Shocked at H's outburst

[Alwaysalone]

Name changed..

Yesterday, as we're driving away for our annual weekend away (our only holiday every year), with DC (aged 1 and 3) in the car, H and I had an argument. It was over something silly (H had strapped in DC without putting her shoes on, and I hadn't packed any spare). I blamed him for it. Then, very placid, extremely kind H (who has never shouted at me in the 7 years we've been married), told me to 'shut the fuck up' or he'd 'punch my face in'. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.. After crying the remaining journey (me, and the kids), he drive us back home and unpacked his bag only, then went up to bed. When I attempted to discuss what he said in the car, he ignored me. When I enquired how we move on from this, he said 'we don't'. When I enquired what he meant, he said 'go figure'..

I slept in the spare room last night. I just don't know what to think. I don't know why he's being like this. He told me once a few years ago that I moan at him too much (which I accept, I have 2 young girls who are a real handful), but however much I nag, how does that justify what he said to me? In front of our children too... My heart is literally broken.. It's like there is no moderation in his behaviour. He's either silent, or he over exaggerates at the smallest thing. He has NEVER threatened violence before. Once, 3 years ago when we had another row (again, over something small), he told me he'd had enough and wanted a divorce. He then apologised to me (rare), and said he didn't mean it. Can someone help me make sense of this? Was it my fault? What should I do? I'm just devastated.

He has a good job, excellent provider, great dad and generally, very good Husband. I just don't know if I can forget what he said to me. He called me melodramatic last night too.. Am I being melodramatic? I know it's ridiculous to think about it, but my mum is seriously ill with a heart condition, and I don't want to add to her problems (she is usually who I turn to in times of problems)..

Please help.

BookABooSue First of all, that post was extremely patronising. Second of all, your crossed out words show that you do not know the meaning of 'balance'. Your mind is made up that he's abusive.

It's clear that both 'sides' on this thread feel that they're banging their heads against a brick wall. I certainly do. Giving up completely now. It's all been said ad nauseum in 600 posts. The OP and her husband are the only ones who can make a change and there's no indication that's going to happen.

Alwaysalone - Then he is not acting like an adult. Good relationships require talking about issues.

Have a think about what you want from a relationship. You are important and what you want is important.

She doesn't need to take responsibility for getting her DH to talk to her; she doesn't have to work out a strategy to try to get him to engage. He's an adult. He'll talk about this when he wants to talk about it or not at all, the OP can't make him respond in her timescale or in her way. She can, however, take a view on an adult using the silent treatment.

Yes, lots of suggestions on this thread as to how OP can persuade or cajole her husband to talk to her. Surely that is an indication of how much responsibility she is being expected to take for his behaviour.

The facts are that he threatened to punch her in the face then ingored for, so far, two whole days.

And people think that's acceptable/excusable? That she should be the one going to him, admitting her faults and making all the conciliatory moves?

Despite the fact that she's said that what she normally ends up doing. He has escalated this and is waiting to see if he will get away with it. He might not be conscious of that fact but, nevertheless, that is what he is doing.

I don't know whether we would EVER talk about this now if I was to give him the silent treatment too, as I know he won't approach me.

This is why he does it OP. He is making it so damn difficult to broach that you will give up and let it go unchallenged. He knows he's in the wrong, he knows he's crossed a line. He is hoping that he won't have to be held into account for his actions. He is hoping that there will be no consequence.

But can you really let this go and not talk about it with him? Are you willing to do that to keep the peace?

I just see a woman tying herself up in knots, trying to take responsibility for her part of a situation where a man threatens to punch her in the face in front of her daughters, and a man who seems totally un-remorseful, and is determined to sulk until she begs for forgiveness.
Its HIM who should be begging for forgiveness, and HIM who should be saying to her "whoah, things got really out of hand there. I think we both need to sort this out".
But he isn't, is he? He is silently punishing her, making her think he is leaving her now. And she will try and curb what she says in the future, and not confront him when he is being an arse, out of fear.
I don't see how anyone in their right mind can look at this situation and see a poor chap at the end of his tether from too much nagging, and having a job FFS.
I have a job, and do all the child rearing and housework. Sometimes I get tired, and a bit overwhelmed by the responsibility. And yet I don't threaten supposed loved ones with punching their fucking faces in.
Just out of interest, how many of the posters who are defending this man have actually had a man scream something like this at them? Perhaps if you had you would get how terrifying that really feels.

OP does he have his phone on him? How about sending him a text, do you think he would respond to that?

'I need to talk to you about last Friday, can you let me know when we can do this please.'

It's non confrontational, it puts the ball firmly in his court, it lets him set the timescale for the 'talk' and it's written evidence that you tried.

Focus on yourself OP and what you want. Put yourself first for a change.

Hi IfNot, yes I have had a man screaming in my face like that. Am I allowed to have an opinion now?

I think the OP has gotten lots of advice here from all different angles. I hope she takes time to step back and think about what she really wants. Sometimes reading a forum like this can make things more confused and stressful. I hope you can take what you find useful from this thread, OP, and ignore the rest.

Grunt if you read my posts, I've made it clear that I don't know whether OP's DH is abusive or not. I don't know whether he would escalate to violence. Irregardless of my inability to predict the future, to me, his actions are not acceptable.

The bits I struck out are the facts that are being ignored by those suggesting the OP should make concessions. It's a fact that her DH shouted at her, threatened her and has spent x number of days ignoring her. It's a fact that he is choosing not to apologise. Minimising what has happened is not going to help the OP or, ironically, her DH.

Are we posting from 1954 today?
OP you sound like a genuinely nice person tying themselves up in knots trying to fix something that they did not break. If my DH forgot DD's shoes after I had done everything else that morning he would get a bit of grief over it too. You shouldn't have to 'nag' (urgh, my most hated word) to get him to plug his brain in and parent his own children responsibly. Threatening to punch you in the face is utterly wrong and totally horrific. The posters on here warning about EA are doing so because by saying that and then ignoring you he is displaying classically abusive red flags. If he had apologised profusely for the threatened violence then that would be one thing and maybe indicative of a breakdown, behaviour changing tumour, etc BUT he is leaving you to stew. Pushing the boundaries, checking to see what you will put up with.....
(Can posters giving Always a hard time about her mothers help please think about backing off too. She has posted for support in Relationships, not a kicking over having staff in AIBU)

I don't think anybody is downplaying what the DH said but it's one outburst in seven years.

Actually, this is likely to be the first outburst.

One of these acts are rarely unique unless the person who did it realises how awful it was and acts accordingly.
It doesn't sound like it, and I'd be willing to bet that it won't be the last and that it will get worse. The signs are there in his reaction.

OP if you do go and see the GP, are you going to tell them what your DH said to you? I mean verbatim, not alluding to an argument etc, are you going to tell them the words he used?

Actually, this is likely to be the first outburst

MN do crystal ball readings now then?

Go to the GP and tell him verbatim what happened. Completely omit nagging and 7 years of good behaviour, because there is never a reduction in the sentence for that on MN

How about telling the truth the whole truth etc? Which is what the OP has done here consistently and it is clear she accepts they both need to change and learn to communicate. How about a little constructive help that doesn't involve LTB?

Threats of violence rarely happen in the beginning of a relationship. They can happen after many years, and escalate from there.

Isneeze - Nobody should be trying to tell OP what to do. She needs to talk to someone who will be supportive and help her look at her options. That could be Women's Aid or Relate.

They will not minimise what has happened.

Also I wonder how your children are coping?

I've only really noticed a change in the dynamics of our relationship in the last 3 years

This is another classic sign OP. Abuse often starts after the birth of the first child, or during the pregnancy.

What have my children got to do with it? OPs children are apparently happy enough to play with their father this weekend. Children are resilient and provided this is a one off incident and the marriage can be saved (as the OP wants which is conveniently ignored by the 'own agenda' brigade )

The marriage obviously needs to salvageable. Neither you nor I know what the real dynamics are in this family.

Actually, this is likely to be the first outburst

MN do crystal ball readings now then?

There was a thread a while ago asking pp about acts of violence (and this was not an outburst - it was verbal violence and threat of actual physical violence) and I think only one or two pps of tens said that so far it had only been once. But their OHs had shown a different attitude.
The signs are not good here. (hence the world "likely")

She says a change in dynamics, which is very normal after the birth of the first child. It's also when the PND set in.

She DOES NOT SAY ABUSE.

She has never said abuse apart from the car incident, which was completely wrong.

Getting fed up banging my head against a brick wall and asking people to read what the OP actually says. Not what people are twisting her words to mean. Personally that kind of manipulation is exactly the type of EA being trotted out her. As in, you WILL come round to our way of thinking.

Other threads are not this thread.

Other threads are not this thread.

WTAF?

Of course she doesn't say abuse, she is only just coming to terms with the fact that that is what might be going on in her relationship. It's a lot to take in all at once which is why posters are recommending counselling and/or a chat with WA, reading up on stonewalling, etc.

Have you actually RTFT?

There is nothing here apart from one unacceptable and horrible outburst in 7 years in a man who works 11 hours a day for his family, employed a mothers help for his SAHM wife when she had PND and 3 years down the line is still helping?

His abusiveness is clearly on a very very long fuse

My exH did quite a lot at home.
He was still abusive. And he did use physical violence.
So?