Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships 30

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Wrt anxious DC..DD1 is still so distressed with nursery, that after speaking with her key worker and outlining that due to the last 6 months and KD, I'm not sure she's emotionally ready for this. She was lovely. She 'got' it. She advised I take her out for now, ger her back into the routine she was in at home, and then after half term we can try again, one hour at a time, then one morning..and so on. I can't bear to see DD1 a nervous wreck like that for the sake of nursery when I know the social interaction she was having before was fine.

Gaaah..post too soon!

And so it begins..KD and I had agreed he'd visit DC this afternoon..park, mcds etc. He's just text to say 'something's come up..soz won't make it..maybe tomorrow, if not then next weekend for sure..'

Knob knob knob. Shouldn't be surprised we're back to this now he knows I'm not up for reconciliation. Stupid, stupid man. Luckily I hadb't told DC he was coming with us, so we're togging up and off out with them none the wiser. It's all good. Well, it's not, he's a fw, but at least he doesn't get to upset them.

Curt That's good regarding your dd1 and nursery. Sounds like they're happy to wait and then work with you, so you can relax knowing you've tried and will now go a route that will be easier on her.

Make sure you are still documenting everything so you have the cancellation. Are you going back to "if you miss the contact, that's it until the next arranged one?" to keep him from jerking you around constantly?

alice..It really is a lovely nursery and they were great about DD1 just not being quite 'there' yet, even suggesting I pop in with her over the next few weeks to say hi, keep it light etc. Really pleased with them.

I've text to say if he can't give me a definite for tomorrow by 6pm tonight then I'll be making plans to take DC out with my parents and he can wait til next week. No reply as yet. Most definitely NOT letting him dictate my weekends to me with 'possibly' and 'maybe'!

Oooh yes! I got a text from his mum yesterday to say she was on her way over! No 'is it ok if..' no 'are you busy today..' Just 'I'm on my way to your house to see DC' WTAF?!!! I replied that she most certainly wasn't just going to turn up at ny home willy nilly without invite or preamble and that DC and I have a life outside the home these days. She didn't reply. Dunno if she turned up, we weren't in anyway!

Oh my, that IS cheeky of his mum!! Good for you telling her no.

This weekend is an exercise in shutting down the dcs shouting and screaming when they get angry. For so long, they had it reinforced that when you're angry you can shout and stomp about due to KD doing it all the time. It's been something that was still being done in front of them for over 9 months after we separated every single time he came over to visit them.

So now... I am making a concerted effort to enforce the "no shouting" rule in our house. Every time they shout, they get one warning and then it's up to the bedroom and stay up there until you're calm and not shouting. They need to understand that this is NOT the way to deal with anger or irritation.

Unbelievable woman..hasn't spoken to me since the twins were newborn, didn't want anything to do with DD1 etc..then just texts like we're on friendly terms! I'm also not impressed KD gave her my number without asking. Symptomatic of their family, just walk all over every one else regardless. Having none of it. I was hoping to speak to him about that today but that's a bust now.

Good for you, instilling in them that shouting and stomping has no place in your home anymore. Terrible to think that kind of behaviour could have ingrained on them like that and now you have the not so enviable task of trying to erase it. Hopefully you'll nip it in the bud.

Appointment for legal advice today, not feeling very optimistic though, even if they say I can get him off tenancy I know I will never be able to go through with that. He has no where to go and not enough money to pay for rents elsewhere. That's on top of the constant guilt tripping I get.

Such a shit situation, I feel drained with it all.

Bizkit He is an adult. There is no reason on earth that he cannot get off his arse and find somewhere to stay if he has to. Family, friends, rent a room, there are all sorts of options.

Do you think that if he was in your position that he would hesitate for even a second before throwing you out and letting you fend for yourself??

At some point you need to stop worrying about him and start thinking about yourself. Get all the information you can today and start putting yourself first. You matter, too, you know. YOU are important and YOU have a right to be happy and safe. Please don't forget that.

Bizkit I can only second what alice has already said. The guilt is awful (been there, done that), but he is an adult, and he will sort himself out. I know you still feel responsible for him, I felt the same. That's because we're good people who have a conscience and even after everything, they're our children's dad, our husbands..the thought of them struggling isn't a pleasant one.

When I left KD, I took a leap into the unknown, not even sure how much or even if I'd get any help towards rent etc but I did it, with 3 babies in tow! KD had the family home and he lost it because he was so shit with money. I felt massively guilty, but you know what, it was his fault, not mine. It's sink or swim. He sunk for a bit, but he sorted himself out and he's swimming like crazy now.

very in agreement with whats already been said. I think you'll be surprised at what he is actually capable of once he's not your extra dependent.

I had a couple of those, and it really is shocking what they manage to achieve after leaving.

I used to have to drive mine around, particularly for work, or he wouldn't be able to work ??? soon got his licence once he didn't have a taxi driver. I used to have to do 7 washes a week to accommodate all his changes of clothes in one day... turned out when he had to go to launderette short-term that actually he didn't need so many changes daily.

I was guilt ridden with the thought of him having to struggle at all in a small place of his own - he now has a new gf, shiney new DC, and shiney new house.

When I think of all the energy I wasted on guilt, or taking responsibility for another adult in any way.

Just been trying to tackle some of the vast list of difficult and urgent jobs that have been long-outstanding and left to pile-up due to the spaghetti head mess dealing!

take care all xx

I would have to apply for a transfer of tenancy, which would cost a fee but not sure how much...might get help.
Then I would basically have to wait for a court hearing, and we would both have to argue our reasons for staying in the house to a judge who will decide who goes, but this could take a long time.

I just gotta decide if I have the courage To go through with it.

The alternative is for me to move but again it's finding suitable housing and an understanding landlord

She advises I go for it or nothing will ever change and she understands me moving will be difficult.

Couple things to consider I think.

1- which is likely to be cheapest for you in the long run, factoring in legal fees and everything... fighting him for the tenancy or moving yourself?

2- which is likely to be less stressful for you in the long run?

3- which is likely to move you closer to freedom faster so you can live your own life?

Is he absolutely adamant he is not going to go?

Merely tossing that out there because I think sometimes we cling on to everything so tightly because we're scared of the change, but sometimes that change is good for us.

Curt if I may be nosy, how did you manage to find another place to live and get together the money for deposit and such? (if you don't mind my asking)

alice I looked in the local paper for private landlords (estate agencies wouldn't touch me due to variable income because I freelance) but it was actually visiting my parents, I saw a house had come empty close to them, got the landlord number from a neighbour, looked at the house and after having a very frank chat with him about my situation, he said I could move in within the week. I had no savings but managed to borrow some money from my brother and sell a couple if things to cover the deposit.

I always maintain that I was exceptionally lucky to find such an understanding landlord. He waited 2 months for his first month's rent while I applied for HB etc. Very lucky.

Hello all, and big hugs to all. Throwing my contribution into the hat here again.

I also struggled to get an estate agency to touch me due to being freelance. I toyed with getting my parents to be guarantors, which would have been feasible even though they are retired (they have a decent pension, something I will never have!). But the upfront fees estate agencies charge are pretty high.

But I also kept looking on Gumtree and found a flat, went to see it, twas perfect.
Again, I was very lucky - turned out the landlord kinda knew my parents and his brother lives across the road from them. Due to this he accepted a very low deposit (only £250). But I had been searching for 2 months at that point - I probably wouldn't have considered that flat in the beginning. After 2 months of living unhappily with my parents I jumped at it. And it was a lovely flat, lovely landlord, lived there with the kids for 18 months and it was the best place I could have been.

But Gumtree/other private landlord search sites are definitely worth considering. More likely to be flexible than an agency.

It can be done, and for me it was the only option as he flatly refused to leave. He figured that if he stayed put I'd have to do the same. He massively underestimated my will to be away ftom him.

the other alternative is that he is abusive and can removed by the police,at which point you seek a residency order from the court, which would over-rule any claim he may have on staying in the property.

also, if you are 'forced to leave' aproperty as a result of DA you will have access to other services to support your rehoming. Try speaking to WA? they will definitely know

I will be the first to admit that thankfully KD moved out to MIL's - although he thought this was a temporary thing as he (quite wrongly) thought it would blow over and I'd want him back within a few weeks. Because in his mind, he'd done nothing wrong.

While he was still "humouring" me, I asked him to take his name off the tenancy. He agreed (very much "if that's what you need me to do").

If he had refused to move, I would have had to seriously consider uprooting the dcs and moving, requesting help from WA, SS, or where ever I could get it. I was very worried that he would fly off the handle and hurt one of the dcs, and I spent all my time making sure he was never alone with either of them.

I absolutely take my hat off to all of you who managed to get your FW to leave. My name wasn't on the tenancy for the family home (thanks to the 'wonderful' estate agent who didn't consider my freelancing as work or income [confused, or that I needed any type of security!)

Much happier in this place, no ghosts, no bad memories, and he has no claim to it. Plus I get to say 'Get out of my house' when he's playing up..priceless

I've just forwarded the emails of the dating site that KD signed up to and was doing dating searches on (looking for a woman in the area between 25 and 49 - at 44, he was hoping, eh?) ... it's all now safely tucked away for use if needed, including his profile of his screen name "horny1" (how charmingly original, eh?). The clincher? I looked up the date and time that he was on the site.... a Sunday evening, just after dcs in bed. We both would have been home - him sitting in the living room with me "playing on his FB game" and me watching telly or on here, trying to get support because he was abusive.

What. A. Twat.

correction, us both sitting in living room (hence the "with me") ... him across the room on his laptop playing his FB game.

What a twat, indeed, alice..I still remember the countless times KD shut down MSN or FB if I walked into the room, or sat on his laptop opposite me 'playing a game' but if I went to sit next to him he'd quickly close it. Ah..the good old days..not!

Curt I think some days I have a tendency to reflect a bit on the relationship and I wonder "why couldn't he just be a regular guy that treated us well? Why weren't we enough for him?" It's sad and maddening and some days I waffle between a bit of sadness and sheer anger at the way he's behaved.

It's going on 7 wks since he's seen them. He hasn't made any contact at all since August to even ask if they're okay or anything. Don't get me wrong, I actually deal with the NC better, as obviously it's less FWery and less stress overall, but it baffles me how someone can so easily dismiss their own children? And what in the blazes does he DO with all his time. He's not working. I know he was on multiple dating sites, don't have a clue if he's back with OW or not (because he's proven that being WITH someone doesn't preclude going on dating sites ), drinking, hanging out online playing games and chatting with women. Not even sure if he's still living with MIL. Just odd.

Thanks for the support guys, been thinking what to do

It would cost more to move myself I think by time I've paid deposits and months rent in advance plus estate agents fees and moving costs.

However it would be more stressful to go through a court hearing and the atmosphere at home would inevitably get worse.

Moving could be a good thing as he'd have no hold over me but it would be a battle still, he won't let me go without a fight and probably say I'm taking the kids away from their home etc. I also worry where we'd end up, what the landlord will be like etc, we have a very nice understanding landlord at the moment and like others have said it takes luck to find a place when having too claim housing benefit.

He didn't say anything about it last night even though he knew I had the appointment if anything he is being a little nice. I will tell him our two options and see what happens from there.

Bizkit I would suggest starting to have a little look around just in case. You might get lucky and find something nice and affordable with a good landlord just by chance. And if you don't, as long as you're looking quietly, you're no worse off.

I wouldn't stress over taking the kids away from their home. Kids adapt to moves generally, and realistically think about the benefits to them of not being in that abusive atmosphere constantly. You have to look at how it will benefit them overall, not just the change in location.