Would anyone consider taking him back?

[parisinspring]

I am so confused and wanted to get some advice from someone outside of the situation on what I should do.

I was in a long term relationship with a man who was was kind, affectionate, generous, funny, gentle, giving, supportive. He was my best friend and we had a wonderful romantic life. We were together for three years, living together for two.

He was so supportive to me in the last year when I lost my job and took 8 months to find a new one and supported me financially and emotionally through. He was also a very loving stepfather to my two children (now 8 and 10). He had his own children (now 7 and 9) who are fantastic, and I loved them as did my kids.

The only problem was his ex wife. My ex partner always put her first. He kept saying he could not risk losing his children, but it got to the point of being ridiculous and I never really said anything because I didn't want him to have to choose between me and his kids - which was how he saw it.

The ex wife lived with her new husband (who she left my ex partner for) but yet she made our lives as miserable as possible. Constantly telling my ex that he had made his children feel replaced by living with me and my kids and laying guilt on him and constantly letting us live under the threat of not being able to see the kids.

She made it impossible for us to ever go out as a couple by ensuring we had the kids every weekend and also ensuring it was not acceptable for us to get a babysitter. Things like this made it really hard for us to enjoy our lives like normal people.

It culminated in the end when she decided one of her kids was sad because she thought he had been replaced by my kids in their fathers affection (even thought he bent over backwards to make his kids feel special to the point where he favouritised them and caused arguments) and she banned her kids from seeing mine.

This went on for two months (during which time he went every weekend with his kids to his parents house) and it put a lot of strain between us.

I told him eventually that it couldn't go on like this and that he was going to have to deal with it. He told me he loved me and was going to "have it out with her" and when he came back he was crying, said it was hopeless and told me he was sorry but it was over.

He packed his bags the next morning and left. He wouldn't talk about it, he had just made his mind up. He was cold after that and really refused contact with me for a very long time because he needed time and space to "get over it".

This happened 11 months ago and I have hardly seen or spoken to him since.

It was really painful for me and my kids, and his kids too who I hear were hit very hard by it too and I hear that his kids still ask for us and my kids still constantly ask for his. He's never let them see each other. He thought it was easier to make a clean break.

Without making this too long, it was the hardest thing I have ever been through and would not wish it on my worst enemy.

He was also devastated and I have heard from many people he was crying for months and didn't go out and even needed time off work and was signed off with depression. He's not met anyone else or moved on at all and neither have I.

He is now back in contact and is saying how sorry he is and that he has been in counselling and realising he should have stood up to his ex wife and put me first and he says he has never loved anyone the way he loves me and would do anything for another chance. He says he want to marry me.

I still love him, but I don't now where to begin with how complicated this decision is.

There are kids to think of, so many bridges were burned (my family and friends hate him because of what he did), and then there's all the trust gone and how much he hurt me.

I am torn between wanting him back so much and having no idea how to make this work even if I wanted to. It's not like there is a re-set button.

Is there a way back or is it better to forget and try and move on?

Paris -I don't think he sounds like a bad person at all. I think he sounds like a person who has no internal moral compass, who doesn't ask " what is the right thing to do in this situation ? "

He asks himself " what will make me look good /stop me looking bad in front of other people ? "

Which is workable if everyone in your life thinks the same. But when you wanted him to do one thing and his ex wanted him to do the opposite, he just tore himself apart . It was impossible to look good in front of you both. You can't, as they say, keep everyone happy . No wonder he had a breakdown

If he punished one child for being naughty , they would be angry with him , so he didn't. Then the others were angry at him for being unfair. It wasn't about what right for the kids -it's about everybody thinking how great he is .

Because you loved him and didn't want to see him so conflicted, you were always the one who " gave in " to his ex ( supposedly ). But you were, of course, actually always giving in to him . His ex " wouldn't allow " you to get a babysitter. Really? How exactly would she have stopped you ? Would she have stopped the children going to their dads every weekend ? you have said how much she enjoyed having a social life . And if she had stopped access, your ex could have gone to court .

But HE didn't want her to be angry at him. He worried what the people in the village would thing of him if he went to court . Because obviously their views were more important that you .

You gave him his own way, all the time, every day for years. Unlike his difficult and demanding ex, you were always accommodating and obliging. But he still left you

No wonder you are angry .

No. He is not over his ex-wife, no matter if he is in denial about this, its as plain as day. If you go back he will be the man you want him to be for a few months, then the whole fiasco will start again. He will cause you immense emotional stress and leave again anyway. Ive been there..he will waste your years for nothing. & besides a man as indecisive as this can never be of use to you..essentially he put himself first, rather than you and your children, and his children. You are right - you must be able to completely rely on someone and you can't rely on him. Its sad..but its life, I guess. Life isnt a triall - he's shown you who he is already, so believe him. Talk is cheap when it isnt backed by actions. I got the "Ive been in counselling" line too. He still wouldnt stand up to his ex tho. I left him long ago, as painful as it was, and his ex is still playing him like a fiddle via their child. No matter what, I could never let that be my future. It will take time but all will work out well for you without his emotional baggage impacting negatively on your life

Paris, it think you're struggling to make a decision because you have canvassed opinion on here and got so many responses. I am sad that so many are urging you to leave him and telling you what a vile selfish individual he is. only you can decide that, only you know him, and only you know how you feel when faced with either life with him or life without him.

I urge you to take time off MN now to make your decision. the decision that is right for you and your dc. I would also advise you to consider the cries of walk away with caution. MN is sadly the online version of a pack of baying wolves wanting blood. I only had to mention one incident in my 10yr relationship with dh and have had several MN'ers launch in to tell me I am stupid, gullible and lucky to not be living in a cardboard box under a bridge. utter rubbish spouted by people who purport to know my mind, my dh, and my relationship better than I do. I did not ask for opinions but the wolves descended on that nugget and started to rip me and mine apart.

i wish you all the bedt for the future and hope everything works out for you the way you want it to, whatever that may be. xxx

Thanks Billy and all. TBH when I posted this I titled it "would anyone consider taking him back?" because I figured most people would think I was mad to even think of it.

It's good to have the differing viewpoints and also a lot of good points made to me and I need to go away and consider them all, read and read again, make a list of my questions, what my expectations would be and make sure I am practical and careful.

For now I have left it with him that he has to get himself better before we can even really talk, and he understands and is going to continue treatment for the depression, therapy and all that.

I don't have a decision yet, but don't intend to make one for a long time. The advice here has been really helpful from everyone who's given it.

best of luck, paris

I wish you the best of luck too, Paris. Not easy.

Just wanted to thank you all for everything you said to me and all the help you gave me.

I've had a really long think and have taken all the information in and decided not to take him back.

I think it's what I wanted for so long that it was hard to see clearly or past the fantasy where I could go back to life as it was, but I think I would be taking back something else other than what I had.

I'd always be sitting at the dinner table looking at him and remembering what he did. Or wondering if every time we had an argument or a stressful time or some sort of problem if he was going to leave.

I do forgive him, but I don;t think I could / would ever forget all the times I was crying and asked to speak to him and he brushed me aside like I never existed.

I don;t think I could give him another chance with my kids only to risk him doing it again. He already showed us we were second to his own kids and his ex wife - whereas in my head we were all one family and none were expendable to me in the way we were to him.

I don't think he loves me, or ever did, the way that I love him because deep down I don't think he could have done what he did. I want to be with someone who loves me just as much, who puts me first (or equal at least) and who would never leave me or hurt me because I think not having that is worse than being alone.

I did love him properly, more than I ever had anyone and we had a great life and wonderful times and while there's a second chance after any mistake - maybe he had a second chance every day for 11 months and never wanted it. I think that's just too long.

Thank you to all of you for helping me make this decision.

I haven't told him yet, I'm just taking some time to cry and be alone and I will let him know soon.

I was actually offered a job somewhere quite far away and was thinking of taking it for a fresh start.

Feeling really low and sad, but I also know I'd probably feel the same if I took him back and I can't see ever feeling better unless I do the hard thing and make a new start.

Sorry to hear you are feeling sad Paris and I will avoid saying you are doing the right thing by finishing this for good, because no one really knows do they..

However, you saying that you won't forget the times you were so upset day after day and he brushed you aside - to me that means he meant more to you, than you did to him. You would have gone out of your way not to hurt him I am sure, yet he let you suffer.

The job opportunity does sound like just that... an opportunity for you, and I wish you lots of luck.

Sorry you are sad, but I think you are making the right decision for you but mostly for your children

The message it would give them if you took someone back who had treated them so appallingly would be a very damaging one, IMO

I think you've done the right thing OP. I can't see it working this time round - you would be more alert to the fact that he treats his own children better than yours and it would make you more angry in the context of his having abandoned them. Furthermore every time you have an argument or he talks to his ex, you'll wonder if he'll walk out again. You would live on edge. If your children were grown up and you wanted to take the risk alone, it wouldn't be a great idea but you would only be responsible for yourself; I don't think you can risk it for your children's sake.

I also think you're right that if he'd called you after a month it might have been fixable, but almost a year - it's too long, the damage is done.

I really feel for you because you clearly loved him a lot. You have been very sensible and very brave - stay strong.

Take the job if it looks like a good adventure for you and the children, but be careful you aren't doing it to 'run away' and in the process lose the friends and support you have where you are now. Think carefully (again - you poor thing!).

It will be hard to tell him, but you can do it, be strong.

Good luck Paris. One day you will look back and see that this was the start of something in your life, not the end of something.

Trinklestein that was my exact thoughts. I think if I went back everything I used to be tolerant about I'd no longer be tolerant about and I'd be angry for months, maybe years and chances are he might do it again.

He ruined it really. Just too badly.

Yes without kids I'd give him another chance but not with them. Would be too unfair.

Thanks StandsOn. I just really, really hope so :(