Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships 30

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

It's me again, after a awful night.

He has no ownership of his past and how it effects me now, 12 years later.

He has gone to bed, I won't remember in the morning so he has the upper hand - again

Curly why wouldn't you remember in the morning? What's happened?

wanted I can relate to your feelings of guilt / blame re the affair and I've had similar questions about whether I'm responsible in some way for all the subsequent abuse, in my case from 15 years ago (and never admitted or discussed but he knew something was up, it was in retrospect fairly tame, a drunken kiss after an office party but I was involved with the guy for a few months afterwards) and I read threads here about women losing trust after an affair and wonder if its all my fault so to speak. (which it isn't, he was treating my badly before my 'affair' and my mistake was not to listen to my feelings at the time) but think of it this way: he's had 20 years to deal with this, the fault is equally his if he cannot come to terms with it. Abusive men will use any proverbial stick to beat you with, he's picking up on your guilty feelings and throwing it back at you.

I get blamed for all sorts, but I do realize now that he's projecting all of his guilt and unhappiness with himself onto me (thanks to counselling). Mainly in his eyes I am guilty of not loving him (true) and evidently that manifests itself in everything I do, i.e. not buttering his toast correctly, so it's a no-win situation! I'd be very careful about couples counselling, am tempted to try it myself because I want H to hear from someone else that he's a d*ckhead, but I think he'd turn it around.

curly hope all ok?

thatsnot haven't seen you in a while. Glad to see you. Hope things are going okay with you.

thatsnot so you were accused of not having buttered his toast properly? I can relate to that. I was once thoroughly chastised for having cut the carrots too big. He made a big fuss, and it wasn't even for something that he was going to eat. Thank you for sharing - your story reminded me of my carrots incident - and for the understanding.

I also thought about things before my affair. There is one memory that stands out as something that made me a bit puzzled, and I wonder if it was a red flag. At one stage we were living close to a friend of mine, and I used to meet her once a week for a dance class. I would get home around 9.30pm. He would be in bed, asleep (or, I sometimes thought, pretending to be asleep). I felt unhappy that he wasn't still up as usually I had wanted to share stuff about the evening, and had to wait until the next morning to tell him what a great class I had attended, or give him news of my friend.

Wanted it all sounds so familiar when you consider any issue, any situation, it's always all about him, isn't it? And he always knows the 'right' way to do things and if/when you do things wrong he is always right there ready to point that out. LOL re: your carrots, I too am incapable of so many things you have to wonder, at what point in their past did they actually have a life-defining moment where (for example) the carrots were cut TO ABSOLUTE PERFECTION and ever since then they've been an authority and therefore unable to tolerate any deviation from perfect carrot-cutting. I cannot cook with H watching. Or drive. He has accused me of not breathing correctly. I'm 'not allowed' to sit on the sofa with my legs crossed as it isn't normal...

Alice sigh I'm not doing too well. I just cannot figure out how to go, I still am lacking a 'Nigella moment' where he is undeniably abusive so I can point to something real. I can point to loads of things, but I so want him to be clearly defective, so clearly in the wrong, with no doubts in my mind that it's partly my own fault. But truly, it is partly my own fault, for staying and engaging. AAAARRRG! Going around in circles again!

thatsnot if you're unhappy, surely that's reason enough.

Alice I know it should be but it's not... anyway, my big problem is simply the logistics of how to physically split. I get conflicting advice-- WA say one thing, solicitor says another, a friend who is going through a divorce said another. Before I started posting here I thought he was just a sh*t person but now having read through all sorts of advice I am frightened that he will become violent if he becomes aware of my intention to leave. So I do nothing so as not to cause suspician. So I'm stuck in a rut and totally fed up. Having counselling but getting nowhere.

thatsnot I understand. I'm not judging. Just a gentle reminder. Sometimes we get caught up in things and forget that our feelings matter too.

thatsnot I am glad that my carrots incident made you laugh. I laugh too. If I didn't, I would cry. What I realise now is that a reasonable person who wished to make a suggestion would simply say, I think those carrots need to be a bit smaller. Not make a great fuss, call me stupid and useless for not knowing how big the carrots should be.

I like the term "Nigella moment". I haven't had one of those either.

I also have trouble thinking through the logistics of a possible split. One of my friends no longer has her children living with her. I couldn't bear that. And he has promised that he would make my life hell if we separate.

It would all be so much easier if he could just decide to be nice.

Hi all..I like the term Nigella Moment..trying to remember what mine was but there were so many towards the end, I can't put my finger on a definitive one!

So during skyping with DC last night, I told him not to call me later as I wanted a night to just chill out and potter about. He was definitely suspicious, asked if I had plans etc, to which I answered no, I just want a night to myself. Well he managed to respect my wishes up to a point, exchanging the call for a couple of 'miss chatting with you' texts and then a goodnight text. Mehh.

Oh, I stuck to my guns wrt cancelling our party invite. Told him not a chance would I do DC out of an afternoon at the soft play centre, friends, birthday cake, balloons etc, over an afternoon with grandparents who couldn't be arsed with them for the last 18 months. He laughed and said fine..and that he likes this more 'take no prisoners' version of me .

Hello all I am a lurker and I have posted on previous threads. My situation is so similar to all of yours and I think I have finally reached my Nigella moment ! Did leave before but went back. Feel calmer about the whole thing now although it's very hard toget him to accept it , everytime i mention it he goes nuts and says his life is over . Trying to get all my ducks in a row now and wondered if those who had been through it had any thoughts on these questions ?

1. can I get legal aid for my divorce as I have a letter from social services after a police visit where i feared his shouting would escalate to violence - the letter is warning us that if if the police are involved again they will take action? (as second time I called them)
2. Seems like i need to try mediation . I am assuming he won't agree so do i book initial appt. then book joint appt, they write to him and when he won't turn up I can go straight to court?
3. finally, we live togther, he won't move and i really don't want to not least for logistical school/work reasons. how to cope?! what on earth will happen when the divorce petition turns up and I am here?

to all

For what its; worth, my nigella moment was when i put ketchup on dd's plate as fw dished up the bacon and eggs he had cooked - she would't eat the eggs (sometimes doesn't as not keen) and he went ballistic and said it was because ketchup is disgusting with eggs. Yelled at me for ages in front of her, reduced me to absolute sobbing tears which she had t o comfort me from. Oh, and this on day 2 of our holiday after a lovely morning.

Not what I want dd to remember from her childhood!

sus14 hello and welcome to the thread . As unhelpful as this might sound, sometimes the only way is to leave yourself. It's not ideal but it's doable, and it's what I and many others have ended up having to do. There came a point when all other logistics and reasons just flew out the window and getting away from him was the only thing that mattered.

I think my main Nigella Moments happened when his verbal abuse and destructive outbursts started happening in front of our 3 toddlers. To have them witness me literally on my knees sobbing, to have my 3yo say she would try to make me a coffee to help me feel better and telling her daddy that mummy is sad and needs a cuddle (and him saying mummy is naughty and doesn't deserve a cuddle)...yes..those were the moments that told me I needed to get them out of that toxicity.

And now he's busy pulling out all the stops trying to show me he's changed and win me back.

Yes curtwild that's what happened (and it's certainly not the first time, but the first time for a while), I'd forgotten that, dd cuddling me and then very bravely going to tell daddy that he had made mummy very very sad.

Your one does sound very persistent, i saw a counsellor for a few sessions before it got too expensive, and she said that with mine - it was trying to get him to let me go - some people are just obsessive and hard to shake off. Sounds like you have one of those too.

This morning I have

1. researched online and I think I am eligible for legal aid but I have to write to social services askng for confirmation that I have been assessed at risk of dv which terrifies me so not sure ... but thinking it could cost a lot due to fwittery.
2. spoken to WA about risk of going to social services - they can't say - but in theory ss should support me as I am trying to leave
3. left a message for local WA to see what they think as will know local sit and to ask for support as I do this final thing
4. left message for mediation service to set up initial assessment as Ithink i need to show willing and invite him to a mediation session, if he doesn't turn up then they can put that on my divorce petition.
5. found marriage certificate so i have all the documents I need now.
6. found hiding place for all my documentation re divorce.

I may have to leave but would involve going to my parents which is just so stressful. If I can get legal aid then that at least would help if I needed to rent - but I would have to borrow that money from my parents and not sure they would agree as they have the space (it's just v stressful living there )

Oh and I've rung a big solicitors firm which accepts legal aid to ask them if I am eligible -they're calling me back.

Just to clarify I obviously didn't let her try to make me a coffee!!

Very persistent, yes. The fact that I left him is something he just couldn't fathom. I had to borrow money to leave, too, luckily my brother was able to help. But my god, was it worth the upheaval..to know that he has no rights to my home, to knoe that I don't have to let him in because it was never his home..worth its weight in gold. Of course he moved into a place at the top of my street which heightened my stress for a while, but he works away during the week now so at least he's not able to (attempt) to pop in when he feels like it!

And as for reconcilliation..the one thing I am sure if is I'd never live with him again. Other than that, my head is all over the place.

sus it looks like you've planned far better than I did! I just found a place, met the landlord, got the keys, packed up my babies and left! Talk about a leap into the unknown!

CurtWild did being able to "just find a place" make it easy to decide to leave?

sus14 well done for getting all the steps you have taken today.

thatsnot are you managing to look after your self-esteem at all? If you cannot leave (and I completely understand all the reasons for staying) then perhaps you can do a little thing to look after yourself a bit.

wanted I'd already made the decision, if I hadn't found this house I'd have moved in with my parents (very cramped but they were happy to have us for a spell) because it just couldn't go on like that any longer.

Curt, are you divorced? Planning to? You only have to talk to him about the DC. Did you decide to Skype much less? He is determined to keep his claws in you.

I would like to see you free!

I d love to just rent somewhere, but its v expensive where I am, would be almost double my entire salary :-(

hansie no not divorced and no chance of affording it any time in the near future. After the initial crappy skyping, he's kept it brief but engaged with DC during their session. No skype this evening as he's travelling home so it's worked out at 3 out of 5 nights which is enough.

I've also asked him not to call me every night which he's respected up to a point.

I'm recuperating from having a tooth surgically extracted. So I'm tired, my jaw is aching, and the stitches in my gum are uncomfortable. It was done Wednesday and is obviously better today, but just tired of feeling icky.

NC from KD, but then I've not contacted him either. I just wanted the week off from dealing with it all as I knew this dental thing would take a lot out of me. I'm curious to see how long he'll go before he asks to see the dcs. He doesn't seem that bothered now that he knows I'm not interested in reconciliation.

Curt yes, brace yourself for an onslaught over the weekend. I'll bet money he shows up with the ex-IL's anyway, even though you told him no. And he reiterates how much he wants to speak to you EVERY DAY when he's gone. And makes a point to mention he's still wearing his ring.

Those are my bets for the weekend. I'll be interested to see if I'm right. He seems to be doing the "two steps forward, one step back" dance right now... push until you stop him, back off, push a little more, back off, push a little more...

alice ouch! for you and hope it's a quick recovery!

Tonight he called when he got home and asked if he could come to mine to chill with a film and takeaway. Sounds scarily like what we'd do on his first night home when he worked away before. I told him so and he said he guessed old habits die hard. I also politely declined. After a bit of pointless cajoling he gave in and said he might go into town for a few drinks then, and that he'd text when he gets in [sceptical]

Tonight I have 3 spark out toddlers, I'm going to run a bath, make myself some supper then get an early night to charge my batteries for the prospect of 30+ hyper toddlers on a sugar high at the soft play centre party tomorrow.