Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shocked at H's outburst

999 replies

Alwaysalone · 23/08/2014 06:07

Name changed..

Yesterday, as we're driving away for our annual weekend away (our only holiday every year), with DC (aged 1 and 3) in the car, H and I had an argument. It was over something silly (H had strapped in DC without putting her shoes on, and I hadn't packed any spare). I blamed him for it. Then, very placid, extremely kind H (who has never shouted at me in the 7 years we've been married), told me to 'shut the fuck up' or he'd 'punch my face in'. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.. After crying the remaining journey (me, and the kids), he drive us back home and unpacked his bag only, then went up to bed. When I attempted to discuss what he said in the car, he ignored me. When I enquired how we move on from this, he said 'we don't'. When I enquired what he meant, he said 'go figure'..

I slept in the spare room last night. I just don't know what to think. I don't know why he's being like this. He told me once a few years ago that I moan at him too much (which I accept, I have 2 young girls who are a real handful), but however much I nag, how does that justify what he said to me? In front of our children too... My heart is literally broken.. It's like there is no moderation in his behaviour. He's either silent, or he over exaggerates at the smallest thing. He has NEVER threatened violence before. Once, 3 years ago when we had another row (again, over something small), he told me he'd had enough and wanted a divorce. He then apologised to me (rare), and said he didn't mean it. Can someone help me make sense of this? Was it my fault? What should I do? I'm just devastated.

He has a good job, excellent provider, great dad and generally, very good Husband. I just don't know if I can forget what he said to me. He called me melodramatic last night too.. Am I being melodramatic? I know it's ridiculous to think about it, but my mum is seriously ill with a heart condition, and I don't want to add to her problems (she is usually who I turn to in times of problems)..

Please help.

OP posts:
capant · 23/08/2014 12:26

Or could he go away for a couple of days?

unlucky83 · 23/08/2014 12:27

Poor OP - all these people saying it is her fault or her DH's fault ...

Neither of them sound happy! It is probably both their 'faults'. Two unhappy people rubbing each other up the wrong way.

OP sounds like she is struggling - and she needs help with that - maybe she is trying to be too perfect...and so whatever the DH does isn't good enough - and it seems like she is picking on every little thing he does wrong...or maybe she feels like a drudge and he is actually taking the mickey out of her or she is angry with him for not being on the same wavelength... a whole host of reasons.

What DH did is almost unforgivable - but almost...
He snapped - for whatever reason ...he didn't physically hurt her -if he had my attitude would be different - it would be unforgivable.
To those saying he doesn't do it to colleague boss etc - people do - they snap and tell people to fuck their job etc and walk. They do it because they feel like they are having the piss taken out of them, they have no control and are pushed into a corner etc...
So let's assume DH feels like that - he may be wrong - being an abusive prick - but he may have a point.
The not apologising immediately and hiding in bed ... I would read that as maybe being shocked, embarrassed and angry with himself...for the loss of control or just trying to understand what happened....(I would expect an apology later though)

So I think she needs to let him calm down and get his head round what he has done...and she has had a chance to think it through too..and be calm.
Then she needs to talk to him and say this can't happen again and if he won't talk say the marriage is over cos she can't risk that or worse happening again. And she doesn't want a relationship like his parents.

Counseling would be ideal...and if he won't go - I would be thinking about packing my bags.
But I would probably attempt to talk though why he was so angry and she was so angry....
Maybe she could go to counseling on her own - if she understands things from her POV clearly she can verbalise to her DH why she is unhappy....and maybe that would encourage him to get some himself...or see things through her eyes and modify his behaviour.
But this all has to come from the marriage is over unless we can sort this out angle - things have to change.

Good Luck OP - and don't beat yourself up ...none of us are perfect, we all get things wrong and we all behave the way we do for a reason and sometimes we don't realise what we are doing or why - and that is true for your DH too....

(or maybe he is an abusive prick - but counseling could clarify that for you too)

EarthWindFire · 23/08/2014 12:27

Either cap! The reason I said OP was that the DH has to work. If he doesn't work he doesn't get paid!

Original poster
Alwaysalone · 23/08/2014 12:28

Yeah, I'll try and summon up the courage to do it. I don't want to give the wrong impression of him. He's my world but somehow I've stopped being his...

Can I ask, there's no way he can take the kids away from me is there? I used to think he'd never do anything like that, but I never thought he'd threaten me either..

OP posts:
EarthWindFire · 23/08/2014 12:34

No one can take the children from either of you. Court and mediation aim for shared care as much as possible.

Rabbitcar · 23/08/2014 12:35

Why shouldn't OP raise the shoes thing? If I had done everything else, you can bet that I would have raised it too. Should OP do 100% of the work without complaint because her DH doesn't like being told that he has forgotten something.

OP, you haven't done anything wrong and your DH has. And if you generally 'nag', then it's quite possible that this is because he hasn't pulled his weight in the first place.

Some terrifying 1950s responses here. Truly shocking.

unlucky83 · 23/08/2014 12:36

Ahh cross post - no he can't just apologise and move on - you really have to find out why - because it really can't happen again...and he really needs to know that Sad

And I meant to say things like the C&O crisp - that is important but it might be mixed up (in DHS head) as just another one of a whole list of things he gets wrong... can't explain that well but I know what I mean...

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 23/08/2014 12:41

I agree, what you describe is not nagging at all. Unfortunately when you're told you're a nag, you think it's true.

I do believe there is something fundamentally wrong in your relationship. You communicate to him, and that sounds like it's done in a healthy, unemotive way, but he won't discuss anything with you ever. That's unsustainable.

What he did is inexcusable, the fact that a day later he's not even trying to apologise for it is also inexcusable.

I do think you may need to suggest a separation. It doesn't have to be permanent, but it's not right for you to live like this, and it may shock him into getting help.

Fairenuff · 23/08/2014 12:44

I used to think he'd never do anything like that, but I never thought he'd threaten me either..

This is how it happens, slowly and surely the boundary gets moved and you can't quite see how it happened.

Abusers don't just meet people and become violent with them. It's a slow build up, to test tolerance levels and then increase them. Before he knew that he could ignore you. Now he knows he can verbally abuse you. One day, there will be an even more serious incident.

A lot of women will put up with all sorts of abuse until he starts on the children. Often, that is the point at which they say 'enough'. He has already done this in front of the children. He has been aggressive their presence and has frightened them.

What is your 'enough' point OP?

EarthWindFire · 23/08/2014 12:47

You say that other people have said that you 'nag' your DH which suggests that it happens more than on the examples that you have said.

The thing is that only you and DH have all the 'facts' and only you can change your relationship or move on.

Yes it isn't going to be easy no matter which path it is that you decide to take.

I stand by what I said about you both having a bit of time apart. You both sound highly stressed and very tiered.

Gruntfuttock · 23/08/2014 12:49

Rabbitcar "Why shouldn't OP raise the shoes thing?"

You don't know if she 'raised it' or went on about it non-stop for 40 minutes or something. That will make a difference to how he responds won't it? He didn't lay a finger on her, but he did lash out verbally. How unreasonable he was for doing that we don't know because we weren't there.

WildBillfemale · 23/08/2014 12:52

I think you should have done some deep digging 3 years ago when H told you he was unhappy enough to have booked a solicitors appt'. You clearly haven't just 'moved on' OP it sounds like things (you) have carried on exactly as before and you've reached that point again.

Original poster
Alwaysalone · 23/08/2014 12:56

I tried to wild. At the time we didn't discuss it further. It transpired over the next few years that he thought I was flirting with his sister's husband. I wasn't. But he felt I was. We haven't really discussed it since (he won't).

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwaysalone · 23/08/2014 13:00

Sorry, the last post was a drip feed. I didn't really want to mention that as I don't think it's relevant to this, but just wanted to let wild know it wasn't because of my nagging he wanted to separate. The broader picture is that he doesn't love me enough to stay, and keeps seeing divorce as the only option.

OP posts:
EarthWindFire · 23/08/2014 13:02

Has he actually said that he doesn't love you enough to say or is that you summarising?

It may be that he is unhappy with the status quo and can't see any other way?

Original poster
Alwaysalone · 23/08/2014 13:04

He hasn't said that, no. I feel so worthless though that he'd talk to me like that. What the fuck does that show to our DC? My eldest is really subdued today (I don't know if I'm imagining it)..

OP posts:
GoldfishCrackers · 23/08/2014 13:05

You were not nagging. You're not even complaining needlessly - the lactose thing etc could not be ignored. Although accusing you of 'nagging' is a handy way for a certain type of man to get a woman to shut up.
That word is used to put women in their place. In the eyes of some people (from the 1950s) a man would raise an issue but a woman would nag.
The fact that you accuse yourself if nagging when you raised his ignoring of your DDs lactose intolerance suggests that you have bought his criticism of you, and that you are nothing like the mothers that some PPS have described.

Gruntfuttock · 23/08/2014 13:08

If your mother is right and you do nag him too much, maybe he thinks that you don't love him enough to change. It works both ways. I think the posts calling your husband an abuser are OTT. He has snapped once in 7 years (and yes, he threatened violence, which is bad but he didn't touch you) and years ago told you that you moan too much. That doesn't sound like an abuser to me. You're both unhappy and I think you both need to change how you communicate with each other.

Fairenuff · 23/08/2014 13:09

he thought I was flirting with his sister's husband. I wasn't

That's another red flat OP, right there.

The problem is that when you agree to 'forget it' and move on, you aren't actually moving on. You are keeping yourself trapped in an unhappy relationship.

Who wants to forget it, him or you?

Do you want to just accept that a man can shout at you that he is going to punch you in the face if you don't stop talking, or do you want to find out a little bit more about that?

He's the one who wants to forget it, not you.

Would he do this to someone else who wound him up? His boss or colleagues, strangers in the supermarket, for example? Or is it just you?

Either he can control his temper or he can't. If it's not happening with anyone else, then he thinks he has a right to do that to you. That's it.

OP do you think he has a right to do this to you?

MrsCosmopilite · 23/08/2014 13:10

I think the 'drip feed' is relevant to this.

You both sound insecure - you resort to trying to do everything to make life as smooth as possible, he resorts to snapping and sniping.

It doesn't sound as though you nag. It sounds as though you voice genuine concerns. I agree with Goldfish, above ^

To me, this sounds like the tip of the iceberg.

The current state of play is not healthy nor is it good for your children, but you know that.

Gruntfuttock · 23/08/2014 13:13

"Either he can control his temper or he can't."

I repeat:- One loss of temper in 7 years of marriage.

Fairenuff · 23/08/2014 13:15

How is that relevant Grunt?

RandomMess · 23/08/2014 13:15

The bottom line is that you need to talk to each other and he does need to apologise for what he did yesterday.

If he refuses to discuss this or admiit that he was out of order then there isn't a way forward.

LovesPeace · 23/08/2014 13:17

What all these posters vilifying him for one moment of temper are missing is that he doesn't want to control you, OP, in order to stay happy in the relationship, and have his needs met. He isn't happy, and they aren't being met. He wants to leave you.

That's where 'this man is an evil abuser controlling you' falls flat.

GoldfishCrackers · 23/08/2014 13:21

LovesPeace I might think you had a point if he'd actually left 3 years ago instead of threatening to leave but neither doing it nor trying to work through their issues. Or if it had been over 'nagging'. But it wasn't; it was because OP supposedly flirted with someone.