Shocked at H's outburst

[Alwaysalone]

Name changed..

Yesterday, as we're driving away for our annual weekend away (our only holiday every year), with DC (aged 1 and 3) in the car, H and I had an argument. It was over something silly (H had strapped in DC without putting her shoes on, and I hadn't packed any spare). I blamed him for it. Then, very placid, extremely kind H (who has never shouted at me in the 7 years we've been married), told me to 'shut the fuck up' or he'd 'punch my face in'. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.. After crying the remaining journey (me, and the kids), he drive us back home and unpacked his bag only, then went up to bed. When I attempted to discuss what he said in the car, he ignored me. When I enquired how we move on from this, he said 'we don't'. When I enquired what he meant, he said 'go figure'..

I slept in the spare room last night. I just don't know what to think. I don't know why he's being like this. He told me once a few years ago that I moan at him too much (which I accept, I have 2 young girls who are a real handful), but however much I nag, how does that justify what he said to me? In front of our children too... My heart is literally broken.. It's like there is no moderation in his behaviour. He's either silent, or he over exaggerates at the smallest thing. He has NEVER threatened violence before. Once, 3 years ago when we had another row (again, over something small), he told me he'd had enough and wanted a divorce. He then apologised to me (rare), and said he didn't mean it. Can someone help me make sense of this? Was it my fault? What should I do? I'm just devastated.

He has a good job, excellent provider, great dad and generally, very good Husband. I just don't know if I can forget what he said to me. He called me melodramatic last night too.. Am I being melodramatic? I know it's ridiculous to think about it, but my mum is seriously ill with a heart condition, and I don't want to add to her problems (she is usually who I turn to in times of problems)..

Please help.

Always I am really, really sorry that it's turned out like this for you but in all honesty I cannot say that I am surprised. He has left you no choice whatsoever.

He couldn't promise that he wouldn't threaten me again if I spoke to him the way I did on Friday

What he is saying here is that he reserves the right to threaten you again if you step out of line. If you accept this, the next time it will escalate, almost certainly.

He just remained passive, and didn't say anything.

This part isn't going to change. He doesn't want it to change, it suits him just fine.

Everything he said to you today is designed to bring you back under his control.

If he meant what he said about all your flaws, etc., why did he just not ask for a separation? He doesn't want a separation, he wants to keep you as you were.

Only a little bit more scared.

Please make an appointment to see a solicitor tomorrow morning. Keep posting, talk it out here, we will listen to you even if he won't x

I think you should ask him to leave.

Don't worry about whose name the house is in, you are married so it is 50/50 but you having children gives you the right to remain in the family home.

He has had the chance to apologise and try to make amends and build a better marriage but he has just lost all credibility.

Ask him to leave. Say it's not what you want either. Maybe leave it until tomorrow if you feel unsafe tonight. Nights always seem to be the worse for arguments.

Honey (and I don't ever use that word, but I wish I could give you a hug right now), you did not make him like this. He has always been like this.
When things are ok he can be pleasant enough. When it's hard, this is him.
He has probably been silent post arguments because he knew he'd just spout his venom and you'd leave him. Because if he was silent, you'd project your good will towards him and would forgive him. But this the man who has told you the most hurtful things when he has finally opened his mouth. And has now threatened to seriously hurt you in front of the children.

I am so sorry for you.
I could see it was coming, but I know it still hurts, because you are not fully detached yet.
I do hope you find the strength to walk away from this. Even if you nag and have a bad attitude, you do not deserve his threats of violence nor his attitude that all is wrong with you and nothing with him. And probably quite the opposite.

You know exactly where you stand.

Whilst he may well believe he has the right to have issue with you, what he doesn't have is the right to threaten violence as a result and then tell you he believes he has the right to threaten violence again in the future in front if your children.

To him, there's no problem for him to fix so there's nothing he will do.

You either accept that if you stay, you'll be subjecting your children to being bought up in an abusive family, or you work on an exit plan.

I don't normally advise this but I think you and your children deserve better and it's time to call it quits to limit the damage to them and you.

Oh, I'm so sorry, always. Of course you haven't made him hurtful & vicious - he's responsible for that.

This is obviously a side of him that was always there. The outburst was out of character, from what you said, but the lack of communication formed a much longer pattern of behaviour. Ditto with the attempts to blame you & you taking the blame in order to keep the peace (eg. re. your BIL).

And it's clear from what you wrote yesterday evening that he doesn't have a particularly balanced view of his own parents & their dysfunctional marriage.

I don't see how there's any way forward given that he's not sorry &, even worse, he said he might threaten you again if you talk to him in the same way. WTF?! I don't think I've ever been part of any so-called "LTB brigade", but honestly - he does sound like a total bastard. And it seems that there are whole layers of contempt beneath his passive surface - not just towards you, I suspect, but towards women in general.

I'm sorry that I don't have any practical advice, always, as I've not been through anything like this. I'm sure others will be of more help. Thinking of you - you deserve better than this. So do your daughters.

Suggest to him that you are clearly incompatible and therefore separation would be the best option. Then say nothing else to him except straight forward civil statements. Do not get involved in a shouting match with him. He has made his feelings clear. He doesn't regret what he said. I am really sorry that he is behaving like this but tbh he is perhaps doing you a favour. Be prepared for him to backtrack if you don't back down. He is unlikely to like what happens next. He will now be expecting to you to apologise to him and beg him to try again.

Oh OP, I am so, so sorry, but well done for at least saying your part.

Unfortunately what followed was absolutely classic. Almost word for word what I used to get when I challenged my ex. Particularly 'you don't listen'. It took me a while to realise that in his mind it meant something different. I would say 'of course I do, I can repeat it all back to you'. But of course, I wasn't supposed to hear, analyse, use my own mind to agree or disagree, I was supposed to say 'yes, of course, you're right'.

Do not tie yourself in knots trying to defend yourself. It was a whitewash of self-justification and refusal to take responsibility. Please take particular note that he made his actions your fault, that he retains the right to do it again if he thinks he's justified, that he didn't focus on your complaint, but dragged in your family, other issues such as football, and projected his behaviours and attitudes onto you (he is clearly the selfish, arrogant, entitled person here). That was an entirely abusive tirade from start to finish.

Do not for one minute say that you made him this vicious and hurtful. These are his own true colours. You are right to say you can never go back. This will be your future if you accept it. Please don't. Don't model this relationship or treatment of women any longer for your daughters. You are all worth so much more.

I wish I could get you through the next bit by magic, but it's your journey. You can make it, and it's worth it, but he won't make it easy. Above all, he will never accept your viewpoint, so don't waste time trying to get him to 'see'. It'll just be lost time.

Sending you strength x

Tell him to go, that you are no longer compatible.

Don't blame yourself

I'm so sorry OP.

His watching the tv while you were having this important conversation makes me so angry. So petty and rude. He still isn't trying. No matter what his issues he should still apologise for how he spoke to you.

I think at this point you need to separate as soon as possible to get space from him. I would tell him this evening that you would like him to leave either tonight or in the morning. He should pack tonight and not come home after work. If you feel he could get violent then you may to proceed differently though, someone else could give you better advice on rallying support and how to get him out if that is the case.

What if he finds his daughters annoying or thinks they are not listening to him when they are older? Will he be threatening to punch their faces in?

Sorry OP, really hope you are ok and just take this minute by minute. Just do what you need to do for now, which I think is him going to his parents or wherever else he wants.

Hi Always

I haven't read through the whole post but I've read your latest update. It reads a lot like the situation I was in 3 years ago. For me there was definitely no going back - much to much had been said that couldn't be unsaid or forgotten, whilst it hasn't been easy at all, leaving was the best thing I could've done and eventually I am much happier for it. I hope you find the right answer for you and you DC.

I'm so sorry that it went so badly.

From what you say of how it went really shows his lack of respect for you, and his total denial of his behaviour. Having reread the thread in places then a lot of his behaviour does fit with stonewalling.

Unfortunately it does seem that he has changed, and not for the better. I don't think you can change him, but even if he did magically revert to the 'old DP' of former days, could you be happy with him having heard his justification for his treatment of you?

I think you need to speak to some RL people, and I think you need to reassess the future. As you say, you don't want to repeat his parents mistakes.

Why the fuck am I in tears? I can't think of a more unworthy person to cry over. I'm so ANGRY....

But I'm also fucking fucking sad. I'm mourning the loss of my best friend, tonight wasn't him, it really wasn't. But then, it obviously was. He's been like this all along, and I didn't know... who fucking knew?!?!?!

Christ almighty. Another broken family. I'm so sad.

It's really important now that you tell someone in real life. Would your mum be supportive, do you think, if you told her he threatened violence and said he would do it again?

Shit. I am sorry. I really really hope, that a little while after you have kicked his arrogant arse out, you will realise that it's not you. It's him. My ex was apoplectic after the fact that I hadn't apologised for having him removed by the police.I pointed out that he wouldn't have been removed if he had not been abusive to me. Also, how sat and waited 25 mins for the police to arrive, while I begged him to leave so DS wouldn't have to witness any more distressing things (he was hiding upstairs at that time) smirking the whole time and telling me how insane I was. But it was MY fault that his son witnessed Daddy being taken into a police car. And round and round. It will always be your fault (even though you are clearly so one willing to take the responsibility and own your faults) and never, ever his.
You can't change that, you really can't.

I love my children to the ends of the earth. But tonight, for a split second I wished I didn't have them, only to spare them the pain of what is to come.

They worship him. The toddler wakes up crying for him. How the fuck did we get to this. We've only been married 7 years. He asked me to apologise tonight. For ruining our holiday.. I'm just lost for words. Who the fucking hell is this fucking stranger who has fathered my children?!?

It's good that you are now feeling angry Always, looks like all your emotions are coming through at last. You have been in shock. Have you eaten today?

I will tell my mum tomorrow. They were at a cousins wedding today and just couldn't face ruining their day. She will be just devastated. She adores H, but she told me last week that she saw H raise his voice at dd, and if he did it again, she would say something. If only she knew...

Please tell me this will get better. This feeling that my life has ended...

I feel for you so much. What a horrible response. He clearly sees himself as beyond reproach. I'm afraid the. "I can't promise I won't threaten you again" signals the end doesn't it? As for the watching TV while you were speaking.....my god, no respect whatsoever.

I'm so sorry, massive hugs to you x

I wish one of you was with me. You've all been so lovely to me. Thank you so much. Really I'm grateful. The kindness of strangers, when the one person who I need to be kind to me isn't.

You had every reason to think he'd be a good partner, and he let you down. Three years isn't really that long to get to know someone, and it sounds like his true colours came out after you had children and not everything could go his way, your attention had to be given to them and you had need of support from him.

I'm so sorry you've got to go through this pain. I do think a much better future lies on the other side of this for you and your girls, even though it will be hard to think about yet. I think you'll be surprised how happy you can be when you're not living with someone who lacks insight and respect for you.

You've been strong and not let this go all his way, keep on going...don't stop now. You'll feel immense and changing emotions but stay brave, none of them mean you would be better off putting up with him. Better days are ahead than this man can give you.

This is the first time you have stood up to him. This is why you are only now seeing the real him. Before you always caved in, apologised, tried to change yourself. As long as you were doing that, he felt in control.

Now things are out of his control and he doesn't like it. Take very good care of yourself, keep your phone close. Don't want to worry you but if he shows any sign of anger at all, please just leave the house and call police.

However hard it is to accept, I think it is clear he doesn't want to be with you any more. This doesn't seem like someone angry and saying hurtful things, but saying things he's bottled up. Maybe for years.

Sadly people change and you need to end this and start a new life.

I would always say that a marriage is worth trying to save, but only if both sides want it and I don't think he does. He may even have given himself permission to blow up and threaten you as a way of bringing it all to a head.

He has absolutely zero respect for you does he. I think he has shown this behaviour before but you have avoided a big confrontation. This is him op, the product of a crappy childhood. His father is a misogynist, a woman hater. You need to be strong for your daughters. If you asked him to leave what do you think he would do?

I'm glad you're angry. You should be, but you need to be safe.

Oh Alone, sending a huge hug. FWIW you aren't alone any more. We may be words on a screen, but so many of us have been exactly where you are, and will walk this path again with you if you'd like.

I'm actually quite glad to hear you're angry. Hold onto that, as it will get you through. The sadness is for a future that is lost, a father and partner that is lost and hopes that are broken. And that's hard and painful but mustn't be allowed to trap you trying to retrieve them. They are gone.

I'm guessing he's still watching telly as if nothing important has happened? He's trying to normalise it, so you feel wrong-footed, and that if you ask him to leave you are turning it into a big thing. Can you phone anyone to come and be there whilst you ask him to go? It would be intolerable trying to sleep in the same house tonight.

You do not have to accept this.

He asked you to apologise?! That's just insane. Op I'm so sorry for this situation, he has been mean, aggressive, insensitive and now he's trying to put it all on you. I really feel for you, it's hard when you love someone to have them be so dismissive of your feelings.

I can understand that you want to spare your children the pain of a split but he gas threatened you in front of them and isn't even the slightest bit sorry; staying together will most likely harm them more. He can still be a good dad if he chooses but right now he is failing miserably as both a husband and father. Whet is he teaching your children about what they can expect from a relationship, how they should be treated?

Your are not to blame for this, if there were communication problems between you two there are safe and appropriate ways to address is, becoming verbally aggressive and threatening is not ok; you have not made this situation happen.