Dating thread 79

[louby44]

Wow! 79 already...

Welcome to all daters, new, experienced or tearing your hair out at the frustration!

Just block him Lottie unless you want an ONS. He's telling you who he is.

IME three things seem common in the world of OD. The first is launching into sex talk to see if you are going to be up for it from day one. Another tactic is to talk for weeks, often with daily contact which builds a sense of intimacy and connection...again in the hope of having sex from the off. The last tactic is often combined with at least one of the other two but involves regular contact stopped and then when you least expect it they pop up again from nowhere like a long lost friend. This is designed I believe to make you feel slightly off balance and confused but relieved they are still wanting to know you. All of these tactics are designed (IMO) to make you vulnerable and malleable.

There's a difference though, between a question about having sex on the beach in the conversational context of sand being an issue, and a random. 'Fancy having sex in a car?' When you've been talking about bakery or TV shows or something. One could be an open question from someone who is okay to talk about sex openly, not as a taboo subject. The other is tacky and objectifying.

Mentioning the word 'sex' isn't a crime, I don't think . The context here could be relatively innocent, so to speak. I'd say it's an amber flag without knowing more about the conversation and the guy.

But, if it seems tacky then just say 'yes' and then block

Not sure now. He sent me a rather vague email and now I haven't heard from him again.

I don't think he appreciated me asking him about it. I think I was supposed to just accept what he said without question, and now he thinks I'm insecure.

I am. But that's not the issue here. He thinks he said, "I love you" and that that means everything is ok. And I should have just trusted him.

I really don't think I'm cut out for being in a relationship. He said again that he sees me as his future. But I can't have a future with someone who makes me feel so insecure. I don't think he intends to. But I don't think he understands how I feel.

I told him a bit today about how I feel about myself and some of the stuff my ex husband said/did and the impact it had. I've probably scared him off anyway. I wouldn't have told him but I just couldn't not tell him any longer. There's no point pretending I'm something I'm not. I wasn't quite as candid as I've been on here at times, but I did tell him that I don't feel good enough and that I don't feel attractive. He said that I am and he loves me and doesn't want me to be unhappy.

But I've been distracted and unable to focus all day.

I just wish I knew how to feel less shit about myself. I know someone mentioned CBT the other day but the NHS have already rejected me for that and I had to pay for counselling myself. I'm not as bad as I was, but I'm not better or good.

I have 3 regular hobbies through which I meet lots of people of all ages. A couple of them have led to lots of other things and opportunities. A lot of my friends think I have a really exciting life! I don't really. I have friends who have far more exciting lives than I do! But I know different people through my hobbies and all push me outside of my comfort zone at times.

I lost some weight (still have a stone to go); I started paying more attention to what I wear and I think I usually look ok in that respect; I get my hair cut and coloured regularly and that looks better. I'm usually happy and positive outwardly so I smile a lot, I look happy. But it's not enough.

LittleBlueMouse - you are absolutely correct. The original people I met were exactly as you describe. This guy has now gone onto talking about books. I'm not keen to put myself in a situation where people are weird with me again. I do see it as their problem and not mine though which helps

You make us sound like we're following some grand plan and have it all worked out, LBM. I really don't think we do

Some men are out for a quick shag. Some will be devious and lie and mislead. But I think most men are just bumbling through life, without machinations and schemes. We do what occurs to us without sitting down and saying 'if I don't call get till Thursday, she'll be 30% more grateful that I did'

We don't want to appear vulnerable or needy, and our chemistry is different so sex can lessen a bond rather than strengthen it. We're at the mercy of our hormones and parentally - inflicted neuroses too. And we're less sensitive and empathic. Not actively evil

I only had sex with one of the original ones because I haven't had it for months and do have a high sex drive. I don't feel used - I got what I wanted out of it at that time. But now I want to take my time a bit and not meet any more creepy sexy pests.

Sex pests

LBM is so right though. Both of the original men I spoke to were like this. They are intellectual types and tried to convince me that they were actually interested in my take on things and what I have read, watched what my interests are etc. after the first one met me, all that went out the window and he blew my phone up for days with messages about me dressing up for him and going to elite swingers clubs and was phoning me in the middle of the night.

The other one also sees me only objectively, also after trying to convince me that we have SOOO bloody much in common.

Lottie it is definitely their issues, not yours

I am still fending off a weird stalker type that I met three times. I didn't even kiss him, so why now he thinks it's ok to message me "I need you to entertain me this afternoon because my c**k is hard" I will never fathom. I can't block on a windows phone. So I am stuck with this blithering from a sex starved numpty.

Folk it would seem that he too is insecure from what you have said about the other weekend when he made out that he had a date. He feels threatened by the fact you have a life and friends and a family of your own. He feels small and inferior because he spends his time watching films whilst you have hobbies and interests, not just interests but things that require you to be quite accomplished and talented.

I really think (I might be wrong) that this continuing to talk about his ex girlfriends is his way of trying to build himself up and validate himself. Of course it doesn't and never will make you trust him.

LMAO - I too have a windows phone. The last guy keeps requesting 'bedtime material' it's very annoying not to be able to block people.

Lottieandmia - I love the 'sexy pests' title!!!

He also said 'In the past people just stopped answering my calls and I find it upsetting' er, I wonder why?

I also recognise these 'techniques' and even now when I call them on it they persevere, this very wkend a guy from London was supposedly coming up here to meet I told him to stop making out he was ever going to do so but he went on and on about which date he should come. Dropped off the planet.

Bant, don't pull that evopsych and natural science shit I would argue that social conditioning plays a far larger part in the evolution of "men" As for sex lessening a bond, what bond is there when you are "hunting" out your prey. The bond is in your head (well not yours particularly) and it is men who have subjected women to marriage and monogamy in the name of controlling women's fertility and ensuring they know their progeny. Women could just as easily get up after doing the deed and say "thanks mate I'm off" its only society, religion and structural inequality over 100s of years that have meant women have clung on to the shirt tails of their sexual partners. Its now so conditioned into all of us that we believe this behaviour is natural. Its not, its social and cultural.

Completely agree LBM

I don't think sex bonds me to a man but the bullshit they tell me does!

Ursula

It's true! One guy I have sex with a lot and he doesn't tell me anything sweet at all, another drops in all the 'you're so cute' 'this is why we're so well matched' 'this is a good start' (when I say he makes me laugh) and it leads me on.

Yes, its the bullshit, game playing, protestations and the way that you are led to believe that they want a relationship. Of course, most men probably do want a relationship but OD and modern life encourages certain actions over others. We are headed into dantes inferno (she says as a feminist) and it is probably necessary but painful but its transitional. Women want sexual liberation, men say great we want some of that and suddenly relationships and exclusivity are out the window. Except most of us still want what our parents had. Marxism actually sums this up with its theory of residual, dominant and emergent culture. The residual=marriage, the dominant = options of either, the emergent = ONS and atomisation/individuation.

Right, enough of my rambling.

LBM I think you might be right. And he's said things that point to it, now I think about it.

The sad thing is, I think we're just terribly bad for each other.

I'm feeling sad and insecure, and he's 'responsible' for some of that. But equally, he seems to be sad and insecure and I seem to be causing it. I care about him very deeply, I haven't done anything to give him reason yo doubt or mistrust me. Yet he does.

The thing that annoys me is the Madonna:whore thing. They want the best sex they ever had but they want sweet too. They cannot comprehend that we are fully able to provide both of these things!

Well I went on a last minute date tonight and the guy I met was so utterly gorgeous and I couldn't believe it as his pictures didn't suggests he was as nice as he actually was.

We were out for two hours had a nice time made me laugh etc, everything about him I liked and just kept imagining kissing him and that has not happened to me for soooooo long!

Anyway dropped me off home had a little snog in the car and then I walked in on air.

Anyway I messaged him on the site as we'd not even had chance to exchange numbers saying 'had a great time here's my number if you want to do it again' - he's read the message but no reply!

Not sure what to think now...

Anyone offer any idea, seemed to really connect

So had quite a good date with Mr crush! Mr POF messaged me earlier today telling me that he wasn't going to use POF anymore as he really likes me and wants to see how things develop with us....so of course I've had a little look to see if he's been online since, and of course he has :( a good five hours after he promised me 'no more' as well. I'm going to give it a day or so to see if he's just been on to tie up lose ends, or if he's taking me for a dickhead and still going on there to chat to girls....