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Relationships

My dad and strange relationship with teenage girl

392 replies

Gramparsons · 19/08/2014 20:22

I have name changed for this as it is embarrassing and disturbing and I really don't want to be outed.

In the past few months my dad has befriended a 14 year old girl who lives next door to my brother and nephews. She started tagging along when he was taking them to football training and for dinner after and she now has his number and she calls him to run her here there and everywhere. He thinks this is hilarious. The reaction in the family has gone from eye rolling, to bewilderment and now anger that he will not see sense. My brother used to give her lifts but stopped because people were calling him a pervert.

She phones him up to take her to the takeaway, pick her up from her friends house etc. and a while back he was late meeting me and my mum because she phoned him for a lift into town then when he was going she said 'oh are you not waiting to drop me off home'. She recently called him from a friends house where she had started an argument and she jumped in the car and shouted at him to drive, she rolls down his window and shouts at people, takes his camera to take pictures of herself and he thinks it is all funny.

He is an incredibly stubborn character and says he will not be told what to do. There is nothing going on, nothing wrong. He doesn't care if people are talking about him, he will not change his behaviour for other people. To some extent it's an admirable character trait but for fucks sake, he doesn't get what effect this is having on any body. My mum is embarrassed in case people are talking about her and scared that this girl may accuse my dad of something and it looks pretty much like he is grooming her doesn't it? He is driving her round buying her food (and knowing my dad and how he is generous with his money he will be giving her handouts like he does everybody). He has accused my mum of being jealous, she is angry at the position he is putting her in.

A couple of weeks ago she phoned and asked him to take her to McDonalds and that she had a 'massive favour' to ask him. She wanted him to take her shopping to a city about 3 hours away from us. He has gone today at the crack of dawn. He has now denied she asked, he said she told him she had been arguing with her boyfriend and he said she needed retail therapy. I honestly don't know what is worse. I don't believe there is anything going on, but I am aware it doesn't look that way. She could accuse him so easily. My other brother has said if he is accused of anything he will not be seeing his granddaughter, will not be able to take his grandson's to football. I agree.

My mum is distraught, she says she can barely bring herself to speak to him, she spent last night at my brother's house and had been sleeping in the spare room. I have sent him a text saying I am so angry he is completely disregarding my mum's feelings like this, and he should stop paying for things and see how long it takes her to lose interest. He should be taking his own grandchildren on trips like this, not a pushy hard faced girl he hardly knows. I have a choppy history with him and this is pushing me to the limit. I have had periods of no contact with him but we have grown close since the birth of my first baby.

I don't know what I think is going on. I know he likes to be useful, he goes out of his way to give lifts/run errands for anybody but this is not innocent to me. I don't think she has any interest in him but she is out for what she can get because he is a soft touch. It is making my skin crawl to think about them. I don't know what I want from writing this :((.

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Gramparsons · 19/08/2014 22:20

Jollyphonics I wish that were the case. But he once kept my brother off school for 6 weeks because of a dispute over a punishment. He doesn't take kindly to authority figures.

He probably does feel sorry for her, but he is going around helping in the wrong way. I personally don't think he should be attempting to help her at all.

BerylStreep and HumblePieMonster I am scared of something like this happening. I can see it heading that way.

oaksettle he has a busy life, lots of hobbies and interests outside of work. It's a running joke that as soon as he sits down he is asleep because he is always running around.

It is her I want to talk to as well, to find out what both of them think is going on.

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YouAreAMouseInAMaze · 19/08/2014 22:24

Wow, OK. This sounds really stressful.

FWIW, my instinct is that he's NOT grooming her. TBH it sounds like he has a massive ego and he probably likes the idea of being needed and relied on (by someone new, his wife and family don't seem to count...). You suspect he is handing out money and again this is probably a way of pumping up his ego.

As for her, she is probably just becoming aware of how she can get men to do things for her. If her family aren't interested, he may be the only way she can get around etc. I agree that she is potentially vulnerable due to her age, and that being a bit cocky and hard-faced doesn't negate that.

From your description of his stubbornness he sounds just like my grandfather-in-law. Gets an idea in his head, won't listen to reason, won't be 'criticised'. They will twist reason to make themselves be in the right. I really feel for you.

I agree there is a risk he could actually be grooming her and this shouldn't be written off, but I guess not somehow. There is a big risk though that others will think it looks dodgy.

I agree with trying to contact her parents or, failing that, her school.

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jackydanny · 19/08/2014 22:25

Don't talk to the girl, she is the victim /a minor.
What if he is up to something and you make it worse?
I wouldn't talk to him either.
I would be speaking to authorities, this girl needs protecting.

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arsenaltilidie · 19/08/2014 22:28

You do realise when victims come out generally the family members of the abuser will say she is the one that groomed him.
She comes from a bad family, he was just being nice.
She's more mature for her age.

That's exactly what you are doing.

Your dad IS grooming the young girl.

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HumblePieMonster · 19/08/2014 22:30

Yes, write down your position, copy this thread, get your mum etc to write down theirs.
As well as to social services and school, pass copies of everything to his gp (in case he's mid-breakdown) and to the police.
It has to stop.
I'm so sorry he has brought this on your family.

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Happyringo · 19/08/2014 22:30

Really feel for you OP. I would counsel against speaking to the girl yourself though. I don't think it could help and could make things worse. No matter what you think of her, she is 14 and sounds vulnerable. Tbh your Dad should step away and not be using this girl as either some kind of proof of his disregard for authority, or worse.

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Gramparsons · 19/08/2014 22:35

They have a joint bank account, she is saying she is going to check if he has spent money in clothes shops. He is more likely to have given her money to spend. God knows what he thinks it will look like to the police.

I just don't think she had the will to fight him, I wish she would leave for a while.

When I stopped talking to him when I was younger he once told my brother he was scared people would think he had abused me. He never did, he was never inappropriate in that way. I wish he would see our point of view now.

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Deverethemuzzler · 19/08/2014 22:37

I am finding the way posters are talking about this girl alarming and upsetting.
She is 14 ffs and she is being accused of grooming a grown adult man and being called prison bait.

The responsibility for ALL of this lays with the adults involved, not the child

If he won't stop treating this child like his girlfriend he is going to have to face the consequences of his own actions.

Look at the posts on this thread everyone is getting blamed bar the man who is doing the running around. The girl, her mum, even his wife isn't doing enough.

Get real about this. Your father is not a fool. If he isn't grooming this child just what the fuck does he think he is doing?

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Athrawes · 19/08/2014 22:37

Do you know anyone socially like a police officer or social worker or judge who could sit down with your Dad and explain how this looks. That he is not be accused of anything but that he could be and that this needs to stop.

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Happyringo · 19/08/2014 22:42

Whoa...a joint bank account? How is that possible given her age?

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/08/2014 22:43

Better that an intervention goes in hard right now, OP, rather than trying to pick up the pieces later. Your mum, with respect, needs to focus on protecting her home and their money.

The police can make him listen because there is a minor at risk. There's absolutely no point in your talking to her because she is also getting something out of this arrangement and is 14 years old... the drama must be irresistible.

The only thing that would stop her is for her peers to ridicule her silly behaviour. Peer pressure is key to everything it seems.

For now, I would rally as a family, sort out support for your mum and leave your dad to it. He's not going to listen to you, that's why the police are going to be involved, it's unavoidable - better that they're asked to by your family than him being arrested and they have no knowledge. It's too late then - do it now.

If I were in your position, I might actually consider contacting a solicitor; one who is versed in children and family law to get some proper legal advice. A chatboard is all well and good for support but this is very serious and you need proper advice, Gramparsons, you really do.

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YouAreAMouseInAMaze · 19/08/2014 22:47

I don't know about a solicitor - he hasn't done anything illegal yet so not sure what they would be able to say. A friend who is a social worker or police officer might be a good bet, as athrawes says.

This is all down to his desire to be beneficent (positive interpretation) and his stubbornness.

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jackydanny · 19/08/2014 22:49

How do you know he hasn't done anything illegal?

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Happyringo · 19/08/2014 22:51

Sorry just re read, I think I misunderstood about the joint bank account!

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YouAreAMouseInAMaze · 19/08/2014 22:52

I meant going off what the OP has said. Driving her around etc. is suspicious behaviour but he hasn't committed a crime that the OP knows of. TBH I suspect that any attempt to try and get him to see how serious this could be will just make him even more stubborn. If he truly is just helping her out he will be furious that his family are accusing him of abusing her and if he is abusing her (or planning to) then he's not just going to put his hands up to it, is he?

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Gramparsons · 19/08/2014 23:09

Yes, sorry I meant he and my mum have a joint account!

I wish I knew someone in authority who could talk to him. I think I am going to see his reaction to the upset he has caused today and if he won't agree to back off I will phone either police or SS. Which would be better?

You are right MouseInAMaze he is getting more and more stubborn.

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Corygal · 19/08/2014 23:10

I guess what you all really need is for the relationship to end. Is there anything you can do to promote that? Do you think it will run out of steam? can you recall if your dad has form for giving up on things?

At the moment he seems to get more and more stubborn the more and more desperate you and the family get. (Just like a teenager who won't give up on an undesirable girlfriend.) So could you act cool - easier said than done we know - and take the heat out of things? Simply by reducing all contact with him and just saying in a bored way 'We're not seeing you dad because of your weird ways with X, no big deal'.

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GladitsnotJustMe · 19/08/2014 23:14

If a man was spending money, giving gifts to, texting, accepting calls from, and being at the beck and call of an adult woman - there would only be one word for their relationship - an affair.

My gut instinct also says that he's not 'grooming' her - he's just flattered by the attention. I would be very worried what this young girl might accuse him of. It sounds like she has some serious boundary issues - the fact that she tried this with your brother first sets off alarm bells.

Either way, one of them is in danger - either the girl from abuse, or your father from a false accusation.

I think the best course of action would be for you to give him a stern warning, then go to Social Services and leave it to them to sort out.

So sorry for you OP

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YouAreAMouseInAMaze · 19/08/2014 23:16

I would say social services. As you don't have an actual crime to report, I'm not sure whether the police would see it as their place to come over and tell him that his behaviour is potentially inappropriate. (BTW I am not saying that it is NOT inappropriate, but as far as you know it is mainly because his whole family have told him to stop and he has ignored them).

Social services will be more interested in making sure the child is safe, I would have thought, and they might want to speak to him and her parents to make sure this is the case.

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GladitsnotJustMe · 19/08/2014 23:16

OP another option would be to call the Police community support officer - they could come and have a chat with you, give you advice, and possibly go and talk to your Dad about the potential ramifications.

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damepeanutbutter · 19/08/2014 23:19

Whether he has done anything illegal or not (and grooming is illegal I believe) then it only takes for someone (her mother? Her? A friend?) to accuse him of grooming and he will find himself on the sex-offenders' register. And that would be vile for your mum. The girl has her own mother to protect her (and obviously she is allowing this relationship to flourish) and your dad can look after himself. My prime concern here is your mum. If your dad gets on the Register at some point in the future then that is going to be absolutely awful for your mum as well as all of you. She needs to have her own bank account and a lot of support around her. Poor lady. But I agree with others. Perhaps having the police come round to have a quiet word with him might be the first step to stopping this ridiculous and worrying behaviour before any accusations (false or otherwise) are thrown his way. Once he is accused of something it will be hard to shake it off (if untrue) and your mum will be at the sharp end of the fallout.

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YouAreAMouseInAMaze · 19/08/2014 23:27

I found this - www.cps.gov.uk/news/fact_sheets/sexual_offences/ re grooming. It seems a bit hazy, I think it has only recently been classified as an offence, but it looks like there has to be intention to abuse the child, which is obviously hard to prove. He would argue that he is just being kind/helping out. If he HAS been buying her clothes etc. then that would be another level to it. Your mum should def check bank accounts.

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WallyBantersJunkBox · 19/08/2014 23:34

What Devere said.

She may be perfectly capable of manipulating him, but he is the responsible adult in this situation and needs to be the one to take control and end this strange relationship.

If I was your DM I'd be taking the bloody car keys from him for a start.

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Gramparsons · 19/08/2014 23:39

Thank you all so much for your responses tonight. My primary concern is my mum, she has a lot on her plate without having to deal with this as well. It would destroy her (all of us actually) for him to be accused. It is his total disregard for the upset he is causing her that is so hard to deal with.

I don't think he will take us seriously so I think that distancing myself from him until this behaviour stops is a good way to go.

I really want to scream at him.

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Whiskwarrior · 19/08/2014 23:41

Jesus wept, my own DD is coming up on 13, just over a year younger than this girl. We are talking about a child here, not a manipulative woman.

People really need to check themselves before they use phrases like 'prison bait' - that is fucking disgusting in itself.

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