Would anyone consider taking him back?

[parisinspring]

I am so confused and wanted to get some advice from someone outside of the situation on what I should do.

I was in a long term relationship with a man who was was kind, affectionate, generous, funny, gentle, giving, supportive. He was my best friend and we had a wonderful romantic life. We were together for three years, living together for two.

He was so supportive to me in the last year when I lost my job and took 8 months to find a new one and supported me financially and emotionally through. He was also a very loving stepfather to my two children (now 8 and 10). He had his own children (now 7 and 9) who are fantastic, and I loved them as did my kids.

The only problem was his ex wife. My ex partner always put her first. He kept saying he could not risk losing his children, but it got to the point of being ridiculous and I never really said anything because I didn't want him to have to choose between me and his kids - which was how he saw it.

The ex wife lived with her new husband (who she left my ex partner for) but yet she made our lives as miserable as possible. Constantly telling my ex that he had made his children feel replaced by living with me and my kids and laying guilt on him and constantly letting us live under the threat of not being able to see the kids.

She made it impossible for us to ever go out as a couple by ensuring we had the kids every weekend and also ensuring it was not acceptable for us to get a babysitter. Things like this made it really hard for us to enjoy our lives like normal people.

It culminated in the end when she decided one of her kids was sad because she thought he had been replaced by my kids in their fathers affection (even thought he bent over backwards to make his kids feel special to the point where he favouritised them and caused arguments) and she banned her kids from seeing mine.

This went on for two months (during which time he went every weekend with his kids to his parents house) and it put a lot of strain between us.

I told him eventually that it couldn't go on like this and that he was going to have to deal with it. He told me he loved me and was going to "have it out with her" and when he came back he was crying, said it was hopeless and told me he was sorry but it was over.

He packed his bags the next morning and left. He wouldn't talk about it, he had just made his mind up. He was cold after that and really refused contact with me for a very long time because he needed time and space to "get over it".

This happened 11 months ago and I have hardly seen or spoken to him since.

It was really painful for me and my kids, and his kids too who I hear were hit very hard by it too and I hear that his kids still ask for us and my kids still constantly ask for his. He's never let them see each other. He thought it was easier to make a clean break.

Without making this too long, it was the hardest thing I have ever been through and would not wish it on my worst enemy.

He was also devastated and I have heard from many people he was crying for months and didn't go out and even needed time off work and was signed off with depression. He's not met anyone else or moved on at all and neither have I.

He is now back in contact and is saying how sorry he is and that he has been in counselling and realising he should have stood up to his ex wife and put me first and he says he has never loved anyone the way he loves me and would do anything for another chance. He says he want to marry me.

I still love him, but I don't now where to begin with how complicated this decision is.

There are kids to think of, so many bridges were burned (my family and friends hate him because of what he did), and then there's all the trust gone and how much he hurt me.

I am torn between wanting him back so much and having no idea how to make this work even if I wanted to. It's not like there is a re-set button.

Is there a way back or is it better to forget and try and move on?

Paris you say this... I wish I saw things in such a black and white way, but I don't really. I always knew he didn't have much of a backbone so to speak but he was kind, generous, intelligent, sweet, affection, great in bed!, loving, supportive, interesting, funny and all sorts of other things and I thought I had enough backbone for the both of us!

Translated doesn't that mean he is just weak. Weak to not ever challenge his ex, weak to walk away from you without a backward glance when he had his me me me moment, and even now weak because he is not actually doing anything concrete to win you back. I just think it must've been incredibly hurtful to spend a year on your own with all those unanswered questions but he wasn't thinking of you then was he... he just needs to grow some balls and prove to you something (not sure what, but you know what I mean...)

Paris you say you love each other so much & he clearly regrets the decision he made when he felt he had no option in order not to lose his children...I was going to say it's worth trying to see a way forward....but I have just seen yr last post where you seem to have made your mind up..
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So you have decided, as he did a year ago & regretted if, not to be with the person you love...
I think him trying to do the best for everyone & putting himself last IS honourable although I see how that also impacted you...
Im sorry but it seems that you are compounding what the bullying ex put in train...& as scene said outbreaks - as the children get older it will be much easier all around...

"He told me he loved me and was going to "have it out with her" and when he came back he was crying, said it was hopeless and told me he was sorry but it was over.

He packed his bags the next morning and left. He wouldn't talk about it, he had just made his mind up."

You will HATE yourself if you get back with him.

Also, I find it a bit shitty and drama stirring and that he wants you to accept marriage straight off and go back to where you were, without even having a trial period in which you can observe this alleged "change".

He sounds like a weak drama llama to me. Maybe he enjoys thinking he's having two women fight over him.

"I used to see him as selfless and lovely and I always found the way he always wanted to do what he saw as "right" as being a sign he was a good person with integrity, but now I just think it's selfish and dysfunctional. He was so busy trying to keep everyone happy because he was afraid of reactions or of being told off or criticised, not because he was wanting to do the right thing."

THIS. You're spot on the button here. He sees himself as a little boy, not as a man.

"He is suggesting that we re-introduce contact for the children and wants to meet up face to face so he can talk to me about what happened."

FFS. After just walking out on them?

So he also wants to "use" the children's close relationship to manipulate you into taking him back "your children want this, too.". Weak, self-pitying people often are very, very nasty and manipulative.

Yes, I think I have decided not to be with the person I love, and I do understand what a shitty choice that is to make....it's not doing the same as what he did.

I am choosing it because he took away the trust I had for him, he showed fundamental flaws in his character which make him an unreliable stepfather and partner, he was cruel to me and cut me off, he did not put me first for three years, because he could not even communicate with me before making this decision which ended life as we knew it, because he made me question that he loved me and could be counted on and with all those things "love" is not really the only consideration anymore.

When he left me our relationship had no problems. But with what he did he ruined all that.

He did it because he felt it was best for himself. It wasn't best for me or the kids. He could have at least tried other options but he didn't.

Maybe if he had said "no" to her, she might have withheld access to the kids from him but I wonder really how long he would have actually gotten away with it with her kids crying for Daddy. It was a small town, she would not have liked people knowing what was happening. She was always keeping up with the Jones's and loved the illusion of their "amicable" divorce that everyone so admired.

I always thought this was an empty threat and he was more scared of her displeasure rather than the reality. I always thought that, and told him.

At least he could have tried something else. If he had tried or he had considered me at all in all of this maybe it would be easier to forgive. It was like I never existed. All about what was best for him and what he needed and wanted. Couldn't he have talked to me? Or something? How did he just sot for all those days not wondering if I was okay or wanting to comfort me?

I know it's sad to walk away from someone you really love and I was so conflicted on the decision that I posted here.

Really...how could I live with someone who I know was even capable of just buggering off and refusing to answer my emails, calls, texts as if I was dead or invisible?

He says it was killing him that he missed me and it was the worst thing he has ever lived through but again...all about him.

Why didn't he think to try and make it easier on me even if it DID make it harder for him? That's what I would have done!!!

Sorry for ranting, it's just so much rage.

It's Ok to grieve for the man he could have been and who you thought you were in love with. And to re-visit shared happy memories.

But as you yourself have accepted, you're practicing self-love and protecting yourself and your children now by moving on from him.

Also, long-term, even if he hadn't had the crisis with his ex-wife and left, I suspect the weakness would have manifested itself in other ways - you would always have to be the one with the backbone, keeping things together, arguing for yourself and your children. Because he gets too upset if under pressure. And you would have lost respect for him.

"he was more scared of her displeasure rather than the reality."

I can't help wondering if this is where he is now with you . He wants to step right back into a cosy domestic set-up with you, but hopes that by telling you all his anguish and pain, you won't disapprove of him and won't have a Right To Be Angry, just accept him back gratefully as if things had never happened. Because he's so upset that there's no space for your feelings.

He can't cope with you disapproving of him.

No he can't cope with anyone disapproving of him.

A.N.Y.O.N.E

He will say / do / be anything to get out of it.

I used to date someone like this. It was his mother, not ex-wife who was the problem. He'd just shut down and not deal with her and have a poor ickle me, what can I do, my life is so terrible and I'm between a rock and a hard place attitude.

I loved him and showed compassion: I felt I was like the emotional clean-up rag for all the shit he was going through in the rest of his life.

When his mother wasn't involved, he was the perfect boyfriend in every way.

I left him after his mother had a go at me and he didn't stand up for me (wondered if I'd done the right thing, we were very compatible on paper, he was very supportive in other ways, see myself as a strong woman etc etc)

He married someone else, had kids with her - I hear his mother makes her life a misery now. Men like this don't grow a backbone overnight.

I hated myself for a while after this relationship ended: it was like I had been absorbing all the negative emotions from the mother and from tolerating my weak partner for so long, it took me much longer than the relationship itself to get over it

My DP now isn't Rambo, but he won't put up with anyone treating me disrespectfully. I grew up in a household where my feelings were put last and where my abusive parents would put everyone ahead of their children. Perhaps it's worth investigating whether you have similar emotional patterns yourself?

Be kind to yourself and look after your children

I grew up in a house where everyone was always angry and shouting. I loved the fact that he was so calm and gentle. I loved that he was so kind and seemingly selfless and (at first) I loved the way he treated the mother of his kids so well even though she had left him / cheated. I always thought that meant he would treat me well no matter what happened or even if things didn't work out. How funny!!!!

You viewed your early tolerance as an investment and he appeared to view it as an expectation. As soon as your tolerance wained, for what was an untenable situation, he bolted. As painful as it is, your assessment of his character is probably spot on and his relationship with his Ex undoubtedly exacerbate and exposed a deep rooted pathology, very sad.

Paris I am sure he would treat you well if everything remained calm, if there were no rocky bits, if the kids were textbook kids - but life's not like that is it? I am just not sure from what you've said how he would cope with conflict, hurt, upset, anger... all the things that life throws at us.

I just think it is cruel to have not given you a chance before he walked away. He never even tried anything different. He just had a bit of angst come in his life and he walked away from you without a backward glance. Some may say that is strong to have the balls to do that. No, it isn't, it's walking away from problems that have to be faced.

OP I have read your original post and some of the replies, but not all. The consensus is that you should not take him back, but it sounds to me like you love him and he loves you and you have both been miserable apart. Maybe this has taught him a lesson?

I think you could agree to some ground rules.

1. if you are together then you are together and he puts you and the kids (all of them equally) first.

1. You need to have a joint meeting with the ex wife (and her dh) which will hopefully limit her influence on your DP. Agree terms of contact with the dc, that do not exclude you or your dc. Write them in a contract and get a third party to witness it. This is not a legally binding document per se but will be useful in preventing drift from the agreements over the next weeks/months/years. Before you go to this meeting make sure you and DP are clear on what terms you will and will not agree to and which may be flexible/negotiable. Agree maintenance payments at the same time and put it in the contract. NB remain calm and reasonable at all times at this meeting and any future meetings with her - any signs of anger and she will use it against you.

1. You also need him to agree to not agree anything with his ex wife without first discussing it with you and if feasible the kids too -hell, if she is going to use them to manipulate him they might as well have a say in it as it will be affecting them already.

1. Tell him this is a last chance and if he puts his kids above yours or agrees to demands his ex is making without discussing with you first then it is over.

I say go for it, tread cautiously, keep him at arms reach until he has demonstrated he can maintain all of the above (ie don't let him move back in yet). We all fuck up sometimes, everyone deserves a second chance (except violent abusing types). I wish you luck and strength - help him defeat her xxx

Tough one.

I think you have more leverage now than you have ever had.

I think Billy's approach is the way to go.

Anything that means that someone sits that ExW down and TELLS her how's it going to be has got to be a starting point, whether YOU are in the picture or not tbh.

Maybe I missed it, but what exactly has changed? If he now wants to get back together, how is he going to avoid that the exact same thing happens again? What solutions is he proposing?

I agree with Billy. Life is too short and it sounds like you did love each other and had a loving relationship. He made a mistake with his reaction. But because of what you did share I would allow him his 'one mistake', we're all human after all. I would take it slowly, very slowly and it's down to him to PROVE that you are first, before his exw.

I think its very hard because for any parent your children should come first and there is a lot to be said for that. Sadly you didn't have closure what actually caused his departure. He did show you completely shitty behavior, but if he means what he says he needs to make it up to you despite what he thinks people think of him or say. I would give him one more chance without including any of the children and take it slowly - its time for him to prove and show you what he's made of. Life is too short not to grab happiness and it sounds that without the difficult circumstances you were happy.

I agree withBilly & Donkey life is too short & love too elusive not to summon up the courage to see whether it could work again...but you two first before inv o living the children is probably best...

Yes he messed up & it was wrong to ignore yr pain....but he was going through a,breakdown(!)...he seems to have some lovely qualities which are hard to find ...tbh I don't get all the discussion of him being "weak" under such unbearable pressure...sometimes being "strong" (like his ex?) ain't all its made out to be....

I'm really angry right now but just need more time to think. I'm not going to jump just because he comes back. I appreciate hearing all the positive points to consider it's just not that easy to go backwards and start again. I think the PP said I would hate myself for taking him back and I do feel that now. It would be a long road

I get where Billynomates71's coming from but I don't think you should be any where near, let alone be part of, the contact negotiations. As difficult as his Ex wife is, the contact arrangements must be negotiated and agreed between him and Ex, third party involvement should be of the professional kind.

I doubt that the few counselling sessions this man has had, has scraped the sides of his pathological need to avoid conflict. The Ex's behaviour may be an extreme trigger but it has only cruely exposed his flawed coping strategies. This man is at the start of his journey and if the OP got involved now, the chances of him falling back into long established patterns is far too great.

I experienced some deeply seated emotional issues from childhood, and I went to counselling on and off for 3 or 4 years and still didn't eliminate those deeply held needs. It was a very long and ongoing process. I think it's a very long road to change who you are and rid yourself of faulty programming like that and it's such a big commitment and an act of courage in itself. Let's see how he progresses with that.

I don't see any point in negotiating with the ex because the point is that even if he does, he allows her to walk all over agreements. The change has to be in him.

I need assurances of how much better he would manage a break up, conflict and hard times.

It's something he needs to go off and sort and won't happen in days or weeks.

Reading about Robin Williams today softened me to how desperate people can feel.

Isetan I agree 100%

Christ! Robin Williams. I just wish I could have grabbed his depression and bopped it on the nose and told it to get lost but life isn't that simple.

Wrong thread.