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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Shocked at H's outburst

999 replies

Alwaysalone · 23/08/2014 06:07

Name changed..

Yesterday, as we're driving away for our annual weekend away (our only holiday every year), with DC (aged 1 and 3) in the car, H and I had an argument. It was over something silly (H had strapped in DC without putting her shoes on, and I hadn't packed any spare). I blamed him for it. Then, very placid, extremely kind H (who has never shouted at me in the 7 years we've been married), told me to 'shut the fuck up' or he'd 'punch my face in'. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.. After crying the remaining journey (me, and the kids), he drive us back home and unpacked his bag only, then went up to bed. When I attempted to discuss what he said in the car, he ignored me. When I enquired how we move on from this, he said 'we don't'. When I enquired what he meant, he said 'go figure'..

I slept in the spare room last night. I just don't know what to think. I don't know why he's being like this. He told me once a few years ago that I moan at him too much (which I accept, I have 2 young girls who are a real handful), but however much I nag, how does that justify what he said to me? In front of our children too... My heart is literally broken.. It's like there is no moderation in his behaviour. He's either silent, or he over exaggerates at the smallest thing. He has NEVER threatened violence before. Once, 3 years ago when we had another row (again, over something small), he told me he'd had enough and wanted a divorce. He then apologised to me (rare), and said he didn't mean it. Can someone help me make sense of this? Was it my fault? What should I do? I'm just devastated.

He has a good job, excellent provider, great dad and generally, very good Husband. I just don't know if I can forget what he said to me. He called me melodramatic last night too.. Am I being melodramatic? I know it's ridiculous to think about it, but my mum is seriously ill with a heart condition, and I don't want to add to her problems (she is usually who I turn to in times of problems)..

Please help.

OP posts:
placidjoy123 · 23/08/2014 18:16

Fairnuff
The difference placid is that the OP was really in actual fear of him doing it.

Really? Has she said that? "I was / am in ACTUAL fear of him really doing it?"

Forgive me if I missed something.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 23/08/2014 18:16

I think the fact that he still hasn't apologised for threatening you says everything

Regardless of everything else stepping over that line is massive, if he really just snapped and didn't mean it then he would be feeling terrible and would apologise- even if he felt he was justified in being upset. The fact that he did it in front of the children is even worse, wouldn't you feel terrible and ashamed if you had done that?

Don't sweep this under the carpet op, use this as a catalyst to change things and make sure you don't end up in this place again

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 23/08/2014 18:20

He said herself she really thought she would hit her in her post at 06:39

placidjoy123 · 23/08/2014 18:21

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected

How do you know? And by what standards are you deciding whether something is offensive or not?

I think when two people know each other and love each other - they know in their hearts what is a direct and real threat and what is a very regrettable expressing of frustration.

I am sure I will now be kicked for "minimising" but equally there has been a heck of a lot of catastastrophising on here. Completely unsual for MN I know.

placidjoy123 · 23/08/2014 18:25

Fairnuff
"Placid, I'm sorry but you have been conditioned to think that this is normal"

Never for a one moment said it's "normal". The OP's story and mine suggest it is RARE and ABNORMAL. That's the whole point!!! Not worth ending a marriage or destroying a family for.

placidjoy123 · 23/08/2014 18:26

Catastrophising

placidjoy123 · 23/08/2014 18:33

OK - I apologise if OP is and remains in actual fear of her husband striking her. In that case, of course she should get herself and the children to safety. However the overall tone of this thread seems to indicate that this is more of a "one off" / "end of my tether" / "at my wits end" kind of a situation.

Isn't it possible that the husband is just as embarrassed by his own explosion?

Let's forgive him. forgive her, get back to normal for the little babies (the most important people in this whole situation) and ffs (me being LESS than placid or joyful) PLEASE PLEASE stop making a bad situation even worse by now suggesting he must be having an affair!!!

For all of you people claiming to be supportive - some of your comments and suggestions could be classed as a form of emotional abuse in their own right !!

capant · 23/08/2014 18:37

No it is not common for people to threaten to punch their partner as claimed above. This is not on.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 23/08/2014 18:37

Placidjoy123
I think when two people know each other and love each other - they know in their hearts what is a direct and real threat and what is a very regrettable expressing of frustration.

Sounds like you (Placidjoy123) have a very low threshold for abuse if you think that what her husband shouted at OP is acceptable.

It is very worrying behaviour for the OP and it certainly would be for me.

Fairenuff · 23/08/2014 18:37

Fairnuff
The difference placid is that the OP was really in actual fear of him doing it.

Really? Has she said that? "I was / am in ACTUAL fear of him really doing it?"

Forgive me if I missed something.

I feel so hurt he threatened me...

I really did think he would hit me

I've never felt threatened by him, but I really did last night.

What he said really hurt though

I used to think he'd never do anything like that, but I never thought he'd threaten me either..

I forgive you placid

Alwaysalone · 23/08/2014 18:41

Hi everyone. No, he's still not talking to me. I font think he will yet. I actually feel physically sick thinking about getting a solicitor. I can't afford it either, how will I pay for it? Sorry for delayed replies and tmi, but I have terrible diarrhoea today. I always get it when I'm anxious. I'm still unable to fb my toddler, no milk coming through... What a fucking awful useless day. I'm not suicidal, but I actually thought whether anyone would miss me if I wasn't here. Then one look on my angels' faces confirmed they would.

OP posts:
mamalino · 23/08/2014 18:41

Placidjoy123 you are talking absolute bollocks.

mamalino · 23/08/2014 18:42

Sorry crossed with you OP.

Jux · 23/08/2014 18:43

One of the major reasons why this is not at all acceptable is his behaviour afterwards. He's STILL not speaking to her, let alone apologising for threatening her (and everyone knows that threats of physical violence are really unacceptable these days) or making her cry.

The whole drive he didn't even try a peaceable "sorry, I shouldn't have said that" but showed his indignation by unpacking HIS stuff only and then going to bed.

He is STILL not speaking to her. He is sulking and is almost certainly waiting for her to appease him.

Is that what would normally happen, op? That you would appease him? Placate him?

I'm afraid that the minimising going on on this thread is getting to me too, so for the moment, I'll be bowing out.

OP, I hope you find some peace. I hope your h finds an adult hiding inside him.

Saltedcaramel2014 · 23/08/2014 18:43

I'm sorry to hear what happened OP. I'm quite surprised at some of the replies here that seek to justify your H's behaviour, suggest you should make him coffee and chat etc. What he said to you in front of your children is absolutely APPALLING. No two ways about it. He threatened to punch you in the face. How you proceed is down to you, taking into account all the context you know of. But whatever you decide to do please know that what he did is awful. Really. And calling you melodramatic is his way of minimising it. You are not at fault here and I hope you know that.

Alwaysalone · 23/08/2014 18:44

Jeez, I'm so sorry for sounding so over the top. I'm actually quite a 'together' person in real-life! I know I must keep it together for the kids. Just knowing you are all out there and listening is very cathartic so thank you so much.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 23/08/2014 18:44

Ok, OP, first things first. You do not have to do anything straight away. Take some time and look after yourself. Are you eating?

Get out some baby pictures, give your toddler a bath and breathe that lovely clean toddler smell. Take them into a room with just the two of you and let them latch on, see what happens.

placidjoy123 · 23/08/2014 18:48

Yeah thanks mamalino for your reasoned and logical response. We have a young mum here with two beautiful children need our support and kindness. And yet so many MNers think the best thing is to suggest he is having an affair on top of everything else.
I have never for one moment said what he said is "acceptable" OR "normal". I did say it we have a choice about making a bad situation worse (by fanning the flames / catastrophising) or just giving this young couple a bit of slack, love and support at a difficult time.

I am convinced that they will both look back on this in years to come and say "I am so glad we got through that. I am so glad we talked and worked things out"

Fairenuff · 23/08/2014 18:50

I'm not so convinced, I see nothing here that indicates anything will change. Remember, they have been like this for seven years, it's not going to change by itself. They will both need to work very, very hard and, at the moment he has checked out.

placidjoy123 · 23/08/2014 18:51

Fairnuff
Thanks for your forgiveness. Could you now please also go through all 394 messages and summarise all the positives in this thread, marriage?

Fairenuff · 23/08/2014 18:53

Fairnuff
Thanks for your forgiveness. Could you now please also go through all 394 messages and summarise all the positives in this thread, marriage?

Why?

If you're so bothered, do it yourself.

MrsCosmopilite · 23/08/2014 18:57

I can't believe he is still being so childish as to not speak to you for the best part of 24 hours. It could be that he associates rows with separation, etc. or with his parent's marriage. However, if he doesn't want to have the same situation then he needs to recognise:

  1. You and He are not the same people his parents are
  2. If he won't talk to you he is compounding the problem.

I'm not here to justify anyone's behaviour. As I said upthread, you've mentioned 'nagging' but that really depends on what you're asking him to do, and how you ask. Nagging or not nagging, threatening violence to the extent that you actually thought he'd follow it through is not acceptable.

You say your girls are handful, but I suspect they're normal little girls - interested in everything, curious, noisy, active... typical children.

I think you need to take some time here to get yourself calmed down, and deal with your girls this evening. Then suggest to your DH that you talk. It sounds as though he bottles everything up and then explodes. Not healthy. It sounds as though you over analyse everything and are walking on eggshells to keep the peace. Not healthy.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 23/08/2014 18:58

Always could you ask him to go and stay somewhere else until he is willing to talk. You might be able to relax and think if he isn't hanging around like a grey cloud.

Keep calm and just ask him. Explain he is causing you so much anxiety that you cannot feed your child.

Please, please look up stonewalling.

placidjoy123 · 23/08/2014 18:59

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected
When did you ever hear me say it was acceptable? Stop misrepresenting what I have said. What he said was UNACCEPTABLE, NOT ON AT ALL. However I also believe it was RARE and hopefully a first and only time.

Never have I said it is (or should be common). But none of us have got a time machine. And in the choice between "minimising" and "catastrophising" I would always prefer the neutral path of

  1. Influencing the best possible outcome for ALL concerned
  2. Thinking about the best possible next step for ALL concerned
  3. Making sure we do not let one (hopefully) isolated incident get blown up
  4. Rememebering that one horrible, unacceptable, hurtful episode does not need to change the future for ever (in a bad way)
LatteLoverLovesLattes · 23/08/2014 19:00

mamalino - placidjoy is not. You don't have to agree, but you don't have to be rude either.