My dad and strange relationship with teenage girl

[Gramparsons]

I have name changed for this as it is embarrassing and disturbing and I really don't want to be outed.

In the past few months my dad has befriended a 14 year old girl who lives next door to my brother and nephews. She started tagging along when he was taking them to football training and for dinner after and she now has his number and she calls him to run her here there and everywhere. He thinks this is hilarious. The reaction in the family has gone from eye rolling, to bewilderment and now anger that he will not see sense. My brother used to give her lifts but stopped because people were calling him a pervert.

She phones him up to take her to the takeaway, pick her up from her friends house etc. and a while back he was late meeting me and my mum because she phoned him for a lift into town then when he was going she said 'oh are you not waiting to drop me off home'. She recently called him from a friends house where she had started an argument and she jumped in the car and shouted at him to drive, she rolls down his window and shouts at people, takes his camera to take pictures of herself and he thinks it is all funny.

He is an incredibly stubborn character and says he will not be told what to do. There is nothing going on, nothing wrong. He doesn't care if people are talking about him, he will not change his behaviour for other people. To some extent it's an admirable character trait but for fucks sake, he doesn't get what effect this is having on any body. My mum is embarrassed in case people are talking about her and scared that this girl may accuse my dad of something and it looks pretty much like he is grooming her doesn't it? He is driving her round buying her food (and knowing my dad and how he is generous with his money he will be giving her handouts like he does everybody). He has accused my mum of being jealous, she is angry at the position he is putting her in.

A couple of weeks ago she phoned and asked him to take her to McDonalds and that she had a 'massive favour' to ask him. She wanted him to take her shopping to a city about 3 hours away from us. He has gone today at the crack of dawn. He has now denied she asked, he said she told him she had been arguing with her boyfriend and he said she needed retail therapy. I honestly don't know what is worse. I don't believe there is anything going on, but I am aware it doesn't look that way. She could accuse him so easily. My other brother has said if he is accused of anything he will not be seeing his granddaughter, will not be able to take his grandson's to football. I agree.

My mum is distraught, she says she can barely bring herself to speak to him, she spent last night at my brother's house and had been sleeping in the spare room. I have sent him a text saying I am so angry he is completely disregarding my mum's feelings like this, and he should stop paying for things and see how long it takes her to lose interest. He should be taking his own grandchildren on trips like this, not a pushy hard faced girl he hardly knows. I have a choppy history with him and this is pushing me to the limit. I have had periods of no contact with him but we have grown close since the birth of my first baby.

I don't know what I think is going on. I know he likes to be useful, he goes out of his way to give lifts/run errands for anybody but this is not innocent to me. I don't think she has any interest in him but she is out for what she can get because he is a soft touch. It is making my skin crawl to think about them. I don't know what I want from writing this :((.

rb32 my dad would never have let me have this type of 'friendship' with a man when I was that age. I would never countenance letting my child ring somebody up for lifts and letting them go off on trips. It might be sad but this is the world we live in. I would have no problem letting my child converse with and be friends with an older man, but within the confines of a family get together, a group setting etc. not on their own being driven to the local takeaway. It would make me very uncomfortable, that is maybe sad and a shame but there you go. They're not discussing a love of poetry, or what is happening on Coronation Street, they seem to be discussing her relationship with her boyfriend.

If it were my child I would be setting clear boundaries, if it were me befriending a youngster I would be very aware of how it would look to the outside world.

On the subject of 'saving her'
If he really was, she would be part of the whole family and taught not to disrespect the other members...he is not saving her.

He is the next crap thing to happen in her short and already crap life- though she doesn't know this...and thinks she's getting something out of it.

People who care don't behave like this.

Get on to SS.

What jackydanny said. In a nutshell.

Gramparsons - you're right and I'm just being devils advocate here. It is sad this is how people now think that an old man and a child can't just have a platonic friendship with no ulterior motives.

I'm not sure if there's much you can do tho apart from hope that one or the other gets bored and they stop doing so much together. Support your mum as she's upset but don't just block your dad out completely, give him the benefit of the doubt I guess.

rb32 we don't want him to spread his time out more fairly, we want him to cut contact with this girl. Yes, we are embarrassed, yes, we are scared his grandsons will have to hear their grandad being called a weirdo and a pervert. But we would be utterly devastated if he were to be accused.

JustTheRightBullets at the moment I don't think any of us think there is abuse going on. But yes there could be and it is the ideal setting for abuse. Him offering trips and money, taking her far from home.

If it were me and I felt uncomfortable, that somebody may have sexual motives towards me I would stop calling him, stop asking him for things. But I had a stable upbringing so I understand things might look different from where she is.

Nobody believes if of their family member until it happens do they? Nobody thinks their loved one is capable of it.

OP... I guess it comes down to what you and your family are prepared to do. I think as the 3 hour trip happened yesterday(?) then that really is the crunch.

You need to take some action, find an advocate who will act for you. Whichever agency this is, it needs to be soon otherwise you will likely be posting a different thread in anguish. This is a child, a child who doesn't behave with normal boundaries of a 14 year old girl - and your father is an adult. He is behaving without any regard for anybody and he isn't going to stop until he is stopped.

I understand perfectly that this is a horrible shock for you but will you not be complicit if you do nothing?

Gramparsons (nice name), today talk to all the family and get their testimonies, and tonight, post them to all and sundry.

Your dad might blame you forever. But you might keep him out of court and you might save your family from shame. There's no point just thinking about it any longer, you're concerned because you know how it looks and it might be abuse. Do what you believe is the right thing.

It may, Just or it may just be an indication of a child who has not learned not to take money from people she doesn't know, not to ask for things from people she doesn't know, not to get in cars with people she doesn't know... basically, everything that's covered by normal parents.

There's no getting away from it, OP's dad is completely culpable. That said, the child is 14. That's not a little girl, that's someone nearing completion of high school. There should be a modicum of self-preservation there if nothing else.

We don't know that she's been abused or that her mum is feckless, do we? Only what dad has told OP...

The sooner OP refers this to somebody who can actually help, the better for all parties, particularly the child involved.

Thinking about the Year 9 and 10s I've taught (13-15 year olds), most would steer well clear of a very much older man. Year 11s or late teens are 'older' to them.

I don't know if there has been abuse in her background her boyfriend is older though (late teens) and her mum is feckless I have seen enough to know that. She drinks a lot, younger child fathered by a married man who has nothing to do with her (my SIL said she used him because she wanted a baby).

Just I meant as a 14 year old. I would have found it weird and creepy, laughed about it with my friends, not put myself on a vulnerable position. But you are right that is not her background.

I have put the number for SS in my phone, I want to talk to my mum first to see what his behaviour has been like since he got back. If he is apologetic which I doubt, if he will agree to stop seeing her.

I have no idea what to say? Obviously that it is a child protection issue, do I say I am his daughter? I have an address for her but not the house number (I think I know my brother's house number so can give that). I only think I know her surname and don't want to ask my brother in case he knows it is me.

I agree, when I was being groomed I thought it was great he was giving me all these things, that I could ask for sweets and he'd buy them me. I thought he was ok as he was the grandad of a friend at school (who was my age), I thought it was all ok as he lived a few doors for us. I had no idea it wasn't normal till he asked me to do 'things'. Luckily for me my mum (who had come from a. Toxic dysfunctional family) had taught us the birds and the bees at 6, we knew what was right and wrong and I knew straight away it was wrong so told someone.

She is probably thinking this is a great game (which it currently is) probably with no idea of where it could lead.

If my DH asked me to not do something because it was upsetting/embarrassing him I'd probably stop doing it or hold a reasonable conversation about it, not dig my heels in. Anything less is a total lack of respect.

That's it notapizzaeater he just doesn't seem to care the effect it is having on her. There is nothing to discuss as far as he is concerned. Thank you for sharing by the way, it is good to see it for. Your view.

They won't tell who has reported it though? The other thing is her mum knows but isn't bothered. I am hoping a visit from SS will make her sit up and take notice at least.

If she's street wise (which sounds like she is) the isn't a downside to her - she's getting attention (which she sounds lacking if her mum doesn't care), lifts everywhere, gifts bought/ money. At 14 she probably won't see a "down" side to any of it so won't be keen for the sugar daddy bit to stop. Your dad could actually be the one played for a fool here and be led a merry dance. Unfortunately for him the repercussions are sooooo much worse.

SS should deal with it without giving details away.

the grandfather/father figure I was friends with - it was actual friends. He taught me to love poetry, the sea, actually as well he taught me there could be a God (not everyone has a faith, but he gave me one). He liked teenagers, he liked me as a person - is it so strange that a 60 yo could like a 15 year old? don't grandparents like their grandchildren? And I think he wanted to help a troubled and lost teen that was living in a horrible home situation. Any improper thoughts were kept strictly under control. He did hug me, but decently, and it was lovely to have someone care enough to hug.

Just putting the other side. The friendship was real, as his daughter acknowledged at his funeral. Mind you now you mention it, his children must have had eyebrows raised to the ceiling about the friendship.

Having said that, again I totally agree that the way he's treating his wife here is awful. Its just that not every 60yo who is friends with a teen is a creep.

I really can't believe some of the shitty attitudes from people on this thread. She is a child, she might 14, she might be starting her GCSEs in a couple of months, she might also not be a particularly nice child or from a nice family, but she is a child. Gramparsons father is an adult who is acting in what can only be described as a very inappropriate fashion with a vulnerable child. If he has no ulterior motives, he would have ended it immediately it was pointed out to him.

Did Rochdale pass everyone by? Children who, because they weren't from nice middle class backgrounds were thought to have 'led their abusers on' or to be lying about it all.

'We believe you' but only if you come from a naice family and have always been perfect up until now

Called Social Services now. If there's nothing going on, then there's nothing to worry about, if there is, you will have saved a child from being further abused. It's a win win and you have no excuse not to.

Yep - this child's mum is not bothered because she doesn't mind the attention or money being spent on her daughter. She probably is thinking your dad - the mug - is doing her a favour by making her daughter 'out of the way'. Plus her moral compass (has she got any?) isn't really there so we know she's not going to do anything.

I am not sure SS or the police is going to do anything if no crime has been committed. Can anyone in the know comment on this?

Your dad has total lack of respect for your mum and the rest of the family. It could be down to this girl or down to some other issue. Can you hold a family meeting between you all (without your dad) and discuss your next steps? And once decided - confront your dad proper?

But I would agree to call social services - you can report anonymously if it helps.

I think you need to take all of the subjective stuff out of the equation - all the opinions of what she is like, all the opinions of what he is like (although, you do seem to be very clear-headed about his failings). Then, when you look at it objectively, it is 'just' a completely inappropriate relationship between an adult man and a teenage girl that needs to stop now.

And that's what you act on. Hopefully, not alone - the rest of your family need to step up to the plate as well.

When you do speak to someone about this, keep everything objective. You know it's wrong - there's some sort of wrong in there, we just don't know which kind - and you don't want your testimony/report to be judged by bringing in value-laden comments such as that she's 'hard.'

I absolutely agree with all posters saying you need to take this further, but your father is going to have to realise that, even if he does stop, it won't necessarily end there. She might not report any abuse now, but she has plenty of time to do so in the future.

this young girl sounds like she is enjoying the power she now has over her new sugar daddy and hes just so flattered and delighted by having a teenage girls company and attention that he wont give it up for anything.

Completely inappropriate

I would love nothing more for it to stop now. The fear is her living next door to my brother that there won't be an opportunity for it to just quietly die a death. Hopefully she will lose interest.

Meerka the man did have appropriate feelings for you which he admitted. I can see the same thing here. He may never have any intention to act on them but how are we to know?

CaptChaos unfortunately he has dug his heels in. Pointing out how strange it seems and how inappropriate it is has made him argue back there is nothing going on and he won't stop seeing her because anybody thinks it is wrong. In his mind it isn't, end of argument.