My dad and strange relationship with teenage girl

[Gramparsons]

I have name changed for this as it is embarrassing and disturbing and I really don't want to be outed.

In the past few months my dad has befriended a 14 year old girl who lives next door to my brother and nephews. She started tagging along when he was taking them to football training and for dinner after and she now has his number and she calls him to run her here there and everywhere. He thinks this is hilarious. The reaction in the family has gone from eye rolling, to bewilderment and now anger that he will not see sense. My brother used to give her lifts but stopped because people were calling him a pervert.

She phones him up to take her to the takeaway, pick her up from her friends house etc. and a while back he was late meeting me and my mum because she phoned him for a lift into town then when he was going she said 'oh are you not waiting to drop me off home'. She recently called him from a friends house where she had started an argument and she jumped in the car and shouted at him to drive, she rolls down his window and shouts at people, takes his camera to take pictures of herself and he thinks it is all funny.

He is an incredibly stubborn character and says he will not be told what to do. There is nothing going on, nothing wrong. He doesn't care if people are talking about him, he will not change his behaviour for other people. To some extent it's an admirable character trait but for fucks sake, he doesn't get what effect this is having on any body. My mum is embarrassed in case people are talking about her and scared that this girl may accuse my dad of something and it looks pretty much like he is grooming her doesn't it? He is driving her round buying her food (and knowing my dad and how he is generous with his money he will be giving her handouts like he does everybody). He has accused my mum of being jealous, she is angry at the position he is putting her in.

A couple of weeks ago she phoned and asked him to take her to McDonalds and that she had a 'massive favour' to ask him. She wanted him to take her shopping to a city about 3 hours away from us. He has gone today at the crack of dawn. He has now denied she asked, he said she told him she had been arguing with her boyfriend and he said she needed retail therapy. I honestly don't know what is worse. I don't believe there is anything going on, but I am aware it doesn't look that way. She could accuse him so easily. My other brother has said if he is accused of anything he will not be seeing his granddaughter, will not be able to take his grandson's to football. I agree.

My mum is distraught, she says she can barely bring herself to speak to him, she spent last night at my brother's house and had been sleeping in the spare room. I have sent him a text saying I am so angry he is completely disregarding my mum's feelings like this, and he should stop paying for things and see how long it takes her to lose interest. He should be taking his own grandchildren on trips like this, not a pushy hard faced girl he hardly knows. I have a choppy history with him and this is pushing me to the limit. I have had periods of no contact with him but we have grown close since the birth of my first baby.

I don't know what I think is going on. I know he likes to be useful, he goes out of his way to give lifts/run errands for anybody but this is not innocent to me. I don't think she has any interest in him but she is out for what she can get because he is a soft touch. It is making my skin crawl to think about them. I don't know what I want from writing this :((.

[CaptChaos]

Which is why you have to call social services. I'm really sorry, and I can understand how difficult it will be, but you have to protect this child.

[thornyhousewife]

What a horrible dilemma for you and your family OP.

Has your dad got any friends you could talk to about this? It sounds as though your dad will absolutely not listen to his family, but might he listen to a friend? I am sure they would be horrified.

If he is genuinely charitable and cares for this girl in an appropriate way, then he is damaging her right now by perpetuating this unhealthy relationship. He is teaching her to continue to manipulate and he is hurting his family. This is doing her no favours. She will end up more damaged by his intervention.

Good luck OP.

[Meerka]

Agreed that my 'grandfather' did not buy me clothes or anything like that. I'm certain it looked very odd from the outside.

Again, agreed that the way your father is handling it is wrong. I just think it's rather sad that so many people are instantly assuming he's grooming her. It's not impossible but it's certainly not a given.

As a previous poster said though If my DH asked me to not do something because it was upsetting/embarrassing him I'd probably stop doing it or hold a reasonable conversation about it, not dig my heels in. Anything less is a total lack of respect.

[vezzie]

To those who seem to be implying we live in dark, suspicious times because the consensus is that this isn't ok (even if nothing has "happened" nearly everyone thinks it should stop) - this is not a weird, new position that society has taken. Throughout history it has been the case that when two people of the opposite sex hang out, there will be suspicions unless they being other people around them. The need of a chaperone, whether arising naturally or artificially put in place, in certain situations, has been known for ever.
A friendship is fine in a family context. It's the fact they are behaving as a couple, a duo alone with no one with them, that is not ok.

What is more current about this situation is that we understand - or ought to understand - in this day and age - is that if there is anything between them, it is not romance but abuse. That is the only new-ish aspect that our modern sensibility brings to this.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

Vezzie I agree with this, a friendship would be appropriate, conducted in full view, popping in a thoughtful book, inviting someone along to family events, there's nothing wrong with an older person extending the hand of friendship or taking someone under their wing, but this is not what is happening here.

The OP's father appears to me anyway to be besotted with this girl (I think people who are focusing on his defiance of authority are missing the point, he's obsessed by her) to the point of risking his marriage, his life and relationship with his children. This isn't love but it is obsessive and may well result in abuse.

I also have to say that I have had many protective older males take me under their wing over the years, from university to work and so on. In all honesty, this mainly happened when they fancied me and wanted to 'keep in touch', it was all grossly inappropriate for a 16-19 year old when they are in their fifties and sixties and even older. I have had good working relationships with older men who have looked out for me but only where there have been extremely clear boundaries in place, from their side. Once you start acting like a pseudo-wife (which is what is happening here) then there is romantic/desire/intent, which if with an under-age girl, is abuse.

If he really cared for this girl he would back off, and bring her into the family fold in a daughter role. Instead he's getting up at 6 am to go off for hours on end with her against his wife's wishes.

It's beyond inappropriate and your mum should leave him (as someone else said, if this were with another adult woman, it would be an affair).

[Tipsykisses]

I'm so sorry you are going through this op , I've read this thread with my stomach in knots as I do not know of any man who would have a relationship like this with a child unless there was an underhand reason .
I have held off posting as I wasn't sure how to put what I want to say but I can't not speak out after reading what I have & also because of experiences I have seen myself in the past .

I do believe he is grooming her & I also believe that the fact he is acting so blasé about his behaviour is a sign of this as a lot of men who are grooming or abusing children do not see anything wrong with what they do and try to justify their behaviour .

Also if This child has had a hard time she may be looking for love & attention wherever she can get it & maybe doesn't understand that gifts , money etc is not love .
She may have been abused in the past so may be conditioned to behave this way ?
Who knows what this child has been through ?

I really hope I'm wrong but with all you've written and the way he's behaving when challenged I don't know what other reason he'd have to behave this way as if he wanted to help there are better ways .

Could all of you talk to your dad together so that your mum has support ?
I'd also be tempted to try to get hold of his phone or computer to see if there are any photos txts or emails between them .

I feel for you and your family op , I really hope that he stops this now and that he stays away from her in future before things get worse x

[LoveBeingInTheSun]

You could call childline for some advice

[Deverethemuzzler]

Hopefully she will lose interest

Look at what you are saying.
You are putting the responsibilty on this child. If only SHE would put a stop to it, it will be ok.

No. This is your father's choice and his responsibility.


At 14 she probably won't see a "down" side to any of it so won't be keen for the sugar daddy bit to stop. Your dad could actually be the one played for a fool here and be led a merry dance. Unfortunately for him the repercussions are sooooo much worse

Are you kidding me with this? Poor man, he better get himself out of this predicament before he gets into trouble.

Finally

You could call childline for some advice

Good idea. I can tell you what they will tell the OP. They will tell the OP that the child is vulnerable not the father. They will tell the OP that the father is behaving in an inappropriate way not the child.
Because they will talk some damn sense.


If this was a thread that started: There is an older man who lives down my street. He is really kind to my 14 year old daughter and takes her out a lot. He has given her money for clothes and food. I really appreciate this because we are on benefits and I don't have much time for her. My friends are telling me that there is something weird going on. What do you think?

This website would explode with outrage that the mother was not protecting her DD from a predatory older man.

On this thread this child has been portrayed as the predator and the man as the potential victim.

OP please do phone childline. Tell them what you have told us, all of it, and then listen to what they tell you.

[Happyringo]

To the people suggesting this could be an innocent friendship. Taking age out of the equation, is any friendship acceptable if it means spending an unreasonable amount if time away from home, alienating your family, and your spouse sleeping in the spare room because of how much time is devoted to the friend? If this was a woman saying it was her DH with a female friend ringing the DH to take her shopping/buy her things I don't think anyone would say oh it's ok they're probably just friends - it would be called an EA at best.

[Gramparsons]

I'm a bit scared at the moment my mum has hone into avoidance mode. She slept out of the house again last night, but said he did not get back until half 9! I have asked what he has said about it and she said she hasn't spoken to him. Her mother had a fall last night so she has that to attend to as well.

I might put it to her in those terms: it sounds like an affair, why are you putting up with it, if the worst that is happening is he is making a fool of her that is pretty bad.

[Withmyfeetinthesink]

What age is your mum? Is there a reason she is being so witless about all of this? While this is something your father needs to take responsibility for in terms of the child and his relationship with her, your mum also needs to face up to things.

This man, who shares her life with, is having an inappropriate relationship with a child. She has grandchildren with him - she needs to make some decisions too. I'm not suggesting she takes responsibility for his actions, but why are you the only one doing anything here (if you're going to do anything, that is)?

[CaptChaos]

Please, for the love of god call social services or childline or the NSPCC. The child that your father is spending his time, money and family on is vulnerable in any reasonable definition of the word.

There may be nothing going on, but she needs help and support. Your father might have only the best possible intentions toward her, but the next older man she becomes involved with might not. The fact that your father is not listening to anyone, despite his protectiveness toward you at that age is telling however.

Could you really live with yourself if his intentions are and have been less than avuncular? You have been watching this unfold.

[aturtlenamedmack]

She isn't going to lose interest, why would she? She has a skivvy, taxi driver and bank rolled into one.
It isn't up to her to lose interest either. Your dad needs to acknowledge that the relationship is inappropriate (even without a sexual/romantic element) and draw some very clear boundaries. He needs to change his behaviour now. This is only going to end badly.

[Happyringo]

maryz I am also uncomfortable with how blame has been apportioned to the girl in some posts in this thread. I've got a 14yr old myself and even though she thinks she's grown up, she's very much a child. Someone in my family was groomed when she was a 14yr old girl, but because the groomer was a female and in a position of trust, SS didn't see it as grooming and said they were unable to help. However they may be more help in this case, as the OP's Dad fits much more with the standard model :/

[Meerka]

Agreed the way the OP's father is treating his wife is awful.

Ringing Childline sounds a very good idea too.

[CaptChaos]

Just I saw that one too. Sickening.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

I'm sorry but I can't think of a kindly innocent explanation for someone going out early in the am and coming back at 9.30 pm spending all day out and about with this girl.

Just because something is in plain sight doesn't mean it isn't happening.