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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Shocked at H's outburst

999 replies

Alwaysalone · 23/08/2014 06:07

Name changed..

Yesterday, as we're driving away for our annual weekend away (our only holiday every year), with DC (aged 1 and 3) in the car, H and I had an argument. It was over something silly (H had strapped in DC without putting her shoes on, and I hadn't packed any spare). I blamed him for it. Then, very placid, extremely kind H (who has never shouted at me in the 7 years we've been married), told me to 'shut the fuck up' or he'd 'punch my face in'. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.. After crying the remaining journey (me, and the kids), he drive us back home and unpacked his bag only, then went up to bed. When I attempted to discuss what he said in the car, he ignored me. When I enquired how we move on from this, he said 'we don't'. When I enquired what he meant, he said 'go figure'..

I slept in the spare room last night. I just don't know what to think. I don't know why he's being like this. He told me once a few years ago that I moan at him too much (which I accept, I have 2 young girls who are a real handful), but however much I nag, how does that justify what he said to me? In front of our children too... My heart is literally broken.. It's like there is no moderation in his behaviour. He's either silent, or he over exaggerates at the smallest thing. He has NEVER threatened violence before. Once, 3 years ago when we had another row (again, over something small), he told me he'd had enough and wanted a divorce. He then apologised to me (rare), and said he didn't mean it. Can someone help me make sense of this? Was it my fault? What should I do? I'm just devastated.

He has a good job, excellent provider, great dad and generally, very good Husband. I just don't know if I can forget what he said to me. He called me melodramatic last night too.. Am I being melodramatic? I know it's ridiculous to think about it, but my mum is seriously ill with a heart condition, and I don't want to add to her problems (she is usually who I turn to in times of problems)..

Please help.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 23/08/2014 17:07

I'm too weak to threaten to see a solicitor if he refuses to discuss it cos I know I won't go through with it. He's still not talking to me.

Well of course OP, that is your choice. I don't think you are too weak, I think it is just something that you are not ready to face. This is why you keep accepting this behaviour and ignoring it.

I don't want to end up like his parents, where we exist for 20 years with no verbal or physical contact. I don't want our DC to think that's the norm.

This is exactly how you will end up if you don't change anything. You are on course for this. Your dh thinks it is normal because this is how he was raised and your dcs will also think it is normal because it is how they are being raised.

It's up to you, OP. Doing nothing might seem like the easiest option at the moment but, as you can see, in the long run it will just lead to unhappiness for all of you.

Gruntfuttock · 23/08/2014 17:12

I can imagine he might think that if he talks about what made him lose his temper, he might be met with "Well you shouldn't have forgotten the shoes then" and the situation will have gone from bad to worse with possibly another loss of temper. Just say what you said you wanted to tell him and that you want to change your relationship for the better whatever it takes on both your parts.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/08/2014 17:14

God sorry, Fairynuff's advice, not Fairylea... sorry!

Jux · 23/08/2014 17:16

"... htat's how he may feel..." yes, I bet he does

So you have one person whose only job is, say, to put the bins out. You have another person who cooks, cleans, shops, washes up etc etc. Bin night comes and Person 2 is whirling around cooking, washing up, tidying etc. They say "have you put the bins out?". Person 1 hasn't but says they'll do it in a minute. They eat. Person 2 cleans up, washes up, starts tidying stuff away for the night, and says "have you put the bins out?". Person 1 says "stop nagging me".

Yes. Oh yes.

Does that sound familiar to anyone?

DaisyFlowerChain · 23/08/2014 17:17

He wanted to though and got no choice and very likely resents that fact that you don't work and have a full time childcare helper. Maybe he feels it's a waste when he could be home alone doing if. Don't underestimate the pressure of being forced to be the main earner.

If you plan to return, could you not do five days and he do the he two to keep his hand in?

Maybe some joint counselling to air everything and see if there is a way forward.

Fairenuff · 23/08/2014 17:20

The other thing to bear in mind OP, is that it would be perfectly normal and natural to discuss this in a relationship.

Why are you afraid to broach the subject with him? The more, you post, the more I think you have only scratched the surface of your problems.

Just so that you know, in a normal, loving relationship it is not normal for one person to threaten to punch the other in the face and then not discuss it afterwards, when everyone has calmed down.

To expect it to be forgotten, not talked about and 'got over' is extremely unhealthy. Tbh, if he refuses to discuss it I don't see why you should even try. It's exhausting for you.

If you can't summon the energy to do that, what about just making an appointment with a solicitor?

Imagine yourself in the position, it might be weeks from now, it might be months, but you have taken financial advice and legal advice, you have got some counselling for yourself, you have decided to make a better life for yourself.

In the meantime, he has done nothing, thinking that you have swept it all under the carpet.

Now the day has come, you tell him that you are want to separate. You know what to expect, you are completely ready.

What do you think he will do? Do you think then he would want to talk?

Or do you think he will accept that it is over without any further discussion?

Gruntfuttock · 23/08/2014 17:25

His parents' marriage may have left him thinking talking = blaming = rowing, so he avoids talking because he doesn't want it to escalate. Keeping things to himself, though, will have taken its toll. If he doesn't feel it's 'safe' to talk he won't.

Gruntfuttock · 23/08/2014 17:28

Sorry, I should clarify. I know that his parents don't talk to each other at all now, but in the past there must have been arguments. Oh I don't bloody know. I think I'll shut up now and go and do some lovely washing-up.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 23/08/2014 17:30

I think your husband sounds like quite hard work tbh. Ignoring your child's food intolerance, nap-time and of course the shoe incident. He sounds half switched-off /shows little respect for your thinking/child rearing.

I am honestly not surprised you think you nag. I would want to bang my head against a brick wall.

I am NOT making excuses for his vile behaviour to you and your girls yesterday, but I wonder if because you are so good at your job - ie. getting everything packed, he just turns off, because he knows you will do all the donkey work.

We all have different tolerances and also different levels of love, but personally for me this would be a complete deal breaker.

Do you think there's a possibility that something much deeper is wrong with him?

Also, ignoring you today is absolutely wrong. He should be very worried and trying to make things up to you. Not the other way round. ;-(

placidjoy123 · 23/08/2014 17:39

@kaykayblue
*Wow. Just wow.

Sometimes when people get angry or frustrated, they shout at the other person. THEY DON'T PHYSICALLY THREATEN THEM.

Jesus wept.*

When my mum used to get to the end of her tether.. and I mean really at the end of her tether she used to scream " I am going to SKIN YOU ALIVE!!!".

This used to happen only occasionally. But it became more frequent as I got into my particularly challenging and utterly obnoxious teenage years.

Now I know this is going to come as a shock to you...so please do make sure you're sitting down before you go on reading....

But she never did actually skin me alive!! I know!! I know!!

Shocking isn't it? It was just words. Just words said as an expression of utter impatience / desperation.

If I could have her back for just one day today, the very first thing I would do is apologise to her for pushing her to wit's end. I take full personal responsibility for what happened. Even though she threatened me physically - I can still hear the love in her voice and I ask her forgiveness if she is looking down on me now. I hope she is.

No doubt I will now get a total arse-kicking for being a "victim-blamer".

But I am telling my own story here. Just to keep things in perspective.

No doubt if MN and you had been around back then - you would have advocated having her reported to the social services and me put in care and totally ruining two lives.

frostyfingers · 23/08/2014 17:39

I think you should go through all your posts on this thread, picking out the comments you've made eg: I love him. That I'm sorry if I nag too much. That he and the girls are my entire world. That I don't want to end up like his parents, where we exist for 20 years with no verbal or physical contact. I don't want our DC to think that's the norm., make notes and write a letter.

Spell out to him (and for yourself) what the marriage means to you, how you are aware that you want/need to work on things, what he means to you etc. When my DH and I were having a bad patch on and off for a year or two every discussion we tried to have ended in a row, and we decided to write down our feelings about what was happening and why we thought it was happening - it's much easier to digest and although a bit long winded certainly helped us see it through.

placidjoy123 · 23/08/2014 17:41