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Relationships

My dad and strange relationship with teenage girl

392 replies

Gramparsons · 19/08/2014 20:22

I have name changed for this as it is embarrassing and disturbing and I really don't want to be outed.

In the past few months my dad has befriended a 14 year old girl who lives next door to my brother and nephews. She started tagging along when he was taking them to football training and for dinner after and she now has his number and she calls him to run her here there and everywhere. He thinks this is hilarious. The reaction in the family has gone from eye rolling, to bewilderment and now anger that he will not see sense. My brother used to give her lifts but stopped because people were calling him a pervert.

She phones him up to take her to the takeaway, pick her up from her friends house etc. and a while back he was late meeting me and my mum because she phoned him for a lift into town then when he was going she said 'oh are you not waiting to drop me off home'. She recently called him from a friends house where she had started an argument and she jumped in the car and shouted at him to drive, she rolls down his window and shouts at people, takes his camera to take pictures of herself and he thinks it is all funny.

He is an incredibly stubborn character and says he will not be told what to do. There is nothing going on, nothing wrong. He doesn't care if people are talking about him, he will not change his behaviour for other people. To some extent it's an admirable character trait but for fucks sake, he doesn't get what effect this is having on any body. My mum is embarrassed in case people are talking about her and scared that this girl may accuse my dad of something and it looks pretty much like he is grooming her doesn't it? He is driving her round buying her food (and knowing my dad and how he is generous with his money he will be giving her handouts like he does everybody). He has accused my mum of being jealous, she is angry at the position he is putting her in.

A couple of weeks ago she phoned and asked him to take her to McDonalds and that she had a 'massive favour' to ask him. She wanted him to take her shopping to a city about 3 hours away from us. He has gone today at the crack of dawn. He has now denied she asked, he said she told him she had been arguing with her boyfriend and he said she needed retail therapy. I honestly don't know what is worse. I don't believe there is anything going on, but I am aware it doesn't look that way. She could accuse him so easily. My other brother has said if he is accused of anything he will not be seeing his granddaughter, will not be able to take his grandson's to football. I agree.

My mum is distraught, she says she can barely bring herself to speak to him, she spent last night at my brother's house and had been sleeping in the spare room. I have sent him a text saying I am so angry he is completely disregarding my mum's feelings like this, and he should stop paying for things and see how long it takes her to lose interest. He should be taking his own grandchildren on trips like this, not a pushy hard faced girl he hardly knows. I have a choppy history with him and this is pushing me to the limit. I have had periods of no contact with him but we have grown close since the birth of my first baby.

I don't know what I think is going on. I know he likes to be useful, he goes out of his way to give lifts/run errands for anybody but this is not innocent to me. I don't think she has any interest in him but she is out for what she can get because he is a soft touch. It is making my skin crawl to think about them. I don't know what I want from writing this :((.

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MrsSchadenfreude · 19/08/2014 21:17

When I was 14, a neighbour of a friend of mine used to take us where he wanted to go in the car. He was a widower in his sixties, and was lovely. He had lost his wife at an early age, and had had no children. He used to love taking me and my friend ice skating, bowling, shopping, to play hockey etc etc. And we loved him taking us - it was great, like having a local grandad.

He didn't pay for stuff though, our parents gave him petrol money and we were given enough money to treat him to lunch etc. He would often pay for eg skate hire - we would hide money in the glove compartment to pay him back when he stopped for petrol. There was never any question of anything improper (and I don't think it crossed anyone's mind) - he just saw us as the grandchildren he never had.

But I think this is a bit different to the OP's story.

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WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 19/08/2014 21:19

I too think, sadly, that an ultimatum is necessary, he is making it impossible for your family to function normally and the potential fallout could be devastating for all of you. Your mum is going to need you all 100% behind her, I'm sorry this is happening to you.

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Gramparsons · 19/08/2014 21:21

That is what I fear forumdonkey. Of my older nephews one is friends with her and one hates her. She's a troublemaker and has had fights and dragged them in before, expecting them to get involved for her.

I think if we all got together and told him it would make him worse, he is a shout louder shout longest character. That is partly why I fell out with him in the past.

He has always been this way GirlWithTheLionHeart he doesn't scare or embarrass easily and doesn't care if his family do. I can just imagine the showdown with police and SS. He doesn't care for authority, especially not SS.

My mum's way of dealing with it is to withdraw. I don't know if she would have the strength to ask him to leave. He has started saying it is his money and he will spend it how he likes.

cloggal he says that my mum has just been telling us what she wants us to hear. He has denied my other brother was ever called a pervert for taking her places. When I said she was pushy and should not have asked, he backtracked and said she suggested it which is worse!

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MeMyselfAnd1 · 19/08/2014 21:23

Well, it is a difficult position to be and I feel sorry for you all, but no matter how much he denies something is going on, his behaviour is not appropriate. If he is willing to let his family be so upset about this to pander to the wishes of a 14 year old, I would say that he is either enjoying being a grandfather to a vulnerable girl or definitively grooming her (might have not started like that, but I would be surprised if this is not going in that direction).

Honestly, what man takes an almost stranger's child shopping three hours away?

I know that is embarrassing but the first and most immediate thing to be done is fir someone to warn the family of this girl. If that doesn't work... Social services? (I know how you feel but, how would you feel if that girl was your DD?

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MeMyselfAnd1 · 19/08/2014 21:25

No matter how "bad" this girl may be, she is still 14 years old. Any respectable man would leave her alone.

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Roseformeplease · 19/08/2014 21:25

If you involve the school, even indirectly, they will have a duty of care and will know about her home situation, SS status etc. It may well make things very hard for your family but, ultimately, they are pretty difficult anyway.

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Gramparsons · 19/08/2014 21:29

Roseformeplease that is a good idea about her school. Would they have somebody specific to speak to a child-protection wise.

I take what a previous poster said about her being vulnerable. She probably is, she doesn't have a nice family life. My dad seems to think he is doing something nice, treating her like a grandchild. But it is so sinister.

MrsSchadenFreude my dad would never have let me go off with someone like that, that is what is so frustrating. She is 14! A child. Once when I was around 10 a friend's mum put me on the bus to my nana's with a male friend of hers who happened to be going that way. He freaked out, saying anything could have happened. My mum knew the man as well and I recognised him but my dad thought it was terrible. We can't get through to him she is a child, someone else's daughter.

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cloggal · 19/08/2014 21:31

Goodness me OP. I feel for your whole family, that his stubbornness comes before his relationships. Your poor mum. Nothing to suggest but even if he's being entirely innocent with this young girl he is hurting you all and leaving himself open to the kind of accusations discussed upthread.

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RustyParker · 19/08/2014 21:36

Whether or not he is actually grooming this girl, on the face of it, it would look like it if the police or ss get involved. One of the things parents are told to watch for with regards to grooming is the child suddenly having money or gifts - so if this girl is suddenly throwing money around and going on big shopping trips it will be a big red flag to the safeguarding authorities.

What an awful situation for you and your family op.

Is this behaviour so out of character for your Dad? I know you say he's generous but I mean befriending waifs and strays? Just wonder if he will try and justify it by saying she makes him feel "young or useful". What does he say he gets out of this "friendship"?

I think you have been very level headed and I hope your Dad sees sense before things get out of hand

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WeAreEternal · 19/08/2014 21:37

In your situation I think I would have to visit the local station and explain everything in depth to an officer and ask for them to have a word with him and possibly her and her mum, about why this relationship is not a good idea.

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Happyringo · 19/08/2014 21:37

If he is already letting his wife sleep in the spare room rather than end this inappropriate relationship, I'm not sure how effective an ultimatum will be...

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wafflyversatile · 19/08/2014 21:39

I don't really know what to make of it. Presumably he doesn't have form for this sort of thing?

On the one hand it sounds like she's not coming from a great home life is a bit chaotic herself and having a positive parental type relationship could be a good thing. If home life with parents is not good then a good relationship with another family member or other adult can be a lifesaver for troubled kids and teens. It would be encouraged, if anything.

Maybe your dad sees this and does feel sorry for her. Maybe she could do with a stabilising steady relationship with an adult. However it doesn't sound like your dad is providing this (putting aside any possibility of abuse). He doesn't appear to be setting boundaries, just spoiling her like an disney dad or over indulgent grandad.

I would think the above is more likely if there has never been any indication prior to this that he grooms children.

If he is stubborn perhaps just chat with him about what he thinks is going on, what he hopes to achieve and what is the best way to go about it.

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RustyParker · 19/08/2014 21:40

Oh, and schools do have a dedicated child protection / safeguarding member of staff so I agree that could be the best way to go about getting this situation highlighted.

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wafflyversatile · 19/08/2014 21:42

Maybe you could offer him more constructive ways to help her. Mentoring schemes, that sort of thing. Have an investigate then a chat and maybe let things be his idea.

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Roseformeplease · 19/08/2014 21:43

Call the school and ask to speak to the Head Teacher. They are usually the safeguarding officer but may deputise some of the functions in a larger school. If you can't speak to them directly, make it clear it is urgent and a child protection issue. They will (.should) treat information received in confidence and could cite a member of the community rather than naming you.

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BerylStreep · 19/08/2014 21:45

I am aware of situations, through a professional capacity, where young girls have been exposed to sexualised behaviour, and they then play it out.

It sounds to me like that is what is going on here. Teenage girl who has discovered the power of sexuality (and has possibly / probably been exploited), and is enjoying having someone at her beck and call. She is still highly vulnerable.

Having said that, it may be the other way round. Whatever it is, it is highly inappropriate and needs to stop. I would be inclined to tell your Dad you intend to report the matter to Social Services.

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Gramparsons · 19/08/2014 21:46

If it was presented to me as a story in the local paper I would most likely think 'no smoke without fire'. It looks a classic case of grooming.

He does have that habit RustyParker but he's never done anything like this before though. Not with a young girl. He has always admired 'cheekiness' as a character trait. Everybody else sees it as rudeness.

I have had a knot in my stomach all day, I just can't believe he has actually gone through with it despite my mum's obvious upset and his children's disgust.

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divingoffthebalcony · 19/08/2014 21:46

Wow.

Why is he doing this? I can't possibly understand how he's got sucked into this ridiculous situation. What's in it for him?

Of course people are going to think he's grooming her - there just isn't another explanation for why he's spending so much money and time on her.

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Gramparsons · 19/08/2014 21:56

Beats me divi goffthebalcony I thought it was too much when she tagged along! but him picking her up on her own is so wrong. All day that's what I have been thinking. In my heart I don't think it is true, but my brain is telling me it is the most likely explanation. He does enough running around after his grandchildren to satisfy his need to feel 'useful'.

He hasn't responded to a text I sent him saying how angry I was. I don't know if he has no signal or has chosen to ignore it. I am thinking an ultimatum might shock him, but scared it will not.

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HumblePieMonster · 19/08/2014 22:04

Good grief.

When teaching, I was made aware of a case where a group of teenage girls deliberately groomed a man then when he behaved inappropriately they reported it to the police and he ended up in court.

Your dad's girl sounds more like she wants a sugar daddy. And he probably thinks she's safer with him than running wild. As well as being flattered by her attention and admiring her rudeness. Whatever his reasons, he should know better than to spend any time alone with a teenage girl.

Tell your dad. And tell social services. And the girl's school (Child Protection officer). You, your mum, everyone, needs to have on record that you've warned him, advised him and that he still goes ahead.

His destination might well be prison. It might break up your family even if it doesn't get as far as court.

Might be time to cut this errant father loose.

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oaksettle · 19/08/2014 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jollyphonics · 19/08/2014 22:10

I would actually speak to the police. It may be that they could warn him off, and make him see sense about how it looks. He might able to tell his family that they're being silly, but he can't disagree with the police, who are the ones who'd be arresting him if a complaint was made.

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/08/2014 22:15

There's no fool like an old fool... never truer words spoken.

I'm so sorry, OP, you sound beyond despair with your dad's behaviour. I think he's extremely flattered, feels useful in the way that a 'damsel in distress' would make a man feel and his endorphins resulting from his are on the rampage and stopping him from thinking straight or seeing sense.

I don't think he's grooming this girl. I think though that he's going to be desperately sorry when that label is applied to him and his family no longer speaks to him.

I can see exactly where all the threats haven't worked and it's because they're reliant on what if's... and he doesn't realise that those what if's are most definitely going to become a reality.

There's a real risk here of this girl, already in a vulnerable position, coming into contact with a 'pimp-type' who will use the situation to extort money from your dad. Blackmail is also a very real possibility.

Your family needs to bring this to a head right now and I'd suggest...

  1. Your mum needs to ask him to leave home for a while - or she leaves home.
  2. Your mum needs to access his bank account to ensure that there's no risk of him putting the house up for sale or making massive withdrawals here and there.

3 Your mum needs to see a solicitor, possibly, to get some advice on protecting the home.
  1. One of you call into a police station and see if there's somebody you can speak to for some advice. I don't know if the police can put a restraining order against your dad contacting this girl - and it would be on his record - but it would be not nearly as bad as a paedophile label.



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Your siblings need to pull together and not lash out from pain and fear. It's not irrecoverable yet.

Is there anybody (a peer of your dad's) who is a friend of the family who could give him the cold, bare facts of what he's doing and the likely consequences if he doesn't stop?

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I'm so sorry for you and your family, OP. I'd start taking action now and not telling him about it or bothering to talk sense to him. It's intervention now that will save the day.
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Thirdtry22 · 19/08/2014 22:15

This is weird and massively inappropriate! Could it be he is flattered by her attention? Is it some mid-life crisis thing on his part?

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newnamesamegame · 19/08/2014 22:16

I would speak to the police, explain the situation and ask if they could raise it with him in a non-confrontational way just to warn him of the consequences of him carrying on.

Who knows if his motives are innocent or not: but either way I would think a warning that he is sailing very close to the wind from the Old Bill would be likely to focus his mind a bit.

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