Shocked at H's outburst

[Alwaysalone]

Name changed..

Yesterday, as we're driving away for our annual weekend away (our only holiday every year), with DC (aged 1 and 3) in the car, H and I had an argument. It was over something silly (H had strapped in DC without putting her shoes on, and I hadn't packed any spare). I blamed him for it. Then, very placid, extremely kind H (who has never shouted at me in the 7 years we've been married), told me to 'shut the fuck up' or he'd 'punch my face in'. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.. After crying the remaining journey (me, and the kids), he drive us back home and unpacked his bag only, then went up to bed. When I attempted to discuss what he said in the car, he ignored me. When I enquired how we move on from this, he said 'we don't'. When I enquired what he meant, he said 'go figure'..

I slept in the spare room last night. I just don't know what to think. I don't know why he's being like this. He told me once a few years ago that I moan at him too much (which I accept, I have 2 young girls who are a real handful), but however much I nag, how does that justify what he said to me? In front of our children too... My heart is literally broken.. It's like there is no moderation in his behaviour. He's either silent, or he over exaggerates at the smallest thing. He has NEVER threatened violence before. Once, 3 years ago when we had another row (again, over something small), he told me he'd had enough and wanted a divorce. He then apologised to me (rare), and said he didn't mean it. Can someone help me make sense of this? Was it my fault? What should I do? I'm just devastated.

He has a good job, excellent provider, great dad and generally, very good Husband. I just don't know if I can forget what he said to me. He called me melodramatic last night too.. Am I being melodramatic? I know it's ridiculous to think about it, but my mum is seriously ill with a heart condition, and I don't want to add to her problems (she is usually who I turn to in times of problems)..

Please help.

Don't be surprised, he is acting normally, life is continuing.

You could answer "A marriage counsellor" or you could give him a list.

But I do think you need to have decided what your short term goal is, put up with him or start leaving. Otherwise you will just be angry/confused/upset without any control at all.

As I have said before, you know him better than we do. How do you want proceed from here? I suspect talking to him is not something you will do, as you seem to have resisted that and focussed on him not wanting to talk.

There is little anyone here can do besides repeat what has been said before. WE cannot decide for you. At some point that has to come from you.

Are you there yet? I know it is difficult, my aunt never did make the decision and is still with him, undecided and often unhappy, 25 years later. That was her choice, just as this is yours.

I agree. Please send that to him. Don't let him off the hook, not until he changes his behaviour.

I wouldn't even respond. Let him chase.

I do think you need to give yourself a deadline. How much time are you prepared to give him? What do you need him to say?

When I allowed exH back home after his attack and calling the police, I told him I'd give him a month to show me he had changed before even considering moving on. That included counselling, but he said no, and I realised then that we were actually over. I only actually left two days later.

You are at the start of the process and it's easier for us who are on the other side to see what should be done and when. You are actually quite lucid, it seems, but I can understand that you are likely to allow this to drag out and allow things to go back to "normal", until next time.
You will have your own time, as we all did.

If anything, I'd hope that you could save yourself misery by drawing from the experience from people who have been there, and be very assertive and proactive now.
At the very least, think of the children and what they are exposed to.
Do you want them to witness more threats? Do you want them in an environment where the parents are not speaking to each other? Do you want to risk them seeing him punch you eventually?

I don't want to appear 'normal' to him if that makes sense.

You don't want to start talking then?

I was not suggesting sweeping anything under the carpet or going back to 'normal'. He has, for the first time, talked to you.

You think that the right response is to lower yourself to his level of ignoring communication?

Each to their own.

You seem quite calm and determined now Always. Are you feeling stronger?

I agree with Nomama you need to decide what you want to happen short-term.
I'm on your behalf. The Tesco text might mean he's trying to open the lines of communication as a PP said but equally it might mean he's asking a question about shopping/household needs but is still not talking to you iyswim. (having lived with a moody, silent-treatment DP - he would have sent a text like that and then still not been talking when he returned. It was all about creating instability (and making sure he had enough yoghurts!).

I think Lweji 's reply is a good one.

Waffle, Always answer was in relation to responding simply to the Tesco question.

He is attempting to normalise it, but he couldn't even talk to you directly or by phone.
This is how he is dealing with what he did. Ignoring it. And ignoring his wife unless she ignores what he did too.

Waffle, you appear unnecessarily hostile. Not sure why?

Always never said she would ignore his communication. She just doesn't want to pretend that all is rosy and she feels like snuggling up with a box of chocolates.

If you reply in a normal fashion then you have given him the template for the rest of your relationship. He falsely accuses you, you apologise. He threatens you with violence stonewalls you for 3 days then things return to normal.

I would text that we need to talk about his threat to punch you in the face followed by 3 days silence.

Always, you are supposed to be so grateful and relieved he's texting that you fall back into normality in desperation.

My answer would be 'A solicitor'. And then a further text along the lines of 'if you aren't prepared to treat what you said with the seriousness it deserves, and me with the respect I deserve, then there is really no future in our relationship.'

waffle, I didn't mean ignoring him! I mean I didn't want to text back about things we actually needed! or settling in with chocs..

I text back:
'The only thing we need is to discuss what happened on Friday'.

Good text.

Yes, don't be lulled into a false sense of security. In all probability (from experience) will still be sulking when he returns home. Still think you should talk to another adult because you will begin to think "is it me?" Your mental health WILL suffer if this turns into a regular pattern.

Always well done. You're sounding strong and focused.

Yes, feeling much stronger. Spoke to FIL, who said he just called to see how I 'was' yesterday and that he 'missed me'. Wtf?! It seems like he going into damage limitation. I just said I haven't been too good, and he didn't bother to ask me why, just that he was sorry to hear that.

I've looked at relate websites-there is one literally down the road from where we live (though I might book one further away to ensure anonymity in case I bump into someone I know). When we talk I'm going to say that he should either attend with me or myself, but he must speak to someone.

Just a small part of me is sad that even if we manage to get through this, I won't be able to forget what he said to me. What's said can't be unsaid and all that. I still remember his face when he was shouting at me :(

Sorry, I meant attend relate with me or by himself, not myself!

Well done on sending the text. It means he can't just leave things simmering.

Always it's scary when someone isn't the person we think they are but it is good that you are recognising how much this has changed the dynamic between you, and that it can't be unsaid. When it happened to me, it took a while for me to realise the long-term implications of it.

Well they'll be back in an hour so we'll see how it pans out. I actually think I might vomit. I've put dd2 down for her nap. Poor little mite-they're caught up in all our shit..

Beware of going to Relate, or any other place for joint counselling.
Joint counselling is not recommended when there is abuse, and that includes violence or threats of violence, particularly if you are still living together, because you cannot guarantee that you will be safe at home. So, you can't really talk as you'd like during the sessions.

I did suggest it, if you are living separately, because then you might have a neutral place to discuss things and someone neutral to guide the discussion.
(note that when I suggested counselling with my now exH I was not aware of all this. I wouldn't suggest it now.)

Well done ,OP. Good text.

And because a controlling manipulative person might manipulate the counsellor.

I can see that you are feeling really anxious, that's understandable. Anyone would be.

Good luck.

OP I actually think you are far far stronger than you think. It sounds like you are ready to take back some control and I wish you all the best. Please keep safe. Stay strong!