twatty things I don't miss about my ex...

[confusedNC]

Some of us need reminding what we're not missing and also need cheering up. So I'll start...

1. Making his feckin packed lunch every day, even when I'd been up all night with ds because it was 'the least I could do' apparently. Oh and having to think of inventive healthy options cos you were overweight but then you did have a car full of choc wrappers and crisp packets.

Insert your own here.....

Well, this thread has very effectively distracted me from hanging out the washing. Have been alternating between snorts of laughter and silent screams punctuated by occasional retching.

So, what do I not miss about my exh? The constant, incessant self-pity. "But it's not my fault I've lost another job", "No-one has ever recognised my potential", "I've never been lucky enough to have those opportunities" blah blah blah.

The one that is branded on my brain, however, was his example of my "unreasonable behaviour" when he divorced me (he got legal aid due to being unemployed...again...):

"She didn't understand the level of my grief when our daughter died."

Fellow mumsnetters, I kid you not.

That is dreadful, YvyB - what a thing to write in a divorce papers. That takes self-absorption to a completely unfathomable level.

It is so very sad your daughter died. It's awful that happened to you.

It's a corker, isn't it? And it was written totally without irony!

To be fair, he had a point: to this day, I STILL don't understand how "grief" drove him to buy a second mobile behind my back, open another credit card and register it to my address and embark on a relationship with an 18 year old he met in an internet chatroom... :S

Anyhoo, twas a long time ago and happily he's someone else's problem now!

Thankyou for the flowers, WWK - yes, it was sad and I miss her every day but she wasn't in pain and wasn't frightened and I always think how much harder it must be to know that your dc died alone or in traumatic circumstances. If it's in your stars to lose a dc, it was the best way of losing one IYSWIM. I count myself very, very fortunate for that.

YvyB that is absolutely dreadful. I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter, what an absolutely despicable piece of work he is.

.

On the plus, his divorce petition (which also included the tragic complaint "she failed to spend any quality time with me" - er, no, that would be because you were out of work again so I had to carry out my full time job, plus a bit more to compensate for your lack of earnings, plus massage your ego by reassuring you that I didnt see you as any less of a man for repeatedly failing to contribute to your family. My only "quality time" that year was when I managed to fit in a quick wee...) made me realise very quickly that the only thing I was losing was about 10 stone of dead weight :D

YvyB I'm so sorry x

Every time he walked into a room where I was sat, he'd inhale deeply then ask me if I'd farted.

He'd ask me to get off the sofa so he could lie down

Eurghh what an idiot

De lurking to add my list of what I definitely don't miss!

The going out for one pint, but then coming back in at a ridiculous time in the morning and waking me up on purpose to tell me how much of a cunt I am, rubbish house wife ect and I pushed him to do this -every weekend! Also threatening to wake our then newborn up if I refused to sit up and listen the the name calling.

The time I was in hospital miscarrying, was constantly going out for fags / use his phone and moan he was bored... Then moaned when the consultant advised me to stay at least another hour in hospital after miscarrying just in case, because he was hungry and wanted to go.... Also how he made me get up for our child the next morning because he was tired (when I was advised not to lift her) and then had a week off work but instead of helping me wen out everyday with friends!

Groping me, when he knew I didn't like it so would call me names

Making deals to have sex for example he would do this if we had sex... And he never did do what he said he would!

Always going through my phone

Calling me a slut when I wore a pair of heels (not particularly high but were nice and smart) to a family members funeral... I was wearing trousers shirt and blazer so I didn't look at all slutty

Hated it if I ever took a photo of myself to put on Facebook

Would make me feel very insecure if I went out with friends... Again telling me a looked like a slag. I didn't.

Calling dc2 horrid names when he was misbehaving. I'm very ashamed of myself for not leaving just on that basis, don't think I'll ever forgive myself for letting him get away with that.

And the punching holes in nearly every door in the house.
There are more but this is a long enough post for now!

Just remembered some about a guy I had a short (two year) relationship with. When out, if he saw a gay couple, he'd make loud, horrible, insulting remarks about them, making sure they could hear. I used to be so embarrassed. Of course, had he done that now, he'd have been prosecuted.

Being an absolute twat when we were visiting a tourist place in a Mediterranean country, and saw the singer Charles Aznavour walking towards us. Twat got in his face and demanded poor Aznavour posed for a photo with him. Twat whined and pleased, Aznavour shrugged resignedly and agreed, and I, mortified, took the photo, at the same time telling Aznavour, in French, that twat was a grade A, First Class, f awful git. Twat didn't speak or understand French.

When, after two years, I threw twat out - involving an 'exciting' night involving two Police cars, ambulance and six police, plus knife (mine, but no blood spilled, unfortunately) twat ran around stalking me and making up all sorts of ludicrous lies about me. 'Best' one was that when my beloved husband had died six years previously, after just one hour of illness, but died before ambulance and doctor arrived (we lived up in the snowy Pyrenees mountains), I apparently went on to have a 'torrid affair' with the handsome Spanish hunk of a doctor who'd attended the emergency and pronounced my husband dead.

Um ... the attending doctor was a young lady and I never saw her again after that night! But then twat was a complete fantasist Still hurtful, though.

I am literally crying with laughter reading this thread. I fucking LOVE mumset!

You women are brilliant. I know these things weren't necessarily funny at the time you were having to live with the arseholes, but reading the thread now, and knowing most of you are now free of that situation, it is an absolute joy.

I could write my own list of twatty things I don't miss - but you've pretty much covered all the bases here and there's not much I could add.

I said we were all married to one cloned man- recycled over the years- total sleazeballs, the whole lot of them.

And the best bit frogmore is NEVER AGAIN.

Marriage has been an enlightening experience for sure but never, ever again is a twat taking control over my life.

I know how to spot them now!

Ditto!

Shouting at me whilst on holiday that I was a waste of space as I 'couldnt even have children' (we had been trying for a while - God knows why, our relationship was on its knees by then). Well, guess what, arsehole - after we split up I met a lovely man and went on to have our two sons within three years. Go figure.

Him sitting in front of the Xbox or football all day and throwing tantrums if dd tried to get his attention. His business collapsed and decided not to work so he was always there.

Not being able to have visitors because he was always squatting in front of the television, chasing me around the house trying to pick a fight, he had the house in a constant mess despite me spending hours every day cleaning, I wasn't allowed to throw out his clutter and he had half of the doors broken in from where I'd locked myself to try to get away from him.

Being in constant debt because of his drug addiction and throwing money away on every electronic gadget going. The bills weren't paid, utilities cut off, every penny I had went on food for dd and despite me having practical nothing to survive on,he'd still try to guilt every last penny from me.

Having to sit outside even in the worst weathers to get away from him, I had no car on the road because he had me in so much debt, no money to go anywhere, was isolated from everyone but couldn't go home because of his temper. I had to stay out for most of the day, every day, with dd to 'give him a break'. All he'll would break loose if I didn't give him enough time.

The terror of a knocked door; I never knew who was on the other side, drug dealers, debt collectors, utilities to be cut off, estate agent looking for unpaid rent.....

His hideous family, ugh...

Being constantly put down and abused in front of dd. Being pushed around, yelled at, followed around the house until he had me screaming at him to just get away from me. Every single day.

The constant fear of something setting him off, usually dd crying or looking for his attention.

His obsession with sending dd off to his awful family, they have no lives so I was expected to hand her over to entertain them. Every day. There was hell to pay when I didn't.

Constant threats which eventually lead to a couple of proper beatings, I left after the second one.

Within a month of leaving him I looked ten years younger, now I'm starting to look and feel like my old self again. I'm so lucky to have gotten away from him, I don't miss him at all. It's like being on a permanent holiday. I can't believe that I didn't even realise how bad it was and how abnormal he was for so long.

It's been very hard financially to get another home and to try to get back on my feet but I've been fortunate with help and I'm finally free. A dickhead free life

So many of them!
I think we need to develop a sort of warning signal, like an ankle tag sort of thing, or maybe a microchip... oh, and a scanner to read it. The night before we send them packing, we should 'accidently on purpose' bump in to them, thereby discreetly attaching the tag (between shoulder blades, perhaps). We can then wave them cheerily off knowing that the next woman unfortunate enough to encounter him just needs to wave her scanner in the required area (I'm thinking, disguise scanner as watch, she then goes to "brush some dust off his shirt")and if the scanner responds, she knows to make a hasty exit.

Im thinking Dragon's Den with this one... it could make a fortune!

Yvyb, like it. I'm going with more analogue approach. If I'm ever brave/mental enough to get another bloke, I'm signing friends up to be on the interview panel. I'm obviously shit at picking :( new bloke needs to have one heck of a personality, a decent job and just be flipping all round amazing for me to even consider it, and not sure such bloke would want an over 40, single parent quite frankly. Bah humbug

Goodness, Flyaway, what a bastard! Well
Done for escaping.

Posting in anticipation, his crass arrogance, his appalling sense of humour, his feet, his hairy back, his slopy shoulders. His awful dress sense. Telling me off in front of dds. His stubbornness. His disloyalty. His lack of culture and table manners.

Flyaway, that sounds terrifying. You will have so much more energy for life now that you're not channelling it all into surviving that!

And the poo in the bed story!

his coffee-stained teeth, which he only brushed if we were seeing people who mattered
the way he flirted with our friends and ignored me (but friends told me we made a great couple and he was a sweetie, really)
his aggressive driving
his total belief in his own superiority
the way all conversations had to revolve around him
the time I had been ill in hospital for days and he thoughtfully asked me my opinion on whether he should take up his colleague's offer of sex
the time I drove him to hospital because he was seriously ill and he only criticised my driving twice - that was how I knew how seriously ill he was!
little piles of paper left all over the place, which I could never tidy away because he wouldn't know where to find them
dirty clothes left lying around
the wardrobe doors which he never, ever closed. Too busy, too important, you see.
He wet the bed once. And I was in it.
When I had bad morning sickness with DC4 (and 3 small DCs already to look after), he told me I'd have to clear up after myself, because it made him feel queasy.
smoking. He would cover himself with aftershave after a cigarette and be totally clueless that I could smell the smoke from across the house.
the way nothing I said ever stuck in his mind. He said to me once, "I just don't think about you often. It doesn't mean I don't love you." That was when he was doing his last-ditch attempt to save the marriage. :o

Actually, I can't remember not making it to the toilet with the morning sickness. I wonder if it was actually a DC with a tummy bug I'm remembering. It was about the same time that I took him up on his suggestion to call him home from work if I needed him. He didn't come home earlier than usual and he made certain I knew how weak he thought I was. Iyswim - that was a very convoluted sentence! I must go to bed... but I agree with PP that this has been very cathartic!

In answer to Nick upthread who said how "stereotypical" this behaviour is, I think that is a very important point. Why is it stereotypical? Because we see it all the time, in all sorts of media, in jokes, in adverts, in soaps, in crass banter. So in the abuser's mind, what he is doing is normal and socially acceptable. And in the survivor's mind, what she is going through is nothing out of the ordinary.

Informing me that he needed to meet up with his ex to have the type of "high-brow" conversation that I was incapable of. Perhaps that was because his concept of 'conversation' involved subjecting me to endless monologues on the titanic/medal collecting/other riveting topics of similar ilk. If I ever did try to interject he'd put his hand to my mouth to physically prevent me from talking.

Ringing said ex from my bed.

The 'cor blimey gov'nr' accent he'd adopt when speaking to taxi drivers /bar men/anyone he perceived to be of the "working classes".

Thank FUCK I did not reproduce with him or marry him, and that I instead left him in the university town I found him in, came home and met DH.

Thank fuck pie

He put his hand over your mouth, Pie?!!!
I am doubled up now! There are some frightenly delusional and self-absorbed men out there.

This is the bit that scares me though: I am the mother of a ds. How do I ensure that he never features on a mn thread in the future? I mean, what ON EARTH was our mothers' generation doing to have raised so many entitled, selfish boys? Seriously - could it have been because up until then there was a real threat of losing your male children in war so a tradition of treating them as precious has grown up? Only this generation didn't have to go to war so they survived to marry us instead?

I might well be ignorantly stereotyping now but in my experience it hasn't been the women who have wanted to split up family units, it's been the man who has decided "he's just not happy" so has swapped his dw and dcs for other woman/motorbike/drink/bodyboard/paintballing/whatever. So what do we do to try to make the next generation of 'dhs' less hedonistic and self-obsessed?

Yvyb I think it is something to do with not having responsibility as men at an early age. The men I know who are good husbands/fathers are in responsible jobs. My stbxh can't accept responsibility for anything.

His mother didn't mollycoddle him. Far from it. She's v selfish and has possibly been quite neglectful when he was a kid. What she has been and still is, is controlling. And guess what, he's become extremely controlling.