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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So, here I am at the age of 37, hoping that a married man is going to leave his wife for me. How did my life come to this? :-(

469 replies

ThunderHeart · 10/08/2014 23:49

I've been married since I was 19, and have 2 primary school aged children.

Dh is a decent enough man, but he is pretty rubbish as a husband. He's hurt me very deeply several times over the years, and each time I stayed in the relationship because I have always been utterly besotted with him and could never imagine my life without him (especially once we had children).

However, once my youngest child went to school, I gradually started to detach from dh for the first time in my adult life. I started finding time spent not with him more enjoyable than the time I did spend with him. It was a totally alien feeling, but I loved it. I finally felt free. None of his selfishness or thoughtlessness could hurt me anymore, because I was finally getting to a point where it didn't matter to me.

It was around this time that I met someone else. Someone who is so so different to dh in every way. We've been 'together' now for nearly 4 years.

When it first started, I had NO intention of leaving dh whatsoever. My life was quite nice, and new man, whilst lovely, was just my way of feeling better about myself after all the years of being let down by dh.

But it didn't turn out like that. New man is everything that dh has never been, and I feel more loved by him than I ever have by dh. He adores me, he doesn't need to tell me - I just know, and I've never felt that before.

He will also ALWAYS make his children his absolute top priority in everything. Providing them with a stable family background is very important to him. At first I was glad of this, as I felt equally determined to do the same for my children. Our relationship was conducted entirely separately to family life, and that was just fine.

It's been so long now though, I'm starting to feel that everyone in this mess is living a lie, and that we are now robbing our current spouses of a fairly significant chunk of their lives Sad

I'm possibly ready to start thinking about leaving, but I very much doubt that he will even consider it.

Cannot believe that bit by bit, this is where my life has ended up.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 13/08/2014 01:26

Yeah, it's wrong, but life is messy. We can't always live by our ideals, as much as we might aspire to.

We always have a choice.
We may kid ourselves that we are victims of circumstances and life has dealt us a terrible hand, but we always have the choice of integrity.

Estrellita · 13/08/2014 03:27

Of course we have a choice. Presenting events in context doesn't always mean adopting a victim mentality or being apologist for bad behavior. It's hard to glean the full context of OP's marriage, her relationship with OM, or OM's marriage from a couple of brief posts on the internet. Except that OP says she has been married since 19 and deeply hurt over the years. It doesn't excuse the 4 year deceit, but it provides context. Then again, if you are of the opinion that anyone who would be unfaithful to their spouse is a disgusting human being, then context is irrelevant.

ShinyBlackTaxiCab · 13/08/2014 07:11

Estrellita if anyone is projecting on this thread it is you. You have gone to great pains to distinguish your situation from the OP's - and I have some sympathy for you and acknowledge your extenuating circumstances.

But those circumstances don't apply to the OP. So what if she was married from 19? A lot of people marry young; it's not an extenuating circumstance justifying an a affair. She did say her husband hurt her deeply several times - but by the time the affair started she had detached from him, felt free, but had quite a nice life and NO intention of leaving her DH whatsoever. That is the context - that and another betrayed spouse and her young children in the picture, and a four year long deception.

ShinyBlackTaxiCab · 13/08/2014 07:15

"I wasn't happy in my marriage, but if I'd wanted to leave it I would have. The simple fact is, I just wanted some fun and some attention."

Mugg1ns · 13/08/2014 08:01

Cindydog how on earth do you 'guarantee' the OM is still intimate with his wife ??

ShinyBlackTaxiCab · 13/08/2014 09:23

I think it is your assumptions about the unsatisfactory nature of the other man's marriage and his wife not meeting his needs that need justifying, mugg1ns.

sweetnessandlite · 13/08/2014 09:33

Muffins....the OM will ALWAYS tell his OW that he ''never sleeps'' with his wife.
Along with that other porkie ''my wife doesn't understand me'' boo boo and ''I'm only staying for the sake of the kids'' is another classic'

The biggest mystery to me is why we, as women, fall for these obvious 'lines'

fedupbutfine · 13/08/2014 10:11

sigh.

The man is a tosser. You're no better. Leave your poor husband and let him have a decent life with his children without someone who is prepared to betray her marriage vows in this way. You won't be happy until it's all utter chaos and lives are in tatters, will you?

Original poster
ThunderHeart · 13/08/2014 10:33

Sorry I didn't get back here last night.

Really do appreciate all the different view points though.

Couple of things to point out.

OM has never told me that he doesn't sleep with his wife. He has never told me that she doesn't understand him. I have never so much hinted at the possibility of us ending up together. For the last 4 years, we've both been very happy with the way things are.

It's only recently that I have started to look ahead to the future and imagining a time when the children are older and when we all get more time to ourselves and for our marriages.

I've come to realise that, given the choice, it's OM I want to spend this period of my life with. It's him I'd like to grow old with. I'm actually in no rush for him to leave his wife just yet.

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 13/08/2014 10:41

Oh well that's jolly decent of you Hmm

HanselandGretel · 13/08/2014 10:49

I'm actually in no rush for him to leave his wife just yet

What an utterly selfish thing to say...'just yet'? So you'll allow her another few years of being deceived? That's very kind of you.

EarthWindFire · 13/08/2014 10:53

Just yet? Well if his wife or your husband finds out you both may have no choice!!!!

Get more time for ourselves and our marriages. Seriously?

You really need to end your marriage and move on. Don't for one minute think that break ups are easier when children are older. In many instances it is worse.

ShadyMyLady · 13/08/2014 10:59

It's him I'd like to grow old with

Yes and his poor wife is thinking exactly the same.

And not being in any rush for him to leave his wife, how much longer exactly do you plan on lying and cheating behind your husbands back?

Your op is very 'woe is me', you're just a lying, selfish sorry excuse of a mother and wife.

fedupbutfine · 13/08/2014 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DaisyFlowerChain · 13/08/2014 11:07

That's jolly nice of you re no rush Hmm your children will be so proud of you.

I imagine his wife and kids want to grow older with him too.

You seem to believe you are doing no wrong despite being a cheating wife and looking to tear your children away from their father and then do the same to another family.

ravenmum · 13/08/2014 11:23

To summarise, you want to stay with your husband as it is convenient for you in financial / organisational terms, but then when you don't need his support any more and you are able to enjoy your freedom without children, you will leave him, hoping your fellow adulterer will also drop his partner from a great height onto the singles market at an age when they might have hoped to be enjoying their freedom with the person they thought loved them all those years.

Dirtybadger · 13/08/2014 11:30

What someone else said about children coping better young than old.

My aunt's husband had an affair. Left his daughter and wife for the OW. My cousin was youngish (about 10?). She carried on seeing her dad and they have a good relationship. Still with OW and married.
What would have happened if the same thing happened when my cousin was a mid-late teen? I think their relationship would have suffered more.

I found out about my dads affair as an adult. I would have probably "bounced back" from it not completely understanding, as a kid. And then pushed it deep into the back of my mind later in life. As it is that hasn't been possible and he has completely fucked my view on men/relationships/love. More so than if I were a kid, I believe. More skepticism available. Oh well.

If you want to be with him be with him (if he wants it, anyway). If you're both so relaxed about it you're happy to wait a few years, it doesn't sound like you want it or care for it (the relationship you have) to make it last, anyway. It's a bit of a "meh" approach.

Anyway as I first said; leave your husband. You've said he's a dick, essentially (and I believe you!) and you clearly don't love him. You'll be happier alone. Chuck them both. None of you are good for one another.

Bloomingflower1 · 13/08/2014 11:38

I cannot help but wonder exactly what your husband has done wrong in your relationship. You haven`t said what this is. Your lack of concern for others would be a worry for me if I knew you. From what you have written it does seems that you do have personal emotional problems that have so far not been mentioned and certainly not acknowledged.

FolkGirl · 13/08/2014 11:40

fedup yes, that's been my experience, too.

sweetnessandlite · 13/08/2014 11:58

OP, you sound very selfish.
It all seems to be about what YOU want.

You say that he has never said that his wife doesn't understand him and that he still sleeps with his wife.
Doesn't that tell you something?
Possibly that his marriage is in fact fairly good, and his is only seeing you because you let him get his leg over.

If you left this family alone, then he could make a real go of his marriage and he and his wife could stay together.

You know - you do realise that if your husband and his wife were to find out, (you are not going to get away with it for ever. One day you will both slip up), then this whole thing could blow up in your face!
You will lose everything.

Original poster
ThunderHeart · 13/08/2014 12:05

That's hilarious sweetness.

So, if a man in this situation says anything bad about his wife / marriage, then it can't be true.

And if he doesn't say anything of the sort, then it can't be true either!

OP posts:
Bloomingflower1 · 13/08/2014 12:09

That`s my point sweetness. Empathy and the ability to look honestly at oneself are two signs of a healthy individual. OP is not showing signs of either and is most likely heading for a disaster. So many posters on here testify to that. I do believe in karma, (not for mystical reasons) and it will bite her at some point if she continues with this behaviour. So, what is your husband like then OP? Tell us why he is such a bad man, as presumably you think he is.

NigellasDealer · 13/08/2014 12:10

why don't you leave your husband and dump this weak lying excuse of a man that is your lover?
build your own life

ravenmum · 13/08/2014 12:11

Liars will be liars.

Was my interpretation correct, then, that you are using your husband as long as it is convenient for you? I'd be interested in hearing how you rationalise that, too. What arguments make it acceptable?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 13/08/2014 12:16

I'm actually in no rush for him to leave his wife just yet.

That's really kind of you.

Did you mean to sound so heartless, cruel and selfish?