Shocked at H's outburst

[Alwaysalone]

Name changed..

Yesterday, as we're driving away for our annual weekend away (our only holiday every year), with DC (aged 1 and 3) in the car, H and I had an argument. It was over something silly (H had strapped in DC without putting her shoes on, and I hadn't packed any spare). I blamed him for it. Then, very placid, extremely kind H (who has never shouted at me in the 7 years we've been married), told me to 'shut the fuck up' or he'd 'punch my face in'. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.. After crying the remaining journey (me, and the kids), he drive us back home and unpacked his bag only, then went up to bed. When I attempted to discuss what he said in the car, he ignored me. When I enquired how we move on from this, he said 'we don't'. When I enquired what he meant, he said 'go figure'..

I slept in the spare room last night. I just don't know what to think. I don't know why he's being like this. He told me once a few years ago that I moan at him too much (which I accept, I have 2 young girls who are a real handful), but however much I nag, how does that justify what he said to me? In front of our children too... My heart is literally broken.. It's like there is no moderation in his behaviour. He's either silent, or he over exaggerates at the smallest thing. He has NEVER threatened violence before. Once, 3 years ago when we had another row (again, over something small), he told me he'd had enough and wanted a divorce. He then apologised to me (rare), and said he didn't mean it. Can someone help me make sense of this? Was it my fault? What should I do? I'm just devastated.

He has a good job, excellent provider, great dad and generally, very good Husband. I just don't know if I can forget what he said to me. He called me melodramatic last night too.. Am I being melodramatic? I know it's ridiculous to think about it, but my mum is seriously ill with a heart condition, and I don't want to add to her problems (she is usually who I turn to in times of problems)..

Please help.

What the OP does next, is up to her.

Nagging is a term often used against women who are trying to get their partners to actually do their share and stop being so lazy.

This was not a comment.

The OP's DP threatened to punch her and she thought he was going to.

And he thinks he did nothing wrong.

That is the DP's fault. Nobody elses.

Have posters missed that this is a man that thinks smacking a three year old child is acceptable!

Fucking wake up

The other thing to 'know' is that manipulative people, abusers etc are not nasty all the time, otherwise they'd have no victims at all.

They are charming, placid, caring when they need to be.

the techniques such as not talking etc are manipulative techniques, the assertations that she nags when actually it's normal to be quieter at times when young children are sleeping/resting, to use a bib with a teething baby/messy toddler.

A real man gets this, understands this and puts his dc needs first. A real man would only need it brought up o his attention ONCE, because it would matter enough to him to do the best for his kids.

Seriously, have we been invaded?

Nagging is generally used as a term of contempt when a woman has an opinion. Op you say your mum has noticed this? What's your relationship with her like? Is she generally someone who is supportive and has helped you to become a confident woman? I have a sneaking suspicion she may not be.

The most important part of this is that he threatened op with violence in front of the kids and has behaved like a child since. I don't care if you were voicing an opinion, heaven forbid, that is completely out of order.

Please do not listen to the people who are trying to minimize his disgusting behaviour.

I was - thanks for posting that. It was the same with my dp. I got help. The ops dh is blaming the op.

DP and I have had lots of times when we have been majorly stressed in the car and argued. Not once has DP ever threatened to punch me.

To the posters excusing him on the grounds of her behaviour, would your replies be the same if he HAD "punched her face in"?

Add message | Report | Message poster WildBillfemale Sat 23-Aug-14 10:32:33 oh FFS people are giving advice on the facts not the what ifs"

But that's the thing about threatening people isn't it, the "what ifs". That's why they fucking do it! What if he follows through? OP has already said she was scared, the children will also have been terrified I imagine. The line has already been crossed and like a PP said, violence doesn't start with a punch in the face. I guess the make him a coffee brigade are lucky enough not to have experience of this.

I discussed this thread with DH who also wants to know, if you had a male neighbour who threatened to "punch your face in" after a row about noise or similar, what would you do? Make him a coffee?

You know, this is the second thread I have read today which has started being supportive to an OP asking for help, and then by the third or fourth page degenerated into other posters fighting amongst themselves about whose interpretation/opinion is "right".

Different people look at this from different angles, and are able to offer different perspectives. The OP can read them and decide for herself what seems to fit her situation. The rest of the bickering really isn't helping anyone.

The bottom line for me is that the husband threatened (and looked like he would) to punch her face in. And he has not shown any remorse for that yet. I understand that invisible line thing and he has crossed it.

This is very very wrong and my thinking would be that one or other of them shou,d be leaving until they are able to resolve that. You both need space to think about this.

I agree with Oakmaid.

Some of these replies are ridiculous.

Vilifying a man for one outburst in seven years when he is otherwise, as op says, a kind and gentle man is actually making me feel a bit ill.

No one is saying he did nothing wrong but saying she needs to leave because he's violent is just sick, really.

Both op and her dh need to look at their behaviour.

He's not doing that though. He's blanking her and it.

I agree Oakmaiden; the value of an Internet forum is to get different perspectives, ideas to help the OP to analyse her relationship, and work out a way forward. In my opinion (and others will disagree), it would be useful for OP to put herself in the mind/place of the others - how would her children feel? How does her husband feel? Why did her husband/children react in a certain way? Could it have been done differently? Could she have behaved differently? As well as how she feels.

Forums are not there to allow us to play 'top trumps' with regards to whose views are most valid, or who is allowed to post opinions.

I'm sure we all wish the OP, her husband and children a happy resolution, in whatever form. X

He is NOT an otherwise lovely person. He smacked a three year old child

LEM - he smacked her lightly on the back of her hand for hitting her baby sister. It's something that a lot of parents do and have done. It's a matter of debate whether it's helpful or not, but it certainly doesn't make him about to belt the day lights out of the OP or the children FGS.

Hissy Not putting a bib on a teething baby doesn't mean he's 'not putting his DC's needs first. I don't use bibs for teething babies - if my partner wanted to, fine and if they felt it was important I'd probably try to remember and go along with it, but I hardly think it's neglect not to do it!?

Not talking straight after a 'row' doesn't mean a thing.

Lumpy - given the OP normally discusses things like this with her Mum, but can't right now because her Mum is too ill, I think your comment is misplaced here.

Oh, come on - the OP said that he has hit the 3 year old's hand, when the 3 year old has been hitting the younger child. That is not smacking. It may not be ideal parenting but who is the ideal parent? I'm sure if we put the OP's parenting under a microscope, we'd find some non-ideal things there too.

But, basically, I'm with Oakmaiden. It is not possible to know, from an internet forum, exactly what is going on in someone else's life. We all offer views based on our experiences and beliefs and the OP takes from them what she finds valuable.

The OP's DP is not simply not talking. He thinks he hasn't done anything wrong.

I honestly don't think anyone on this thread would threaten seriously to punch someone else, and then afterwards say they hadn't done anything wrong.

notinagreatplace - Except some commenters here are making things up based on their own life. And in doing so are ignoring or minimising what the OP's DP actually did do.

capant - honestly, I think that's going both ways. You and others have claimed that no-one without experience of DV has anything useful to say. I haven't said that no-one with a controlling, nasty, emotionally abusive mother has anything useful to say...

LEM FGS he didn't 'smack a 3 year old child' hard, he smacked the back of her hand for hitting her baby sister. You might not do that, I don't do that, but it's hardly indicitive of him being an abusive man.

Capant - so despite the husband's silence YOU just KNOW what he thinks and feels?

I think you are projecting - or posting based on your life experiences. We all do. It doesn't make you right, they are all just different perspectives.

The OP's DP is not simply not talking. He thinks he hasn't done anything wrong.

How do you know he thinks he hasn't done anything wrong?

He may be avoiding a conversation because the communication style may be exactly that which led to the row in the first place.
I don't know that for sure either though.

The dust needs to settle before any talking starts

Capant The OP's DP is not simply not talking. He thinks he hasn't done anything wrong Unless you are the OP's DH, you have no idea what he thinks. He didn't want to talk last night, hardly surprising. I wouldn't have either.

Alwaysalone How are you feeling now?