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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Shocked at H's outburst

999 replies

Alwaysalone · 23/08/2014 06:07

Name changed..

Yesterday, as we're driving away for our annual weekend away (our only holiday every year), with DC (aged 1 and 3) in the car, H and I had an argument. It was over something silly (H had strapped in DC without putting her shoes on, and I hadn't packed any spare). I blamed him for it. Then, very placid, extremely kind H (who has never shouted at me in the 7 years we've been married), told me to 'shut the fuck up' or he'd 'punch my face in'. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.. After crying the remaining journey (me, and the kids), he drive us back home and unpacked his bag only, then went up to bed. When I attempted to discuss what he said in the car, he ignored me. When I enquired how we move on from this, he said 'we don't'. When I enquired what he meant, he said 'go figure'..

I slept in the spare room last night. I just don't know what to think. I don't know why he's being like this. He told me once a few years ago that I moan at him too much (which I accept, I have 2 young girls who are a real handful), but however much I nag, how does that justify what he said to me? In front of our children too... My heart is literally broken.. It's like there is no moderation in his behaviour. He's either silent, or he over exaggerates at the smallest thing. He has NEVER threatened violence before. Once, 3 years ago when we had another row (again, over something small), he told me he'd had enough and wanted a divorce. He then apologised to me (rare), and said he didn't mean it. Can someone help me make sense of this? Was it my fault? What should I do? I'm just devastated.

He has a good job, excellent provider, great dad and generally, very good Husband. I just don't know if I can forget what he said to me. He called me melodramatic last night too.. Am I being melodramatic? I know it's ridiculous to think about it, but my mum is seriously ill with a heart condition, and I don't want to add to her problems (she is usually who I turn to in times of problems)..

Please help.

OP posts:

LadyLuck10 · 23/08/2014 11:40

Some posters have really taken things to the extreme. If I were the op I would just step away from this thread.

capant · 23/08/2014 11:48

The Op has said her DP doesn't think he has done anything wrong.

DaisyFlowerChain · 23/08/2014 11:52

Hundreds admit on MN to smacking their children, it's not exactly rare. I hate smacking and surely discipline is something both parents agree on.

The man made a mistake. Nobody is justifying it or saying it doesn't matter. Anyone can snap and say something awful. From his perspective he is shouldering the whole financial burden even though it sounds like he never agreed to his wife quitting work and maybe he would have like the option or to both work but less hours etc. On top of that he can barely afford time off as has to pay for a full time nanny as such as well. And that's all without the constant put downs.

Both sides have made mistakes. Now they need to see if they can get past it and, if so, what can be done to relieve the stress that's obviously there.

It was just a missing pair of shoes, easily replaced and the holiday could have continued. Most people forget something when packing, it's no big deal.

Original poster

Alwaysalone · 23/08/2014 12:00

wildbill, can I say that I never put DH down. I nag about things (mostly with the kids). For ex, he keeps giving lactose intolerant dd2 cheese and onion crisps when he knows she's intolerent, and I nag him that he's putting her health at risk.. Or he'll take a poorly dd out with a bad cold in just at shirt and shorts. Or he'll decide to go cycling when we have invited our parents over for lunch. Please be aware, I'm NOT condoning my nagging. I KNOW what I'm doing is wrong. I REALISE AND RECOGNISE I NEED TO CHANGE (I'm not shouting btw, just trying to make this point clear). But how can we discuss this when DH refuses to talk?

I know it sounds ridiculous, but the way he screamed at me yesterday really shocked me. I'm a 34 year old grown woman, and heard a lot worse before, but to hear it coming out of his mouth broke my heart.

OP posts:

SugarSkully · 23/08/2014 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Alwaysalone · 23/08/2014 12:03

I respect all your opinions btw. I came here looking for advice, and as much as the truth hurts, appreciate hearing what I'm doing wrong.

OP posts:

FannyFifer · 23/08/2014 12:04

YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG!

FannyFifer · 23/08/2014 12:06

Stopping him from putting your children's health at risk is not nagging, it's really really not.

CromerSutra · 23/08/2014 12:07

I totally agree with you notinagreatplace, as does DW who grew up with a horribly violent father and mother. If the tables were turned and op told us she had been nagged and criticised day in day out for several years and had finally snapped and said what her DH had said the majority of responses would be very different I bet.

None of us know if that was the case here, we don 't know either person but one, spur of the moment threat could be someone who has absolutely had enough of being emotionally abused or he could be a dangerous, potentially violent bastard. Obviously the op should stay safe and err on the side of caution but totally ignoring the context of this is ridiculous.

EarthWindFire · 23/08/2014 12:09

If that is all you are saying then no you are not doing anything wrong.

If you decide that you want to work on things and stay together maybe you need to have an honest and open discussion about everything including maybe you returning to work and your DH becoming a SAHD. It does come across as if he would have liked to have had an opportunity to do this previously.

HeySoulSister · 23/08/2014 12:09

Where is he now? What is he doing?

capant · 23/08/2014 12:09

"he keeps giving lactose intolerant dd2 cheese and onion crisps when he knows she's intolerent, and I nag him that he's putting her health at risk.. Or he'll take a poorly dd out with a bad cold in just at shirt and shorts. Or he'll decide to go cycling when we have invited our parents over for lunch"

This is NOT nagging.

Nomama · 23/08/2014 12:09

Well, to be fair, Fanny, she is... she is trying to shoulder the blame for his actions.

OP if you can talk to him, do so. Maybe counselling, for you if not both of you. But if you feel that would push him to actions you are scared of, then you need to re-evaluate your relationship. A good husband would nit make any woman too scared to have any conversation.

It really is that simple. The hard part, initially, is seeing your way through your emotions. Good luck.

CromerSutra · 23/08/2014 12:11

Sorry op cross post, you do not sound like you are being emotionally abusive going by that last post. I guess then I would say that if he can 't recognise the line that has been crossed and apologise wholeheartedly and work with you to improve things then you are going to struggle to get past it aren't you?

Original poster

Alwaysalone · 23/08/2014 12:11

He's on the sofa watching TV. I'm in the kitchen with the kids. He's not talking to me, but thankfully normal with the girls..

OP posts:

capant · 23/08/2014 12:12

Alwaysalone - Why don't you ring Women's Aid and talk to them? Lots of women think they are only there for women who are being beaten up or really badly abused, and that is not true. They won't tell you what to do, but will give you space and support to think through this.

wirezip · 23/08/2014 12:13

I'm not sure why you keep using the phrase 'nagging'. What you're doing is certainly NOT nagging.

HillyandHally · 23/08/2014 12:15

always those examples you gave are not "nagging" they are examples of you being a good mum and responsible adult.

Your h on the other hand is either an irresponsible selfish child who needs to grow up a bit (generous interpretation) or a passive aggressive manipulative prick who does stuff like that to deliberately provoke you in order to get a reaction so he can blame you for "nagging".

I sincerely hope it's the former not the latter because i would hope no father would deliberately give their child food that would make them ill just to make a point.

And for the record in any of your examples i would certainly have something to say to my dp and if he fed my baby food that would make them ill more than once (which could be an oversight) I'd do more than nag I'd go mad. Stop doubting yourself.

Fairenuff · 23/08/2014 12:15

he keeps giving lactose intolerant dd2 cheese and onion crisps when he knows she's intolerent

he'll take a poorly dd out with a bad cold in just at shirt and shorts

Why? Why does he do that?

I would have had this out with him properly a long time ago. A proper, sit down, thrash it out, come to a resolution talk.

The problem with calling it nagging is that it puts the blame on the person who is repeatedly asking another to do or not do something.

The point is, in a non abusive relationship, no one has to repeatedly ask someone to do or not do something. They ask once, maybe twice and, if they are still ignored, they talk to their partner to find out what the problem is.

Unless a person has a learning difficulty, they should be able to remember things like their own child being lactose intolerant.

Original poster

Alwaysalone · 23/08/2014 12:17

cap, just hearing the words 'Women's Aid' makes me teary... How did we get to this? I wish I never mentioned the fucking shoes...

OP posts:

HillyandHally · 23/08/2014 12:18

And the fact that he is ignoring you now makes it worse. He really should be apologising for scaring you and speaking like that in front of dc even if he did just "snap"

EarthWindFire · 23/08/2014 12:18

Did you ever talk things through when he said he wanted a divorce 3 years ago or when he apologised was that the end of it?

Original poster

Alwaysalone · 23/08/2014 12:20

He just said sorry, he didn't mean it and we moved on.

OP posts:

capant · 23/08/2014 12:22

Alwaysalone - I understand, when something awful happens we all wish we could turn the clock back.

But I really think it would be helpful for you to talk to someone who could listen and help you make sense of this. Lots and lots of posters on MN have rung Women's Aid and talked to them. They can also give you advice on how to talk to your children about what happened.

EarthWindFire · 23/08/2014 12:23

Someone doesn't just say that IME, forget it and move on.

I think you are both in a stressful situation, him working very long hours with no let up and you in your situation too.

Could you go away with DCs for a couple of days to let the tension ease a bit?

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