Shocked at H's outburst

[Alwaysalone]

Name changed..

Yesterday, as we're driving away for our annual weekend away (our only holiday every year), with DC (aged 1 and 3) in the car, H and I had an argument. It was over something silly (H had strapped in DC without putting her shoes on, and I hadn't packed any spare). I blamed him for it. Then, very placid, extremely kind H (who has never shouted at me in the 7 years we've been married), told me to 'shut the fuck up' or he'd 'punch my face in'. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.. After crying the remaining journey (me, and the kids), he drive us back home and unpacked his bag only, then went up to bed. When I attempted to discuss what he said in the car, he ignored me. When I enquired how we move on from this, he said 'we don't'. When I enquired what he meant, he said 'go figure'..

I slept in the spare room last night. I just don't know what to think. I don't know why he's being like this. He told me once a few years ago that I moan at him too much (which I accept, I have 2 young girls who are a real handful), but however much I nag, how does that justify what he said to me? In front of our children too... My heart is literally broken.. It's like there is no moderation in his behaviour. He's either silent, or he over exaggerates at the smallest thing. He has NEVER threatened violence before. Once, 3 years ago when we had another row (again, over something small), he told me he'd had enough and wanted a divorce. He then apologised to me (rare), and said he didn't mean it. Can someone help me make sense of this? Was it my fault? What should I do? I'm just devastated.

He has a good job, excellent provider, great dad and generally, very good Husband. I just don't know if I can forget what he said to me. He called me melodramatic last night too.. Am I being melodramatic? I know it's ridiculous to think about it, but my mum is seriously ill with a heart condition, and I don't want to add to her problems (she is usually who I turn to in times of problems)..

Please help.

Yes, call him. If he tells you to apologise, I think you have your answer there.

It's just I don't want to start a cycle of talking to other people before I talk to h himself. It'll be like a Chinese whisper effect.

I could be wrong, he may want to discuss something else, but then he never calls me. I also thought h may be using his dad as a 3rd party cos he's too embarrassed to approach me himself, but his not wanting to talk this morning tells me this can't be. Also he'd never pick his dad as being the peacemaker cos he's a total misogynist, as I already explained.

"But he's never said he is overburdened with work. He won't talk about it. He'll come home, and we'll discuss the kids, outings planned etc. when I ask him about his day, he'll say 'just the same as any other'. On the other hand he can talk about football till the cows come home. How can I know he's struggling if he doesn't say?"

What can he say. Have you ever asked him? You have already admitted you would not reverse roles, won't get rid of the staff so he can take a holiday etc so he probably sees no point in complaining. He can't not earn as he has two children, you and the staff that he has to pay for. Would you seriously swap if it made him happier and relieved his stress? He has had to compromise in a lot of areas to keep you happy whilst you admit you have constantly been on his case.

So would you swap? Surely then you can lose the help which will help towards the drop in salary from his to yours.

Does he get involved with her medical appointments or can he not with having to work twelve hour days?

Perhaps he has asked his dad if he can stay with him and your father in law is concerned. Why has he interfered in the past? Do you row frequently?

I could never put the phone down on him, I'd wimp out and then have to listen to the bile cleverly disguised as concern. How can a man who has lived in silence for half his marriage advise me on mine? :(

Still no word from H. He took the girls to the supermarket in the afternoon whilst I had a little snooze.

Do you mean that he hasn't communicated with you at all or just not about the verbal abuse?

Did he just take the girls out while you were asleep, or what? If he is talking but just not about what happened, that makes things a bit clearer.

Sad to read that your H is still giving you the silent treatment. I had to email my dh on quite a few occasions when we were going through that hideously awful time.

As I said upthread if he won't accept that he needs to learn how to talk to you about his feelings then it is over. It's probably likely that you constantly "tell" him what to do with the girls because he's not around enough to know how to look after them. It's a common issue IMHO when one parent works very long hours it is so hard to let them do stuff their way and get it wrong and learn the hard way!

Probably hasn't been great for his self-esteem as a father and husband but still doesn't excuse being vile to you rather than talking to you about it - or at least trying to. He can move on from how he learned to deal with things as a child but he's got to want to.

Daisy, yes I frequently ask him. He doesn't say.

With regards to the help, genuinely h will refuse to pay if he thinks we can't afford it. Again I reiterate, the home help is NOT the issue. H has been in this job since before I met him. He has been contracting since 2008 (well before dd1, who was born in 2011). His hours have always been the same, possibly even longer. I also used to work 6am-5pm with a 1 hour commute each way 5 days a week prior to the kids. We saved like mad to be comfortable once the kids arrived, and it was MUTUALLY agreed I would a SAHM for the first 2 years of dd's life. Then dd2 arrived soon after, and again we agreed I would stay at home until dd2 turned 2. Of course h is sometimes resentful that he has to be the one to work, but he knows that I simply won't earn as much as him. Maybe he's actually annoyed that I won't earn as much as him if I worked, rather than he has to be the one to work. Does that make sense?

fair he's actually not said anything to me. Not a word at all.

I'm so sorry, I really know you're trying to help, but I really don't want to answer any more questions about the home help. She is not the issue. The issue is H's inability to talk to me about his emotions, and how we can save out marriage. I absolutely adore him :(

You have already admitted you would not reverse roles, won't get rid of the staff so he can take a holiday etc so he probably sees no point in complaining

OP said that they jointly decided that she would be the one to SAHP, because otherwise they would have financial difficulties. Maybe they could manage if he gave up his hobby or his gym membership, but maybe he doesn't want that.

Stop blaming her for him working. He wanted a family too, someone has to care for them be it her, him or a childminder.

He doesn't just not talk to her about work, he doesn't talk to her full stop.

he's actually not said anything to me. Not a word at all.

You've said previously that you usually give in after 3 days OP. Do you think you will do that this time too?

Why do you adore someone who sulks like this? That seems a bit odd to me?

Why do you adore a man who says things that hurt you when he's angry?
And who shuts you down?

Do you actually love him or what you think he might be inside?

I really know how heartbreaking and lonely it is when the one you love and adore won't open up and let you in.

Dh did in the early years, then not so much, then there was huge blip in his health and he completely and utterly shut me out. It caused me to have a near break down as he denied there was anything wrong etc. etc. it was truly awful and it was only when I decided to leave our marriage (and our dc as his is the main carer) that he had his epiphany and sought help.

Your user name lept out at me when I read your first post

Btw, you can ring his dad and if it is about this then you can say, sorry I don't think I should discuss that with anyone until I've spoken to dh.

That's reasonable, he won't argue with that or, if he does, just say, I have to go now and put the phone down.

Always, what's your DH's relationship with his parents like? Does he talk about the fact that they don't talk? Does he comment on his father's misogyny? How does your FIL express that?

You mentioned that your FIL always takes DH's side. Has he become involved in conflict between you prior to this?

I don't blame you for not wanting to talk to him - he sounds less than pleasant. But aren't you going to feel more anxious not knowing why he wants to speak to you? If your DH has arranged to go & stay with FIL, he should have the decency to tell you himself. This silent treatment is bloody pathetic.

You really don't have many options if he is unwilling to talk. It concerns me that he is not apologising and trying to make amends here. Could you write him a letter? Write down everything you want to say to him and then give him space to read it and digest it before having a talk? X

I love him because mostly he does his best by us. He works hard and he's kind- hearted. That's why Friday shocked me so much, he's never threatened me before. The girls also adore him.

I will not cave in after 3 days though. I will ask him again tomorrow if he wants to talk about things, and if not, will leave it again until he's ready.

I called FIL-went to vm.

Well done OP, you are doing great so far. How do you feel? Are you angry with the way he is treating you?

H didn't actually tell me anything about his parents- I only found out the status quo about a year after we got married (we used to live quite far from them so hardly ever saw them). He told me a year of so ago that his dad only stayed with his mum cos of the children, and I remarked what a sad thing that was that they've made each other miserable for 20 years, due to some misguided loyalty for the children (my sis-in-law is in regular therapy due to the effect her parent's marriage had on her to this day). H then said, he admired his father for doing this.

His dad is a misogynist cos he always trashes mil to us behind her back. I have politely pulled him up on it several times, but he says it's cos I'm a woman that I'm sticking up for her.. He's in his mid 80's though so I just let it go. He'll always side with h as well cos he says H is the man, and as the breadwinner I should respect him and do as he asks... He's also his favourite out of the siblings (as he has frequently says).

Oh my, he is quite a chip of the old block isn't he. What was it he said 3 years ago, that he wanted a divorce but wouldn't go through with it because of the children. He is behaving exactly like his dad who ended up making his wife miserable for 20 years. You don't need a crystal ball to see where this is heading

You have a chance to break the cycle though OP. Keep posting.

His father sounds like an absolute charmer. How can dh admire someone who has inflicted such misery on your sil and mil?

Personally I would stop puss footing around the issue. I'd text him to come home if he wanted to talk but from his continued silence you can only conclude he wants the marriage to end. That being the case then he needs to discuss details about how he wants to proceed. Or you could continue to put up with this crap.

Today I actually practised what I wanted to say to him in the mirror. That I love him, and I want this marriage to work, and that I would look at my own behaviour re nagging. But if he doesn't open up to me more, and tell me when he's getting frustrated and irate then we have to separate. I want to reassure him with regards to the children-that he could see them as much and as often as he liked so that's it's not a factor in his staying with me. I want him to stay for ME rather than just for the girls.

I don't want his parents marriage. More than that, I don't want to be his mother.

Alwaysalone I think it might help you to do some research into emotionally unavailable partners, it is often something that becomes more obvious after children arrive. Your H sounds very similar to someone I know.