My dad and strange relationship with teenage girl

[Gramparsons]

I have name changed for this as it is embarrassing and disturbing and I really don't want to be outed.

In the past few months my dad has befriended a 14 year old girl who lives next door to my brother and nephews. She started tagging along when he was taking them to football training and for dinner after and she now has his number and she calls him to run her here there and everywhere. He thinks this is hilarious. The reaction in the family has gone from eye rolling, to bewilderment and now anger that he will not see sense. My brother used to give her lifts but stopped because people were calling him a pervert.

She phones him up to take her to the takeaway, pick her up from her friends house etc. and a while back he was late meeting me and my mum because she phoned him for a lift into town then when he was going she said 'oh are you not waiting to drop me off home'. She recently called him from a friends house where she had started an argument and she jumped in the car and shouted at him to drive, she rolls down his window and shouts at people, takes his camera to take pictures of herself and he thinks it is all funny.

He is an incredibly stubborn character and says he will not be told what to do. There is nothing going on, nothing wrong. He doesn't care if people are talking about him, he will not change his behaviour for other people. To some extent it's an admirable character trait but for fucks sake, he doesn't get what effect this is having on any body. My mum is embarrassed in case people are talking about her and scared that this girl may accuse my dad of something and it looks pretty much like he is grooming her doesn't it? He is driving her round buying her food (and knowing my dad and how he is generous with his money he will be giving her handouts like he does everybody). He has accused my mum of being jealous, she is angry at the position he is putting her in.

A couple of weeks ago she phoned and asked him to take her to McDonalds and that she had a 'massive favour' to ask him. She wanted him to take her shopping to a city about 3 hours away from us. He has gone today at the crack of dawn. He has now denied she asked, he said she told him she had been arguing with her boyfriend and he said she needed retail therapy. I honestly don't know what is worse. I don't believe there is anything going on, but I am aware it doesn't look that way. She could accuse him so easily. My other brother has said if he is accused of anything he will not be seeing his granddaughter, will not be able to take his grandson's to football. I agree.

My mum is distraught, she says she can barely bring herself to speak to him, she spent last night at my brother's house and had been sleeping in the spare room. I have sent him a text saying I am so angry he is completely disregarding my mum's feelings like this, and he should stop paying for things and see how long it takes her to lose interest. He should be taking his own grandchildren on trips like this, not a pushy hard faced girl he hardly knows. I have a choppy history with him and this is pushing me to the limit. I have had periods of no contact with him but we have grown close since the birth of my first baby.

I don't know what I think is going on. I know he likes to be useful, he goes out of his way to give lifts/run errands for anybody but this is not innocent to me. I don't think she has any interest in him but she is out for what she can get because he is a soft touch. It is making my skin crawl to think about them. I don't know what I want from writing this :((.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

What an awful situation, I really feel for you.

You cannot talk to the girl. Yes she is probably 'manipulating' him in so far as any 14 yr old explores the new sexual power they have. But as a fully grown adult he should be manipulable in this way by a girl who is in her early teens and needs protecting and teaching where boundaries and what acceptable behaviour is with older men.

It doesn't matter how hard faced or wily she is, to be frank she could strip naked and parade in front of him and it would still be his fault<strong>responsability, not hers. She's a child growing into her changing body.

And of course the really sad thing is that the way she's behaving is probably because she's been exploited or abused in the past.

Your father is a stubborn fucking fool who is walking eyes wide open into a criminal charge and social destruction of his family. And that's if he isnt actually grooming her. It's sick. It's like he thinks hes so all powerful he can play chicken with the authorities in the most heinous manner, and win, because he's so so special. Ugh.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Sorry typo, should say 'he should not be manipulable'

I know that's not a word... Maybe 'malleable'?

[Aheadofyourtime]

If there is inappropriate behaviour then he is guilty.
But if there isn't ... What has he actually done that is wrong apart from it all being rather odd and dodgy looking?
He can't be sent to prison if he hasn't done anything.

[Rebecca2014]

Sorry if the term prison bait offended anyone. What I meant was that he could be looking at a prison sentence if she accuses him of abuse. If you read the rest of my post I also said she was an vulnerable girl and op should call social services.

[GirlWithTheLionHeart]

ahead would you be happy if your dad/dh was doing this?

[Meerka]

gramparsons just to put another pov based on my own experience.

When I was a teen, I became close friends with a much much older man. My father wasn't interested in me and my adored adoptive mother had died.

Now he took me out, even went on holiday with me (with the ok of his admittedly rather patient wife). He paid attention to me, talked to me, shared his love of poetry, gave me bits of money, not big amounts though.

At the time, no one else was interested or involved. Tehre was a slight and i do mean slight hint of inappropriate interest. But he said once later that I was taboo for him. He could not have done anything and lived with himself.

He (and his patient wife) were life savers for me. I was frankly rather lost and alone and he was more like a father to me than my own father.

I remember him with deep gratitude and a sense of enjoyment in life with him that I sure didn't get at home. He taught me what a good father figure can be like.

Is it just possible that this may be the situation with your father and this young girl?

I do realise that just because I had a highly unconventional but decent relationship that it's not necessarily the case here!

But I do also think it's sad that your father is at such risk of being thought a paedophile when it sounds innocent. The young girl has no father, maybe he's a sort of father/grandfather figure. Other people frankly sometimes see smoke even where there isn't any fire, though agreed you have to have a weather eye out.

Clearly though your father is handling this catastrophically because he's not paying attention to how his wife is feeling. It sounds like there is nothing you can do to get through to him though :(

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

At best it is completely disrespectful of your mum. I cannot begin to imagine what she must be feeling.

[Vivacia]

Sorry if the term prison bait offended anyone. What I meant was that he could be looking at a prison sentence if she accuses him of abuse

But his behaviour would be very difficult to defend as not being grooming, which is an offence. He is the adult here and it's his behaviour that could be breaking the law. She is a child, her behaviour isn't breaking the law.

"prison bait" is a dreadful term.

[Flossiex2]

Social services and police should be informed. Don't start with the school, there's no point. They will ring social services themselves straight away anyway. Obviously they need to know so they can monitor her behaviour/attendance etc in case she starts missing school but you should tell
SS the facts directly.

What a really difficult situation op. Since your father is stubborn, the best you can hope for is that this all runs out if steam. The worst, well, I dread to think.

[NorwaySpruce]

It's interesting that when you stopped speaking to your father, his concern was that people would think he'd been abusing you, that he voiced that thought, and that you remember it.

Your father is clearly not an idiot, he has experience of bringing up children, and was very protective of you.

It looks as though he knows what he's doing, and doesn't much care.

Does he perhaps think that if he is accused of abusing this girl, people will react much the way many posters here have - describing the child as 'hard, faced, grasping, prison-bait, manipulative', and in fact accusing her of grooming him FFS .

Has he, in other words, found himself a vulnerable, easy target?

[kaykayblue]

Thing is, even if your father doesn't respect authority, hates social services...whatever.

Welp, none of that is going to make him any the more immune to a prison sentence, restraining order, or having his name on a sex offenders list.

Because that's where he is going to end up, frankly. Decent men do not behave like this. Decent men do not put themselves in such a ridiculously dangerous position - if he starts refusing to buy her things will she accuse him of sexual abuse? The fact that he is actively spending time alone with her where no-one can account for his behaviour (THREE HOUR drive to a shopping mall?), makes me think that there may be an element of grooming here. Not just that, but the handouts. Not just the handouts, but being at her "beck and call".

He has put himself in a fucking stupid position. He has ignored his own family for the wishes of a stranger. He is embarrassing his wife - I wouldn't be surprised if she was fucking jealous!! When was the last time he took HER on a shopping trip???

I don't think it's worth getting into arguments with him, but I think you should all, as a family, show him the door.

Tell him that his arrogance, and his willingness to openly humiliate his family has gone on long enough. From now on he won't be seeing his grandchildren. At all. Or any of you, in fact. It doesn't matter if he shouts or screams. Him shouting has no effect on a decision you guys have made. Just walk away after telling him.

Please don't let him have his cake and eat it too - he is showing nothing but disrespect to his family, and yet is still being involved and part of the fold.

Fuck that. Treat him with the same respect he is showing you. The allures of a child might seem less appealing when it has cost him his relationship with his actual blood grandchildren and children.

[rb32]

I'm sure in his mind he's just made a friend, someone he just wants to help out. He sees everyone around him telling him he's a peadophile and thinks "fuck off, she's a friend and I'm not doing anything wrong". And he's probably not doing anything wrong.

Apart from the possibility of the girl kicking off at some point and some gossip from people, why are you and your familly so dead against it?

I think th PP has got it wrong, I think it's disrispectful that you should be questioning his, and I assume their is no reason to think otherwise, honerable intentions.

[NorwaySpruce]

Are you insane rb32 ?

Would you be happy for your 14 year old to be carted around and given money by a grown man, who was alienating his own family in order to spend time with your child?

Honorable adults do not behave in this way towards other peoples children.

And by the sound of it, there is no parent looking out for this particular child.

[Gramparsons]

NorwaySpruce I don't think that is how he would describe her, that is the general impression everyone in the family already had of her and her family before all of this started. He thinks she is nice and likes her forthrightness etc.

But it is completely right that it looks exactly like grooming, if there was an accusation it would look like a clear cut case. I am inclined to think it is not which I know makes me look like I have my head in the sand. I think it is similar to what Meerka is describing, down to the fact that he might have inappropriate thoughts whether or not he acts on them.

His excuse as far as my mum is concerned is that she wouldn't go (she is very much tied to caring for and visiting her mum). But that doesn't mean he should be taking a teenage girl instead. She mentioned that he should take my nephews along (instead of I would have thought) but he didn't take the bait, so that made me angrier - that she should come first, that that was an opportunity to have a kind of chaperone but he dismissed it.

I couldn't agree more with the last few posts, he is asking for trouble he really is. My mum is distraught that he is dismissing her feelings and putting it down to jealousy, and if he is accused and ends up being charged it really will be it for me. I would not associate with a child abuser even if he wasn't a risk to my own child. My brother feels the same. He is tearing us apart.

[notapizzaeater]

I was groomed as a child by an older man, a grandad. It started with him taking me places and buying me small gifts. That aside the total disregard to your mums thoughts and feelings would be the final,straw, in a normal relationship if one partner asks the other to do / not do something then just flaunting it in their face isn't helpful.

[rb32]

Norway Spruce, if it was my 14 year old daughter and if I knew the man well enough to trust him yes, why not. Or am I one of the only people on this site that can see past the 'oh he's obvioulsy a peado' thing to 'odd as it may seem, maybe they are friends'.

[Vivacia]

But it's not a very balanced friendship, is it, rb32? She's in a very vulnerable position. His family are concerned about the amount of time and money he's spending on his friend.

[Gramparsons]

RE the 'we believe you' comment I know, it does sound like victim blaming. I suppose I can't defend myself from that's because everything I say backs it up. We as a family have never liked her, she just walks into my brother's house, helps herself to things, causes trouble so no I don't like her. But, yes, she hasn't got the best home life and she is vulnerable. If not from him then from anybody else she does this with. She is calling him and asking/demanding things and he is too stupid to see where it is going.

rb32 I think my family and I think it is not his place to 'save' this girl.we think that it is inappropriate for a man in his 60s to be friends with a 14 year old girl. We are dead against it because he is running around after her and making a fool of himself and us at the very least.

If it is all innocent he should maybe take her on runs out when he is with his grandsons not be making special trios just for her. He's possibly not doing anything wrong (but am I really meant to believe the thought hasn't crossed his mind?). But a previous poster said if it was an older woman it would scream affair, this to me in a young girl screams at least the potential for abuse. I think my mum has the right to question that/throw a tantrum/kick him out over this.

[Gramparsons]

I am sorry for that notapizzaeater. He is flaunting it as well, making jokes about his trip away to my mum.

It is very odd for them to be friends, what can they possibly have in common? It is sickening to me. No, it is not balanced.

[rb32]

Gramparsons - I agree, he needs to address the issue with you and your familly, spread his time out more 'fairly'. But how is he making a fool out of you? Is it simply because you're embarrassed about what other people may think of him?