So, here I am at the age of 37, hoping that a married man is going to leave his wife for me. How did my life come to this? :-(

[ThunderHeart]

I've been married since I was 19, and have 2 primary school aged children.

Dh is a decent enough man, but he is pretty rubbish as a husband. He's hurt me very deeply several times over the years, and each time I stayed in the relationship because I have always been utterly besotted with him and could never imagine my life without him (especially once we had children).

However, once my youngest child went to school, I gradually started to detach from dh for the first time in my adult life. I started finding time spent not with him more enjoyable than the time I did spend with him. It was a totally alien feeling, but I loved it. I finally felt free. None of his selfishness or thoughtlessness could hurt me anymore, because I was finally getting to a point where it didn't matter to me.

It was around this time that I met someone else. Someone who is so so different to dh in every way. We've been 'together' now for nearly 4 years.

When it first started, I had NO intention of leaving dh whatsoever. My life was quite nice, and new man, whilst lovely, was just my way of feeling better about myself after all the years of being let down by dh.

But it didn't turn out like that. New man is everything that dh has never been, and I feel more loved by him than I ever have by dh. He adores me, he doesn't need to tell me - I just know, and I've never felt that before.

He will also ALWAYS make his children his absolute top priority in everything. Providing them with a stable family background is very important to him. At first I was glad of this, as I felt equally determined to do the same for my children. Our relationship was conducted entirely separately to family life, and that was just fine.

It's been so long now though, I'm starting to feel that everyone in this mess is living a lie, and that we are now robbing our current spouses of a fairly significant chunk of their lives

I'm possibly ready to start thinking about leaving, but I very much doubt that he will even consider it.

Cannot believe that bit by bit, this is where my life has ended up.

I'm also wondering why the MM is getting so much stick and his situation is seen as very different from the OP's. They've both been having an affair for 4 years and neither of them has left their OH. The OP is just as bad a catch as the MM because they've both proved themselves capable of years of deceit.

The OP is deluding herself about lots of things and doesn't seem to understand her own situation. She says things like, 'our relationship was conducted entirely separately from family life, and that was just fine'. Of course it was separate from family life; it has been (and continues to be) an affair. It wouldn't be an affair if it were part of family life. And it may have been 'just fine' for them but I'm not sure their OHs would disagree.

No good can come of this affair and the best thing is that the OP walks away from it and leaves her husband. There won't be a happily ever after; the OP has to sort out her life and make her own happily ever after.

I haven't read any replies yet op but this -

He will also ALWAYS make his children his absolute top priority in everything is absolute bollocks. Of course he isn't putting his children first, he's cheating on their mother with someone else.

Think how many lives will be devastated because of your actions. How selfish of you both. You could of at least had the decency to end it with your husband before starting another 'relationship' with the om.

Chances are he won't leave his wife for you.

I'm now going to rtft.

I'm sorry op, but people like you make my piss boil.

Yes....tell your husband so that he can fully understand who his wife really is, and then tell your other man's wife, poor woman. It'll be a year or more of hell, but it will be the start of cleaning the mess up allowing others the chance to make fully informed choices. 'Providing a stable environment to the kids' is such a massive bullshit of an excuse. How does one conduct a four year affair 'entirely separately' to family life? Just not possible. Good luck, hope it works out for you all.

The MM does seem to be getting most of theme blame despite them both doing the same thing!

If anything it's worse on the OPs side as she will plan to take the children with her leaving their dad with no choice but to lose his children for the majority of the time.

I wonder if both spouses actually know and are just turning a blind eye, it's unlikely you can sneak around for four years and your partner have no idea.

I went away and made a cup of tea and thought some more

Thing is OP whilst you've had the illusion of being in control of the affair and impression management to the rest of the world - you're not in control at all. More than that, if you and MM did decide to give it a go you won't be able to control the consequences of your actions because people will do and say what they believe is right.

So you're going to lose an awful lot of the life you've had, one way or another. You can choose the right way and leave your marriage and the MM which will at least be the more honest way (although you will always have the risk that the affair will come to light) or you can carry on with a man who you KNOW changes his priorities to suit himself (as do you by the way). And there is still the risk that your H or his DW will find out.

This won't end well OP. It just won't.

This won't end well op.

Exactly this ^^

Are you prepared for the realisation that you may lose your dc and never seem them again? Some of the women who have posted have mentioned their ex-dh's don't see their dc anymore as their dc disown them and don't want to see them.

Just because you're female it doesn't make it any different.

My ExH and his affair partner carried on in this fashion for six years. It was no romantic love story I can tell you. Rather they perpetuated a serious fraud against me and her husband that had serious consequences. In reliance on their lies I fundamentally altered my position, paying for a big wedding, putting my finances into the marital pot, putting my savings into a house purchase with ExH, stepping back in my career, going part time, having DC. All the time ExH and OW knew he wasn't committed to the relationship and they were expending his resources - and mine and DC's - on their seedy affair. The DC and I are now homeless and reliant on my parents to support us. I had a great career before the affair started and would have had every chance of finding a relationship where I really was cherished, loved and respected, instead of the hollow reality of the fraud. The pair of them should be in prison for what they've done, not living in my house playing happy families. It's no different in my opinion than embezzling someone out of their savings, befriending an old person to benefit from their will or any other crime of deception - in fact it's more dispicable and disgusting because it's perpetuated against the people you are supposed to love the most your spouse and children. I don't have any more sympathy for you than I would for any other conman.

I wont rip you to shreds, either, but this will not end well if you dont take control NOW.

After four years, you know in your heart that the OM wont be leaving his family for you.

Your marriage is dead and the decision to end it is long overdue. But there will be happy ending here, and deep down you know that.

You're going to need to gather all your strength and cut ties with the OM, then make some tough decisions about your marriage and future.

Start now.

*NO happy ending

What are you going to do OP?

If you decide to leave your H (whether or not the MM wants you) what are you going to say when he asks the inevitable question "is there someone else" because he will ask that question.

Wouldn't be in your shoes. Not for anything.

OP you sound extremely unhappy. I think your MM has made it quite clear that he's not going to leave and it sounds like your marriage to your husband is essentially over. I'd end the affair and work towards ending your marriage as well. I don't think I would tell him about the affair as it will cause a load of hurt that isn't necessary. But I really think you need to get out of both relationships, they both sound unhealthy. I'm sorry you've ended up in this situation, I'm sure you're well aware it's partly of your own doing but that doesn't take away from the fact it sounds like you're in a rubbish marriage. Please don't sit around hoping the MM will start a new life with you as I think you'll end up very disappointed. You need to take control of your life, it will be scary as you've been with your husband for such a long time but you can do it.

Itcantbelove Mon 11-Aug-14 06:51:12

Does anyone having an affair ever leave both their husband and the married man to be single?

ha that is so true ! always trotted out as the thing to do but does anyone ever really do it?

I'm sorry but everything in your post OP screams ' I'm feeling sorry for myself'. I don't seen any sense of remorse or insight into the deceitful way you are both conducting your lives.
Your marriage 'cake' is now unbearably stale and now you'd like to jump ship and embark on eating the cream sponge before that one hits the sell by date but the other cake doesn't want to be eaten completely...you get the analogy.
Do everyone a favour, including yourself, end the affair and either salvage your marriage or walk away.

You cannot surely believe that 4 years of playing around behind your partners back is 'fine' just because he doesn't know?? It's not separate as you are in a marriage so whatever you are doing emotionally and sexually with someone else is impacting on how you are in that marriage, you are not really 'there' with your DH, it's unfair to him and your kids, you can't rationalise that reality away.

Sorry to read this OP. I can't imagine how painful it is.

You said that he makes it clear that he loves you. I'm sure he does. But you haven't said that he doesn't love his wife. Is that so? I have read so much on and around the dreary subject of affairs in the last 2 years (H had an affair) that I have realised that 'love' means many difference things to different people. He may 'love' you in one way but still 'love' his wife in another. Whether either of those two ways of loving are good ones only you and his wife can judge (except she can't as she isn't entirely clued in, is she?).

So he loves you and he loves her. So maybe his marriage isn't bad and he isn't unhappy. And he hasn't brought up the subject of leaving? Therein lies the rub IMO. If he isn't even pretending that he wants to leave her and be with you, the likelihood is that he doesn't and he won't.

If I were you I'd end the affair, address your marriage and either mend it or end it. Let your lover do the same. Don't pin your happiness on whether some man, who may or may not want the same things as you, takes the actions you want him to.

It's all very well you thinking OM is a great father and puts his kids first, but it's an illusion. By being with you, he's putting himself first. Also his kids could hate him and all but cut him off if they find out - it won't be up to him if they are old enough to decide for themselves. Also if his wife finds out he's cheating, she could divorce him and then this fab dad will not live with his dc all the time any more.

It seems quite clear that there was a lot wrong with your marriage before you embarked on this affair (doesn't mean it's ok) but I wonder if that was the case for OM as well. How can you condone and be involved in the destruction of his family? He might have told you all sorts of tall tales or even convinced himself of them.

How is your marriage going to get better if you are having an affair? If you are certain your marriage is dead, end it and live by yourself. Don't do it with the expectation the OM will do the same, do it for yourself and see what happens.

Stop having sex with MM, for a good long time - 6 months? - and see what happens, see how much he 'loves' you.

It's so hard not to give you a flaming OP. what you both are doing is so horrible, so reprehensible; yet your op bleets - no other word for it - that you can't believe how you've ended up like this.

You 'ended up like this' the minute you consented to the affair, the minute you crossed that line (it's a big line to cross); but you told yourself it was just a distraction, lots if people do it, it's not so bad, we're all human, no-one will get hurt as long as they don't know. They do get hurt op. You first?

Your wonderful om is not so wonderful. He is capable, as are you, of serious deceit and betrayal. Don't go saying he's doing it to protect those he loves.

Just for the record: as far as I know I have never been a betrayed spouse/partner. This is my reaction to your situation, with no vested interest. It would be the reaction of the majority should it become known.

Sort yourself out, lovely: you've been taken for a ride by two men in two significant relationships; one a brute, one with kid gloves. They're both much of a muchness, you're the common denominator.

That's not to absolve you though, sorry.

I read your post earlier and don't usually comment on things as Im not much of a writer but it has been bothering me all morning.

Both my parents were married when they met each other. My mother had 3 children. She married young and I guess she felt she was stuck in a rut.
My dad was newly married and a bit rock and roll. He was good looking, liked loud music and parties.
I have never really asked many questions so don't know the full details but my mum basically ran off with my dad and left her husband to bring up their children alone.
She went on to have 3 more children (I'm number 2) with my dad and had no contact with her other children until I was 10 years old. I didn't even know about them and the few photos that we did have were hidden away.

My whole life growing up I felt like my mum was very distant, she didn't seem to have much enthusiasm bringing us up. She had no contact with any of her family even though we lived in the same town so I never met my grandparents, aunts, cousins etc.

My dad worked a lot so wasn't around much but when he was home they would drink, argue, fight and at times it would get so bad that the police would have to come round and break things up. My mum kept so much bottled up and I guess she resented my dad for not being this perfect man she gave up her family for. She was outcasted by her family and all her friends had nothing to do with her. She was isolated from her life and as a result became completely dependant onmy dad for everything.

My dad was a terrible flirt with other women and very controlling at home. If he was in a mood we all suffered with him. He left us at one point when he met another woman and that really pushed my mum to the edge. We went through a horrible time where my siblings and I basically had to look after ourselves. One night I walked in on her trying to take her own life. My parents got back together soon after but we had another 5 years of fighting, 2 more suicide attempts and nearly had our home repossessed.

Suprisingly they are still together today and my mum now has a good relationship with all her children and grandchildren. We have had a few awful things happen within our family but seem to have come out of it okay. My feelings on the subject are a bit all over the place. I can't get my head around what my parents did, I hated the way that my siblings and I had to live with all of the drama but I would not exist if they hadn't run off together.

My point is , if you need your situation to change then you must start with yourself. You need to really think about what is wrong with your marriage, what you are missing from your life and whether it is worth changing everyones life to be with this other man. If you one day realise he is not quite what you expected or he decides to move on again then you may be left in a much worse place than you are in right now.

Leave your husband if you feel your marriage can't be fixed but Please don't expect that this man can fix all the problems in your life.

What a wonderful, inciteful post fudgefeet; family life is hugely complex and so many of us have our lives thrown into turmoil by the actions of our parents. It's not always easy.

Go and get 70 things - paperclips, matches, pebbly shit, cheerios - it doesn't matter what they are.

Put 37 of them to one side. That's the 37 years you've already spent on this earth. Look at the pile that's left. 33 and counting - if you are lucky, of course.

Is this how you want to spend the next 33 years of your life?

You have colluded in creating a tangled web of shite, really. There are at 3 other adults and a number of children involved in it. Aren't you exhausted?

So stop it. Just stop.

Leave your DH, finish it with the MM (who is NOT putting his kids first btw, but that's a whole other thing).

Start being honest with your self - what do you want from your life?

Because in what seems like 5 minutes, the next year will be over, then the next, then the next. All this time you're wasting in an unhappy life .

Separate the two issues: 1) your relationship with your husband 2) the situation with the other man. Treat them as unrelated.

1. Your relationship with your husband is already over and you owe it to him to be decent and end it.

2. may or may not work out one day but you need to focus energy on 1) first for the sake of your kids and closure.

His kids could indeed 'hate him and all but cut him off' if they find out - but I suspect the fear of that happening prevents him from doing the 'decent' thing and leaving his (presumably) unsatisfactory marriage.

Yes Mugg1ns but MM might slip up and the whole thing would then be involuntary on his part.

Nothing to say here other than I think the OP should end both the affair and the marriage. It does happen, I know of two such situations.