Shocked at H's outburst

[Alwaysalone]

Name changed..

Yesterday, as we're driving away for our annual weekend away (our only holiday every year), with DC (aged 1 and 3) in the car, H and I had an argument. It was over something silly (H had strapped in DC without putting her shoes on, and I hadn't packed any spare). I blamed him for it. Then, very placid, extremely kind H (who has never shouted at me in the 7 years we've been married), told me to 'shut the fuck up' or he'd 'punch my face in'. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.. After crying the remaining journey (me, and the kids), he drive us back home and unpacked his bag only, then went up to bed. When I attempted to discuss what he said in the car, he ignored me. When I enquired how we move on from this, he said 'we don't'. When I enquired what he meant, he said 'go figure'..

I slept in the spare room last night. I just don't know what to think. I don't know why he's being like this. He told me once a few years ago that I moan at him too much (which I accept, I have 2 young girls who are a real handful), but however much I nag, how does that justify what he said to me? In front of our children too... My heart is literally broken.. It's like there is no moderation in his behaviour. He's either silent, or he over exaggerates at the smallest thing. He has NEVER threatened violence before. Once, 3 years ago when we had another row (again, over something small), he told me he'd had enough and wanted a divorce. He then apologised to me (rare), and said he didn't mean it. Can someone help me make sense of this? Was it my fault? What should I do? I'm just devastated.

He has a good job, excellent provider, great dad and generally, very good Husband. I just don't know if I can forget what he said to me. He called me melodramatic last night too.. Am I being melodramatic? I know it's ridiculous to think about it, but my mum is seriously ill with a heart condition, and I don't want to add to her problems (she is usually who I turn to in times of problems)..

Please help.

That sounds good, OP. Fingers crossed he opens up.

Don't apologise for anything right now, he is so far in the wrong.

He sounds so emotionally damaged by his childhood as does your sister in law. You do not want this for your daughters op.

What about talking over the verbal abuse, will you tell him that is going to be a priority because you can't just let it pass without talking about how he made you feel?

In fact, I would also put in a condition that he finds out about counselling and books some for himself before you can even begin to trust that he means to change.

I'm worried that this is going to be brushed aside in your desperation to get back with him.

Thanks guys. I just wanted to thank you all-all the advice given has been really useful. Even if it's not something that I've liked reading, it's made me look deeper into my relationship and life. The fact that people can sit and bother to read my problems and respond to them in a helpful, supportive and constructive way has really given me strength. My love and respect to you all. Will stop blubbing now..

No fair, I absolutely won't brush it under the carpet. I don't think he'll go for counselling though. Whilst I do want our marriage to survive, Friday has highlighted the fact that we have serious problems and I want to address those.

If it was a choice between counselling or separation, which one do you think he would go for?

Do you think there's any likelihood of this dynamic changing if he doesn't do some counselling?

I genuinely don't know. Maybe separating to get his point across? To punish me? I don't know. He's upstairs in our bedroom and I'm in the spare room. Do you think I should go and try and talk to him again now the kids are in bed or just leave it?

It depends what you are going to say to him. If you start with an apology and saying you love him he isn't likely to accept responsibility for his actions.

Personally, I would say, are you ready to talk to me yet about what happened? If he says no I would ask him if he was ever going to talk to me about it. At least you would know, one way or the other.

I don't see how you can even start on anything else until you address his verbal assault.

I would leave it. Try and get some sleep. Are you both home tomorrow? Might be a better time to talk.. Hopefully he will actually talk!

You want to address the issues... but he has to want to, too.

I don't think he can address his problems by himself. He has too skewed a view of normal. And you can't help him change - trying to be his counsellor would be totally futile.

Always, I think you're right. You have to let him know that staying 'for the sake of the children', in a miserable non-communicating relationship that will hurt all of you, isn't an option. It doesn't matter what the actual problems are if he won't discuss them. I think you should tell him that things seem to have reached a bad point for both of you, and that you need to discuss it together. His saying 'I don't want to talk about it' - well, tough luck for him. Tell him he either agrees to open up and work on the marriage, including talking, or he leaves and lives elsewhere while considering whether he can do that. That could be very enlightening for him - separation for a while could really clarify things for both of you and reveal the right choice in either direction. If there is a chance and the will to save things, temporary separation might help rather than hinder. Agreeing to open up might not mean he can immediately open up, he may have to agree to counselling first.

None of us know what has gone on in the backstory to this, but whatever it is - it is not acceptable for him to just bottle up resentment and not communicate with you. You shouldn't be kept in the dark while he 'decides' what to do, based on zero communication. He should tell you what is going on, or going wrong, so he can find out why you feel or behave as you do and what you can do together to change things. Or find out that you can't.

I just cannot buy this idea that as an adult he is forced to do all these things in his life against his will, but can't say anything about it but must simply be a martyr, and that he is then justified to make aggressive outbursts. He can make sure his life doesn't end up like that.

The fact that he is still refusing to communicate with you speaks volumes. It can't be excused by saying that he is upset or reflecting on what to do - he should respect you enough to not leave you with nothing during that time. Not even 'I'm not ready to talk about it, can you give me some time.' Just no, never, no talking - total shutdown. So disrespectful - he seems to think your feelings and thoughts are not relevant input, and he doesn't care that you're suffering.

The lack of an approach to you or apology says that he either really is quite awful, or that his problems with communication run very deep and will need significant help. If the latter, he has to recognise that and take action or things will end, even if there was good stuff that could have been saved.

I just don't know the wider picture from what you've said, I would really like to think for all your sakes that there is hope and you can be a happy family in the future.

Personally, I'd just tell him that when he wants to talk you are ready to do it. And leave it at that.

Make sure you are safe, though, just in case.

I think I will just leave it then until he's ready. Yes, the verbal assault is going to be the first thing I want to bring up. I just hope that I am given the opportunity. I want to suggest a separation if he wants it (I don't, but am willing to do it to avoid Friday's events ever happening again). His parents live fairly near, so he could go there. He may baulk at the idea of him having to be the one to leave, in which case I will go to my parents with the girls.

Or he could just baulk? It won't hurt him and it'll be better for the girls not to have to move out. It doesn't sound as if two days of separation will be a magic bullet - so you'd have to be prepared for it to be substantially longer than that.

Don't be too quick to leave the marital home OP.

You really don't know this man. You have no idea what is going on in his head, who he is talking to or what he is saying. You have no idea what he is thinking or feeling.

You cannot predict how he will behave. If he won't talk then get some legal advice before you tell him that you want a separation. Knowledge is power. You will feel more confident when you know where you stand.

Also, if he has been stewing, he may explode again so you do need to be careful. Remember, this is what he does - say nothing, say nothing, say nothing, explode. Without warning.

He is never going to be ready to talk though, is he? He doesn't talk, it's his thing.

Leave it until you are ready.

He sounds very difficult to live with at the moment, and threatening violence was horrible.

Going to counselling alone, for you, to discuss the relationship would probably be better than going with him.

Best not leave the marital home without getting legal advice first, unless you feel threatened.

What would happen if I left the marital home?

He might not let you back in. Do you have a joint mortgage?

Yes, we do... This may sound really naive but I think we do.. I signed the papers as well as him when we moved in.. That's it right?

It depends on what you signed. Could you find the paperwork.

Yes I could tomorrow... I'm pretty sure I'm on there. I have access to the mortgage account, and the mortgage is taken out of our joint account monthly...

Always if you'll be with the dc surely it would be better for you to stay - he can much more easily leave as one person and go to his parents who I'm sure will have great advice on marital harmony for him.

Be careful though. Does anyone know how best OP should approach it if it comes to asking him to leave for the time being, or who she could call if she feels threatened? It might well not be needed but just in case he has one of his outbursts.