignore as I'm absolutely rubbish at this dating lark!

*someone else to catch your eye

Single he's not a sweet guy if you have asked him not to do sex talk and he keeps pushing it. Sweet and creepy should not be in the same sentence. I would be very uncomfortable to sit with a man in constant arousal - it has it's place! All you need to say is sorry you have changed your mind, you are not ready for dating and wish him luck in his search. You do not have to give him a character assassination. Just be polite and firm.

minmooch, he didn't tell me at the time, but yes, I was a bit surprised to find he'd been sat chatting to me with an erection . I'd just rather not know. I wouldn't ever list the reasons I wasn't interested but I feel guilty cancelling this late. I don't know why I feel like I owe these men anything but I can't stand the thought of rejecting them .

Thanks Single :) It's all a bit new to me! I guess it's because I never get anyone this eager in RL