My dad and strange relationship with teenage girl

[Gramparsons]

I have name changed for this as it is embarrassing and disturbing and I really don't want to be outed.

In the past few months my dad has befriended a 14 year old girl who lives next door to my brother and nephews. She started tagging along when he was taking them to football training and for dinner after and she now has his number and she calls him to run her here there and everywhere. He thinks this is hilarious. The reaction in the family has gone from eye rolling, to bewilderment and now anger that he will not see sense. My brother used to give her lifts but stopped because people were calling him a pervert.

She phones him up to take her to the takeaway, pick her up from her friends house etc. and a while back he was late meeting me and my mum because she phoned him for a lift into town then when he was going she said 'oh are you not waiting to drop me off home'. She recently called him from a friends house where she had started an argument and she jumped in the car and shouted at him to drive, she rolls down his window and shouts at people, takes his camera to take pictures of herself and he thinks it is all funny.

He is an incredibly stubborn character and says he will not be told what to do. There is nothing going on, nothing wrong. He doesn't care if people are talking about him, he will not change his behaviour for other people. To some extent it's an admirable character trait but for fucks sake, he doesn't get what effect this is having on any body. My mum is embarrassed in case people are talking about her and scared that this girl may accuse my dad of something and it looks pretty much like he is grooming her doesn't it? He is driving her round buying her food (and knowing my dad and how he is generous with his money he will be giving her handouts like he does everybody). He has accused my mum of being jealous, she is angry at the position he is putting her in.

A couple of weeks ago she phoned and asked him to take her to McDonalds and that she had a 'massive favour' to ask him. She wanted him to take her shopping to a city about 3 hours away from us. He has gone today at the crack of dawn. He has now denied she asked, he said she told him she had been arguing with her boyfriend and he said she needed retail therapy. I honestly don't know what is worse. I don't believe there is anything going on, but I am aware it doesn't look that way. She could accuse him so easily. My other brother has said if he is accused of anything he will not be seeing his granddaughter, will not be able to take his grandson's to football. I agree.

My mum is distraught, she says she can barely bring herself to speak to him, she spent last night at my brother's house and had been sleeping in the spare room. I have sent him a text saying I am so angry he is completely disregarding my mum's feelings like this, and he should stop paying for things and see how long it takes her to lose interest. He should be taking his own grandchildren on trips like this, not a pushy hard faced girl he hardly knows. I have a choppy history with him and this is pushing me to the limit. I have had periods of no contact with him but we have grown close since the birth of my first baby.

I don't know what I think is going on. I know he likes to be useful, he goes out of his way to give lifts/run errands for anybody but this is not innocent to me. I don't think she has any interest in him but she is out for what she can get because he is a soft touch. It is making my skin crawl to think about them. I don't know what I want from writing this :((.

firstly because io her age but secondly because of her background.

Oh FFS that should say of her age.

Monument should be moment. I need to go to bed...

I think you did the right thing - even if your dad shouts and screams and your mum doesn't want to stand up to him. I really think you did the right thing and that took courage.

Op... You are totally doing the right thing. Don't let anyone dissuade you of that.

Good night Gram :)

Thanks so much for relying to me and taking the time to do that amongst the craziness you must be going through.

I think what you're doing is protecting a child regardless of personal feelings and attachments (or likes and dislikes!). I think it's really easy to do the right thing when the child is little, gentle and cute. Openly defenseless ducklings are easy to coo over and protect the little innocent victims.

But it's an awful lot harder to protect the same level of vulnerability when it comes in a less traditionally 'victim shaped' package. But you still identify her as a potential victim, and react to protect her in the same way. You are prioritizing her well being above any other aspect of her or how she portrays herself.

I actually think that's something to be really proud of. It's easy to say we shouldn't see victims in the narrow way society tells us thy should be. And it's bloody true too! But, it's harder to see all the trappings that culture equates to not being a worthy or true victim, not a person that needs as full protection... Etc. But to see all that, and to know its not the right way to think, lay it aside and do the right thing. That's a big deal.

That's why I'd like to say, in a hopefully non patronizing/ weird way, that I'm proud of you :)

Im afraid you're not likely to get much in real life, but I hope whatever happens, you know you did a really good thing.

You don't think she might have gone "shopping " and actually had an abortion from the alleged pregnancy scare do you ?

That would be even worse, but I suppose that at 14, an abortion wouldn't be performed without a big fuss and the involvement of social services and notification to the parents?

Don't think my dad would have helped in that situation kablooger. I don't know what happened though, I am presuming she was left to shop on her own. There are nearer places if that was the case. I don't know what to think.

Hi. Yes. Just struck me as a possibility. Private abortion etc

If I hear from my SIL she will possibly mention if she came back with clothes or has been talking about where she went. Don't really want to directly ask at the moment so suspicion doesn't fall on me regarding the SS involvement.

Yes, I will just say something akin to 'well I could see this coming a mile off' when I am told SS have been in touch. When will this be though? Will this get treat urgently? It is a bank holiday weekend coming up so I am assuming staff will be on call for only the most urgent cases.

You really want someone who works in child protection to answer that kind of q I think n

And it is true that anyone could have reported it. Your brother and SIL for a start, never mind people in the wider community. You never know, given your dad's bolshy attitude, he might jump to a conclusion that it's someone who 'has it in for him' like a work colleague.

Hopefully it'll be sorted soon.

I sincerely hope that your suspicions about an abortion are unfounded. I shudder to think of this poor girl having to go through this, whether the father is her BF or the OPs father

She could certainly have had a medical ToP without staying overnight and she would not have had to have parental consent. Although of course the adult accompanying her could have claimed to be a parent. And someone would have to have found the money for a private abortion - I'm guessing that wouldn't be a 16yo BF.

I think the pregnancy scare was a red herring. I asked my mum and my SIL was with her when she took the test and she is not pregnant. She informed her mum straight after.

My mum said today she will leave him if this doesn't stop and my brother is going to have a word with him to that end. He just isn't taking her seriously.

Gram you are doing brilliantly in a mind bogglingly difficult situation.

Gramparsons are you able to get access to his mobile phone or computer ?
There may be messages as teenagers prefer txt to calling .
I hope you are ok & that your mum is coping .

Well done for making that call Gram, it was the right thing to do.

As for the SIL buying the girl a pregnancy test, that's not in itself a bad thing - a troubled teenager might well ask an older female friend for help in that situation and an older woman would help out of sympathy. I know I would in such a situation.

As to your dad's inappropriate behaviour - what makes it so obviously wrong is the way he is treating his wife and wider family. If he was involving your mum in helping out this girl and offering her parental or grandparent-style friendship and support, rather than spending hours alone with her in a car, it would be much less of a problem. I don't think much of the advice given elsewhere about how people should 'join groups' to help vulnerable children: unfortunately, that's very much the sort of set up that appeals to egotistical predators.

ha! Agree SGB.

It is very telling that he has no respect for his wife and family, but will go out of his way for this girl's requests.

I disagree SGB. Working within a organisation is much safer for the child and the adult . Like most people , I am suspicious of an older man who decides to " help " a teenage girl by going off on day trips with her , having long one on one chats about her sex life and giving her money

I woudl be less suspicious about someone who decides to help vulnerable children by working through a local or national community group or charity, such as barnardos. It's rather unfair to suggest that the hundreds of thousands of people in the Uk who volunteer with such charities must be " egotistical predators " .

I have worked for childline . We help vulnerable children. I'm not egotistical and I'm not a predator . Neither are the vast majority of people who work with scouts, guides, brownies, woodcraft folk, and all the sports clubs that happen every week up and down the country

All organisations that work with children have child protection procedures , policies and training. Of course nothing is perfect. But they would forbid almost everything that is happening with the OP s father and this child. No one on one days trips , no giving money, no secret meet ups , no texting or Facebook friends .

My children play sport . They are not alone with coaches. The coaches don't have the kids phone numbers, they communicate at all times with the parents. There's usually more than one coach working with a group. They play in a hall which is overlooked by others . They only touch the children when showing them how to do a move. There is no " social " touching of kids ( hugging , back rubs etc ) . There are policies on when and how kids are photographed and recorded and what happens to the images .

It's not a guarantee that no one is an abuser. But the opportunities are less

If I love tennis is and want to encourage YP to play, I would coach at a local club or school . Or join their committee and fund raise. Or give money to a charity which helps kids take up tennis .

I wouldn't take my neighbours handsome 15 year old son on long day trips to talk to him about the joys of tennis. I wouldn't hold his hand while we watched Wimbledon on you tube alone in my house. I would not take him shopping for little white tennis shorts and advise him on the fit . Nor chat to him about his sex life.

The first isn't predatory and egotistical . The second one is .

And re the pregnancy test -it's not a matter of an older female friend helping out

It's the fact that the girls mother knew about the pregnancy scare , so she should have been involved, not a neighbour

And more importantly , that the " older female friend "concerned is a family member of the man who possibly abused the child and created the concerns about pregnancy in the first place .

The first thing any HCP would say to a girl in that situation would be to ask if a parent knew and to suggest they involve them. If not a parent, then another adult relative . Because a negative pregnancy test doesn't solve this girls problems . Really it doesn't .

If she is having what she believes to be consensual sex with her 16 yo BF, they both need advice and access to appropriate contraception . Is she is being sexually abused by a neighbour, she needs protecting and he needs prosecution. None of these will happen after a POAS from the local chemist

I know it's been said by others, but I'm shocked by the victim blaming and misogyny on this thread . No wonder so many children are abused in our society while perpetrators are excused as kindly well meaning people who were just slightly misguided in their desire to help troubled children