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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 79

999 replies

louby44 · 13/08/2014 16:47

Wow! 79 already...

Welcome to all daters, new, experienced or tearing your hair out at the frustration!

OP posts:
dontcallmehon22 · 21/08/2014 15:40

Sorry to hear that he reacted like that folk. A lot of these men do seem unable to cope with emotion/honesty.

FolkGirl · 21/08/2014 16:05

Oh no, he wasn't being cruel or unfeeling. It was on the back of a day of 'talking' in which I decided to be honest with him and tell him how I feel about myself. He was sad. He said he hates the fact that I feel so bad about myself, and wants to be able to make me feel better but, ultimately, it isn't his place to fix me. Is it?

He does deserve better than me. If he does love me as much as he says he does, then he should be giving that love to someone who can see and receive and feel it. I told him that I hoped if I pretended it wasn't how I felt about myself, then I could make the insecurities go away. But I couldn't. And he needs to protect himself, too. I told him when we met that no one had ever loved me - parents, boyfriends, husband, whoever... but I don't think he believed me. When people tell you who they are, believe them. Right?

dont you're right. It is/was full of heartache, but I don't know how much of it is him and how much of it is me. I don't know how to be loved. I don't recognise it. I don't know if that's what he feels or not. I don't know if it's a beautiful, amazing thing that I have to just let in, or if they are just words he's saying with nothing behind them. I just don't know.

He hasn't ended it yet. But I think the no contact this week has been his way of starting to detach emotionally. And I don't blame him. If the situation were reversed, you'd all be telling me there were red flags flying all over the place.

I feel so desperately sad. But I don't know how to change how I feel about myself. Or even if I should try. What if I'm right? What if I'm right and everyone else is wrong.

My biggest fear now is that he will contact me and says that he loves me and wants to make it work. I can't do it.

SingleSock · 21/08/2014 16:11

Hi all. Been trying to post for ages but I'm not getting on so well with the new MN layout Hmm.

Folk, I'm also sorry to read your update. I know it's not nearly on the same level, but I really relate to the last couple of lines of your post. I have resigned myself to the fact that Mr Tall has lost interest but I can't bring myself to text him and call it off. I'm just waiting for him to confirm he doesn't want to continue. He still hadn't text me since yesterday in response to my text. Not sure whether to just leave it or try and touch base with him every couple of days with a brief text? I'm certainly not agonising like I was before though.

I spoke on the phone with Mr Tall -1 last night for over an hour and it wasn't awkward or forced at all. Still intrigued as to whether I will find him attractive as he looks so different on each if his photos. He's also messaging me a lot about how attractive he finds me and I've told him to knock it off as I don't like it. I think we're going on a date tomorrow night but no firming up of plans as yet.

girliefriend · 21/08/2014 16:13

Hi everyone, well for everyone that knows me (that would be namely Jarlin folk and dont Wink ) I am sorry to report that the holiday with Smallfeet didn't go too well, we broke up this morning Sad

Had been getting more and more unsure over the last few weeks and think putting as together in a caravan for a few days confirmed what I already thought - that we are just worlds apart and not compatible in the long term.

Was really hard telling him as he was so upset but I feel like it was the right thing to do and I couldn't have gone on as things were - it was making me ill.

I have no regrets though, the last 10 months have been great. He is a nice guy and will make somebody a lovely partner. I think I have learnt lots and it has helped clarify a bit more what I am looking for in a partner. Although saying that am going to stay single for a while and am looking forward to having my old single girl independence back!!

FolkGirl · 21/08/2014 16:27

So sorry to hear that, girlieSad

You sound pretty contented with the decision, but still, it's a decision you'd rather not have reached, I'm sure.

So sorry that you, Jarlin and me couldn't make it to the 1 year mark.

I'm so weary now, though. And when he told me that he loved me, it just made me feel bigger, and fatter and uglier.

dontcallmehon22 · 21/08/2014 16:37

So sorry girlie

Sounds like it was the right decision but endings are always sad.

Getting nervous about my date with blondegeeky tomorrow.

FolkGirl · 21/08/2014 16:43

Good luck for tomorrow, dont sounds like it's gone well so far, so fingers crossed for you.

He emailed me. Nice enough, but not saying anything. We'd originally planned to spend this weekend together, but don't suppose that's happening now. He's not said what he's doing, either way. I don't know whether I'm supposed to assume the weekend is off because of everything, or whether I'm supposed to assume it's still on and that's when we're talking. I feel so sad and tired. And confused.

louby44 · 21/08/2014 16:49

girlie sorry about your breakup! What was it that made you realise it wouldn't work long term?

I have my date tonight with the guy from my meetup group! I was out last night with my friend drank too much so tonight I'd prefer to stay in and slob out. But he seems really nice and very keen so I will meet him for a drink and see what happens. Only reservation is he's the same height as me. Not ideal for me.

Still talking Mr morrison via phone and text! He's lovely!

OP posts:
dontcallmehon22 · 21/08/2014 18:13

It does sound impossibly confusing, folk.
Good luck on your date louby.

Jarlin · 21/08/2014 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WoodenTopps · 21/08/2014 19:18

folk longtime lurker here.

What do you get out of feeling so crap about yourself?

From what I'm reading your boyfriend wants you/adores you/fancies you/wants to help you start to feel better about yourself.

Sometimes good stuff happens, even to you Smile

FolkGirl · 21/08/2014 20:49

wooden I don't get anything out of it. It's just how I feel. I don't know how to feel any differently.

I am beginning to realise it's a form of emotional self harm, though. I'm a perfectionist and I'm not perfect. I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I'm not perfect. I'm frustrated and disgusted with myself that I can't become perfect. And so I punish myself for it.

It all feels so deeply entrenched, I don't know how to feel differently. I've felt like this for more than 25 years, at the very least. I really want someone, anyone, to tell me how to feel differently. I don't know where/how to start, or if I should. I've been rejected for CBT by the NHS.

Jarlin I don't know. I feel like I can't end it and he has to do that. And while he doesn't, I feel compelled to stick with it to try and understand exactly what's going on. I've told a couple of people in real life and their attitude is that it would be a shame to throw something away because of how I feel about myself. It does just feel like hard work now, though. I wish he hadn't moved. I wish he lived closer. I wish I was better. I wish he'd just end it.

UrsulaBuffay · 21/08/2014 21:16

Folk do you have anything you do that helps you to let it go? Something for relaxation like meditation that releases the emotional thought milling? I've just had a deeply irrational dunk in my depression the past week and I feel such a release today that it's lifting. Sometimes we get so entrenched in our thoughts and feelings that they seem impossible, they seem everything. When really they aren't there.

Jarlin · 21/08/2014 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

velouria · 21/08/2014 21:49

Yay I have a date with the guy I'm chatting to who seems basically perfect for me, I do hope he is not a big old bullshitter, but tbh he writes loads of long messages to me, we get on so well. I'm not exactly a supermodel so not entirely sure he would go to such lengths to get a shag, something he said today was so lovely, I may have gone and had a little cry Blush.

Need to detach a bit I know aaaagh.

Handywoman · 21/08/2014 21:50

OK all, I am bowling in on this thread rudely, because after 14yrs married to a low-level EA knob, 1year two months of separation, some activity on match I have just somehow, rather strangely, got off the phone to a lovely lovely chap and I HAVE A DATE TOMORROW NIGHT OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

WHAT. DO. I. DO????????

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All my mates are away this weekend - HELP!!!!!!

Handywoman · 21/08/2014 21:54

o

m

g

Jarlin · 21/08/2014 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Handywoman · 21/08/2014 22:18

I am beside myself, can't believe how excited I am - he has the most gorgeous voice and is just lovely to chat to. I currently have a broken ankle so will be sporting socks and sandals (only thing I can fit into) hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

IMNOTYOURBABES · 21/08/2014 22:22

What's he like, Handywoman?

I'm chatting to someone on pof, it's a bit slow going, english is his second language. And he's younger than me Grin

louby44 · 21/08/2014 22:26

Back from my date. Lovely guy, really easy to talk to, nice personality, dressed well, smelt good but he's my height! I can only ever wear flat shoes. And I can't go through life never wearing heels.

He presumed we would see each other again, didn't even really ask me lol!

He's already text me to ask me what I'd like to do next! How do I tell someone you're lovely but too short! It's so mean!

If he was 2/3 inches taller I would be majorly interested. I could see him again a few times but that wouldn't be fair!

OP posts:
Handywoman · 21/08/2014 22:26

dreamy!!!! gorgeous scottish accent, charming, well educated, works in central london, great sense of humour. We chatted for an hour and it was effortless and fun!!!

O.M.Actual.G!!!!!!!!

Handywoman · 21/08/2014 22:28

he has a dd the same age as my youngest and lives relatively near, plus separate almost exactly the same length of time.

I need to Get a GRIP!!!!!!! Smile

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 21/08/2014 22:35

Louby, aren't you 5'10? (Or am I thinking of someone else). Your pool of men will be so small if they have to be 6'1 at least. How do you do it?

IMNOTYOURBABES · 21/08/2014 22:42

Grin at Handywoman. He needs a name.
Im calling pof guy JIMI.

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