Shocked at H's outburst

[Alwaysalone]

Name changed..

Yesterday, as we're driving away for our annual weekend away (our only holiday every year), with DC (aged 1 and 3) in the car, H and I had an argument. It was over something silly (H had strapped in DC without putting her shoes on, and I hadn't packed any spare). I blamed him for it. Then, very placid, extremely kind H (who has never shouted at me in the 7 years we've been married), told me to 'shut the fuck up' or he'd 'punch my face in'. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.. After crying the remaining journey (me, and the kids), he drive us back home and unpacked his bag only, then went up to bed. When I attempted to discuss what he said in the car, he ignored me. When I enquired how we move on from this, he said 'we don't'. When I enquired what he meant, he said 'go figure'..

I slept in the spare room last night. I just don't know what to think. I don't know why he's being like this. He told me once a few years ago that I moan at him too much (which I accept, I have 2 young girls who are a real handful), but however much I nag, how does that justify what he said to me? In front of our children too... My heart is literally broken.. It's like there is no moderation in his behaviour. He's either silent, or he over exaggerates at the smallest thing. He has NEVER threatened violence before. Once, 3 years ago when we had another row (again, over something small), he told me he'd had enough and wanted a divorce. He then apologised to me (rare), and said he didn't mean it. Can someone help me make sense of this? Was it my fault? What should I do? I'm just devastated.

He has a good job, excellent provider, great dad and generally, very good Husband. I just don't know if I can forget what he said to me. He called me melodramatic last night too.. Am I being melodramatic? I know it's ridiculous to think about it, but my mum is seriously ill with a heart condition, and I don't want to add to her problems (she is usually who I turn to in times of problems)..

Please help.

The actual circumstances strike me as very controlling indeed

It's all about his reaction IMHO now as far as your response goes. No reaction, apology, contrition? That is really concerning. I think I would suggest a break from each other if I were you.

Oh FFS! I'm giving up. The determination to demonise this man, suggest Women's Aid and call him an abuser is so depressing and infuriating. If the genders were reversed in the OP it would still be the man that was being blamed and called an abuser - only in that case he would guilty of emotional abuse. It's one aspect of MN that I find absolutely sickening and so predictable.

His refusal to talk is controlling without a doubt. You can't just ignore your partner, that's not a relationship. He just withholds communication until she caves.

Can you imagine being in a relationship where you tell your partner that you're going to punch them in the face then refuse to discuss it further.

If anyone thinks that's normal, I can assure you, it's not.

I think that there are a lot of assumptions on both sides as neither is talking to the other. The OP thinks that DH doesn't love her but he has never actually said it. DH and others in RL feel that the OP bags when in fact she may or may not.

That is the first thing that needs to be resolved. - talk to each other either between yourselves or in counselling.

Goldfish - he stayed for the children. He's a good father, and couldn't bear to leave them. Or can't you love your kids if you have a penis instead of a vagina?

Nagging, jealousy, stonewalling, inability to control temper, communication problems, threats of violance, maybe you can learn to live with all these, but how are you going to make it work if he said the relationship is not moving on after the 'outburst'?

His refusal to talk is controlling without a doubt. You can't just ignore your partner, that's not a relationship. He just withholds communication until she caves.

He may not be talking at the moment for many reasons. Who knows? Who knows exactly what the OP or DH said in the car. Maybe he is just thinking about his behaviour?

Where in the thread has it been said that he withholds conversation until the OP caves? OP didn't cave over who should be the SAHP or that they should return from the holiday?

I agree with you Grunt!!! One livid outburst in 7 years does not make him an abuser, neither do I think he should be demonised but wouldn't you agree that a line has been crossed here and if he won't even talk about it and doesn't appear to consider his outburst worthy of an apology then that is not a good sign for their relationship?

I'm with you, Gruntfuttock.

Posters here seem to decide on the rights and wrongs based on the set of genitals possessed rather than the facts.

Misandry at it's finest - and just as shameful as misogyny.

I agree with GoldfishCrackers Sat 23-Aug-14 13:05:28

I do not think that you have done anything wrong whatsoever. I do not know enough about your relationship to suggest what you do now but I do know that there is a possibility that this will happen again and it might be worse next time.

Fairenuff "How is that relevant Grunt?"

You don't think there's a difference between someone who loses his temper every day and someone who has lost his temper once in 7 years? Well, IMO, the former would mean he's got a problem and needs to go on an anger management course, and the latter means he's a human being. The OP hasn't told us whether she kept on about the shoes for hours until he snapped or whether she mentioned it once and never again. That is also relevant. I imagine stress levels were already high, as the children were crying before this incident and it was a long car journey. I can't imagine never forgiving my husband if he did this once and vice versa. He has apologised, but he's still regarded my the vast majority on MN as some kind of monster from whom the OP needs protecting.

It's not the temper that's the concerning thing; it's the sulking! It's hard to move on with a sulker.

CromerSutra "he won't even talk about it and doesn't appear to consider his outburst worthy of an apology"

He has apologised! OP's post at 12.20.29.

HE THREATENED TO PUNCH HER IN THE FUCKING FACE!!

Christ, it's no wonder he thinks he's done bugger all wrong when so many people seem to agree with him.

Fuck's sake.

No he hasn't grunt that apology was from three years ago.

Grunt, the woman is always in the right on MN. One outburst in seven years compared to what seems to the DH and other adults in years of being nagged or moaned at.

It's a bit like the thread where the SAHD didn't do the washing up and is being crucified. Yes he should have as part of his role but when it's a woman who stays home MN seems she shouldn't be doing the housework but entertaining the child and the husband should start the dishes or cooking when he arrives home.

Where in the thread has it been said that he withholds conversation until the OP caves?

Several places, Earth

there is no moderation in his behaviour. He's either silent, or he over exaggerates at the smallest thing

he rarely talks about his feelings. He is the product of a really bad marriage (his parents are still married, live in the same house, but haven't talked in over 20 years)

He's not really into discussing emotions-I know if I made the coffee he would ignore me..

I talk TO H about my feelings, but he doesn't really talk to me about his. I don't know if emotionally repressive is the right term but I guess it is.

It's like there's no moderation in his emotions. He'll be incredibly passive, and won't say anything (in the middle of an argument), and then suddenly he'll just come out with the most insanely hurtful comment. No warning that his temper's starting to rise, or that's he's getting upset.

I just don't know how we come back from it. He's not talking to me.

I think the key thing is getting him to talk to me.

He won't go to a counsellor, I know. He thinks it's all mumbo jumbo.

How can we fix this if he won't talk to me?

I tell h what makes me happy/sad etc, and to his credit he listens. But, he never reciprocates.

I wasn't. But he felt I was. We haven't really discussed it since (he won't).

If I started a thread as a woman saying I threatened to punch my DP in the face and DP thought I was going to, and I don't think I have done anything wrong as I was very stressed, do you really think MNers will agree that I haven't done anything wrong?

I don't believe for a minute that this behavior would be minimised and excused if it was a woman who had done it.

Jengnr In that case I apologise.

:thumbs: :D

the woman is always in the right on MN

Have you ever read a thread started by an OW, or a woman trying to justify starting an affair? They are told in no uncertain times, usually 1000 times, that they are most certainly NOT right!

capant Did you just claim that there's an anti-women bias on MN?

Have another with a on top!

Anyone who thinks the woman is always right on MN, hasn't been reading many threads.

Did you just claim that there's an anti-women bias on MN?

Huh? Where did she say that?