My dad and strange relationship with teenage girl

[Gramparsons]

I have name changed for this as it is embarrassing and disturbing and I really don't want to be outed.

In the past few months my dad has befriended a 14 year old girl who lives next door to my brother and nephews. She started tagging along when he was taking them to football training and for dinner after and she now has his number and she calls him to run her here there and everywhere. He thinks this is hilarious. The reaction in the family has gone from eye rolling, to bewilderment and now anger that he will not see sense. My brother used to give her lifts but stopped because people were calling him a pervert.

She phones him up to take her to the takeaway, pick her up from her friends house etc. and a while back he was late meeting me and my mum because she phoned him for a lift into town then when he was going she said 'oh are you not waiting to drop me off home'. She recently called him from a friends house where she had started an argument and she jumped in the car and shouted at him to drive, she rolls down his window and shouts at people, takes his camera to take pictures of herself and he thinks it is all funny.

He is an incredibly stubborn character and says he will not be told what to do. There is nothing going on, nothing wrong. He doesn't care if people are talking about him, he will not change his behaviour for other people. To some extent it's an admirable character trait but for fucks sake, he doesn't get what effect this is having on any body. My mum is embarrassed in case people are talking about her and scared that this girl may accuse my dad of something and it looks pretty much like he is grooming her doesn't it? He is driving her round buying her food (and knowing my dad and how he is generous with his money he will be giving her handouts like he does everybody). He has accused my mum of being jealous, she is angry at the position he is putting her in.

A couple of weeks ago she phoned and asked him to take her to McDonalds and that she had a 'massive favour' to ask him. She wanted him to take her shopping to a city about 3 hours away from us. He has gone today at the crack of dawn. He has now denied she asked, he said she told him she had been arguing with her boyfriend and he said she needed retail therapy. I honestly don't know what is worse. I don't believe there is anything going on, but I am aware it doesn't look that way. She could accuse him so easily. My other brother has said if he is accused of anything he will not be seeing his granddaughter, will not be able to take his grandson's to football. I agree.

My mum is distraught, she says she can barely bring herself to speak to him, she spent last night at my brother's house and had been sleeping in the spare room. I have sent him a text saying I am so angry he is completely disregarding my mum's feelings like this, and he should stop paying for things and see how long it takes her to lose interest. He should be taking his own grandchildren on trips like this, not a pushy hard faced girl he hardly knows. I have a choppy history with him and this is pushing me to the limit. I have had periods of no contact with him but we have grown close since the birth of my first baby.

I don't know what I think is going on. I know he likes to be useful, he goes out of his way to give lifts/run errands for anybody but this is not innocent to me. I don't think she has any interest in him but she is out for what she can get because he is a soft touch. It is making my skin crawl to think about them. I don't know what I want from writing this :((.

Oh God Gram. You're doing well. I know it must be very hard.

I was groomed in this way as a shockingly naïve 18 year old, by a man older than my grandfather. (Don't know if you can even call it "groomed" as I was an adult, but that's how it felt.)

My uncle knows a teenage girl and does many of these things for her, but she is friends with his daughter who is the same age, and his wife (my aunt) is also involved. They've half raised the girl since she was 8 so it is quite a different situation.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you (and the girl) and I hope it resolves soon.

Kristina - there's also an issue that some troubled young people simply won't join groups. It is possible for a non-abusive adult to help a young person in an informal way (eg a friend of the adult's own DC who has an unhappy home life). And there are enough stories of predatory people who have joined groups and organisations and abused the kids who attend them. Obviously there are plenty of decent individuals who work with children but all the caring professions (and volunteer organisations) do appeal to a certain type of dangerous egotist, both for the opportunity to prey on children whose complaints can be dismissed as they are 'hard'/'greedy/dishonest''feral' or whatever, and for the status of Pillar Of The Community Wonderful Person. You only have to look at the vile Savile to see that this goes on.

And in this specific case, it does sound as though the girl's mum is either toxic herself or hopelessly neglectful - she has been informed but does nothing.

Just lost the message I tried to post there but in a nutshell it was just to say the girl's mother wasn't aware of the pregnancy scare. My SIL told her and I do not know if this came before any solo trips with my dad.

I do not think he is an abuser, I think it is inappropriate and he us flattered by the attention and I know people get these things wrong but he is my dad and I am allowed to trust him no matter what things look like.

Indeed, SGB, the most troubled and needy teens won't go anywhere near groups . It's a big problem

And of course there are indivuals who help young people in their community . It's how they do it that matters . There is nothing about the OPs fathers behaviour that says to me " nice old man who want to help troubled young girl "

A big red flag for me is the way he has isolated the two of them and their " relationship"

He doesn't invite her round to tea with him and his wife

He doesn't take her and her mum out for coffee or give them money to pay the gas bill or do DIY at their house

He knows she is sexually active but doesn't take her to a YP sexual health clinc, where she can get advice . He takes her to macdonalds and shopping

We've heard nothing about him encouraging her to attend school, do her homework, revise for exams .

It's all about the two of them. He ignores the advice from all his family to stop this . It's red flags all over for me and I think the OP has totally done the right thing is reporting it

Of course you are allowed to trust him OP. You are an adult and responsible for your own safety and for that of your children .

This girl is a vulnerable teen who sounds unable to make good choices and keep herself safe. Even if your father is not abusing her, the next man she gets involved with Is very likely to .

I don't know if your father is abusing her, all I know is that there are a lot of red flags . That's a long way from proof .

You have done the right thing and I hope this girl gets help .

No he doesn't know she is sexually active, my SIL does. She told someone who lives nearby, who told my mum, who told me. She has told my dad she was arguing with her boyfriend there is no suggestion either of them have ever mentioned her being sexually active.

I suppose if my family liked the girl more she may have been invited to family occasions, although maybe not.

twizzle your post is nauseating.

twizzle it is thinking like that that enabled groups of men to get away with raping young girls in places like Rochdale for years.

You are colluding with rapists.

trust some of you to jump to the extreme - how predictable! i am NOT colluding with rapists nor am i enabling 'groups of men to get away with raping young girls in places like Rochdale'! i used to live next door to Rochdale and know more about what was going on there than what the media have told you. Those guys were paedophiles/predators who deliberately targeted vulnerable kids in care homes, foster homes, on the streets and outside schools, and despite what the media have led you to believe they did not exclusively target white girls!

as for what enabled them to prey on vulnerable kids, well, that would be a mixture from some foster carers/guardians who couldn't be bothered to report them when they broke curfew or went missing, to some police officers who couldn't be bothered to look for them due to their attitude of 'oh yea, they're repeat offenders'!, to the social workers/departments that didn't care enough to look into their situations and complaints and move them to safety, to the legal system that kept letting some predators get away with either no jail sentences or lenient sentences when caught, to people in the community (of all races and religions) who preferred to turn a blind eye rather than take a few minutes out of their precious lives to do something about it!

twizzle. With the exception of your last paragraph, I agree with you. It's intervention now that is important.

The girl is a victim, no doubt about it - if abuse has happened then at the hands of her abuser but most definitely from her mother who has let her down in the most shocking of ways. Hopefully SS will take the girl and foster her away from her mother.

I was going to say, ignore the allegations of rapist collusion. Only rapists are responsible for what they do - nobody else. Just ignore...

in the real world things are not always so black and white, that only happens in Mumsnet World. i'm speaking from personal experience and common sense when i say that a lot of kids today are aware of their rights, and some of them know how to use them to their advantage. This situation with the OP's dad feels like one of those situations, that in no way excuses OP's dad or his behaviour, but it is something to consider. i mentioned getting him checked by his GP because there is a possibility that there could be a medical reason behind the change in his personality, it has been known to happen - though i've only seen it happen in the more elderly, usually after strokes or with the onset of Alzheimers etc.

i'll share an experience i had just to give you a little bit of insight of what goes on in the Real World, so you can quit your hysterics: In 2008, a male friend of mine (he was 25 yrs old) came to me with a problem he was having with some teenagers in our area. this gang consisted of six 14-16 year old girls, they saw him as a 'soft target' because he didn't respond to their verbal abuse or hit back when they assaulted him. they kept pestering him to go into the shop and buy alcohol for them, he refused so they would bully him. they were reported to our local PCSO's who 'had words' with them and at one point issued them with ASBO's (for other reported crimes). this didn't stop their behaviour.
he took to switching on his phone recorder each time he saw them approaching. on this particular occasion, after he refused to buy them alcohol yet again, they threatened to report him for 'touching them up' and 'sleeping with my mate even though you know she's underage' - those were their exact words! And they did report him. All of this was recorded on his phone and thank god his phone automatically backed everything up on his internet file because the police did not care, they treated him like he was guilty even though they had proof he wasn't and made his life a living hell. Apparently despite having a taped recording of this gang deliberately setting him up for a crime he did not commit they still had to investigate it as though he were guilty. It was only because of the automatic online backup that his family were able to get the recording to his solicitor (the police refused to release it) who managed to sort it out, it was only because of that recording my friend was proved innocent and wasn't wrongly labelled a paedophile. oh yea, we made sure people in the community hear the taped recording!

so don't try and make out that i don't know what i'm talking about or that i'm somehow enabling paedophiles. i made a lot of phone calls/reports to the police over the years i lived when i lived in Lancashire, i used to see it happen a lot and it was both asian AND english guys that were doing it, it was happening blatantly out in open daylight but the system didn't give a damn! the only time they gave a damn was when the BNP picked up on it and twisted into a political stunt!

so you might want to get your facts correct before slandering me with accusations of enabling paedophilia

Just... I understand what you mean about collusion. Was there any reason why twizzle's post couldn't be queried, couldn't have the 'collusive' points questioned? No, of course not, but it well suits some posters to leap in and attack in a way that is meaningless, except to distract and offend. I'm forever seeing pointless, "This thread is depressing"... What is the point of that? Just a mode for some to post something, anything, but not of any substance?

If we want people to believe that girls can be victims and actually bring other people around to that point of view, being offensive is not the way to achieve that, well I think it does anyway.

Thank you to the posters maryz just balls and others for restoring my faith in some of humanity. I deal with safeguarding in schools and even after the SCR hi-lighting exactly what went wrong in the Jeremy forest case these attitudes continue to be prevalent even in professionals .

I don't want to derail the thread though, mainly lurking in sympathy to the op who appears to be trying her best in a very, very difficult situation for her.

I also speak from experience having myself been in the care system etc .
This is why I feel as I do about this post .
Even children who have actually been abused find it hard to separate the roll of a father or other family member who looked after them with the abuse they suffered at the same hands , it's very hard to come to terms with so I am not surprised people who haven't been abused go through the same confusion tbh
As I said before I hope I'm wrong .