Shocked at H's outburst

[Alwaysalone]

Name changed..

Yesterday, as we're driving away for our annual weekend away (our only holiday every year), with DC (aged 1 and 3) in the car, H and I had an argument. It was over something silly (H had strapped in DC without putting her shoes on, and I hadn't packed any spare). I blamed him for it. Then, very placid, extremely kind H (who has never shouted at me in the 7 years we've been married), told me to 'shut the fuck up' or he'd 'punch my face in'. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.. After crying the remaining journey (me, and the kids), he drive us back home and unpacked his bag only, then went up to bed. When I attempted to discuss what he said in the car, he ignored me. When I enquired how we move on from this, he said 'we don't'. When I enquired what he meant, he said 'go figure'..

I slept in the spare room last night. I just don't know what to think. I don't know why he's being like this. He told me once a few years ago that I moan at him too much (which I accept, I have 2 young girls who are a real handful), but however much I nag, how does that justify what he said to me? In front of our children too... My heart is literally broken.. It's like there is no moderation in his behaviour. He's either silent, or he over exaggerates at the smallest thing. He has NEVER threatened violence before. Once, 3 years ago when we had another row (again, over something small), he told me he'd had enough and wanted a divorce. He then apologised to me (rare), and said he didn't mean it. Can someone help me make sense of this? Was it my fault? What should I do? I'm just devastated.

He has a good job, excellent provider, great dad and generally, very good Husband. I just don't know if I can forget what he said to me. He called me melodramatic last night too.. Am I being melodramatic? I know it's ridiculous to think about it, but my mum is seriously ill with a heart condition, and I don't want to add to her problems (she is usually who I turn to in times of problems)..

Please help.

Have you spoken to him today, OP or, as far as he is concerned are neither of you talking to the other?

I would use this as a wake up call to both look at how you treat each other before it goes to far. My h was the quiet one and very laidback, I was the one that always wanted a spotless house and looking back probably did nag him a bit (also working hard with 2 small kids). We bickered but he seemed to bottle things up while I would quite happily let it out. We are now getting divorced as he has had an affair stating he was sick of the nagging at home.

While he still acted unacceptably and I am devastated I can't help wishing I could go back and change myself. If I had my time again I would have ignored all the little things that really didn't matter. I'd have been nicer to him which in turn would have made him nicer to me. He may then not have looked elsewhere. I thought we would never split and this has hit me hard so think carefully what you do or say next. Suggest councelling as it sounds like it could help. If I could go back to the stage you are at I would in a heart beat. By the time I realised changes needed to be made it was too late and I'd already lost him. He is a good man too who has just done something really stupid that he can not take back.

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is NOT your fault - not in any way, shape or form.

Agree that temporaryuser's post is excellent & that apologising wouldn't be a good idea.

The anecdote about your being accused of flirting with your BIL is quite disturbing. It's clearly not just your (supposed) nagging that's the issue, is it? It sounds like your DH is quite adept at making you out to be in the wrong, to justify his own unacceptable behaviour.

to you. I think it might be a good idea for you to talk to your mum or someone who can support in RL. It's horrible to think of you trying to cope with all this & doing your best to keep things normal for the girls, while your DH is still refusing to speak to you.

This might be long long, sorry but I had to post.

You've had lots of comments on your behaviour but you 'nag' because he doesn't listen.

DH would accuse me of 'nagging' for very similar reasons. He didn't take DS's allergies seriously, would ignore his routine causing sleep issues, always over dressed him and undermined me generally (although I didn't realise this at the time).

We eventually ended up in marriage counselling. At the first session they said they couldn't work with us as DH's behaviour was abusive. The not listening thing is massive, it means he doesn't value and respect you, as a mother, as an individual. This is key to moving forwards.

I also had PND, struggled to cope with parenthood. DH paid for help which on the surface was lovely and I thought he was supportive but it's was just throwing money at a problem while absolving him of responsibility.

He even 'supported' me when I decided I needed anger management CBT to help with my snappiness. I took all the responsibility, I was convinced it was me. It wasn't. I doubt very much it's you either.

I think it's clear from what you say there are far deeper problems in your marriage than a pair of shoes.

I think writing him a letter explaining your feelings at being verbally abused. Asking why it happened. Being willing to accept and listen to any complaints he has against you, because, make no mistake, unless he has an OW (and you would see other signs of that) he is resentful and angry with you over something.

That doesn't mean it's a righteous anger and that you need to change anything, just that you need to know how he feels about you. You know I am sure that nothing will be resolved unless you talk to one another and all this hysteria isn't helping.

Men can feel under huge pressure to provide for their families. Sometimes jobs can be stressful and he feels unable to discuss this with you. Maybe he resents the fact that you can control your life more easily, choose to walk in the park, choose to read a book while your helper looks after the children. Any full time worker will feel controlled by their employer and it's this loss of control which may make him behave in an out of character way.

I did suggest a weekend away to talk without children taking your attention and some arse tacked on 'and wear a sexy nightie'. NOT what I said or mean or implied at all and typical of the way this thread has veered into the usual LTB dead end.

At the first session they said they couldn't work with us as DH's behaviour was abusive.

Yes, joint counselling would not be recommended at this stage, OP. You should get counselling on your own and so should he.

IfItHelps
A very interesting post.

AlwaysAlone
I hope you are feeling a bit better xx

ifithelps, your story sounds very similar to mine. H didn't come down after the kids went to bed. He stayed in our room and I'm in the spare.

Thanks keepcool, I still feel a bit shell-shocked tbh.. This was supposed to be our lovely weekend away :(

I've only read the first post and not the others, (wrong I know), but I would say (in my 30 years experience of having been married) - don't write him off just yet.
Many a cross word has been said in the heat of the moment.
There is a glimmer of hope.
yes, your relationship needs work (maybe even some councelling), but I think your relationship sounds 'salvagable'

Good Luck! xxxx

I've only read the first post and not the others, (wrong I know)

If you know it's wrong, why do it?

FYI he won't do counselling.

OP, get some sleep if you can, see how he is tomorrow. He is trying to wear you down by his silent treatment. Do you have anyone in rl that you could visit tomorrow?

I hope you can get some sleep.
x

fairenuff, only my mum. I haven't told her what happened yesterday, she still thinks we're away. I sent her a text this morning saying we were ok (didn't mention location).. I'm overwhelmed by the support here though xx

I suggest that, if you can, you get up early and take the girls over to see your mum. Tell her what's happened and just have some time away from him x

As this thread goes on, my feelings that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT are strengthened.

I am not sure what happened, did you come home because of the shoes or was you on your way home when it all kicked off, why was the weekend cancelled? aborted?

Not that i think thats particularly relevant anymore, i cannot believe he is still sulking like a spoilt brat, unless he is mortified at his behaviour and can't face you.

The accusing you of nagging and ignoring you are all ways of controlling you, he sounds abusive tbh, just because he hasn't hit you (yet) it doesn't mean he wont.

We were on our way there. Then we had the argument and he threatened me. We got to the hotel 20 mins after that but I just felt I couldn't stay in the same room as him so said I'd be getting the train back with dd2. He said in that case, we'd all come back..

OP, is he under the impression that you're not talking to him too? Have you spoken to him and not had a reply or not spoken to him at all?

ah ok, so he is probably sulking because you stuck to your guns and came back rather than staying at the hotel. Fucking bastard, he should be ashamed of himself.

Try and get some sleep now, then tomorrow take yourself and the girls out for the day - to your parents? Don't ignore him, but keep it polite and to the point. If he wants to talk apologise then do, but do keep in mind that you need to either make some significant changes (or rather he does) or you have to question your future in this relationship. I am so so sorry that you are going through this.

Sending you a hug ALWAYSALONE, ive been sworn at on several occasions by my otherwise placid DH, i know how it feels.Bang goes our dreams of the happy family life we hoped we had.My DH said he would never apologize.
The years in between were fine but he can take stonewalling and sulking to a whole new level.Sometimes he shuts his eyes and often rolls over to sleep!!
I hope you can get councilling and work this through ( mine wouldnt express his thoughts there either) good luck though

Everything else aside, one weekend away a year is quite a sad affair.

You both sound stressed and unhappy. I suggest counselling as a first port of call.

I would not leave my husband over a comment like that if it was the first one he said in 7 years. My marriage is too important to throw away due to one blowup.

Now if he did it again I would re-consider, if he hit me he would be gone; no second chances. I personally won't throw away my marriage for ONE awful outburst in 7 years.

I would be demanding to talk and possibly go to counselling but until those avenues are explored I wouldn't LTB. Now, if there were other signs of emotional abuse then I would be out. No one here has enough information to claim you are in a EA marriage.

I can totally see how someone would be holding feelings and stress in for so long that one day they burst. It doesn't make it ok, but I get how that could happen. If he cares about your marriage he needs to work on that.

You both obviously need to do some serious work on your marriage, but make no mistake, you are not responsible for what he said to you. Even if you moaned at him for hours on end it is not ok for him to threaten you with violence. By all means look at your part of the marriage and see what you might be able to do to improve it in general, if he is willing to do the same on his end, but whatever you do please do not blame yourself for his words.

This needs to be put in perspective. People here are quick to see abuse in everything anyone posts. He may be abusive but there is nothing to say that he is; ONE awful outburst in 7 years does not an abuser make, although if he continues to speak to you like that then of course that changes everything.

I hope you can work things out. By now I would have confronted him and told him he had to talk if he wanted our marriage to continue. I wouldn't sit around waiting for him to talk, he would know that I expect him to talk about the issue and if he didn't then I would assume that he has no wishes of solving this.

They do sound very similar.

Interestingly, his parents spent ten years of their married life not speaking and living on separate floors in the same house.

It's very confusing being the organiser and the one responsible for everything whilst being continually undermined in the same breath. It's a head fuck actually. Hence the PND.

I wouldn't sit around waiting for him to talk, he would know that I expect him to talk about the issue and if he didn't then I would assume that he has no wishes of solving this.

And then what would you do U2 when you realised that he would not talk about this issue? What would you do next?

Because that is the position OP is in now.

With every post you make OP, I become more and more certain that he is abusive. I have been exactly where you are, and I said the same things. I thought I was at fault, and wasn't saying things the right way.

My ex would ignore routines, 'forget' to give DC lunch, not do any amount of normal daily stuff and accuse me of 'nagging' or 'always having a go at him', or the classic 'you won't let me parent my own way'. The reason I couldn't was because he was neglectful, careless and far too aggressive when he disciplined.

My ex threatened me in my children's hearing, frightening them terribly. He couldn't see he'd done anything wrong.

Please ignore any poster who tries to suggest you are emotionally abusive/at fault/nagging. Anyone who truly is so would not spend even ten seconds posting on mumsnet in such clear desperation trying to work out how to to fix this problem. They wouldn't believe the fault for this incident lay in any way with themselves.

You can't fix this. He has to recognise it as a problem and want to fix it himself, or your life will be intolerable.

You sound too scared to demand that he talk, for fear he will carry out his threat of leaving. That is abuse. It is designed to keep you trapped in place accepting what he is doing.

I know the consequences of facing this are huge. The loss of everything you hope for. Your future. Your dc's future in a family. But this is no way to live. None of you are living freely, breathing freely.

If he won't communicate, and uses threats to shut you up, I'd say talk to WA. At the very least, read the links at the top of the EA support thread.