Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships 30

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Exactly. As I said, he would fully expect me to sacrifice everything/anything and go without to pay for what the dcs need - but he wouldn't do it. I think he's demonstrated that pretty well.

when do you manage to stop yourself following the habits you had with your ex?

it's hard to actually make myself feel like we're not together. maybe I can't shake the feeling that we will be again, so I have to act like we're together in the meantime, so that can happen. I feel like I can't go out with friends or have a drink, the things he doesn't approve of. he shouldn't have power over me anymore, but he does, I still don't want to do things that would upset him.

does it take a while to actually feel like it's over?

Not sure sadie. I don't go out in the evenings and such simply because I have no babysitter and my ds1 is disabled, so it's impossible to find a reliable sitter. But I go out during the school day and meet friends for lunch or browse in town if I want to. Or watch what I want on the television.

But ask yourself this - why SHOULDN'T you go out with friends or have a drink? There's absolutely nothing wrong with doing this when you ARE in a relationship. He's just made you feel like you shouldn't have a LIFE. And that's just wrong. Maybe it would help if you made a point of doing something like that, even just once a week, to get past that "taboo" feeling? You might get to enjoy it! [grin[

KD and MIL were here for an hour, then left. Spent more time chatting with me, a small amount of time chatting with dcs, but to be fair, it was uncomfortable anyway. I had to take KD into the kitchen away from dcs long enough to discuss maintenance, and he was a bit disgruntled that I insisted he start paying even just £20 per month to show that he was making an effort to be a responsible parent.

I was right though - he is applying for PIP/DLA for his condition. I didn't think he'd go back to work willingly. He'd actually be fine to work if he took better care of himself and stopped smoking, but he doesn't want to work and that's that.

I'd rather work - but can't due to my situation. Ah, the irony.

Okay. quick vent if allowed.

1- KD was actually annoyed that (after asking how long before we can file for divorce) he can't file before May. Although he can't afford it anyway and he was quite happy to let me pay for it all. He was slightly disgrunted that I'd already spoken to a solicitor. (And he completely ignored his mother saying "well of course KD should help pay for filing fees")

2- When I told KD that I could file before that, due to specific reasons, he asked what reasons. "How come you can file sooner but I can't?" I said because of what you've done - he said "what??" So I pointed out that I could RELATE those reasons to him, but then his mum sitting right there would hear everything and asked him if he really wanted me to do that? So he says "well, say whatever you have to so it goes through, I'll agree to it." Um, I will only be telling the truth! Does it not seem to you as if he doesn't feel STILL that he's done anything wrong, and that anything he sees in the divorce paperwork will be (in his opinion) FICTION to get the divorce through?!?! grrrrrrrrr

3- He whinged and hemmed and hawed about money, saying he didn't have much. I said that since he hadn't bothered to even ask if I had enough to pay for the dcs' needs, he wasn't exactly impressing me much. I told that the dcs were as much his responsibility as mine and that he MUST pay a monthly amount of maintenance to show that he realised he had a responsibility towards them.

But again - he's right back to where he was when we first separated. He doesn't want to admit his finances, doesn't want to pay money to help support the dcs, not bothered to spend time with them, not interested in being a grown up. Maybe I should call him PP instead of KD. You know, Peter Pan? As in never growing up? sigh

I don't know if this makes sense, but I feel that I'm mentally struggling with the pressure of being expected to have this civil and polite "almost friends" relationship with him, especially in front of MIL when he makes my skin crawl and I am really angry at him and his lack of care or responsibility towards the dcs and the last place I want to be is anywhere near him.

Sorry, it was overwhelming in my head and I had to get it out......

I'm not surprised the almost-civilness gets to you, Alice. I had two minutes of unpleasantries with FW at handover today (during which he managed to criticise me twice) and was fuming/jittery by turns for the next hour or so. I realised that I avoid social contact with him, but I need to make that a conscious rule in my head so I'm clear what my boundary is.

I've just had a lovely, relaxing week with the DCs at my parents' house. Back to reality now. FW here is moaning about finances, too. But he doesn't want to work out a new level of maintenance based on his changed salary. He wants to talk about it, with me. Of course.

Sorry, should've said civilness or almost-friendness rather than combining the two in an almost-criticism! :o

I just want to feel free to dislike him and not deal with him. He is gaslighting in a major way - acting like nothing bad happened in our marriage, that he hasn't done anything wrong, that we separated due to just not wanting to be together anymore.

It is like he is battering against every fucking boundary I put in place.

When my counselling starts back up again in a couple weeks, I'm going to talk to her about going through the child contact centre and how that will help me put some distance and "formalise" the contact visits more. I know it's only temporary, but at least then for 10 weeks, I can maintain my equilibrium. It also means he'll have to show up and have meaningful contact with JUST the children. Maybe it will help him learn how to interact with them. We'll see. It will have to be one child at a time, as I suspect he will not be able to cope with both. Perhaps I'll try with both first and see. It will be helpful to get documentation from the centre on how he deals with them.

I think that he will say initially that he doesn't want to do the contact centre, but at this point, I'm willing to pay the £50 myself, just to have a place for 10 weeks assured.

alice contact centre seems a good idea as it would formalise the process, no more last minute changes or manipulation. But would it be wasted money if he refused it?

No because if he refused it would just add to my documentation and go against him in court

Sorry, was on phone and being brief as I can't type worth beans on it. lol

No, I don't think they take the money if he declares that he is unwilling to go through it. But if he refuses, even if the money's been paid, it's worth it to have the documentation showing that he had opportunity for contact and refused to cooperate.

He's still playing games and lying. I have been made aware of a few more lies, so I am just waiting for it all to fall apart and then I'm just pulling the plug on all of it. If he wants to make a mess of his life, that's his problem, but I am not about to allow him to emotionally damage the dcs as well.

God, I can't wait until my counselling starts back up in a few weeks.

Talk it over with counsellor by all means, but it sounds like the best solution. As you say he might benefit by having one on one time, and although he might not like the situation he's had so many chances and doing it 'his way' isn't helping anyone and making your life impossible with all tha running around after him. How soon could you start? It wouldn't be forever, 10 weeks is hardly a lifetime!

I'm going to ring them tomorrow and ask them about it. I still have the paperwork from before when I was getting it started. I never got it turned in, as I found out he'd quit his job and moved out of town without even saying - which was why he had been "ill" for a couple weeks and couldn't see the dcs. He literally abandoned them for 4 months so there was no point in even going ahead with it at that point.

He's back in the area but I suspect he is getting ready to do another flit. I'm going to get the paperwork started and just put off contact visit over the next couple weeks (if he even is interested anyway - he doesn't seem to be that much), and then go from there.

I'm still steaming that while going through his old email account on my internet service (I was forwarding a few things of documentation, as well as a few bills that were paid by email so the receipts were in the email and I wanted to keep them in my own account for a record of payments made), I found that he'd been signing up to singles sites to find local singles... while we were still living together - months before we separated. What. A. Charmer. Just firms up my resolve that he is a class A FW and has prompted me to redo my boundaries and set them in stone now. The lies lately have been piling up unbelievably.

thatsnot I'm sorely tempted to just say that's it, no contact. I honestly don't think he'll agree to the contact centre anyway. But I'll bring it up to him in writing and see what he responds with.

Hi all, hope you're as well as can be expected.

I'm being blamed for kids not calling him - I have to remind them to do it because his behaviour is so peculiar that they don't really want to deal with it, despite loving him. But it's my fault as I'm driving a wedge, apparently

Found this really good website, not sure if it's already been talked about on here!

www.abuseandrelationships.org/index.html

Breathe how irritating for you. What nonsense. I don't think he'll ever admit to being at fault there.

I think KD has rung and spoke to the dcs maybe 3 times, and each time he's spoken a total of perhaps 2 minutes tops - and that's speaking to both of them!! It wasn't even his suggestion to ring - it was mine.

Hi Breathe. Hope you're ignoring him! The DCs should call him if they want to and not be forced into it, surely? As long as he is having regular contact with them, he hasn't got a leg to stand on with his complaint. Wishing you strength.

Alice, good to hear you sounding strong and determined.

Hi all..DC's and I are all fighting chest infections. Awful. My parents are away and I just feel so isolated. DC are so poorly and I can barely breathe for coughing. KD has offered to come down to 'help'.. not sure what his idea of help is as when DC or I were poorly during our relationship, he never lifted a finger. I'm concerned he'd see my agreeing to let him come over as a green light for reconciliation as I'm far too down to start fighting boundaries etc, but I really need a hand and his is the only one that's been offered.

Wish me strength to not let him brow beat me into submission, please.

Curt oh, so sorry to hear you're all ill. Hope you're feeling better soon. Sending those "healing vibes" your way so you can ignore your FW.

Oh Curt that sounds so exhausting, I hope you feel better soon. Sending you strength ....

Hi all.

Curt - hope your feeling better soon.
Alice - I really feel for you. I don't know anything about contact centres so can't offer any useful advice. That must be very stressful for you.

Hi breathe and Charlotte

It's my solicitors appointment on wed. H doesn't know. Had a horrendous few weeks.
Could do with some advice as to what to ask the solicitor. I am very anxious xx

Hi sweetie, I was just reading your other thread. I am so sorry things have been so awful . It's always easy to see how things should be from the outside but hellish to undo the psychological tendrils that have wrapped round your brain for 20 odd years - I've been with my stbx that long too and it has taken me years to go from puzzled questioning of my situation to full blown realisation that I have thrown in my lot with an actual abuser. It's a shock but don't feel in any way that's it's your fault - he'll be doing the blaming because he's an abuser. Stay strong and keep posting xxxxx and stay safe

Oh, I wish I could say something helpful, Fff, but I still don't really feel I know what solicitors do!