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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shocked at H's outburst

999 replies

Alwaysalone · 23/08/2014 06:07

Name changed..

Yesterday, as we're driving away for our annual weekend away (our only holiday every year), with DC (aged 1 and 3) in the car, H and I had an argument. It was over something silly (H had strapped in DC without putting her shoes on, and I hadn't packed any spare). I blamed him for it. Then, very placid, extremely kind H (who has never shouted at me in the 7 years we've been married), told me to 'shut the fuck up' or he'd 'punch my face in'. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.. After crying the remaining journey (me, and the kids), he drive us back home and unpacked his bag only, then went up to bed. When I attempted to discuss what he said in the car, he ignored me. When I enquired how we move on from this, he said 'we don't'. When I enquired what he meant, he said 'go figure'..

I slept in the spare room last night. I just don't know what to think. I don't know why he's being like this. He told me once a few years ago that I moan at him too much (which I accept, I have 2 young girls who are a real handful), but however much I nag, how does that justify what he said to me? In front of our children too... My heart is literally broken.. It's like there is no moderation in his behaviour. He's either silent, or he over exaggerates at the smallest thing. He has NEVER threatened violence before. Once, 3 years ago when we had another row (again, over something small), he told me he'd had enough and wanted a divorce. He then apologised to me (rare), and said he didn't mean it. Can someone help me make sense of this? Was it my fault? What should I do? I'm just devastated.

He has a good job, excellent provider, great dad and generally, very good Husband. I just don't know if I can forget what he said to me. He called me melodramatic last night too.. Am I being melodramatic? I know it's ridiculous to think about it, but my mum is seriously ill with a heart condition, and I don't want to add to her problems (she is usually who I turn to in times of problems)..

Please help.

OP posts:
43percentburnt · 25/08/2014 21:31

Always, sending you hugs. Least you realised who he is whilst the kids are young. Who have you got in real life? I suggest getting financial docs copied tomorrow, bank statements, mortgage statements, pension, savings, shares, payslips, p60s. Focus on being organised. Store documents with a friend. Passports, birth certificates, driving licence etc. It will give you more confidence if your documents are safe. Seek financial and legal advice. Log what he said with police non emergency, just in case.

You are crying because you are a good person. Believe in yourself. You deserve to be treated well.

mamalino · 25/08/2014 21:31

I'm so sorry. You must be in such a state.

How treatment of you Is horrific and two things leap out at me, he is springing this on you as though he has felt like this for some time but he has never given you any.....warning is not the right word, but he has never given you the courtesy of discussing this, just throws the bombshell on you...... and he is still blaming you for all this!

Apologies for inarticulate post, just wanted to give you my support and let you know also how many people are supporting you even though we are "words on a screen".

LuluJakey1 · 25/08/2014 21:31

So, did he give any indication of what he is expecting to happen next?
Does he think you are staying together?

However unhappy he is - and he does sound very unhappy- the fact that he thinks how he behaved was a reasonable response and that he might do it again if he is upset again, says he has lost respect for you and does not care. Otherwise he could not want you to be put through this. I am baffled as to how he thinks anything is going to be resolved in any way when he won't discuss it or try to hear any view but his.

He must know that, however he feels about your behaviour, his treatment of you will have hurt and frightened you. He sounds like he has a lot of unexpressed rage that has been building up.

You are going to have to decide what you want to happen. No option will be easy but you have to choose what is right for you and your children. Lots of people will give you advice but you know what is right for you. We all live with different things and find them acceptable or not.

Is there anything left in your marriage? Is there any way forward? Or have you reached a point where there is no way forward?

You must feel dreadful Flowers

Egghead68 · 25/08/2014 21:32

I'm so sorry.

Stay strong.

You have got lots of us rooting for you x

43percentburnt · 25/08/2014 21:37

He won't expect you to ask him to leave. Despite him being so unhappy with his nagging, abusive, unstable wife I don't think he is going to want to split up.

Expect his tactics to change.

Original poster
Alwaysalone · 25/08/2014 21:38

He's taken himself off to bed. Sleeping in our bed, where I slept a week ago, not knowing he'd blow my world apart within days. I will tell my mum tomorrow.

I want to thank you for all your help and solid, wonderful advice. I am going to be off-line for a few days getting my things in order. I will contact woman's aid tomorrow and arrange an informal chat with a close friend who is a solicitor for advice. I will update when I can.

I just looked in on my youngest dd, and almost woke her up with my sobbing. I would do anything in the world to protect them. They are my world. I hope they forgive me for all the crap that's to follow. I hope they won't remember.

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 25/08/2014 21:40

I agree with Pinkrose1. He's had enough and he wants out and this has been brewing for a while. It's very sad for the entire family,including the extended family.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 25/08/2014 21:42

Look after yourself sweetheart.

Egghead68 · 25/08/2014 21:43

Good luck.

Be kind to yourself.

Your children will not need to forgive you for any of this. It is not your fault.

And there is absolutely no reason why they shouldn't be fine.

Lweji · 25/08/2014 21:43

I hope they forgive me for all the crap that's to follow.

God, I hope they can forgive him.

This is not your fault.

He completely blew it. In so many ways.

You have a sound plan. Glad you have people around to support you. I'm sure they will.
When I left, all my family rallied round and friends who knew as well.
Telling people about it has been very cathartic.

Take care. We will be here when you need to.
And be safe. Most and foremost.

sonjadog · 25/08/2014 21:44

Very sad your chat didn't go as you wanted. Now you know that there is no future in this relationship and it is time to end it. Your children will adjust, don't worry.

Sunna · 25/08/2014 21:44

So sorry that it's come to this but I agree with others that it looks like he's been waiting for a reason to split.

Wishing you strength.

Lweji · 25/08/2014 21:45

Oh, my DS sadly witnessed more than he should, but 3 years down the line he is doing very well and he is a happy boy.
Yours will be ok.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 25/08/2014 21:49

I am sorry that it has come to this and you weren't both able to sort your differences out. Sorry for all of you x

needastrongone · 25/08/2014 21:52

Hugs, Alone. Don't you dare shoulder the blame for this. A marriage is compromise and acceptance and equality and dealing with each others faults and support. Not blame, and making you feel like shit. Reserving the right to do it again is beyond the pale.

Get your house in order, be strong, keep taking control, tell folk in RL.

Ask him to leave. Be the stronger person. And remember that your DD's will see you as the better person in the long run for not accepting this shit.

We will all be here.

temporaryusername · 25/08/2014 22:00

You're doing a great thing for your dc by not allowing this to continue. The alternative is worse, and you love them way too much to let that happen. Your dh, on the other hand, thinks it is ok to threaten violence in front of them again and to treat their mother with a lack of compassion and respect. He has let them down, not you. I'm sure they will never think you did anything that needs forgiving. To be honest I'm not at all sure he can be a good father to them going forward, I hope so but you will know best.

I wish you the very best with the arrangements you're making, please take care of yourself and know that when you want to update you have support here. Thanks

BalloonSlayer · 25/08/2014 22:02

Oh dear (all I found I could say, despite my fine repertoire of swearwords, when my first husband dumped me)

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Wish I could be there to help.

You are NOT wrong.

Love and support xx

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 25/08/2014 22:03

They will have nothing to forgive you for! You will have saved them from a horribly abusive upbringing. Mine were 5 and 3 when I had to ask him to leave, and they have never questioned why, they just knew. They had, at times, been horribly frightened by him shouting at me. The same daddy who was funny, and read stories brilliantly. They calmly tell people that daddy was too shouty, so had to leave.

Hang in there. He doesn't want anything to change, he certainly doesn't want to leave, he's trying to reassert control in the face of a stronger you. His tactics will ramp up as soon as he realises you are really trying to go. Expect to be told you are selfish to break up the family (he broke it), that there must be something wrong with you and you need help (he needs help. An abuse program...), or that you must be seeing someone else. He may also threaten to take the house, take the kids and/or take his life. Mine did all three. He managed none.

Talk to WA. Stay safe, stay strong.

43percentburnt · 25/08/2014 22:06

Post when you need to. Good luck op. Xx

MexicanSpringtime · 25/08/2014 22:07

You, from the start, have been willing to assume responsability for your "nagging", whereas he is incapable of assuming any responsability for his behaviour.

This is so hard for you, OP. But no, it is not your fault. And in the end, it is his loss.

Fairenuff · 25/08/2014 22:10

None of this was your choice though was it, Always. He has effectively ended your relationship by telling you what he did. There is no way forward.

Your girls couldn't grow up in that environment, it would be damaging for them. You haven't done anything to them except love them and protect them x

ITrulyMoustache · 25/08/2014 22:12

I can't write anywhere near as good as these folk but I will put my tuppence in. If dh threatened me to the point I was scared he may do it and the kids were upset then subsequently went on to not even apologise, blame me and then go so far as to say he would do it again then he would be out of my house before his butt could hit the floor. I would not have a person like that near my children.

temporaryusername · 25/08/2014 22:25

Mexican you're right, it is his loss. You will go on to happier times OP, but he will take his issues with him. Remember that when you were in this relationship, before tonight, you described yourself as alwaysalone Sad, your feelings of loss and loneliness were there alongside him. He doesn't have what you deserve or need. Somewhere beyond this pain is going to be a sense of liberation and a much happier life for you.

RandomMess · 25/08/2014 22:32

So sorry at what has been revealed to you this evening, you do not deserve that at all. Just hugs and wishing you strength and it sounds awful but at least you are getting out at the first threat rather than the first punch,

Sassyb0703 · 25/08/2014 22:51

don't be holding your breath on that one OP. you have admitted yourself that you are hyper critical and pull him up all the time. I am afraid he has had enough. he is not begging forgiveness because he doesn't want any. He has simply had enough. Many on here will blah blah on about how he is being abusive by not talking. How about the fact you said yourself you have been critical since dd1 was born !!.that's years of 'abuse'. !! So bad in recent months even your own mother has mentioned it. I fear this is all too late and the shoes and refusing to stay at the hotel were the straws that broke this marriages back. Sorry OP he may not be the biggest talker on the planet but maybe he simply has nothing more to say Sad Sad Sad Sad