So, here I am at the age of 37, hoping that a married man is going to leave his wife for me. How did my life come to this? :-(

[ThunderHeart]

I've been married since I was 19, and have 2 primary school aged children.

Dh is a decent enough man, but he is pretty rubbish as a husband. He's hurt me very deeply several times over the years, and each time I stayed in the relationship because I have always been utterly besotted with him and could never imagine my life without him (especially once we had children).

However, once my youngest child went to school, I gradually started to detach from dh for the first time in my adult life. I started finding time spent not with him more enjoyable than the time I did spend with him. It was a totally alien feeling, but I loved it. I finally felt free. None of his selfishness or thoughtlessness could hurt me anymore, because I was finally getting to a point where it didn't matter to me.

It was around this time that I met someone else. Someone who is so so different to dh in every way. We've been 'together' now for nearly 4 years.

When it first started, I had NO intention of leaving dh whatsoever. My life was quite nice, and new man, whilst lovely, was just my way of feeling better about myself after all the years of being let down by dh.

But it didn't turn out like that. New man is everything that dh has never been, and I feel more loved by him than I ever have by dh. He adores me, he doesn't need to tell me - I just know, and I've never felt that before.

He will also ALWAYS make his children his absolute top priority in everything. Providing them with a stable family background is very important to him. At first I was glad of this, as I felt equally determined to do the same for my children. Our relationship was conducted entirely separately to family life, and that was just fine.

It's been so long now though, I'm starting to feel that everyone in this mess is living a lie, and that we are now robbing our current spouses of a fairly significant chunk of their lives

I'm possibly ready to start thinking about leaving, but I very much doubt that he will even consider it.

Cannot believe that bit by bit, this is where my life has ended up.

Some people are conveniently forgetting that the MM they are vilifying so strongly is not doing anything different to the OP...

I agree with this. The MM is doing nothing different to the OP.

OP this will not end well. You have created a web of lies and deceit for four years.

Doesn't your husband and MM wife deserve to find happiness that doesn't involve 4 years of cheating?

You have to take responsibility for your actions. There will be many people hurt through yours and MM behaviour. Please think hard about what you are going to do.

I've tried not to flame you OP but I can guarantee if you had been a man and had come on here and said the same and having an affair four years you would have received a pasting and IMO rightly so.

OP - MM (and MW) DO leave their spouses to be with the affair partner, it happens. Affairs start for all sorts of reasons and have as many differing outcomes.

What you need to accept that in your affair the MM has specifically told you he will not be leaving his wife. The situation is all it will ever be. You need to base your decisions on this fact.

Not sure why the MM is getting bashed more either.

Crumbs! I'm not sure exactly what I expected, but I don't think it was this!

Apologies for not getting back here sooner. Have had a very busy day in work, but have now sat down and read each and every reply thoroughly.

Firstly, the 4 years thing. This makes it sound like I have been sneaking in and out of the house, living some sort of double life for 4 years.

That's not really the reality. The OM and I work nearby each other. We very rarely see each other outside of working hours. Most of our contact is lunchtimes or a quick drink after work. In the whole 4 years, we have spent a grand total of 5 nights away together. We often go long periods of time not seeing each other if one or both of us is very busy with work / family stuff.

At one point, after about a year together, we stopped seeing each other completely. It was all over for about 8 months, and we went completely no contact. Neither of us even remotely began to get over it in that time, and we ended up back together.

I'm not trying to make excuses for anything here. Just laying the story out as it is. Our relationship really does have very little physical impact in terms of time or money on our family lives. This I imagine is how we've got away with it for so long. It's not an affair as in a 'double life' situation. It's a relationship which had built over time, and which you now can't call anything but an affair because we do love each other and we do sleep together.

Secondly, I have not been hanging around for 4 years thinking that my happiness lies in a future with this man. We both went into this on the same page. I wasn't happy in my marriage, but if I'd wanted to leave it I would have. The simple fact is, I just wanted some fun and some attention. Coupled with the fact that I felt no guilt towards dh after some of the stunts he's pulled, it was a recipe for disaster.

It's only very recently that I've started to think this has gone on too long now, and then started to think I'd be very happy with OM. I've not mentioned it to him at all. We've never discussed leaving ever, so I don't "know" what his response would be. The assumptions on that, that I made in the OP were based just on how well I know him and my expectations.

Very grateful for all the food for thought here. Thank you.

So how were the five nights away, the drinks and lunches out funded?

You sole time. energy and funds from your family after work for the drinks. You stole time, energy and funds from your family for the five nights away.

All those children deserve so much better than this.

I think you're still deluding yourself, because the reality is a total mess.

Why have you stayed with your husband for the last 4 years?

IME most having affairs are deluded and believe that their affair is different to the 'standard' affair.

This is not a relationship, a relationship is built on trust, loyalty, respect and selflessness. This is full of pain, hurt and deceit!

If your DH has been so terrible then leave him, he, your DCs, MM's DW and their DCs do not deserve both of your selfish deceit.

It doesn't matter whether you have been away for 5 hours or 5 days, it will still cause unbelievable lasting hurt when you are found out.

Regain some dignity, show some remorse and maybe you will be able to live a true, honest life.

OP we cannot help who we fall for or when Life is much more complicated than that. It sounds like when you were both on the same page (i.e. neither had any intention of leaving) it was Ok but now you maybe want something else that's where the problem is. Perhaps time to have an honest chat with OM about what's going on at that point you can make a decision about what you want to do. Do you have any RL friends who you can talk to? I know when my best friend was going through similar she really appreciated being able to talk things through in a non-judgemental way.

Also despite neither my friend nor her MM having any intention of leaving circumstances took over and they are both happily married now. Each relationship is different though and only two of you know how you feel about each other Good luck

So, what do you think you will do?

Shall I tell you what I think you should do, it's easier to see it more clearly from the outside :) That's not to say it's the 'right' answer & others will disagree of course, but it's what I think you should do.

Talk to the OM. Tell him that you need some time apart from him, tell him that you are going to leave your husband but that you need to do it 'on your own' not as someone in the middle of an affair. That you need at least 6 months, no contact. During that time he needs to consider his position and if he wants to be with you, he needs to leave his wife and be on his own for at least 6 months before that can happen - even then, you might not want to be with him. He needs to be prepared to leave his wife not knowing if it will work with you or not. You both have to leave your current partners for yourselves, not each other.

Then you need to divorce your husband. When he asks if there's anyone else you need to be honest with him, you owe it to him. Tell him there was, but you have ended it. If he asks, tell him how long it lasted. Where you met, how often - answer whatever else he wants to know. You owe him this. The only thing I wouldn't tell him is who it is/was.

Try to sort out a fair settlement with your husband using mediation and be fair in all things to do with the children.

Spend some time on your own - think about what you really, really want and whether you think you could be in a relationship with someone who has been able to have an affair for 4 years behind his wife's back while proclaiming to always put his children first (he hasn't). You haven't been any better yourself - so consider whether you could each trust the other... if not, don't even go there with him.

I feel for you, none of this is going to be easy. Sometimes through a series of stupid mistakes and decisions we end up eyeball deep in the shit - all of our own doing, but without actually meaning too. It's life - it's messy. All you can do now is try not to cause any more suffering to your DH and your children - and his.

Good luck.
PS: As I said, it's just my take on what would be best.

He's not making his children his number one priority.

His sex life is his number one priority.

He's not providing his children with a stable home life, because he's quite willing to jeopardise their happiness and future as long as he can shag around.

And you got into this position because you chose to. Because you and the OM both think your right to seedy thrills happiness trumps the rights your children have to an honest and stable home life.

If your husband hurts you then get yourself and the children out of the relationship . If he is abusive to you or them then go to the police. But don't delude yourself that a path of unicorns and glitter with OM is ahead of you. Even if he did leave his wife for you, he'd then be on the lookout for a new damsel in distress with low self esteem. And you might well be on the lookout for someone else as well.

You don't even mention his wife. You say you feel no guilt toward your husband, but what about his wife? Does she not feature in your picture? You're sleeping with, stealing, her husband - is she not real to you?

But perhaps your husband has taken from you in some way, so you're going to take from someone else, because that's somehow fair, evens up the scales. Except you're taking from someone who is entirely innocent in this. That's even before we get on to the kids, yours and his.

You have both been monstrously selfish, yet you genuinely seem to think you and he are enjoying a parallel universe together that has no impact on the real people connected to it: out of sight, out of mind. Do you even know what a conscience is?

He may have bleached her out in order to facilitate your little love-in, but dont you do the same: she is real and hasn't done anything to you, I assume, to deserve your entire absence of conscience regarding her.

Surely that's what many cheaters do though, Springy - "blank out" any thoughts of the other partners involved - otherwise how could they square it with their consciences? Unless they're the sort of vindictive person who actually enjoys getting one over on another person, then they would have to either convince themselves that the other spouse is a cipher, or that they are so awful that it's not surprising their spouse is playing away.

Sometimes these threads drive me crazy with all the projection. We have no idea what is in OM head or his wife's. Can't we just help OP work through her issue without all the insults? Or is it only 'wronged wives' that can use the Relationship Board?

His wife may well be upset if she ever finds out. Alternatively she may be relieved to get out of a bad marriage. We don't know.

OP you need to talk to the OM and soon.

The op hasn't come back, and I doubt she will.

clearly you have, sorry op.

Interesting how you can justify an affair in two ways - either by saying that it is nothing really, just fun, or by saying that it is much more than that; it's love. If it's just fun, then that's "OK" because you aren't really being disloyal to your partner: you're just mucking round, giving yourself a treat, and it's so unimportant that it can't really hurt. If it's love, then that's OK, because you aren't just mucking around: this is something serious, no-one should turn away True Love when it comes along, you're just giving in to Fate and whatever you do now, someone will get hurt, but that's Fate for you.

People will only be hurt if they find out.

How is flagging up conscience 'projecting'? I have not, as far as I'm aware, been a betrayed spouse/partner. I have, however, had a fair few opportunities to be the betrayer; the above was my response (even when the wife was a cow) as it is with the majority. It is reality that immense pain is visited on the betrayed, whether they are ultimately relieved to be out of the marriage or not - or even know about the betrayal; the majority are resoundingly NOT relieved.

My post was not directed at you Springy. Why do you think it was?

Betrayal is betrayal, REGARDLESS of the circumstances. To that end ALL viewpoints are relevant in this debate; some more than others eg the betrayed.

On reading your detailed description of this relationship I don't think you should feel guilty, it seems to be an affair that has kept two marriages going ..... and therein lies the problem. I suspect this arrangement rather suits your lover and would continue to suit you if your marriage was happier. I'm not sure your lover will leave his wife, but you might be happier if you left your husband and continued with your lover while you developed new interests of a romantic or other kind.

Yeah, do what you like. You already have, what does it matter. each to his own, all's fair etc

Foul viewpoint imo higgle.

I agree with wannabe that after four years the relationship must be based on more than just sex. We don't know what is going on in the OMs marriage and it could be that the children would have a more stable life if their parents were living separately.
my view is that men and women in happy, fulfilled relationships don't stray whether they are married or not.

Affairs do hurt people. Your DH and OM wife will get hurt as will the respective children.

No one knows what goes on in peoples marriages but if you are unhappy you end one relationship before you start another IMHO. I have seen the utter devestation and fallout that long term affairs cause on a few occasions and it's not nice.