Would anyone consider taking him back?

[parisinspring]

I am so confused and wanted to get some advice from someone outside of the situation on what I should do.

I was in a long term relationship with a man who was was kind, affectionate, generous, funny, gentle, giving, supportive. He was my best friend and we had a wonderful romantic life. We were together for three years, living together for two.

He was so supportive to me in the last year when I lost my job and took 8 months to find a new one and supported me financially and emotionally through. He was also a very loving stepfather to my two children (now 8 and 10). He had his own children (now 7 and 9) who are fantastic, and I loved them as did my kids.

The only problem was his ex wife. My ex partner always put her first. He kept saying he could not risk losing his children, but it got to the point of being ridiculous and I never really said anything because I didn't want him to have to choose between me and his kids - which was how he saw it.

The ex wife lived with her new husband (who she left my ex partner for) but yet she made our lives as miserable as possible. Constantly telling my ex that he had made his children feel replaced by living with me and my kids and laying guilt on him and constantly letting us live under the threat of not being able to see the kids.

She made it impossible for us to ever go out as a couple by ensuring we had the kids every weekend and also ensuring it was not acceptable for us to get a babysitter. Things like this made it really hard for us to enjoy our lives like normal people.

It culminated in the end when she decided one of her kids was sad because she thought he had been replaced by my kids in their fathers affection (even thought he bent over backwards to make his kids feel special to the point where he favouritised them and caused arguments) and she banned her kids from seeing mine.

This went on for two months (during which time he went every weekend with his kids to his parents house) and it put a lot of strain between us.

I told him eventually that it couldn't go on like this and that he was going to have to deal with it. He told me he loved me and was going to "have it out with her" and when he came back he was crying, said it was hopeless and told me he was sorry but it was over.

He packed his bags the next morning and left. He wouldn't talk about it, he had just made his mind up. He was cold after that and really refused contact with me for a very long time because he needed time and space to "get over it".

This happened 11 months ago and I have hardly seen or spoken to him since.

It was really painful for me and my kids, and his kids too who I hear were hit very hard by it too and I hear that his kids still ask for us and my kids still constantly ask for his. He's never let them see each other. He thought it was easier to make a clean break.

Without making this too long, it was the hardest thing I have ever been through and would not wish it on my worst enemy.

He was also devastated and I have heard from many people he was crying for months and didn't go out and even needed time off work and was signed off with depression. He's not met anyone else or moved on at all and neither have I.

He is now back in contact and is saying how sorry he is and that he has been in counselling and realising he should have stood up to his ex wife and put me first and he says he has never loved anyone the way he loves me and would do anything for another chance. He says he want to marry me.

I still love him, but I don't now where to begin with how complicated this decision is.

There are kids to think of, so many bridges were burned (my family and friends hate him because of what he did), and then there's all the trust gone and how much he hurt me.

I am torn between wanting him back so much and having no idea how to make this work even if I wanted to. It's not like there is a re-set button.

Is there a way back or is it better to forget and try and move on?

But maybe fitting!

Please don't go on believing that his ex made him leave you

Lots of people have hostile ex partners, who try to use the children against them or stop seeing the children altogether to manipulate them . Most people go to mediation or court, to get agreement between them. Not that's it's easy or cheap . But because the alternative -letting your ex run the rest of your life -is untenable for most people .

Does this man have such an agreement ? How long have he and his ex been sticking to it ? How can he demonstrate to you that he has learned to stand up to her ? How have they been resolving their differences for the last year ?

Does he understand the pain and distress that his actions have caused your children and his own ? Why did he choose to put his own uncomfortable feelings ( about disagreeing with his ex ) above the welfare of his and your children ? How does he think that the children meeting up again will affect them ? What will happen if it doesn't work out ?

Has he spent any of the last year working on all these issues? Because it doesn't sounds like he has and I can't see what's changed TBH.

I think what he did to your children sounds extremely callous TBH.

It's unlikely he can fully comprehend the effect his actions had on the OP or her children. Their hurt will pale into insignificance, compared to his fear of confrontation, it's probably why he thinks he can breeze back into their lives so easily.

I think this man actually sounds too stupid to have any comprehension of the hurt he has caused.

I talked to him this morning via facebook chat and I just said to him that he should focus on getting himself repaired and together and suitable to be a partner to anyone before he even thinks about relationships. He has just finished a 9 month course of anti-depressants and he says coming off those has been tough and he is very emotional and seems a bit lost. I think he needs to just adjust and put things into place for his own well being because I do feel like these issues are not issues between us, but within him.

I can't start again with him unless he sorts himself out first but have told him I will be a friend.

He just wants you to look after him again. How pathetic.

Hope I'm wrong on this OP, but I think you're going to get sucked in again.

You've moved from a position of not wanting anything to do with him to now agreeing to be friends. Be careful.

He's emotional and lost , has no clear plans for the future.

But he thinks this is a good time to renew his relationship with your children ?????

He walked out on his step children , aged 7 and 9, without a backward glance . He had no contact with them for a year . Now he's depressed and lonely and lost , so he wants to see the children again .

I understand that you are too smart to let this happen OP . But I'm struggling to see his this man as

" kind, affectionate, generous, funny, gentle, giving, supportive"

I don't feel like I am out of control of this. I know when you love someone it's hard to see the wood for the trees but when that person has ruined things this badly the anger and the memory of it all helps you to keep distance. Enough time has passed that I am used to life without him.

I do love him and miss him, but also he isn't the same "him" to me that he was. That anger is such a barrier to feelings.

I am offering him friendship because it feels like the right thing to do for me. I can't really explain that very well, but it feels right to me and I feel very sorry for him.

I don't think he's a bad person, but he did very bad things.

I don't feel like I owe him anything.

I don't feel like "love can conquer all".

I actually feel like he is so dysfunctional as an adult human that he has nothing to offer a woman or children, and that he has a very long way to go to get there.

I would like to support him in that though and I know that sounds strange, but I loved him and am going through a process of learning all the diferrent ways love can change.

any advice I have here is summed up by " don't give him any support more than you can afford to loose".

Spineless wimps are very hard to have respect for in the long run in a partnership. I actually feel sorry for him, the terror is intense when you get shouted at or beaten down like he's been. But a long term relationship with someone you can only pity is not going to be good. You want to know that he will fight for you and for your children, when the shit hits the fan!

Only he can fix himself. If he shows that independent of any wish to be with you he can deal with his ex better then maybe in the long run there could be a future. ïf", "maybe".

Only he can fix himself. If he shows that independent of any wish to be with you he can deal with his ex better then maybe in the long run there could be a future. ïf", "maybe".

That's exactly how I feel.

I think I would consider it. I can understand some of his behaviour with his own kids. It sounds like he was quite in the middle for example you complaining about having the kids every weekend when that's a good thing! He should want that!
I think you would need rules so that yours and his kids are definitely treated equally. Was he kind to them?

No, no.

I didn't think it was fair to have the kids every weekend IF we were not allowed to get a babysitter sometimes so we could go out like normal people SOMETIMES.

Every single social event, party, wedding, housewarming or even just a simple date was not possible as a couple without our kids for three years. I think the only times we ever went out was on the odd occasion she wanted the kids herself for a holiday trip or something.

She would not compromise. For example let us pick them up Saturday instead of Friday so we could have a date night. It was her way or the highway.

It's no way to live to never have adult time and not be able to attend events.

Everything that happened we had to take the kids, not go at all or he went without me or vice versa.

IMO totally unreasonable. She said having them for the weekend then getting a babysitter was selfish so he was trapped between a rock and a hard place all the time.

And I also never complained, even though it drove me insane, because he was sad when he didn't see his children and I loved him more than I cared about going out.

I also loved his children and preferred them with us than not with us. The house always felt lonely without them. There just should have been the freedoms to also live a normal life.

He was very, very, very kind to my children. Bent over backwards teaching them things..like riding a bike, and bringing home gifts for them if they'd had a bad day, playing computer games, going to sports day. So much better than their own father and they both said they loved him more.

It was just that when his own kids were there, if there was bickering he always fell on their side, they got away without punishments the same as mine got and he was generally harsher on mine and let them away with murder.

I know that is completely normal weekend Dad behavior, but it did cause arguments in the sense that children can't be treated that way to compensate for an adults divorce guilt and my kids noticed they were treated differently when the little ones were around. Not to say it was blazing arguments, I would just quietly tell him he wasn't treating them equally and he would listen to me, apologise and try and do better. Which he did, but needed constant reminding because he seemed to not notice he was doing it.

All the while, she is having every weekend alone with her husband and no kids, posting photos of all the wonderful mini breaks and romantic trips they are on, and quite often going to local events or parties we were also invited to and couldn't attend

All the while, she lives in the marital home with her new husband (my partner got nothing) while she claims tax credits, child benefit and takes a huge chunk of his money every month for "child support" even thought the kids were with us every weekend and holiday with us paying for all their activities and still taking them shopping for school uniform, clothes and toys and anything else they needed.

Not bitter...but it really was so irritating that he let this woman take the piss so badly.

Come to think of it she only had them 4 or 5 nights a week when they were at school and even then she had them in after school clubs and activities all the time so I don;t think she ever saw them or even wanted to.

If he had called her bluff, she'd not have withheld contact for long. After all, we were her free babysitters and ticket to the bank!

Indeed. This man is very stupid indeed.

You're a very patient, tolerant person because there is no way on earth that I would be prepared to take on those children - with the conditions described above. No way. I would see that as another woman controlling MY life. I mean not allowing a sitter or anything. Totally unreasonable. Actually although I said I might give it another go I couldn't bear to be controlled like that.

And you were right it just wasn't fair that the children were being treated differently. Btw if he spoils the kids now he'll end up paying for it later on.

Also paying maintenance and buying extras. God normally I would say how nice, but here I think fool. She has the house, the maintenance, the kids, free weekends and full control over his life. Wow.

Think twice before you go back for more of that!

I'm not patient or tolerant in any other circumstances QuiteLikely (that was always him, not me!) but I truly loved him, he made me happy and he was worth it. On a daily basis it was laughs a minute, no one on earth I'd rather spend time with and a real bond of closeness I've never felt to that extent. He was the kindest person I ever met, he was such a good friend and really fun to spend time with. It was just a trade-off.

I was very soft with him, but it was because I felt like everyone in the world took advantage of his softness and pushed him around and I didn't want to be like that with him.

That all said, I made a decision after al this never to put up with things that are unreasonable or unfair for him nor anyone because in the end it bites you in the arse and encourages people who are taking the piss to continue to do so.

Yes, he was a total fool but maybe he needed to literally see himself lose absolutely everything to really get it that just because he had children with this woman he doesn't owe her his life and he has a right to a normal life.

You are doing it again, love. Doing all his thinking for him. You have no idea at all if he has learned his lesson. At the moment you describe him as "lost". That is not the demeanour nor the mindset of someone who has had an epiphany, I am afraid. He is looking to you and your children as a unit as a support framework for himself, just like he did before. And just like before, he will drop you like a hot potato when it all gets a bit much for him.

Paris have you asked him if he has decided to stop letting his ex rule his life? Has he said anything to you recently that would indicate to you that he now realises how much she was controlling things iyswim?

Because he really needs to have some insight into that ( otherwise I'm banning you from getting back together )

Two things: first, going back into any kind of relationship with him, even just friendship, on the basis that he is dysfunctional and you want to support him, is fucked up and a recipe for disaster. It's fixer thinking and you can't fix him.

Secondly, this man was too weak to stand up to his ex, too weak to take her own in official channels to get a reasonable agreement, too weak to parent fairly and treat your children with the same consideration and his own. When the chips were down he buggered off without any thought for them. So, it doesn't matter if he taught them to ride a bike, and was nicer on a daily level than their real father, in the long run he bailed because he simply doesn't care about them enough. At least their real dad is apparently still around.

This is a weak dysfunctional man with a lot of problems, he's come back to you because he simply cannot sort his life out on his own. Instead of trying to fix him you should focusing that care and attention on yourself and your kids.

No, he has spoken but done nothing to show or prove anything has actually changed.

If you really want to support him, then you have to leave him to it. You had a role in his and your relationship dysfunction and you to must learn how to break the cycle. Your new found insight is a start but the co-dependant aspects of your relationship make you the last person he needs to be around.

Your passivity, tolerance and all round 'I will be the antidote to all the venom spewed ihis way' essentially accommodated and fed his dysfunction. By staying in the picture you will stifle the extremely fragile beginnings of change because he will instinctively seek out the path of least resistance. He came back because he missed his comfort blanket, which is what you and your relationship represent. Do not forget that he left abruptly and went NC because you became less accommodating. Your fear of him disappearing on you again (even if you aren't involved physically) will suck you back into old habits, thus feeding the dysfunction.

Stay far away for both your sakes.