Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My dad and strange relationship with teenage girl

392 replies

Gramparsons · 19/08/2014 20:22

I have name changed for this as it is embarrassing and disturbing and I really don't want to be outed.

In the past few months my dad has befriended a 14 year old girl who lives next door to my brother and nephews. She started tagging along when he was taking them to football training and for dinner after and she now has his number and she calls him to run her here there and everywhere. He thinks this is hilarious. The reaction in the family has gone from eye rolling, to bewilderment and now anger that he will not see sense. My brother used to give her lifts but stopped because people were calling him a pervert.

She phones him up to take her to the takeaway, pick her up from her friends house etc. and a while back he was late meeting me and my mum because she phoned him for a lift into town then when he was going she said 'oh are you not waiting to drop me off home'. She recently called him from a friends house where she had started an argument and she jumped in the car and shouted at him to drive, she rolls down his window and shouts at people, takes his camera to take pictures of herself and he thinks it is all funny.

He is an incredibly stubborn character and says he will not be told what to do. There is nothing going on, nothing wrong. He doesn't care if people are talking about him, he will not change his behaviour for other people. To some extent it's an admirable character trait but for fucks sake, he doesn't get what effect this is having on any body. My mum is embarrassed in case people are talking about her and scared that this girl may accuse my dad of something and it looks pretty much like he is grooming her doesn't it? He is driving her round buying her food (and knowing my dad and how he is generous with his money he will be giving her handouts like he does everybody). He has accused my mum of being jealous, she is angry at the position he is putting her in.

A couple of weeks ago she phoned and asked him to take her to McDonalds and that she had a 'massive favour' to ask him. She wanted him to take her shopping to a city about 3 hours away from us. He has gone today at the crack of dawn. He has now denied she asked, he said she told him she had been arguing with her boyfriend and he said she needed retail therapy. I honestly don't know what is worse. I don't believe there is anything going on, but I am aware it doesn't look that way. She could accuse him so easily. My other brother has said if he is accused of anything he will not be seeing his granddaughter, will not be able to take his grandson's to football. I agree.

My mum is distraught, she says she can barely bring herself to speak to him, she spent last night at my brother's house and had been sleeping in the spare room. I have sent him a text saying I am so angry he is completely disregarding my mum's feelings like this, and he should stop paying for things and see how long it takes her to lose interest. He should be taking his own grandchildren on trips like this, not a pushy hard faced girl he hardly knows. I have a choppy history with him and this is pushing me to the limit. I have had periods of no contact with him but we have grown close since the birth of my first baby.

I don't know what I think is going on. I know he likes to be useful, he goes out of his way to give lifts/run errands for anybody but this is not innocent to me. I don't think she has any interest in him but she is out for what she can get because he is a soft touch. It is making my skin crawl to think about them. I don't know what I want from writing this :((.

OP posts:
vezzie · 21/08/2014 11:13

what about if a policeman was on trial for shooting someone. how would it sound if a juror said "when we convicted him, we had only seen photos of the dead man when he looked quite light, but then afterwards we saw more photos and realised that he was mixed race and effectively black and we regretted it"

hollyisalovelyname · 21/08/2014 11:39

Op well done for reporting. Keep your mouth shut that it was you.for your mother/ brothers sakes.
I thought kaykayblue wrote a brilliant post - i think it was her first post on the thread and worth rereading, particularly the advice re all of you having no contact with him if he continues.
However as SS now involved it may not come to that for you.
Does your dad have girl granchildren of that age?
I know you mentioned boy grandchildren of that age.

JustTheRightBullets · 21/08/2014 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 21/08/2014 11:45

Well done OP, it was really brave of you to call. I hope it works out ok and warns him off.

BringMeSunshine2014 · 21/08/2014 12:19

How are you feeling today Gramparsons?

kaykayblue · 21/08/2014 12:27

I posted yesterday encouraging you to cut contact with your father, and to report what was happening to social services.

I just wanted to come back on and say that you have definitely done the right thing. You don't have to admit to anyone that it was you that made the call - you can just shrug and say "well that's hardly a fucking surprise is it".

Be warned that your mother has quite clearly decided to stick her head in the sand. If she is scared of confronting your father, she may decide to divert her anger at you if she decides it was you who made the call - as it forces her to wake up to what has been going on.

None of this is your fault - on the most literal level possible.

Your father has been behaving appallingly - all of you have called him out on his behaviour, and he hasn't listened. This is a natural consequence of that.

And it really, really is in the best interests of that girl.

Even if her mother doesn't give a shit, social services will be legally obliged to continue the investigation (I believe). I should imagine that a parent not giving a fuck would be a red flag if anything.

ShitStickSugar · 21/08/2014 12:49

6gk

TinklyLittleLaugh · 21/08/2014 13:07

My parents live next door to a very troubled family; abusive father in and out of prison, mother on the game, drug use. On a couple of occasions my Dad has picked up the 14 year old daughter making the long walk home from town in the rain.

My Mum asked him not to; she was worried about the girl making false accusations. My kindly dad saw the sense of it and stopped picking her up. Very sad all round really.

MammaBMamma · 21/08/2014 15:30

I agree with Rebecca.

It sounds like your dad's targeted a young vulnerable girl and is grooming her. The fact that he is putting this girl above the family speaks volumes.

Phone social services and the police.

FacebookWillEatItself · 21/08/2014 15:34

To be fair, it does sound as if the girl has rather targeted him. But he's the adult. He should have the good sense and decency to walk away from it, whatever 'it' is. To be there at the drop of a hat when she makes these requests is to encourage it, even if all of the contact is instigated by her.

JustTheRightBullets · 21/08/2014 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

member · 21/08/2014 16:28

Well done on making the calls OP, it must have been very difficult. Totally agree with forumdonkey and kaykayblue* about not admitting that you've phoned & deflecting accusations of doing so with "it's not a surprise, we tried to tell you this could happen" in RL

Gramparsons · 21/08/2014 16:29

Hello, I have been busy today as my little one has had his one year injections.

I am so sorry JustTheRightBullets I hope you get justice.

I am fine, I feel a lot more settled that something is going to be done. A little on edge perhaps waiting for it all to come out.

hollyisalovelyname he has one granddaughter, she is a toddler. We have tried saying to him how would he feel if she were in that situation as a 14 year old. He said it would babe nothing to do with him and up to my brother to stop her, so sidestepping the issue completely.

My mum said £250 was taken out of the joint bank account the night before the trip. This is par for the course for him as anytime I am shopping with him he will give me some money whether I need it or not. It would be quite normal for him to offer me £100 say and then insist on paying for meals/coffees etc. I have seen him give my brother's friends money for a drink so it's not completely out of character. He doesn't seem to have took in the idea that it looks really bad giving money to a young girl you are not related to though.

My mum also said that the girl had a pregnancy scare recently with her 16 year old boyfriend. She asked my brother's girlfriend to buy her a test. She bought the test and also told her mum about the scare. I don't know how quickly SS will act but my brother has now said he is going to have a word with her mum and that this needs to stop.

OP posts:
Gramparsons · 21/08/2014 16:40

They have each other's numbers, I don't know who initiated that. She always contacts him.

OP posts:
Abilly72 · 21/08/2014 17:25

A dreadful situation for you and your family..there is something wrong with your father for him to be like this and he probably needs someprofessional help of one sort or another.there is real trouble ahead in something is not done.Are there any other senior family members that can have a word with him?

KristinaM · 21/08/2014 17:34

Your family bought a pregnancy test for the 14yo girl that your ( I assume ) 60 something father is in a " strange relathionship " with ????

And no one thought this was inappropriate ??????

< head explodes >

Gramparsons · 21/08/2014 18:27

Don't know how long ago that was KristinaM it has been mentioned to me today from my mum who only found out today, my SIL has informed the girl's mum. I am assuming but I do not know that this is why she has been arguing with her boyfriend. I was highlighting that she is involved in a sexual relationship with her boyfriend and has had a pregnancy scare which her mother has been made aware of yet hasn't curbed her behaviour in any way.

OP posts:
Dragonfly71 · 21/08/2014 18:32

OP, you did the right thing and were very brave. This thread has raised serious issues I just want to encourage people, especially parents to check out the barnardos website which has guides for parents and young people about sexual exploitation. It can happen to any family, not just where parents "don't care".

AWombWithoutARoof · 21/08/2014 19:11

The whole thing is such a car crash, the idea that your next door neighbour's girlfriend would buy you a pregnancy test when you're 14 is just extraordinary, particularly when you're spending so much time alone with her boyfriend's dad.

OP, I know you said the girl wanders freely into your brother's house, so this might be difficult, but I'd say you all need to completely cut contact with this girl and her mother. It's muddying the waters to campaign against your father having an inappropriately intimate relationship with her, yet your brother's girlfriend is right in the thick of it in terms of the girl's sex life.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 21/08/2014 20:47

Have you practiced what you'll say / how you'll react when its known ss are involved.

I don't think there's any need to say it was you as there are so many different people who could have got worried and reported. Don't say too much or over explain, just keep it short and in keeping with the way you've been previously.

I am somewhat concerned by your mother absolving herself of any responsibility or involvement in this whole thing. She does sound very much in victim position but I'd be careful about her hidden loyalties. I would not be surprised if she turned on anyone who 'made her life more difficult' by not colluding in trying to keep the status quo. It's the kind of thing that happens and I'd just make sure you protect yourself a bit too.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 21/08/2014 20:58

By the way the victim blaming continues and it's rather revolting.

OP don't be like some of these posters please. You've been careful not to say much about how you feel about the girl herself, I'm hoping that doesn't disguise an element of 'she provoked him'. Hoping not as you've done the right thing by calling ss. Anyway, it's not you saying this stuff, but other posters.

Honestly, doesn't matter if she's parading naked in front of him pouting lips and swaying hips. Fundamentally, she's a child, and he's an adult. She may understand the basic reaction shes getting (ie gets attention / stuff/ someone who seems to care and approve of her), but her wider understanding of the situation and wider meaning of it all will be beyond her. Thats how children like her get abused and exploited. Thats how children like her get even more damaged and the adults around them let it happen. No blurring of lines or responsibilities. It's all down to him.

Tipsykisses · 21/08/2014 21:19

I've read through the updates on thread & I'm so relieved you reached out for help !
It can't have been easy for you at all but you've done the right thing and I also agree with pp that you have no need whatsoever to admit it was you who called !!

I've noticed a few more posters saying that the child at her age must know what she's doing ?
I'd just like to say again that if this child has previously been abused then this kind of behaviour might be the norm for her .
She's a child and none of us know her life story or what she's been through !

JustTheRightBullets · 21/08/2014 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tipsykisses · 21/08/2014 21:28

Justherightbullets I completely agree!
I have been shocked by so many comments on this thread !

Gramparsons · 21/08/2014 22:21

MiscellaneousAssortment I have to be completely honest and say I don't like the girl and never have. I have always found her pushy, manipulative and rude. To some extent this has coloured my view because I know of things she has done in the past, but I know that the responsibility always lies with the adult. I am clear on that. She could offer herself on a plate and I think any decent man would walk away firstly because if her age but because of her background.

I don't know what to say about my mum. She is trying to find out what is going on, if he is giving her money. She has asked him to stop and he won't. She has asked my brother and SIL to have a word with my dad and the girl's mother. She would never wish harm on a child or brush it under the carpet if it happened. I honestly don't think she would ever think this relationship might be/could become sexual. She is in many ways a very naive person, very unworldly. Sometimes for example when there is a joke on tv about sex or drugs it just goes over her head and she doesn't understand why the rest of us are laughing. I think she is looking at this from a very innocent point of view, that he is spending time with her that he should be spending with his grand kids, that he never takes her anywhere, that people will talk, but she will never for a monument seriously consider he is abusing her.

OP posts: