Shocked at H's outburst

[Alwaysalone]

Name changed..

Yesterday, as we're driving away for our annual weekend away (our only holiday every year), with DC (aged 1 and 3) in the car, H and I had an argument. It was over something silly (H had strapped in DC without putting her shoes on, and I hadn't packed any spare). I blamed him for it. Then, very placid, extremely kind H (who has never shouted at me in the 7 years we've been married), told me to 'shut the fuck up' or he'd 'punch my face in'. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.. After crying the remaining journey (me, and the kids), he drive us back home and unpacked his bag only, then went up to bed. When I attempted to discuss what he said in the car, he ignored me. When I enquired how we move on from this, he said 'we don't'. When I enquired what he meant, he said 'go figure'..

I slept in the spare room last night. I just don't know what to think. I don't know why he's being like this. He told me once a few years ago that I moan at him too much (which I accept, I have 2 young girls who are a real handful), but however much I nag, how does that justify what he said to me? In front of our children too... My heart is literally broken.. It's like there is no moderation in his behaviour. He's either silent, or he over exaggerates at the smallest thing. He has NEVER threatened violence before. Once, 3 years ago when we had another row (again, over something small), he told me he'd had enough and wanted a divorce. He then apologised to me (rare), and said he didn't mean it. Can someone help me make sense of this? Was it my fault? What should I do? I'm just devastated.

He has a good job, excellent provider, great dad and generally, very good Husband. I just don't know if I can forget what he said to me. He called me melodramatic last night too.. Am I being melodramatic? I know it's ridiculous to think about it, but my mum is seriously ill with a heart condition, and I don't want to add to her problems (she is usually who I turn to in times of problems)..

Please help.

"Punching you came to his head, he verbalised it. It's only a tiny step before he does it."

You don't and can't know that.

Do you know that he won't? And would you bet your life and safety that he won't?

A single punch could kill and too many women are killed or put in hospital already.

He is doing fuck all to fix this. He should be thoroughly repentant and looking for help for even thinking of doing something like this to a person he is supposed to love.

My son can drive me to distraction and I never thought of punching him. Why should men be allowed to say it to women, regardless of whether they may work too hard or be "nagged" (for things he's being a bastard about, btw)?

Does he know that you don't want to blame him for everything when you talk? That's why I think you should say what you want to say to him regarding your feelings, without asking him to reply straight away if he doesn't want to. Saying "I'm sorry I nagged, but it was your fault for forgetting the shoes" is not productive and that's exactly what he probably thinks will happen if he agrees to talk to you. In 7 years nothing has changed.o t Why would he think it ever could if you don't tell him what you are prepared to do to meet him halfway?

Maybe he needs time to think. Perhaps he has realised he has reached the end of his tether and now has to decide if it's worth rescuing the relationship or if he wants out. It's far more of a wretch for the man to leave as they also have to leave their children.

Perhaps he doesn't want to get into it in front of the children and is waiting for the right time when you have both calmed down.

But he's never said he is overburdened with work. He won't talk about it. He'll come home, and we'll discuss the kids, outings planned etc. when I ask him about his day, he'll say 'just the same as any other'. On the other hand he can talk about football till the cows come home. How can I know he's struggling if he doesn't say?

Only. I've never seen a single thread on MN about a woman working outside the home and then not contributing when at home too

OPs husband does contribute. He pays for a mothers help . Contributing doesn't always mean scrubbing the bath. Provided someone scrubs the bath other than the OP then he is helping.

And 'playing with his children' is also contributing because it allows OP to have a bit of a break at the weekend. Unless you are saying that when the OP plays with her children in the week that has a different classification...supervised learning? Therefore it's work!

And as for being abusive? Based on one unacceptable outburst and an equally unacceptable demonstration of jealousy years ago. 2 episodes in 7 years. Really?

Yes, I know the OP says she nags. That's kind of my point (and others have tried to make it too: if someone is repeatedly told that they 'nag' they may well come to believe it.

I'll say it again: 'nagging' is usually, in fact, just someone having to say or ask repeatedly something that they should only have had to say once.

And 'I nag about him making noise when the kids are asleep' – why does she have to 'nag' him about it? Why can a competent grown-up not compute that it's a good idea not to make noise when children are asleep? Even if he couldn't work that out on his own, it being mentioned to him once really ought to have been enough.

Maybe her self esteem started out low because of her mother putting her down, and that's why she married suh a know? Just a thought.

Where on earth does the OP say that?

Starting to insinuate things that haven't been said really doesn't help.

Since when has one person's word been taken as gospel on here?

Well people are taking that the ops examples of 'nagging' as all that has happened.

The only two people that know what are happening are the OP and her DH.

I do see quite a bit of projection going on here.

When I left my extremely abusive relationship people tried to say oh it must be that you were worn down by your family etc growing up. Where in fact that couldn't be further from the truth!

The OP says he wanted to be the SAHP but implies her standard of living would have to change.

No, she didn't. She said "My job, though very well paid, earns less than his so we would really struggle financially."

Some posters' insistence that he is a bastard a step away from killing or maiming the OP are just incredible.

OP I am so sorry for you and all the nit picking and blame upon blame being heaped upon you.

Your feelings about being physically threatened with violence are entirely valid.

So many posters seem to think that because he didn't actually punch you, you should make allowances for what he did.

Maybe they would still suggest giving him the benefit of the doubt even if he had punched, who knows.

But lets just stick with what did actually happen.

Going from what you have posted, and only what you have posted, I think the most likely outcome is that he will keep up the stonewalling until you either apologise or just stop trying to talk about what happened.

He will then carry on as if nothing has changed. This is what worries me. This is how he was raised and you can see that effect that it has had on him.

Please have a good think about what kind of relationship model you want to give your children.

Please also book some counselling for yourself.

I'm not sure what your GP can do. You will never move forward unless your DH talks about this incident and your marriage in general. You need to make this clear to him. You'd be better arranging counselling for him/you or both together.
I actually have sympathy for both of you. It sounds a very stressful situation.

Only....because we are all human? Or is that not good enough and the OPs H has to be a saint. Maybe he is tired after working a long day and forgets.

Men will react by clamming up. Women will react by wanting to talk! Not easy for anyone but it's communication that is needed here and not LTB!

The OP is an adult. She has stated what she wants and has clearly recognised there are problems with the marriage and they both need to change.

Stop pigeonholing her and her marriage to suit your own agenda. It's extremely annoying and not helping the OP at all. If the LTBs had there way Hs cases would be at the front door by now.

Has anyone considered how arriving on holiday and then being told you are turning around and coming home affected the children? Especially the 3 year old.

Lots of talk about the OP and her husband. How about putting the needs of the children centrally?

You know, OP, one of the saddest posts you have made on this thread is 'I wish I never mentioned the fucking shoes'.

Because you know what, next time you won't will you. You know better than to do that now. This is how people get very slowly conditioned and adapt their own behaviour to avoid a confrontation.

In a normal relationship you don't have to do this. You don't have the fear, you are able to disagree, discuss and resolve without it being called nagging.

sneeze, I have never said 'abuse' on this thread.

And yes, playing with his children is contributing. I just mean that it's being cited on here as a great glowing example of his magnificent parenting skills and the OP's unreasonableness, when I don't think women get much praise simply for, you know, spending time with THEIR OWN children.

TBH it doesn't matter a rat's ass if he plays with the children as long as he keeps being noisy when they're trying to sleep, or giving his daughter foods she has an intolerance of.

sneeze, who am I pigeonholing and what's my agenda?

Sorry, how am I pigeonholing the OP?

I don't think anybody is downplaying what the DH said but it's one outburst in seven years. I do think people are saying no blame falls on the OP yet clearly there are problems on both sides.

"But he's never said he is overburdened with work. He won't talk about it. He'll come home, and we'll discuss the kids, outings planned etc. when I ask him about his day, he'll say 'just the same as any other'. On the other hand he can talk about football till the cows come home. How can I know he's struggling if he doesn't say?"

What can he say. Have you ever asked him? You have already admitted you would not reverse roles, won't get rid of the staff so he can take a holiday etc so he probably sees no point in complaining. He can't not earn as he has two children, you and the staff that he has to pay for. Would you seriously swap if it made him happier and relieved his stress? He has had to compromise in a lot of areas to keep you happy whilst you admit you have constantly been on his case.

He shouldn't have snapped or got jealous in the past but mistakes appear to have been made on both parts. Without communication on all areas, nothing will change. Maybe some space would do you both some good to reassess what's important and what makes you both unhappy.

I would never say what he did, to a partner. However if I had his life, I'd want out. It sounds a miserable existence and full of pressure to provide with not a lot back. What's the point in having a family and working hard to provide a mothers help etc if you never see them.

Regarding the mothers help...I know some posters think you should be entitled to one, but really? Is it really necessary to the point that you have so many financial obligations your husband is under such stress

Only. I only referred to you in the first sentence. It is in relation to your assertion that being told something once is enough to make the OPs H remember her instructions. (Re nagging). As in ......the reason people forget to be quiet when the kids are asleep is....because we are only human.

I didn't praise the H for playing win his children just stated it as a fact. Of course you don't get a medal for it! Neither do women!

I never said you used the term abuse. I am referring to the multiple posters here pigeonholing her for their own agenda and screaming hysterically EA.

Front forward. The OP only has the mothers help because she suffered with PND after the first child and her DH suggested it. She has two very young DDs. Not the action of an abusive partner imo as he is being called.

OP I would be demanding tonight that he talks to me if he wants the marriage to work. I would be telling him he doesn't have an option, he talks or you take a break or something.

Careful U2, this very sensible advice might get you lumped in with the LTB posters (whoever they are).

Maybe "demanding" he talks is not the best approach when trying to calm the situation and get a good outcome.

OK, sneeze, I see.

We will have to agree to disagree on how many times an intelligent adult needs to be reminded to keep the noise down when their children are sleeping. I can't imagine having to tell anyone I know more than once, that's if I had to tell them at all.

But it is clear when OP gives examples, that she is not nagging. She is having to repeat some basic safety instructions for the wellbeing of her children.

Fairenuff there is not one example of where the kids were in danger because her H didn't follow her 'instructions'. Leaving a bib off does not put a kid in mortal danger. Forgetting shoes is an oversight not a deadly sin.

H will parent slightly differently to OP it's not a sin......