Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships 30

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Can't sleep
Just laid into me big time as he found out I've got an appointment with solicitor booked.
I'm now an arsehole and a cunt,.

Feel worn down again, dunno if I can go through with the appointment now

I can't sleep either!

I am still suffering with the after effects of living with an intimidating dominator. Jumping at noises, and I just heard a door handle rattle like someone was trying to get in and now I'm terrified.

I remember being where you are Biz scared to act because of worrying about his words/actions.

Its vital at this stage for you, that he can't 'get through' to you. That he doesn't have any air time, that you put yourself in a metaphorical bubble that he can't get through.

It is all so exhausting, but it is actually a very positive thing that you spoke to someone atthe women's centre and now have an appointment.

Its only his words that have seeped through your defences to challenge what you know is the right move for you (not for him of course, but it is for you!).

So, that saying, 'Sticks and stones... but words will never hurt me' use it as your mantra to keep out his words. I think it can take some time for us to stop giving their words consideration. Our words matter more.

I hope you are ok xx

Bizkit Keep the appointment, but please be careful. It's at this stage when the abuser realises you're serious about leaving that they can become very dangerous. Keep safe. And well done on speaking to them and making the appointment. It's scary, but it's a step towards being free.

Sugar Hope you're okay and managed some sleep eventually.

Thanks guys
I'm dreading what mood he will be in when he gets home.

Last night he was just yelling and swearing at me, so I locked myself in the bathroom and he stood outside and carried on,this woke DD and he just said oh she's upset now hope your ready for all that when you tear the family apart etc, he then went outside so I went in to see to her and he came storming back up asking what I was doing, he told me to get out and get in there, pointing towards our room and said leave her alone stay away from her etc my heart was pounding. I tried to calm him down a bit.

DD has mentioned this today, asked if I was happy last night? To which I responded not really, she said she wasn't either and she didn't like the bit when daddy told you to stay away from me..why did he say that?

I mean how do I respond to that from an 8yr old

Bizkit That doesn't sound very safe. Do you have things sorted so you can leave immediately with dd if you need to? And PLEASE next time he does that to you, RING THE POLICE. Get it documented. Protect yourself and your dd.

Bizkit I recognise that scenario so well! The true answer is - daddy doesn't want to see you comforted as he wants there to be maximum hurt, to make me as guilty as possible... But you can't say that...

I do think that by remaining neutral, or minimising these things, we run the risk of confusing the DCs. They think this is wrong, and they are correct. It's very wrong and they need to have that feeling validated. Would it be best along the lines of 'I don't know why Daddy did that, but It wasn't ok'

Should have said - hi I'm trying to de lurk a bit as there's always so much going on

God yes what Alice said too! Grief we get so used to this being the norm.

bizkit you can ring the police when he does that non stop ranting thing! they take it seriously, esp,with a child around. I rang the police a few months ago as I just needed it to stop, and they came and made him leave for the night. You are trying to leave so no worries about social services, tell the police when they come you are divorcing - you never know, they might persuade him to leave permanently- along the lines of, we ll arrest you if we get called out again so maybe be better if you moved out.

I bloody HATE being shouted at. It's very hard to describe the effect of it but I think that is what it's going to take me longest to recover from, just being shouted,at for such long periods of time. Hope it's ok for you tonight.

I didn't realise they would do that Sus thats quite a revelation to me. there are so many nights/times he would have been taken out, if only i'd been sus enough to realise what he was doing wasn't because I was so crap and it was my fault he was having to be that way!!!!?

I swear I have brain damage from the noise he made at me for long periods of time.

I do agree the DCs need a clear message that its wrong to behave that way and must not happen again and you will be telling him that. She is looking for validation clearly, and it was very healthy stuff her telling you how it made her feel. This is because you are a good mum

No I didn't realise they would take it that seriously either, will bear it in mind.

I just told her I don't know why he said that, he thinks mummy is being mean, she asked why and I just told her is was very complicated, she also said I wonder what daddy will be like when he comes home tonight, suggesting she is feeling anxious.

He hasn't said a word to me yet, I'm gonna have a shower and try and get to bed early before he has a chance to say anything, my plan is to ignore as much as possible if he does

I didn't really think about it but he was shouting and then he went and called my dad to tell him what I was like and was shouting at him and I just snapped and had to make it stop, I called 101 and they were round in about ten mins. The he shouted at them, so I felt vindicated,!

They put on report I was worried it would escalate to violence, which I hadn't said but I guess aggressive shouting can do, so they were right really.

The next day a police officer from da unit called me and gave me a right talking to as was second time i had called them, she was absolutely brilliant and even though that was back in jan, I think that was the point I knew it was over. I left but had a wobble and went back. This time I m doing the legal route so it's all done and dusted .

But I found police brilliant on this. Both times they just got it- more than me probably.

The shouting is awful. KD would shake me awake to rant and shout at me, waking the babies and terrifying DD1 (who was more often than not sleeping next to me as he dragged the duvet off or ragged my pillow to wake me )

I love our peaceful nights now. Just one more reason of a million reasons to never ever take him back.

Yes, I really struggled with the shouting. My dad was a shouter. And the funny thing is, raised voice here and there happens. Calling upstairs to have the dcs come down. Or even just a quick shout of "STOP!" when they are both screaming and fighting with each other, just to get their attention. But the sustained shouting AT someone, directed right at someone, saying horrible things... just hated it. And it was every single day.. a number of times a day. He lost his belt? He shouted at EVERYONE until it was found. And pointing out that if (for once) he'd actually put it in the same place (drawer) every evening, he'd know right where it was did NOT help the situation... found that out! He misplaced his key? Again.. shouting at everyone until it was found. AND it was my fault he misplaced his key. And it was my fault he couldn't find it.

Just wears you out after a while and everything feels like it's battering on your ears and your head.

For the first few days after we separated, I just walked around enjoying the quiet (well, the lack of shouting... the dcs are still noisy! ).

We have a "no shouting" rule now which I often have to remind the dcs of. They learned from him that shouting when you're angry is the way to go, and now it's a habit I'm slowly trying to get them out of.

I have noticed that those couple times he was at my house this summer, he talked SO LOUD and aggressively. One step short of shouting sometimes. It just set my nerves on edge.

Raised voices happen, occasionally, that's true, bit I was raised in a very quiet household. Literally my parents rarely shouted, they spoke to each other with respect and aside from a little bickering, they still do. My brother and I were raised to believe shouting solves nothing, something I can now teach my own DC without KD barging around terrifying us all. Even a whiff of shouting/verbal abuse from him when he's in my home and he's out on his ear. Full stop.

I started feeling like there was literally nowhere I could go in my own home to avoid him shouting. If I togged up the DC to get away for a bit (park, cafe..anywhere!), he'd take my phone or my spare key then lock us out until I apologised for whatever bullshit he could come up with. If I went to bed, he'd storm up and wake DC, then say it was my fault for going to bed. If I locked myself in the bathroom, he'd either shout through the door at me, take the door handle off, or on one occasion bash the door open. That time, he told me I needed to fix the damage as it was my fault for locking the door. That constant barrage of shouting and name calling..

Yes, KD saw nothing wrong with towering over a scared 3yo shouting at him and calling him stupid. He literally could not SPEAK to the dcs properly. NEVER said "Could you please pick up your shoes and put them in your room?" It was barking a command, shouting. And on numerous occasions when I pointed out that he needs to treat them with respect, so they learn how to treat others with respect, he would say either "they have to EARN respect" or "they're kids - I don't have to respect them, they have to do as they're told." You can just about imagine how the teenage years would go, right?

Honestly, he STILL doesn't "hear" the difference between asking nicely and ordering with a shout. If I said to him "please ask the boys to hang up their jackets" he would shout at them "go pick up your jackets!". When I said "you didn't need to shout, just say it politely" he would say "I DID!"

And yet, if they shouted, he'd get cross and tell them to shut up. Ah, the irony. Teaching them to shout and then being cross because they do.....

It really just beggars belief, alice, just how all FW brains seem to be wired the same! Truly bizarre how their mind's work

KD may be all sweetness and light around us now (mostly!), but it's not something I feel I can trust to continue. So I won't. He showed me just last week that his nasty outbursts are just simmering under his charming veneer, and he now knows that any ideas he had of reconciliation are firmly off the cards. The upshot of that being he's gone spectacularly quiet, hasn't skyped DC at all this week, one phone call and a text to ask if money for DC had gone into my account on Wednesday, which it had.

I'm loving how quiet my brain is without the constant contact of the last few months!

Curt He'll be regrouping for another charm assault. He seems spectacularly persistent. It's really a shame he doesn't put as much effort into being a good dad as he does trying to mess with your head and get you back. But, much like my KD, that doesn't occur to him, as he feels he IS a good dad, right?

alice 'spectacularly persistent' is spot on. He's always been that way. He absolutely hates to lose. Therefore he just flatly refuses to give in, even when all the evidence points to a no win..he's like a dog with a bone! I know me being the one to leave really got to him, as he was always the one threatening to leave me. I didn't threaten, I just did it, and he never would have - far too easy to just stay put and carry on being an abusive, entitled, over-grown manchild.

And yes, for some bizarre reason he thinks he's an ace dad because he's good at Lego and can name all the In The Night Garden characters. Well, so can I, but as essential as that is, I've also changed countless nappies, had 4 years of sleepless nights (so far!), given countless baths, spooned calpol into poorly little people whilst wringing my hands wondering if they needed the doctor..he's never done any of that more than once or twice..and that's not to mention recovering from 2 c-sections, breastfeeding, mastitis and a zillion other things that make us actual parents.

I have reported all the above to the police. Nothing has been recorded as DV. He threw DD across room onto her bed bent over and bellowed straight into her face whilst pinning her down, he shouted and shouted at me, pursued me round house, had me hemmed into a corner, I shut myself in bathroom, he wrenched door open and carried on whilst I peed! never caring if it woke DC, and often it did and crying would ensue then I'd be up dealing... noone calls him for it. Its all fine, friends think I'm just mad and over-reacting, and 'everyone loses it now and again' type rubbish. I really don't think they have any concept of how it actually is to be shouted at so loudly your brain literally 'bangs'.

... and the police and services.. well crap!

he is relentless, dog with a bone thing... if I don't answer the phone its on and on continual til I pick up. I used to turn phone off, but then soon realised that would make him mad so would be scared and switch it on again and receive a barrage of messages and voicemails screaming down the phone at me - all very lovely, and all very fine and just my fault for having wound him up!

Little DC worrying about FWs behaviour when he gets home is starting the egg-shell walking very young, and they do. Learn v quickly.

aha ha! I had to laugh at that Curt I recall him telling everyone how DC1 slept through every night. I really did wonder which house he was living in! and the different reports of DC behaviour, he had different DC to me clearly!

its clear they are just fucking nuts

It's really helpful for you all to have this place to write things down, because these guys have acted so horribly and you can reread this in case you weaken.

Hi just popping in to clear the brain fuzz in my head. I wish I knew back then what I know now - re: walking on eggshells, and DCs learning the same. DD is 10 now, away from her Dad, but a nervous wreck. I'm hoping to get some kind of counselling at some point, as I'm reaching the limit of my ability to help her. Trying to teach them 'normal' behaviour is so so hard when they've been through years of it. I'm currently working on helping her stand up for herself - she's so used to just keeping other people happy with no regards for her own feelings.

Just waffling now. I'm rattled by a phone call for him for the first time in a couple of months. So reasonable, telling me he's not going to get mad (ultra reasonable voie). So softly spoken I would have fallen for it a year ago. Now I stick to my stock line - ever since your last threat of strangulation I refuse to speak to you directly. Let me know if you wish to attend mediation. And hang up. And now wait for the sparks to fly...

children and standing up for themselves:

Stand up for yourself - Free Spirit Publishing
When Dad hurts Mom - healing the wounds of children witnessing abuse

• who else? Lundy!!

Cheers sugar, 'stick up for yourself' now purchased! Likely to be relocating soon, and I would love for DD to enter a new school with better self-esteem