twatty things I don't miss about my ex...

[confusedNC]

Some of us need reminding what we're not missing and also need cheering up. So I'll start...

1. Making his feckin packed lunch every day, even when I'd been up all night with ds because it was 'the least I could do' apparently. Oh and having to think of inventive healthy options cos you were overweight but then you did have a car full of choc wrappers and crisp packets.

Insert your own here.....

I actually feel ill.
These men are repulsive.
I can't believe that some posters actually stayed with these men

Can we please not start victim blaming? It's pretty clear that many of these situations could/should be classed as domestic abuse.

Rather than asking the question why did women stay with these men, let's ask why the men felt entitled to behave in that way.

Refusing to change his towels and bed sheets for months at a time

Mansplaining, including things I was an expert on for work and he worked completely different field - and what he was saying was wrong

Openly eyeing up other women in my presence

Playing stupid immature mind games

Telling me when I met him his house was disgusting because he didn't have a woman to clear it up

Being silent for long periods of time

Having weird, antisocial and criminal friends

Telling me - with no irony - he was better than me because he came from a higher social class

Refusing to tip. If other people tipped at our table he would remove their tips from the table and keep the cash himself. This despite being a higher rate tax payer.

Telling me he couldn't wait for his dad to die so he could inherit his property portfolio

Insisting on claiming receipts back on every social meal out for his tax return - including meals he hadn't even paid for

Going canoeing all the time and fighting with everyone in his canoe club. Insisting on making canoeing a major part of every holiday

His weird political views

Complaining about me spending my own money on anything he considered to be a luxury - ie wearing any clothes other than 15 year old jumpers from bhs and t shirts he picked up from conferences

Complaining all the time about how hard done by he was cos his ex fiancée had cheated on him - then having an affair himself after we were married and had a child!

In my case I didn't have children with him thank god, the kids I refer to are my daughter and his son from previous relationships. I married him because I genuinely thought that the way he behaved was ok, in fact, I thought he was quite good to me, partly because he told me he was (I spoil you, giving you lifts to work and the supermarket etc) partly because I'd been told all my life by family and school bullies that I was worthless, and almost totally because my DDs father was extremely violent towards me from the moment she was born (but never before) twat ex never ever lifted a finger to me (threatened to though, as he knew it would scare me into silence) and for that reason, I actually thought what he was doing was ok.

flippinada, excellently put.

The way his lungs kept filling with air. Drove me mad

AND THAT!!!

NickIt1988

Amusing? Which bit?

And don't be silly, of course these men weren't wankers initially otherwise the posters wouldn't have gone out with them!

I don't want to get all defensive - this fred started off light-hearted.

And I didn't take it as victim blaming. How many times I've wondered how I didn't see it before?!? I think if we analyse how we learned the hard way, others might learn the easier way.

Can we please not start victim blaming? It's pretty clear that many of these situations could/should be classed as domestic abuse.

100% agree.

Some women have truly survived. Now they can laugh/'talk' about it. There was a time they had no idea it was abnormal. You can only be in one marriage/relationship of that intensity at a time - you've nothing to make you understand it's completely fucked up.

The future is a very scary place sometimes, especially if you're in an abusive relationship: all your energy is focused on surviving the present. Let's not give women shit for the past. They've had enough already.

Going to ignore the victim blaming towards the end...
I have to ask - what the fuck does "split arse" mean?! It sounds foul!

"Let's not give women shit for the past. They've had enough already."

Thanks, this is where I'm coming from. Too often the whole discussion around DA is framed as 'why didn't she leave' and not 'why did he behave in that awful way'. It shifts the responsibility away from the abuser.

Anyway, I appreciate this thread was started as place to laugh/vent/share with like minded folk about what's happened and I don't want to spoil that so will leave it there. Please carry on :).

The amount of fast food we bought.
How booze disappeared at lightning speed.
Not showering enough.
The soap operas I ended up watching.
His bad moods.
Having to depend on his rides to the station, even though he was often late collecting, and when he could easily have walked DS to school.

But mostly his lack of respect and boundaries, particularly his groping, coupled with lack of affection.

Groping seems to be a common feature. I really, really hated it. When I complained about it I'd get told that he's a very physical person and I should just get used to it. This was also used to justify other dodgy behaviour like 'tickle fights' .

Oh, how he would just be in a mood instead of preparing dinner, telling me he didn't feel like having one (what about DS???), then eating whatever I prepared.

Yes, play fights would always end up in groping.

...the bizarre and completely untrue conversations he would insist I had had with other people e.g. Apparently I had talked about the merits of spiral roundabouts for half an hour with his friend A at the party the previous night. (I'm still not sure what one is, and A doesn't drive.)

He's not actually my ex (yet) but I can think of one thing in particular that I'm looking forward to when I escape.

Him telling me I can never have the crusts of the bread loaf (my fave slices) as the bread will go off quicker. I haven't had the crusts of a loaf in 10 years.

Reading my list back I'm struck by how much the behaviour did escalate when I was pregnant and after I'd given birth.

I'd left him before then went back and foolishly got pregnant (although I can't wish my lovely DS away). Looking back, it's obvious that he thought I was trapped and he could behave how he liked - we eventually split for good when DS was 18 months old. He went off with OW, who he's now married to.

At the time it was awful but now I just feel a combination of relieved/grateful and sorry for her. They're married with two kids now and I imagine he's refined his technique.

Putting wine into everything he cooked so he could polish off the other 3/4 of the bottle, then claiming "it all went in the sauce"
Drinking secretly all day and claiming he hadn't touched a drop - I can SMELL it all over you, you twat.
Hiding empty can behind the bed.
Sitting on his arse all day reading Reddit, then recounting it all to me in precise, minute detail when I got home from work.
Claiming to be a feminist (because he visited Greenham Common in his youth) yet calling me a cunt, belittling my achievements and using me as a cash machine.
As I was getting ready to go the theatre, waving his cock in my face, saying "sort that out"... I declined and went alone whilst he stayed at home with his poor rejected hard on. Aw.
The seemingly common repeated anecdotes that got exaggerated and fantastically embellished with every telling.
He was the biggest drama queen ever, especially about illness - a tooth infection was cancer (it wasn't), sore throat was mumps, and so...

Ah, that's better!

Exp - skiddy boxers hidden in the wardrobe, the fact he stunk of wee, the daily reminders I would look better with brown hair, sulking over anything and everything like a small child, threating to jump out of the car or off the Balcony after a row, his gout (more his refusal to do anything about it, his one position sex.

There are lots more

Just to be clear I wasnt victim blaming at all. These men sound like cunts, I just wanted to get an understanding as to why you would be with them (which is probably for another thread really).

Excuse my ignorance on the matter, as highlighted in a couple of replies regarding abuse at a younger age etc.

With regard to the person who asked what part I found amusing, the post about the man in question reading out an entire order (singing it too). I find none of the abusive aspects amusing of course.

I commend you all for putting up with those twats for as long as you did.

Enough from me anyway.

Hi telling me my mother says he is too good for me.

Him saying no one else will ever want me.

His constant hogging of the remote and if I ever did watch something constant sarky comments of how crap said programme was.

laughing at me when I had pnd.

never once doing a night feed with our baby- yet acting as if he was father of the year.
Snoring that would drive you insane .

daily drinking (excacerbating snoring)
Saying I was a nag when asking him to cut down the drinking- on a bottle of wine plus a day every day throughout our six year relationship at very least. I was overeacting as ex didnt see it as a problem.

Referring to me as a hoar, cunt and a split -arse.
What a gent..
)

Oh, how he managed to pick up fights and be demanding of my time when I had a deadline, but mostly ignoring me the rest of the time.