Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships 30

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Re sol - I had a few appts before I found one who didn't show me the gobsmacked shocked face. You need a wordly, tough sol on your side. Mine was recommended by friend who'd been in similar situation.

It's a free half hour, so take your list of questions along - but don't leave it lying around. What are your financial rights (have a rough breakdown of assets, income, pension, debts). What can sol do to help you attain safety before anything else. If you leave to attain safety, how will that affect your right to house. There will be many others, but these spring to mind. If your kids are grown up, it could be you could move out and demand your share via sols.

Hi breathe - thanks

Mine isn't free but a fixed £90 for the first appointment regardless of how long the appointment is.
I have found someone who specialises in family law.
I have a breakdown of assets, income etc
I really want this to be useful so wanted to go prepared. But I have been so anxious about it all that I can't think straight.

I really don't want the anxiety and panic to get any worse because I won't be able to work. Does anyone else have this problem.
I'm on anti dep for anxiety as it is.

My fixed fee first appointment was much more helpful than the previous free half hours I'd had with other solicitors. Hope yours is too.

Hi.
I am feeling much calmer today.
I don't know whether it's because I have made my decision to leave (or ask him to leave. )
For the past few weeks I have gone to sleep thinking and worrying about our relationship and woken up worrying and anxious. Today I feel strong.
Solicitors tomorrow. Supposed to be couples counselling tomorrow night but I don't think I will go.
He is being nice now. Which surprisingly makes me more anxious.

He is out all day Saturday at football and away Sunday for a few days. My worry now is telling him. How and when

He saw my Lundy Bancroft book that I had left on my bed. He commented on it and I asked him if he would like to read it. To which he replied he didn't need to.

Be careful please FFF. When they realise you're getting strong enough to leave - that's when you're in the most danger.

Thank you Alice x

Hi all, thought id check in as haven't been in for while.
Am off work this week and next with the kids and trying to do stuff rather than sit around the house. I think this actually annoys fw more, as even though he has a go at me for moping round the house instead of doing stuff with him I can tell it's annoys him more when I do lots on my own or with the kids. On the last occasion when he was seeing someone else he was quite horrible to me when I was quite down, however when I started getting back on track and moving on that's when he came back, I'm sure he can't stand me being independent etc, but it is hard as I also go through phases of feeling really down and defeated.
It's obvious to me I'm happier when he is not around as I do more but he just can't see it.
No major upsets this week, just the normal barely speaking.

I feel like I want to do stuff around the house etc but it's like I can't while he is still here, dunno if that's a bit weird. I have ideas and plans for the house but feel like I can't do them, it's just like I can't move forward with anything even the simple things and it's so depressing, I have visions of all the stuff id do and achieve once we are properly separated, I wish he would just do the decent thing and leave

Bizkit I kind of understand what you mean, I think. For example, when my KD (kids dad) was just slumped about the house, I couldn't really seem to get motivated to get things done. It was like he sucked all the life and energy out of me. I felt drained - I think because I stressed over so much and was walking on egg shells so much that I just wanted to curl up in a ball and not do anything. Now that it's just myself and the dcs, I feel energized enough to get things done and make progress.

Finally beginning to feel human again (more or less), and DC antibiotics all taking effect. Phew. And I'm very proud to announce I kept KD at arms length and politely declined his offers of help. Although it was good of him to offer, I refused in part because I don't want to give him the wrong idea, which he would surely have got. Ultimately I just don't want to lead him on. He's being ridiculously nice, very (almost irritatingly!) respectful and understanding of my wishes to just 'hibernate' and get over this chest infection with DC on my own, and keeps sending motivational texts/pics to cheer me up.

Gaah post too soon..

Anyway..as I was saying, he's pulling out all the stops..and I really, really wish I could believe this is a permanent change in him, I wish I could trust that he means it when he says things will be different 'this time', but I can't, I just can't. I just hope this 'good behaviour' stays intact when I tell him I doubt a reconciliation will ever be on the cards.

All being well I'm meeting him for a child free coffee tomorrow and hopefully I'll be able to clearly articulate how I feel. We shall see if he actually listens.

Sorry I'm a bit 'me me' but this illness has knocked the oomph out if me. Sending good vibes to all

Yep, Curt I hear you on that. KD was showing an amazing bit of behaviour for a few weeks. Until I scratched beneath the surface, found a few glaring lies, and mentioned them. FW behaviour all around. Turns out he doesn't like his "I'm a lovely guy" act interrupted by facts.

I also found out that while he was attempting to show me what a great guy he was and trying to "win me back", he was making the same overtures to his OW again as well. Apparently he was just waiting to see who would crack first. I can only assume it was OW.

Oh wow alice..what a true douche he is! I had heard that KD had met someone a few weeks back and was dating, but he assures me there's no truth in it and there's been no one else since we separated. Not sure I believe that, not entirely sure I care one way or the other tbh. One thing's for sure, if I was considering 'trying again' (and I'm not), but if I was and I caught even a whiff of him dating at the same time, it would be instant game over again. He always was one for keeping his options open ..and then he wonders why I doubted his fidelity..

Curt I suspect that him telling me he was going to be "housesitting" for a relative in the near future for a few weeks was his way of clearing a bit of time to go stay with her and scope out whether or not she'll take him back. The relatives he said he'd be staying at are maybe 10-20 minutes from MIL's house at most, and he was saying he wouldn't be able to do the contact visit during those two weeks. Seriously? Blow off the dcs because of an extra 10-20 minutes on the bus? I don't buy it for a second.

Hello all! Just breezing in to say how marvellous everything is in sunny (rainy) South Wales

My decree nisi was pronounced a couple of weeks ago. Court is looming for children and financial matters but although it's a horrible headache that is all it is - nothing to fear as such anymore.

I hope I've not crashed into anything major... just felt the need to touch base

Me too with the decree nisi, Tis!

Wishing you strength for court - absence of fear is a wonderful thing!

Best wishes that everything goes well for you in court LeClerc

I am waiting for the other shoe to fall right now. KD is again preparing huge changes without saying anything to me. Changes that will again dramatically affect the dcs and his relationship with them. I will say that if he does what I believe he is planning, then that it is. Contact will be severed. I cannot put the dcs through this again.

Interesting that in the same email that he told me he would be more honest and upfront about these kind of things, he lied about it all.

alice..if that turns out to be what's best for your DC, then it's too bad for him. From what I've read on your posts, you've given him chance after chance to do right by your DC and time and again he's blown it.

I had a couple of child free hours to meet KD for coffee earlier. I won't go into detail but needless to say I feel emotionally bankrupt right now. He will not give up on us, he says. And I have never seen him so anxious, sincere, upset; he's never been this convincing. His debts are under control, he's made his house 'homey' and bought 3 toddler beds from ebay for our DC because 'I hope the four of you will spend a weekend with me when the time feels right.' And the biggest news is he's landed himself a job with his old company which will see him working away mon-fri. He hopes we'll skype and miss each other. He says he knows he was never the husband I deserved and he will prove his worth, to both me and our DC.

God I so so so want to believe him but I can't, can I? I said very little, my main point being that I do love him, but I can't trust him. He said it's a start. Kicking myself now for even saying it. He seems so different, humble almost, and it's really thrown me. I've lost the anger that fuelled a lot of my inner strength.

I would say that he needs to focus on being a proper daddy for now. KD acted a good act for a few weeks... then it all fell apart when I didn't fall in a puddle at his feet.

You saw how much I wobbled when he was mid-act. He did the "that's enough for now, that you haven't just kicked me out..." even though I told him it wasn't going to happen, that I didn't trust him. He did the "he knows he wasn't the husband and father he should have been" and the "I will prove myself, I will win you back no matter how long it takes..." And within a week when he wasn't getting the reaction from me that he expected, he turned his focus back to OW.

The man blatantly said he still loved me, that she was a mistake... blah blah... denied saying anything bad about me (even though I saw it FFS!)... he did the sad sad face, the tortured "woe is me I've lost your trust" face... I'm beginning to think the attempt on ds2's birthday was a half hearted attempt to manipulate, based on some of his behaviour and comments.

But he was still lying, still trying to manipulate, and still doesn't give a rat's arse about me or the dcs.

I know. I've told him he needs to step up where our DC are concerned and he says he knows, and that he will make up the lack of financial support from his first wage, and then set up a standing order for an agreed amount. I'll believe that when it happens and as for the rest..I'll reserve judgement for now as I'm not sure what I think or feel right now. I need to process everything. I'm glad he's finally sorting his life out, but whether I play any part in his future is still something I'm afraid to even contemplate right now.

History dictates I can't trust him. What do I do if he proves I can?

I wouldn't worry about it. Most likely a few weeks will sort the question for you. He's probably going to expect some kind of commitment and change from you within weeks. IMO you can't trust anything that isn't maintained for a minimum of a year. What's his longest track record of good behaviour previously?

If you want to, you can always say "look, I'm not prepared to discuss this right now. I can't trust you and I won't trust anything from you for quite some time. Let's review it in a year. And in the meantime, you focus on being a decent dad, and we're both free agents. I'm not waiting around for you. We'll see where we're both at in a year's time."

alice..I like how that sounds. It's not closing the door entirely on the prospect of a future, but it has an air of 'my terms' rather than him deciding how it should be. If he's serious then he'll accept that. I think his track record of maintaining decent behaviour after he became a fw is around 8 months. He's asked for 6 months, no commitment, just take it as it comes, to show me things will be different. After the 6 months is up he says he'll ask me again how I feel about a reconciliation and take it from there. Until then he's just wanting regular contact with DC and a more open dialogue between us.