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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 79

999 replies

louby44 · 13/08/2014 16:47

Wow! 79 already...

Welcome to all daters, new, experienced or tearing your hair out at the frustration!

OP posts:
louby44 · 21/08/2014 22:43

I'm 5' 10" my limit is usually 6 foot. My exP was 6' 3" and perfect in height

Mr Morrison is 6' 2"

I'm going to have let MrMeetup down! I like chunky broad shouldered guys!

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 21/08/2014 22:45

ursula the only thing that brings me any relief is punishing myself emotionally. I said on a previous thread that I lose respect for anyone who shows any real interest in me. I'm absolutely vile to myself.

Jarlin I can't give him any pointers. He can't make me attractive. There isn't anything he could say or do. Sadly.

I've spoken to my exH tonight. He had CBT after we split and has said he'll pass his resources on and tell me how to use them. I haven't told him what the issue is.

Handywoman · 21/08/2014 22:48

A name, ok, I'll call him JAMES. Is that how we roll on this thread? I can't even believe I'm on this thread! Let alone swooning at the thought of meeting this guy (WTAF). And this is my first ever OD experience which goes beyond a bit of e-mailing. GULP.

OMG I am so not ready, I don't have time to prepare. Somebody slap me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Jarlin · 21/08/2014 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

velouria · 21/08/2014 22:50

Me too handywoman, will call my guy FRANK, omg over text, I would marry him now, he is fabulous, only that darn real life attraction to come lol. I'm so hopeful though he is amazing.

Handywoman · 21/08/2014 22:50

Oh you know what, MrSwoon yep that's gotta be it.

abigamarone · 21/08/2014 23:12

Went on a date tonight despite still having remnants of cold. Seemed a nice enough bloke but absolutely nothing there for me.

dippingtoegently · 21/08/2014 23:29

Hello all (if anyone can remember me from the last day or two.. this moves so fast!) ... well... I have a date with Skier!!! This weekend. Coffee in the afternoon.

What do you wear for weekend afternoon coffee??
And what is the normal length of time?
Let's say it's all going well.. should I make my excuses after an hour or two and make up something I'm doing in the evening?

I have absolutely no clue about this and have also gone from massively excited to suddenly thinking that he must be a psychopath, I've probably told him too much already, and that it will never work out for various reasons so why bother.. and from thinking he's incredibly good-looking to slightly going off him... Hmm

I think I also have that thing where as soon as someone seems keen I immediately go off them..

dippingtoegently · 21/08/2014 23:32

I should add that his suggestion of weekend afternoon coffee threw me.. as we were suggesting coffee near our work (we work in different areas but the same industry and could have arranged something easily..).. I thought that would have been perfect - easy to find something to wear, and a natural time limit.. and if it was awkward we could just talk about work and then run back to it!

Weekend is a whole new ball game... arrrrgggghhhh!!!

dippingtoegently · 21/08/2014 23:48

oh! someone else I was vaguely talking to on and off on the same site just asked me on a date too! I don't know whether to go.. I feel like we haven't got to know each other like me and Skier have..

abigamarone · 21/08/2014 23:54

I think I also have that thing where as soon as someone seems keen I immediately go off them..

I know that feeling well.

Meet both of them! (Separately) sometimes you can enjoy yourself more the less you know about them.

dippingtoegently · 22/08/2014 00:00

True Abigamarone, I could just meet both and see what happens. I'm without my kids this weekend so if I'm going to meet anyone now is the time to do it.

FolkGirl · 22/08/2014 00:04

Just had a long chat with my exH.

He's talked through the CBT resources he used and has pointed me in the direction of.

He's well aware of all my 'issues' and is the only person I can talk about some of it with and he can help me break down some of the thinking.

I don't know if it will work, but he said he's happy to be my sounding board if it helps. I'm still not sure though. I mean, just because I stop thinking something is true doesn't mean it isn't...

Pinklaydee1302 · 22/08/2014 00:25

Dipping toe yes I too have that 'toonicegoingoffthem' syndrome too.

Yes Jarlin our mr swoons turned quickly into mr poof pretty quick didn't they?Hmm

Well I am in a pickle...two guys I really like for very different reasons both want to take me out on Saturday afternoon (my only free day) Confused

Guys are like buses....

girliefriend · 22/08/2014 09:13

Ahh folk it makes me feel so sad to hear you being so unkind to yourself Sad

It makes sense about you being a perfectionist as that is what the difference is between us I think. I also don't in anyway think I am Gods gift to women but it doesn't matter I know I am basically a good person, so what if I don't look like a supermodel? It doesn't really matter and the only person you hurt by being horrible about yourself is yourself which seems totally pointless. Also I think you need to be careful about what messages your dd might poss pick up on, she will I am sure pick up on your negativity about yourself and potentially copy that thought pattern herself which I am sure is the last thing you would want.

Agree CBT would help but you would have to be willing to let go of all the negativity and accept that you are o.kay and a good person.

Sorry that turned into a bit of a rant!

I slept okay last night but am still feeling emotionally and physically drained. Also feeling really sad that I am back to square one and am the only single 30 something girl I know (apart from you lot obv Wink )

The more I think about it though the more I know it was the right thing to do, there were lots of little things for example he would quite often take something I had said or suggested and turn it round to make it look like it was his idea. He also liked to be in control which I found really difficult to manage. I felt like I was disappearing slowly and found myself thinking about how much better I felt when I was single.

Its hard though as I am going to miss him, will have to meet up with him in a couple of weeks as we still have some stuff of each others that we need to exchange. Not sure what I feel about that...

UrsulaBuffay · 22/08/2014 09:47

Folk. Believe me when I say I know what it's like to mentally self flagellate. I've done it since I was a child. I've been in a deep depressive state earlier this week because I had to look at my back. It disgusted me that much. I do believe though, when I'm not in a slump, that most people probably don't see exactly what I see or at least don't judge it so much and it's a passing thing. I honestly think that even if certain aspects of me are ugly or unwelcome that if I can stop thinking negatively about them my life will be easier and happier. Yeah they may still be ugly but my brain will be free.

jesy · 22/08/2014 10:37

Fwb night update

Nice night we went to the pool and then he cooked roast beef type sandwiches.

Slight issue in bedroom and I felt bad we had to stop I'm not sure if this is right place it could do with some advice

Handywoman · 22/08/2014 10:40

Oh poor you Jesy do u want to elaborate?

jesy · 22/08/2014 11:01

Sorry if this is tmi
We'd had sex twice and he likes to make me come before we have sex, as well any way we t to go again and he said did I want to try that posistions I shown him in a magazine I said I yes and it was great but we had to stop as it was painful
He was really understanding and we just kissed and cuddled after
It I felt awful as he so attentive , but basically I was slightly self conscious of way I looked and him be I g so deep ,after my ex did something similar I was very sore up there and noticed that I'd then leak wee when I sneezed sorry to be so gross
I don't know if to discuss it further with him ,he keeps me very happy in thAt way

UrsulaBuffay · 22/08/2014 11:06

Jesy don't worry about it, some positions can be painful and vary depending on the time of the month because your cervix will move position. If you didn't enjoy it I'm sure he won't think it's him just say you didn't like that position. My FWB asked me if he hurt me when we had sex because one time it was near my period and it sorta did. I felt bad he blamed himself and assured him it wasn't usually like that and that I obviously enjoy what we get up to!

Handywoman · 22/08/2014 11:13

Feeling like my lovely chat with MrSwoon was all a dream! So very very very weird! He text me this morning at 7:45h

So weird!!!!!!

jesy · 22/08/2014 11:13

He knows my ex hurt me it was an accident tho, but I feel awkward as they sort of mates.
He asked if I was ok this morning and joked he was huge trying to make light of it.
But I do worry i dont do enough I. Bed for him

FolkGirl · 22/08/2014 11:24

girlie Thank you. I read something last night that really made me think: Strive for excellence, not perfection . I think that's something I perhaps need to think about. I'm never going to be 'perfect', so I need to try and find a way of being the best version of me that I can be. But even that feels huge!

As far as my daughter goes, I don't say negative things about myself in front of her and wouldn't dream of making comments about her. Besides, she's completely different to me in every way. She's going to be beautiful when she's older Wink

I really admire your strength as far as smallfeet is concerned, too. Smile

Ursula You are right, of course. And I'm sorry you've had a tough week too. I've just gone right back to feeling like I don't have a right to be loved or to expect it, and I don't have a right to expect someone to be faithful to me. It should be enough for me that someone is willing to be in a relationship with me in the first place. Expecting respect etc just seems like an ask too far. Like I want the moon on a stick or something!

It's my ugly aspects that I feel the most ashamed of. Like how could anyone look at me and find me attractive when there is X or Y to contend with?

I think you're right, though. I need to stop thinking negatively about myself though. Those things will still be 'ugly' but I won't be governed by them quite so much...

Anyway. It's the last week of the summer hols next week. I'm going to exercise every day, watch what I eat and try and kick start myself into some good habits for September.

FolkGirl · 22/08/2014 11:30

jesy I don't think you need to worry. You don't need to worry about doing enough "for him" in bed. You should both enjoy it, surely?

It doesn't sound as though he's an arse, like your ex, and was probably just concerned you were uncomfortable.

UrsulaBuffay · 22/08/2014 11:30

Jesy I get that I had a hard time at first recalling someone who hurt me and associating it, tbh being a bit more empowered in terms of sex helped. But then I'm naughty I watch quite a bit of porn Shock so I think with FWB I act it a little bit, I do enjoy it though. I don't know how I will be when I'm with someone where there are feelings involved though!