twatty things I don't miss about my ex...

[confusedNC]

Some of us need reminding what we're not missing and also need cheering up. So I'll start...

1. Making his feckin packed lunch every day, even when I'd been up all night with ds because it was 'the least I could do' apparently. Oh and having to think of inventive healthy options cos you were overweight but then you did have a car full of choc wrappers and crisp packets.

Insert your own here.....

His dress sense! When I met him he only wore straight legged jeans with a shirt and smart shoes.
Urgh, I sort of thought it was nice because we were out on dates etc but yknow then I realised it was all the time! Beach day? Yup.
I'm managed to get him into more casual footwear and t shirts but he still looked a twat really.

I've remembered another one. I'm a non smoker (so obviously the smoking generally too), but XH couldn't smoke properly. He held the cigarette wrong (almost between his finger nails), winced every time it went near his face and pulled his lips back over his teeth to put it in his mouth. He looked like a prat. But clearly thought he was the coolest thing ever. Years of smoking and he still looked like he was terrified of it at every puff. The Fonz he is not.

Er...do t think that poster realises we don't want out exes back!!! Your magical, mystical dr can bloody keep my ex where he is thanks.

Mike...waving your dick around, for any reason, is really not a good look. Take my advice, don't do it!!

The porn.
Debt.
His inability to brush his teeth.
Him moaning about his weight, but not doing anything about it. When I joined in to lose baby weight, his nastiness to me when I succeeded.
All the shouting (although I still get that, plus reports of it from the children)
His father's homophobia and racism.
His mother's anti-feminist rants.
His lack of sex drive.

Yeh mike. There's a drip, drip of resentment building there, take my word for it. Honestly it's not funny, ever, even when we are totally infatuated we are still thinking "WTF! Please stop!" Then as time goes by and we become less tolerant it's severely irritating, by the end we despise you for it and tell all our friends how unbearable it and you are. Then we post on here

I must admit I like the telly on even when I'm not watching it. I also like the radio on and listening from another room!

But yes, exes are such arseholes aren't they. I had one who managed to make me responsible for his entire life then blamed me when he wasn't happy.

Looking back, I can see that for some reason, he just wanted me to be in the wrong. Ie:

Him: oh ffs! There's no strawberry jam!

Me: here you go, I've just bought some.

Him. (After brief silence). But is there no marmalade?

He was literally unpleasable.

Tbf the telly thing is pretty minor .

I wouldn't have minded it being on all the bloody time if he wasn't unbearable in so many other ways - it was symptomatic of his general twattishness.

I've just remembered one of the worst things he did. I apologise in advance because it's pretty upsetting.

Once, when we had a row he picked up our lovely, gentle old cat by the neck and threw him on the sofa in front of me. Our cat wasn't injured but he was very frightened - and so was I.

He died of old age many years later but I've never forgotten that .

he also expected me to police the kids behaviour while i was driving. He didn't drive, so could have done it quite easily, but no.

saying he was babysitting when i went out - they were his own kids!

insisting on cooking Christmas dinner and then asking me every 5 seconds to check something

inviting his parents around late afternoon on Christmas Day and buying shiploads of food which they never wanted to eat - and neither did anyone else because he bought stuff nobody liked!

oh the casual racism and xenophobia, coupled with a (not so) healthy dose of homophobia and women-hating....it still amazes me that I somehow missed it for all those. I guess when you take those rose-tinted glasses off the blindness disappears. Wasted too many years with him but at least he left me alone in the end!

In fairness to the posters who have been asking why anyone would stay with partners exhibiting this kind of behaviour, I confess that I have had similar thoughts whilst reading this thread. Not because I am attributing any kind of blame to posters, but because those on this thread seem so aware of their partner's failings, not to mention strong, capable and independent, so it is hard to imagine them putting up with the treatment they have described.

However, it is clear from reading that this is precisely the problem with abusive relationships - you don't have to be the kind of person that an outsider might think of as a 'victim' or be a stereotypical doormat to be in one, or to allow the insidious creeping of poor behaviour to become 'normal'.

In terms of 'researching' domestic/emotional/relationship abuse - this thread has actually been more of an education than anything else I have ever read. NickiFury's post detailing the light-switch type transformation of her partner, for example, it something that I quite possible would never have heard about from 'traditional' sources. I wouldn't have countenanced the idea that someone could simply change the way they relate to someone in the way that she has written until I read her story.

I completely understand that it can feel like an attack or victim blaming to be asked 'why', but I really do think that this kind of forum is probably the most eye-opening way to learn from individuals who have actually been through it. Posters here can offer a unique insight into how relationships can descend like this and how sites like Mumsnet can actually provide a lifeline to those who are only just realising that they are 'putting up' with behaviour which is completely unacceptable and could be the thin end of the wedge.

I hope that my intentions in writing this post aren't misconstrued - I am not defending victim blaming, just trying to articulate how moving I have found some of the stories. Many women are overcoming incredible obstacles and providing better lives for themselves and their children to break free of relationships which are damaging them and I am impressed, inspired and educated for having read this thread.

Oh, the cat.
The way he started torturing the poor kitten, who then proceeded to pee on him to be freed and acted aggressively towards him (the gentlest of cats, honest). It was actually then that I realised that he was a proper twat (I compared him in my mind to what is said about serious killers) and intrinsically bad and it wasn't me.
He actually asked me if I'd divorce him over the cat and I said I might.

About not leaving, there's also hope that it will get better, it's just a phase or there's an excuse. Or we blame ourselves. Or it's not that bad compared with the possible consequences.
Or we don't see ourselves as abused, really. We are so strong in many ways. We can give back as much as we take.
In other cases, there are social pressures.
There are many factors.

Dear Toad,

I note that you have still not found a replacement private secretary. May be your solicitor will show you how to use online banking and how to print off your statements and even how to operate kitchen appliances, in due course. Meanwhile why don't you take a deep breath, go to the post office and redirect your post. I am sure they will help you to fill out the form.

Oh and for the avoidance of doubt, the items I bought with my salary belong to me. Not to you. Even if you paid my salary. I believe slavery is illegal in the UK.

Your always reasonable and competent ex fiancee (cannot find the accent).

"You see, your honour, Karen was my employee and I paid her salary. Therefore it was my money. I own everything she bought in the last 14 years and to be honest, I think I even own Karen. How is that controlling behaviour?"

I was 16 when I met my exDP, he was 26, I should have seen the warning signs then. I was with him for 5 years.

He desperatly wanted kids but to have them would have involved medical procedures and as I was only 16/17 didnt want kids for a few years. He tried all the time to grind me down and have kids with him - I never did

If we did have a child then he had already chosen the name, never mind that I hated it, that would have been what the child was to be called

As my parents lived 200 miles away I wasnt allowed to take the child to visit them until it was about 12

I was supposed to see a solicitior whilst pregnant to sign something to say that if we split up I would leave the child behind as "I could go on to have more kids"

And he wonders why we never had kids together

Constant mind games

he was addicted to watching porn

Hurt me a few times when "play fighting", he would get aggressive and really hurt me under the guise of "playing"

Constant searching my handbag and diary to try and catch me out

I had no privacy at all, he had to know everything

I hate onions, I had a kebab whilst really drunk that had a few onions in it and I ate them (was really drunk) and said "onions are not that bad" the next night he cooked a meal laced with onions and when i protested reminded me about my drunken statement with a really smug look on his face

Would accuse me of things to try and catch me out

No wonder I ran for the bloody hills. Weirdly he sent me a friends request on facebook - after not having any contact for nearly 20 years, I did accept it but have him locked down on my permissions so he cant see anything much. I am going to unfriend him as I really dont like him as a person

If I had met him today as my stronger self we wouldnt have lasted 5 months never mind 5 years.

it was like he met a young, vibrant, happy, spirited person and wanted to crush the life and spirit out of her. He tried all the usual crap when i left - Nobody will ever love you like I do, I will kill myself. He did actually swallow a load of pills when I was leaving, I called an ambulance then walked to my car and drove off. Never clapped eyes on him since.

Karen,had you intended to put that in the "Dear STBX" fred?

Anyhoo, if you're o. a laptop, the acute accent on an e is generally Alt+130 (on the Numberpad). On a[n Android] phone, press&hold the base letter usually gets you the alternative letters. Seé?

Apologies for the hijack from Geeky Stuff...

Pedant (how appropriate) you are right. We cannot put random posts into any odd thread, it would be utter chaos round here.

No, actually, I did not want to continuously hijack WWK's thread and I did not find any other appropriate thread to post this in, but I was just so about the latest fuckwittery popping into my email on behalf of Toad that I just had to post somewhere and since my post definitely falls into the category "fuckwittery" I thought this would be the most appropriate thread for my outburst.

Also, he is already my ex, not my stbextoad.

Being forced to drive him round when I had my wrist in plaster (he'd broken it for me because I made a hash of his dinner) because he had dislocated his shoulder in a pub brawl.

DD2 was 10 weeks old at the time.

I like to call this Top Twunts!

Gas Lighting, sulking if he didn't get sex, sulking if he didn't get his own way on just about anything. When my kids were really young / ill he wouldn't talk to me, picking his nose while driving and wiping the 'treasure' in his car, leaving the loo in a disgusting state.

I like "Top Twunts" .

Thank you for your thoughtful post DoJo. You don't come across as victim blaming.

Also liking TopTwunts. Very apt :)

I had forgotten that mine used to do sulking if he didn't get sex, which he thought he was entitled to on tap, in fact he actually said this. If I wasn't in the mood then he would be so foul that I'd end up giving in because I couldn't bear the atmosphere he created.

I also lost count of the number of times I woke up to find him trying to have sex with me and having to push him off. He claimed to be doing it in his sleep .

Oh, the sulking.

And the time he actually blocked the loo. Guess who unblocked it?

And the time he was passed out when I got home, while the shop delivery man was ringing the bell and I was phoning the house. While caring for DS, who was also asleep on the other sofa. And had thrown up on the sofa. These days I do wonder if that was a drug/alcohol overdose gone lucky or a botched suicide attempt. I really should have left him that day. And guess who had to clean the sofa?

Lweji I've noticed this before, how they all seem to be acting out some weird, secret abusive script, because the behaviours described on here are so similar.

I know it's possible that some of them might be the same man but its highly unlikely.