So, here I am at the age of 37, hoping that a married man is going to leave his wife for me. How did my life come to this? :-(

[ThunderHeart]

I've been married since I was 19, and have 2 primary school aged children.

Dh is a decent enough man, but he is pretty rubbish as a husband. He's hurt me very deeply several times over the years, and each time I stayed in the relationship because I have always been utterly besotted with him and could never imagine my life without him (especially once we had children).

However, once my youngest child went to school, I gradually started to detach from dh for the first time in my adult life. I started finding time spent not with him more enjoyable than the time I did spend with him. It was a totally alien feeling, but I loved it. I finally felt free. None of his selfishness or thoughtlessness could hurt me anymore, because I was finally getting to a point where it didn't matter to me.

It was around this time that I met someone else. Someone who is so so different to dh in every way. We've been 'together' now for nearly 4 years.

When it first started, I had NO intention of leaving dh whatsoever. My life was quite nice, and new man, whilst lovely, was just my way of feeling better about myself after all the years of being let down by dh.

But it didn't turn out like that. New man is everything that dh has never been, and I feel more loved by him than I ever have by dh. He adores me, he doesn't need to tell me - I just know, and I've never felt that before.

He will also ALWAYS make his children his absolute top priority in everything. Providing them with a stable family background is very important to him. At first I was glad of this, as I felt equally determined to do the same for my children. Our relationship was conducted entirely separately to family life, and that was just fine.

It's been so long now though, I'm starting to feel that everyone in this mess is living a lie, and that we are now robbing our current spouses of a fairly significant chunk of their lives

I'm possibly ready to start thinking about leaving, but I very much doubt that he will even consider it.

Cannot believe that bit by bit, this is where my life has ended up.

Yeah.
A man who cheats on his wife for 4 years is a real catch op
You are so utterly deluded it's heartbreaking.

If you were the real love of MM's life he would have left his wife a long time ago. After 4 years you've fallen into the role of the fantasy bit on the side. It works for him, he gets to keep the comforts of home, his family, and I bet you any money regular sex with his wife, as well as a bit of a thrill outside of that with someone who thinks he is wonderful and doesn't have to live with his less than lovely habits.

If he did leave his wife would become the one he couldn't have, and you'd be the every day mundane. It happens such a lot, but everyone thinks their situation is different, unique, the real deal.

What's the saying? Oh what a twisted web we weave, when at first we do deceive! It's very difficult to lay foundations in life when those foundations are based on lies and deceit.
You have been with DH since you were young so perhaps did not have the wisdom or strength to try to resolve the destructive issues within your marriage. Instead of either trying to work through the problems or leave your DH, you chose to start an affair with a married man. You know this situation is a bloody mess but is nothing compared to what will happen if you tried to leave your marriage to set up a life with OM.
Do you work? If not, I would advise you to focus your efforts on that ie looking for work or undertaking education/training to help you gain employment. That way, you will be in a better position, financially at least, to help support yourself. I would also advise that you get some therapy/counselling to help you work out why your self esteem is so low.
You need to free yourself of both if these relationships so you can find a way forward in your life. Is your DH providing for you and DC financially whilst you are out conducting an affair behind his back? Do you think he suspects. I guess lying and deceiving becomes easier over time and comes naturally to you now.
This mess is because of the choices that you made. The resolution of this mess is also down to the decisions you can choose to make.

I don't know. It's a tough one. When there is marriage, a house, children, a shared life involved and to consider, it can be very difficult to leave that without their being a 'reason'. Just not being happy isn't good enough. Which is why so many people find, and then leave for, an OW/OM.

He may well love you very much, OP, but a relationship that's built so fundamentally on lies and deceit is not 'real' in any meaningful sense, for either of you.

And when it has gone on for so long, he is unlikely to ever leave her of his own volition.

New man is not a nice man or making children his priority. He is making a conscious decision to betray his wife and mother of his children and potentially cause huge upset to his children's lives. You're doing the same.

How could you ever trust him? How could he ever trust you? He doesn't adore you, he is living his life with his wife.

Leave your husband if you aren't happy, absolutely you're entitled to do so. Nobody should be unhappy. However don't expect a happy ending.

It's not that heartbreaking badvoc. OP is doing the exact same. My mum has a saying 'there's not two houses spoilt'

I think it's deeply sad that a grown woman would accept this state of affairs (please excuse, no pun intended)
Every single person in this scenario deserves better, except for the mm of course, who I imagine is as happy as a pig in shit!

why does the mm get a worse drubbing than the OP Badvoc? How do we know his marriage isn't also unhappy and lacking whatever the OP gives him? It doesn't justify an affair at all, but I hate the generalisations and utter certainty that people use on threads like this "He WON'T leave". "You WILL be cheated on if you get together". "You WILL be villified". I left my DH for another (single) man. 8 years and 2 kids later, we are very happy. The reality of living with my now DH was of course different to the "best version" of him that I saw in the early days, but I made a choice after about 4 months to tell my DH and leave. Family and friends were shocked and upset, 8 yrs on, none of them don't talk to me over it. They understand that life is difficult and there are reasons why it happened. OP I do strongly recommend that you find the courage to leave your DH and it is not fair on him to be denying him the chance to find someone who really loves him - your kids will cope if you two handle it right - but be prepared for the fact that you may well not end up with the mm. If you DO, then you may not ever have a good relationship with each others' kids if you are the cause of their parents' splitting up. Only if you both finished your marriages and left a decent interval before starting up together could that possibly happen. My MIL is with a man who left his wife for her. 30 years later, his daughters still will not see her or go to her house. Good luck.

If the mm was that unhappy he would have left by now.
4 years?
Come on...
He has it all doesn't he?
A wife at home, lovely kids, the perfect family life...the op has said this.
And he gets his kicks on the side.
It amazes me how many women are willing to put up with this situation for some attention and affection.
And yes, I think it's sad.
I think it's very unlikely he will leave his wife. Unless she finds out and throws him out of course.
And even if that happens I think it would be very unlikely that he would then happily settle down with the op.

Some good advice on here op.

Who knows how things will turnout.

I have a good friend who was seeing a married man, they have been happily married for 20 years.

The difference is she was single and child free when they met. His children, both young at the time,have never spoken to him again. His wife caused a lit of hassle for both of them and all of their mutual friends took the wife's side.

I think it would be a good idea for you to see a counsellor and get some perspective on this.

One thing I will say is that he is not a great dad. He has put his children in a situation where their mother can divorce him. Children are not that easily fooled you know.

I think your case is different though, fairylights.

What you describe is meeting another person, quite unexpectedly, and leaving your then husband after 4 months.

That's quite different to an affair where the married person is maintaining a marriage with no intention of leaving for years on end...

Very different indeed.

But badvoc OP is doing the exact same. She isn't some naive innocent party in this either.

My exH has suffered a great deal, and far more than I have, as a result of his affair.

It affected him professionally (she was a colleague, he was greatly respected, neither of them has really recovered from it in that sense); he has lost his home (he lives with his parents); lost a number of his friends (mutual friends didn't 'side' with him, but a lot abandoned him); personally, it has destroyed his sense of self - it's not real whilst it happens behind closed doors. People don't have to face up to what they're doing until and unless it's out in the open. Then they are forced to see their great love affair through the eyes of other people. And it's never such a rosy view.

Especially when there are children involved.

Fairy...your case is very different to the op.

Neither of you are putting your children first, imagine the impact on them when it's discovered.

Cheating for four years is very unlikely to develop into a relationship that stands the test of time. Given you both cheated, one at least is statistically likely to do so again.

Fairy lights-

Telling your husband you'd met someone else after 4 months is very different to this mm NOT telling his wife after 4 years don't you think??

And also not the same as the OP not telling her husband after 4 years, too...

Some people are conveniently forgetting that the MM they are vilifying so strongly is not doing anything different to the OP...

Just saying...

Yeah totally agree folkgirl...

There are 2 people being disrespected and mugged off and two sets of dc being lied to and deceived. What a mess.

How can you possibly put your children first if you are risking their foundations by having your way with another woman? The same goes for you OP. lets make it clear that you are both slightly delusion on that score.

Four years! That makes the deceit worse! It doesn't mean it must be love because its lasted so long rather that IMO you must be excellent at lies and deceit as yous have yet to be caught. And when you get caught you two utterly selfish people will tear apart the lives of those who you claim to be protecting.

You and MM might deserve that but your respective families do not. What you are doing is wrong and you are risking everyone's world everytime you get together.

I think you will end up regretting this and if it does all come out. You already know that his wife and kids are more important than you. So don't expect him to come running to you when it all comes out. Especially when he cuts you off to save his marriage. When/if he does that will he still be amazing?

Time for a reality check. And MN will give you one.

I think the bottom line is, that anyone can make a lifetime commitment to someone else, fall out of love with that person over time and meet someone else. Or think they're in love but then meet someone else and realise that they need to leave their marriage and give this new relationship a chance. Like fairy did.

It takes a special level of deception to continue a relationship with someone else for 4 years whilst not arousing suspicion.

I wouldn't be able to do it.

Yes, mamma I agree. What a mess.

Quitelikely (I understand it is a rhetorical question and you aren't actually looking for an answer... but I'm going to give one anyway for the OP's benefit...)

The answer is, he isn't putting his children first. That's the line he's feeding the OP so that he doesn't have to make himself the 'bad guy' by leaving. So that he doesn't have to make his actions public. So that he doesn't have to face the repercussions. He doesn't want to make a commitment to her, otherwise he would already have done so.

It's like I said earlier, the best she can hope for is that his wife will discover and kick him out and that's no way to start a Happily Ever After!

I certainly couldn't lie so deeply for 4 years- I'd be a nervous wreck! What happened to fairy is much more understandable- it happens. It's what I always say on these threads, if you're unhappy in a relationship, unhappy enough to meet someone else, it's time to end it. The devastation affairs cause is horrendous. The impact on children is just one reason it's wrong.

OP do you think your DH has any idea about this affair? 4 years is a very long time to hide something like this. I don't know how you have been able to not just come out with it and tell him after all this time. The guilt would just eat me up....

When do you see MM? What do you say to your DH about where you have been?

My ex husband left for an OW 4 years ago - the love of his life - and there were children of all ages on both sides 7, of them to be exact. I don't know how long the affair was going on before it came out but at a rough guess I'd say 2 years maybe. They're still together with her children who are all in close contact with their father's who also play an active role in their upbringing and socially with the OW (my ex's now partner).

Sadly, it seems, my ex husband is not happy and it hasn't turned out the way he envisaged on any level. He had to move very far away from his job to be with her so does a horrendous commute and has to live away from 'home' during the week. He lost contact with friends because, well, initially they were so horrified and disgusted with him. So he had to start again. My children cut him out of their lives, except for our DD who has very minimal contact and views her dad as a sad, deceitful and piteous figure.

In short he has no role in his child's life and no substantial role in the new family - he has his 'prize' but nothing more as far as I can tell. Knowing my ex husband as I do (despite all that comes with realising you're with someone who can act so utterly 'unlike' themselves during an affair) I would say he is lonely and such loneliness can't be addressed by the new partner since she was involved in creating the situation they're in.

Lonely is how I felt when he was conducting an affair and I didn't know about it. Very, very lonely. But I don't feel like that now and I wish he'd left me much sooner than he did because you're right OP you ARE robbing your respective families of the lives they deserve but can't have whilst you are carrying on an affair. They have the right to make choices too and they have the right to pursue their own happiness just like you.