Shocked at H's outburst

[Alwaysalone]

Name changed..

Yesterday, as we're driving away for our annual weekend away (our only holiday every year), with DC (aged 1 and 3) in the car, H and I had an argument. It was over something silly (H had strapped in DC without putting her shoes on, and I hadn't packed any spare). I blamed him for it. Then, very placid, extremely kind H (who has never shouted at me in the 7 years we've been married), told me to 'shut the fuck up' or he'd 'punch my face in'. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.. After crying the remaining journey (me, and the kids), he drive us back home and unpacked his bag only, then went up to bed. When I attempted to discuss what he said in the car, he ignored me. When I enquired how we move on from this, he said 'we don't'. When I enquired what he meant, he said 'go figure'..

I slept in the spare room last night. I just don't know what to think. I don't know why he's being like this. He told me once a few years ago that I moan at him too much (which I accept, I have 2 young girls who are a real handful), but however much I nag, how does that justify what he said to me? In front of our children too... My heart is literally broken.. It's like there is no moderation in his behaviour. He's either silent, or he over exaggerates at the smallest thing. He has NEVER threatened violence before. Once, 3 years ago when we had another row (again, over something small), he told me he'd had enough and wanted a divorce. He then apologised to me (rare), and said he didn't mean it. Can someone help me make sense of this? Was it my fault? What should I do? I'm just devastated.

He has a good job, excellent provider, great dad and generally, very good Husband. I just don't know if I can forget what he said to me. He called me melodramatic last night too.. Am I being melodramatic? I know it's ridiculous to think about it, but my mum is seriously ill with a heart condition, and I don't want to add to her problems (she is usually who I turn to in times of problems)..

Please help.

Clearly there is a lot going on here but if you can communicate with each other and talk things through then IME the relationship is doomed.

The OP can turn herself into a whole new woman bit if her H isn't engaged with her it won't do any good.

H is denying he/they need relationship help and is using increasingly aggressive tactics to shut her down/deal with her.

Lots going on on this thread.

At the moment, a number of options present themselves:
Put up and shut up: things may or may not change for the worse
Talk - and make him talk/ Counselling: things may or may not improve
Trial separation - You leave/He leaves : mixed bag but likely improvements in the long-term

OP, you say you 'nag' about things, but do you? What do you actually say? Do you say, "DD2 needs a bib on before she can eat her dinner, can you find one for her please DH" (or similar) or do you say something more like "Well? Where's DD2's bib? You know she has to have it on for meals". There is a difference in delivery and being PA can wear some people down.
However, that is not placing the onus on you for the situation.

He sounds emotionally stunted. Can't/won't talk about his feelings. Are you meant to be a mind-reader?

His reaction is ridiculous, and frightening - such rage over a pair of shoes?

My DH would have huffed and gone and got the shoes or told me to go and get them. OR, if we were halfway to wherever we were going, suggested we stop at primark and buy a cheap pair. He would not have screamed in my face and threatened violence.

Are you constantly walking on eggshells to 'keep the peace'? Or are these incidents few and far between.

It may be that he is stressed with work, but it is not acceptable to take it out on you, or to expect you go guess what the problem is.

It is not acceptable that you seem to feel so inadequate.

It may be helpful for you to speak to WA to see whether your situation merits severe concern or not, so to speak. You may well be able to reason this out in context of how the 'normal' days go. Or if you read back what you've written as if someone was confiding in you. What would you advise a friend to do if their partner had done this?

But as Hissy says there is no excuse it doesn't matter how narky op was, he threatened to punch her in the face. That's what it comes down to.

Was H scared of dw? No
Were dw and dcs scared of H? Yes

the OP suddenly becomes Mother Teresa by virtue of her gender, and her husband is some evil controlling all powerful AntiChrist

This is one of the stupidest things I have every read on mn. Not true, not helpful, victim blaming, nonsense.

OP you have become conditioned to his behaviour over the last seven years. Yo have become used to being controlled by the way he deals with conflict.

It's like there is no moderation in his behaviour. He's either silent, or he over exaggerates at the smallest thing.

This ^^ day in, day out, will grind you down to the point where you start to think you can accept being shouted and sworn at in front of your children.

This man does not communicate appropriately, probably because of his own childhood and the model of marriage that his parents gave him. He needs to get help. Do not let this slide or it too will become 'the norm' for you.

Lildupin - It's not one mistake. It's constant. She's made that clear No she hasn't. What she has made clear is that he must do things her way I do nag about him being quieter, putting a bib on the teething toddler etc but nothing major.

Every shitty abusive arse will tell their victim that they are a nag, are abusive towards them, are wearing them down, are psychologically fucked up, need help, are mental and unhinged.

Every single one.

So please, apologists on here, stop looking to defend a man who meaningfully threatened extreme physical violence towards the mother of his children, terrifying them in the process, and has seen absolutely no wrong in any of it at all.

The only people who have any basis commenting on this thread are those who have knowledge or understanding of dv, anyone else just won't 'get it' and will do more harm than good.

I shall repeat, anything that in anyway supports what this man has done is doing MORE HARM THAN GOOD.

It is putting lives at serious risk. Stop it now.

notinagreatplace - You have absolutely no grounds to project what your mother was like onto the OP.

There are lots of commenters here bringing their own issues into this. This is not about you. It is about the OP.

I think LovesPeace is questioning/exploring whether the OP has been emotionally abusive

Yes, while the rest of us address the fact that her OH has been verbally abusive and has threatened physical abuse.

Oh crap - I meant CANT Communicate!

What she has made clear is that he must do things her way

"Her way" being the way that does not create extra unnecessary work for her.

We are on an internet forum where we don't know lots about OP's relationship. So lets deal with facts and not guesswork.

The facts are:

• OP's DP threatened to punch her
• She thought he would punch her
• He did this in front of her children
• He refuses to talk about it and thinks he didn't do anything wrong

I suspect that neither if them forgot shoes on purpose. It's not because husband's a can't-be-arsed-prick, or is it that OP is a can-t-be-arsed-prick for not packing spare shoes?

Exactly. So why threaten to punch her in the face?

I can't get past the poster who advised that a woman terrified by her husband threatening to punch her in the face should MAKE HIM A FUCKING COFFEE. WTF is WRONG with you?

OP, regardless of whether you nag or remind him to do things any sentient adult should do anyway, he is utterly and totally in the wrong. I don't know how you get the useless emotionally constipated bastard talking, but please don't approach it from the angle that you're the one at fault here.

capant - I did say that I don't know whether the OP is like my mother. It's possible that she is and it's possible that she isn't. I just don't think it's unreasonable to offer that perspective.

I have heard my mother say in rare moments of introspection, "I suppose I do nag a bit" and I know that people hear her say that and assume that she means in a normal human way, not in the way that she actually does.

I think it's worth the OP reflecting a bit on whether or not she is like that. I'm not saying that she definitely is.

Notinagreatplace - No I don't think it is helpful at all for the OP to consider that. She is already minimising and blaming herself for her DP's unacceptable actions. She needs to recognise how in the wrong he is.

After this has been dealt with, maybe by splitting up, that is the time to perhaps have counselling and learn more about how to have a healthy relationship.

Hissy - thanks for clearing up that only YOUR views and the OP's views are valid - the rest of us and her husband aren't allowed to talk then?

Lol. Surely you can see how ridiculous you are being in apologising for the OP's continued abusive and controlling behaviour (but hey, SHE's happy)?

And clearly, she isn't being controlled by her H or she wouldn't be so surprised when he suddenly reacted to her nastiness. Now he's trying to avoid her, yet you are all suggesting she continues to control what he does by throwing him out until he complies, or he has to apologise, or he needs to talk, or he needs to get counselling. All so he can continue in the relationship that made the OP happy, but him miserable to the point of contemplating divorce.

Yep, that sounds fair.

Heysoul sister -i am looking just as deeply as everyone else. Please don't patronise me.

Everything the op posted screams of ea. Ea that could be on the verge of escalating.

The op posted that she nags etc. Errr thats because her dh tells her thats what she does. He has flattened her self esteem. You don't need a degree in armchair psychology to see that.

I HATE the LTB responses that are often trotted out on here and will often speak out about it but this is not one of those cases. The op has such low self esteem that she posted blaming herself for her husbands behaviour. People then agreed with her that she is in the wrong. So maybe it isn't me who isn't looking deep enough.

I have been in a volatile relationship. Our arguments would make the ops sound like a lovers spat. I had counselling. Recognised my part in it. Recognised my dps part in it. Dp didn't want counselling. I found it useful. Yes the counsellor could only really focus on MY behaviour (which wasn't great. Im not proud) and point out that a great deal of it was due to external pressures. A lot of it due to dp. We are still together and we are happy. So no i am not a rampant ltb spouting feminist. Quite the opposite but some of the victim blaming on this thread is astounding.

Just because some of you have abusive ex's, it doesn't mean all men are abusive.

Making one unacceptable comment in 7 years does not make him abusive.

Capant You have no right to tell anyone else what to post. It would also be helpful if YOU would remember it's about the OP, not about what YOU think the OP should do/think/feel.

Lildupin So, in a situation that is crap - one should always just walk away. No-one should try to sort out what's really happening and see if they can work through it. Right. Great.

Very similar thing happened to me recently. Very out of character for my Dh. He didn't threaten violence but was very nasty. I'm still boiling over it. He'd been drinking.

*We are on an internet forum where we don't know lots about OP's relationship. So lets deal with facts and not guesswork.

The facts are:

• OP's DP threatened to punch her
• She thought he would punch her
• He did this in front of her children
• He refuses to talk about it and thinks he didn't do anything wrong*

Lets add a few more facts for checks and balances;

OP admits she nags
OP admits she puts H down
The outburst was the only one in 7 years
OPs mother confirms OP puts H down
OP admits her behaviour is a problem
H has previously expressed problems in the way OP talks to him
A full time home help has been employed to alleviate OPs stress

I'm going to read thread now. I certainly won't be ltb, no one is perfect. he will suffer

The only people who have any basis commenting on this thread are those who have knowledge or understanding of dv, anyone else just won't 'get it' and will do more harm than good.

I have been in a very abusive relationship where I was left for dead... Can I therefore comment!?

You need to decide what you want to do OP. No one can decide that for you. Maybe you do nag, maybe you don't only you know that. No one here can say yes you do or no you don't.

Your DH 'outburst' is on no way acceptable and only you can decide what to do.

Lildupin What she has made clear is that he must do things her way. Her way being the way that does not create extra unnecessary work for her

Projecting much?

The OP has said nothing of the sort.