My dad and strange relationship with teenage girl

[Gramparsons]

I have name changed for this as it is embarrassing and disturbing and I really don't want to be outed.

In the past few months my dad has befriended a 14 year old girl who lives next door to my brother and nephews. She started tagging along when he was taking them to football training and for dinner after and she now has his number and she calls him to run her here there and everywhere. He thinks this is hilarious. The reaction in the family has gone from eye rolling, to bewilderment and now anger that he will not see sense. My brother used to give her lifts but stopped because people were calling him a pervert.

She phones him up to take her to the takeaway, pick her up from her friends house etc. and a while back he was late meeting me and my mum because she phoned him for a lift into town then when he was going she said 'oh are you not waiting to drop me off home'. She recently called him from a friends house where she had started an argument and she jumped in the car and shouted at him to drive, she rolls down his window and shouts at people, takes his camera to take pictures of herself and he thinks it is all funny.

He is an incredibly stubborn character and says he will not be told what to do. There is nothing going on, nothing wrong. He doesn't care if people are talking about him, he will not change his behaviour for other people. To some extent it's an admirable character trait but for fucks sake, he doesn't get what effect this is having on any body. My mum is embarrassed in case people are talking about her and scared that this girl may accuse my dad of something and it looks pretty much like he is grooming her doesn't it? He is driving her round buying her food (and knowing my dad and how he is generous with his money he will be giving her handouts like he does everybody). He has accused my mum of being jealous, she is angry at the position he is putting her in.

A couple of weeks ago she phoned and asked him to take her to McDonalds and that she had a 'massive favour' to ask him. She wanted him to take her shopping to a city about 3 hours away from us. He has gone today at the crack of dawn. He has now denied she asked, he said she told him she had been arguing with her boyfriend and he said she needed retail therapy. I honestly don't know what is worse. I don't believe there is anything going on, but I am aware it doesn't look that way. She could accuse him so easily. My other brother has said if he is accused of anything he will not be seeing his granddaughter, will not be able to take his grandson's to football. I agree.

My mum is distraught, she says she can barely bring herself to speak to him, she spent last night at my brother's house and had been sleeping in the spare room. I have sent him a text saying I am so angry he is completely disregarding my mum's feelings like this, and he should stop paying for things and see how long it takes her to lose interest. He should be taking his own grandchildren on trips like this, not a pushy hard faced girl he hardly knows. I have a choppy history with him and this is pushing me to the limit. I have had periods of no contact with him but we have grown close since the birth of my first baby.

I don't know what I think is going on. I know he likes to be useful, he goes out of his way to give lifts/run errands for anybody but this is not innocent to me. I don't think she has any interest in him but she is out for what she can get because he is a soft touch. It is making my skin crawl to think about them. I don't know what I want from writing this :((.

[SolidGoldBrass]

While I have no doubt at all that in the case of the OP's father, he's the one to blame (whether or not he is actually grooming this girl with sexual intentions - he is being hugely irresponsible and self-centred and feeding his ego at the expense of everyone around him) I think it is a mistake to behave as though no teenager ever could be capable of spite and dishonesty. Teenagers, male and female, can gang up on each other with horrific consequences. And it's not entirely beyond the bounds of possibility that teens in a gang might try to blackmail an adult by threatening to accuse that adult of sexual predation.

[Tipsykisses]

Yes of course there are teenagers who behave like that , I've met a few shining examples myself but it doesn't seem like the case here from what op has posted on this thread .
I just hope that it all stops ASAP so that no more pain is caused to the family & the girl gets some real support from somewhere .

[Deverethemuzzler]

How is offensive to state a truth?

As someone has pointed out, perpetuating myths is collusive.

twizzle why would living next door to Rochdale make you an expert? I know about the case, I have read the case reviews and others.

Why do you think this girl is any less vulnerable than the ones in Rochdale?

You can stamp your foot and rant about 'typical' responses all you like.

You are blaming this girl and letting the adult off the hook. 'Knowing their rights?' Oh please.

Teenage girls with no parental support are one of the most dis empowered sections of our society.

[Meerka]

I think almost all of the people on this thread need to stop thinking in black and white and to work out that people aren't black and white.

Some older men are paedophiles. Most aren't.

Some young teens are pretty unpleasant and manipulative. Most aren't.

Even if they are, the balance of experience and power lies with the adult and so the responsibility lies with them. But not all adults are streetwise, just as most teens aren't fully adult.

The brute black-and-white, even blinded, thinking on this thread has been truly terrifying. People seeing paedophiles in any older man who talks to a young female teen, people seeing all 14 year olds as without the beginnings of a sense of responsiblity. Some 14 year olds don't have a clue and absolutely need to be protected. Others are more savvy, though the responsibility still lies with the older person because they have far more experience - though it's funny how an 18 year old and a 66 year old can be held to have equal responsiblity while a 17 11/12 has none.

Some older people are practised manipulators, others are not savvy, specially the ones who came from a less aware age 70 years ago.

Life just isn't black and white, news.

Things don't fit into neat categories, just as not all young people join groups and not all group-leaders are decent. It might comfort you to think that but it isn't the case.

Most of these out-of-kilter beliefs have been fed by media hysteria. But a lot of people on this thread need to actually examine their beliefs, a lot of which are as black-and-white and prejudiced as saying that all homosexuals are paedophiles and all women are predatory. It isn't necessarily true. You can't tar everyone with the same brush. Demonizing - and this thread has demonized both older men -and- some teen girls - is seriously unhelpful.

It's a minority who seem to have addressed the problem that the OP is clear that grooming is unlikely to be happening and it's the treatment of the OP's mother is the greatest problem.

The OP's father is not contacting this girl, as far as all the evidence suggests. She's stated that the girl is contacting him, always. He didn't know anything about the pregnancy scare. He's being a fool and he's behaving badly towards his wife but the OP is clear that he's not coming onto the girl. Most of the posters here are treating him like a criminal and as if it's proven he's grooming her. That's assuming a very great deal.

[Meerka]

And although his wife is undoubtedly struggling, she is an adult and therefore although his behaviour to her is pretty shitty, it is unlikely that the long-term effects of this will damage her as much as they will damage the girl.

I ask this in all seriousness; not a joke, I hope not naive though many will think it: If there is NO sexual grooming, in what way is it damaging to the girl?

I can see the danger that she might think that older men are always kind and offering attention without strings. That is a danger and should be warned against. But seriously, can you give me the specifics of how else it is damaging? (if im missing something then Ill gladly learn). I just can't see that anything other than a sexual element is the problem.

Especially I can't see it if there is no other strong male role model in her life. The reality is that the mother isn't interested. What other agencies would be interested, with their limited funding?

Its easy to see how damaging it is for the wife, becuase she's excluded and becuase she's having to consider ending a marriage of presumably 4 decades. That's acutely damaging.

[Fairenuff]

Twizzle I think the difference is that, if your friend could have avoided those girls, he would have.

OP's dad is actively encouraging contact with this girl. Totally different scenarios.

[Meerka]

But she does have a boyfriend. The OP hasn't said if she has other friends or not. The OP's father doesnt spend all his time running after her, so she must be doing other things.

The OP's father hasn't picked up the pieces. He wasn't involved in the preg scare.

The dependency on older man can be damaging if that happens. If the older person is responsible, he'll be teaching her to be careful and to watch people's motives. If he isn't, then there is a potential danger.

I can't see that a few expensive clothes is a big problem.

I can see dangers here, but none that have transpired -so far- into actual damage. The biggest two being that actually, the older man needs to stand up for himself and be careful not to be used becuase one of the jobs of the older generation is to teach the younger generation not to use others; and the danger that being used to friendship from one older man can lead to other and more sexually-natured friendships from other older men.

I do think that you can't just dismiss 40 years marriage down the drain as embarassing and not a loss, it's incredibly painful and hurtful.

Why am I asking? Because a lot of what's been on here is received wisdom and jumping to conclusions rather than thought-out answers. And actually these assumptions deserves another and harder look, rather than just automatically assuming as so many have done that this man is grooming her and that the friendship is a bad thing.

[Meerka]

freebird ... I think you got the wrong thread, sorry. I think you need the Relationships generally, not this particular thread.

[VerityWaves]

My god some of the responses are disgusting. A 14 year old child asking for it, the poor man being manipulated, prison bait. My god some posters should be ashamed of themselves. OP there is something very wrong with your Father. He is grooming this child in plain sight just contact the police.

[Meerka]

Ok, to sum up the other side:

what happened to the idea of a strong male figure in a teenager's life? Why does it always have to be negative, and not positive?

Once upon a time there was the view that a male figure was a good thing.

(except for the very bad way he's treating his wife).

[bunchoffives]

At the very least Meerka, the 'relationship' is setting up an unwholesome pattern for the girl, who sounds like she needs all the decent modelling and wholesomeness she can get.

The patterns are:
she barges in on other people's events/homes=lack of social boundaries/social skills
she 'attaches' herself to an older male she hardly knows=potentially very risky
she accepts money/favours=allowing her attention/affections to be considered as bought by those who'd exploit her
she gets into potentially dangerous situations without apparently seeing they are dangerous (visiting city 3 hours away on her own with man)=personal danger

If OP's Dad had any sense or wisdom he would understand that far from helping the girl he is normalising behaviour patterns that could be very dangerous for the girl in future, even if they are not with him. In his arrogance he is doggedly sticking to the 'well, I know I'm not doing anything wrong' line, without seeing the situation from the girl's point of view, ie that if she replicates this behaviour with another older man, then that older man might not have such innocent intentions as the OP's Dad hopefully has

Gramp You have more than once referred to your mum being a carer for her mum. Does your Dad not see it as his role to help at all? Or perhaps use some of the cash he's so keen to flash to help by paying for some support for his MIL?

BTW I also think you did the only thing you could in contacting SS. Well done you.

[DoristheCamel]

What a horrible situation for you to be in.
Really feel for you op. Fwiw I really think you have done the right thing reporting this to ss.
Whilst waiting to see what happens nect must be scary for you, please reassure yourself that you have done the right thing.

[CrabbyBlossomBottom]

Freebird you need to go to the list of threads in the Relationships section and click 'start a thread'. Cut and paste what you wrote above, and start a thread of your own that people can read and respond to.

[Meerka]

hmm I can see a lot of those, fives, yeah. Also he's behaving awfully to his wife. For those reasons agreed that it's a bad idea.

Guess I'm just shocked and tbh horrified at the number of people who are jumping to the conclusion he's a paedophile as if it's a given fact.

That's a very serious accusation to make and it might be wrong. But simply making the accusation can ruin this man's life. Now he's put himself right in the firing line and being very foolish. But I'm not sure that the response from other people is proportionate to his offence of foolishness .... (assuming that he is only foolish, and not actually a vile and actually rather stupid paedophile).

There's a lot of people on here jumped immediately to the conclusion he's a bad un without stopping to think of other explanations and the OP herself thinks its probably innocent. They've automatically assumed any and all older-younger friendships have wrong motives.

Labelling people paedophiles just off the bat is extremely dangerous to that man's life. Getting Social Services involved, if people irl find out about it, could be enough to ruin his life becuase of the knee-jerk reaction that if he's been investigated he must be guilty. Now it may have been the necessary thign to do (personally I think Childline would have been a better neutral first option, and take their advice, because of the reaction of other people; but quite possibly they'd have advised SS. It would have just been a more neutral and not so heavy first option).

But I'm not at all sure that people have considered the effect on him and those around him if he's innocent. I'm not sure they've even read all the OP's posts before they're stating as if fact that he's grooming her. That's a very serious thing to do.

[KristinaM]

I have worked for childline . It's primarily a service for children but they will offer one off advice to an adult worried about the safety of a child.

This is because there are other telephone advice services and websites for adults .

I'm assuming that if the OP had phoned childline she woudl have given more details than she can here on the internet . And the counsellor woudl be able to ask questions and clarify matters . But based on what the OP has said here, woudl probably encourage her to do exactly what she has done -to pass the matter on to the appropriate authorities .

Very few posters have accused him of being an abuser. But may have said that his behaviour raises red flags .

Discussing it on an anonymous basis will not ruin his life. Failing to stop abuse of a young girl may well ruin her life

No one has assumed that any " older younger " friendship must be suspect . But many aspects of this one are .

However if the Op , her family and the the vast majority of posters here are wrong, and this is perfectly innocent and in the best interests of the child, I'm sure that SS will investigate and take no action.

[KristinaM]

Booklet form the home office on keeping your child safe

www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/97898/a5-booklet.pdf

[KristinaM]

Advice from the parents protect project about online grooming

www.parentsprotect.co.uk/online_grooming.htm

[Vacillating]

You want to end it and are happy to take the consequences if it turns out he is guilty of anything more than being made to feel important by a needy teen?

Call SS and make an anonymous report of inappropriate attention query grooming. It will end it, one way or another and it would also be the right thing to do.

[Vacillating]

Sorry op didn't see that the discussion has moved on-hope it works out ok.

[Lifeisforlivingkatie]

Call child protection and put a stop to this it is the very least you can do, it will stop an end to this and educate the old fool.

[Vivacia]

FGS.