Oh no, he wasn't being cruel or unfeeling. It was on the back of a day of 'talking' in which I decided to be honest with him and tell him how I feel about myself. He was sad. He said he hates the fact that I feel so bad about myself, and wants to be able to make me feel better but, ultimately, it isn't his place to fix me. Is it?
He does deserve better than me. If he does love me as much as he says he does, then he should be giving that love to someone who can see and receive and feel it. I told him that I hoped if I pretended it wasn't how I felt about myself, then I could make the insecurities go away. But I couldn't. And he needs to protect himself, too. I told him when we met that no one had ever loved me - parents, boyfriends, husband, whoever... but I don't think he believed me. When people tell you who they are, believe them. Right?
dont you're right. It is/was full of heartache, but I don't know how much of it is him and how much of it is me. I don't know how to be loved. I don't recognise it. I don't know if that's what he feels or not. I don't know if it's a beautiful, amazing thing that I have to just let in, or if they are just words he's saying with nothing behind them. I just don't know.
He hasn't ended it yet. But I think the no contact this week has been his way of starting to detach emotionally. And I don't blame him. If the situation were reversed, you'd all be telling me there were red flags flying all over the place.
I feel so desperately sad. But I don't know how to change how I feel about myself. Or even if I should try. What if I'm right? What if I'm right and everyone else is wrong.
My biggest fear now is that he will contact me and says that he loves me and wants to make it work. I can't do it.