Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships 30

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Fff, I would say, take the anxiety away by setting yourself a time limit. "I will make no further decisions on the future of this relationship for three months." Or six months. Or a year. Whatever you think is reasonable. After that time, you can reassess. If he's worth a LTR, then he'll still be around after that long.

Then, whenever you feel your mind slipping into the same contorted paths, mentally shrug and say to yourself, this is a decision for another day. Just be aware of how it all makes you feel at the moment. But no pressure.

Of course, mention NOTHING about time-limit thinking to him.

Hi guys, feeling really down in the dumps this weekend, I was ok during the week, I think the weekends are just worse as i can't plan anything, don't want to anything with fw as he will see it as everything being ok and won't help with his complete denial and I can't plan anything on my own with dc's as it causes problems, hopefully I will be ok again during this next week when he is working, am seriously considering going to drs and getting some anti-d's though, have snapped at DD a few times this morning and it's just due to stress, and I feel like a crappy mother.

Fw snapped at me the other day cos I sighed because I knocked a bit of paper off the fridge as I tried to squeeze past him in the kitchen, we have a tiny kitchen and he spends a lot of time standing in the doorway on his phone where it's plugged in, I've asked him not to do it as I either have to say excuse me several times or try and squeeze past,also can't get in and out of the fridge but he still does it, but has a go at me for sighing cos I've yet again knocked something down in an effort to get past...bloody don't stand there then! I asked you not to!! Grrrrrr

Think it also particularly bad at mo aswell because family member had baby which always drags up bad memories of my pregnancies and early days with a newborn which I can't forgive him for. Also he has been playing musical cars again, swapped a car then few days later bought another, I have no idea what money has been spent/lost and I wish I didn't have to care but I'm skint again after paying for all DS high school stuff and majority of the bills so unfortunately his money affects me, once I'm out the whole money thing will be such a huge weight of my shoulders and he can do what he likes and it won't make any difference to me..can't wait.

Bizkit no good advice I'm afraid. Do you have specific plans to leave? Or have any specific plans for him to leave? I know previously you said he wouldn't leave, so you seem to be in a holding pattern, that most likely just wears you down and stresses you out. I suspect he figures eventually you will just give up.

Lots of sympathy, Bizkit. I was thinking only recently how much easier time with the DCs is these days - I can just plan something, whereas before there would always have been complaints of being left out, or criticisms of what I'd planned or the money it'd cost or whatever he could think of, just so he could be negative! Never could be happy for us... oh no.

And the standing in the way and yet not expecting you to complain - that really resonates, too. Is it a total inability to understand that we exist, too?!?! It's bonkers!

It will indeed be better once you're out. Grit your teeth and keep on dreaming and planning.

When the grudge is so much it starts to envelope all aspects of your life and makes you incompetent to do anything... it comes across as emotional abuse!!

No specific plans to leave no, at the mo it's getting back to school out the way and DD's birthday, then I'm gonna have to try and have a word with him about either me moving or try and persuade him to do the decent thing and go, though I need to think of a strategy or some way of making it clear to him how staying this way is worse. I know he won't listen he never does will just tell me it's the wrong thing, but maybe the fact that I've actually made a little progress with getting some realistic figures on moving and have spoken to estate agents might make him realise in serious.

Had a lovely day out with kids on my own today, much less stressful than if he had come, I'm sure the kids are better behaved aswell, or maybe it's just cos I'm happier I don't get so stressed with them.

My birthday tomoz so will see how that goes, know it will probably be a shit evening at least once kids are bed

I contacted the child contact centre, as stbx finally agreed to be cooperative as I was making all the arrangements. But when I spoke to them, they now only go through referrals, and it has to be requested and paid for by the NRP (stbx), and he has to follow it up and organise it all before they will get my details and arrange it. Well, that's that then. He'll never pay for it, he'll never organise it, he'll never do ANYTHING when he can just sit back and complain and push over and over to have it at my house instead. So while I'll bring it up to him, I might as well give up on that, as he'll never cooperate if he has to actually put in an effort. sigh.

Hope everyone is doing alright. I finally got back to counselling this week now that school is back in session. Thank goodness! I was able to offload a lot of stressful feelings, and focus on solving certain situations so I could put them aside and no longer stress about them. I cannot believe the difference how stressed and wound up I was prior to the appointment and now afterwards. It's such a lifeline IMO. Helps me focus on what's important so I don't get lost in the "hassle" of everything.

I'm so pissed off tonight, fw's friend turned up as he told them he was going to be here, but he had planned to go out, why I don't know.
Anyway his friend was here to give him back the money he owed apparently fw had lent him money to pay for his car tax last week! I'm seething! I've been in my overdraft the last two months and have had to use £500 worth of savings just to stay in credit, I've paid for all my kids back to school stuff which was expensive as DS has started high school. He knew I was struggling cos I told him, he got paid last week and quite a good sum of money, apart from paying the council tax he ain't helped me with anything else but he will lend out when he knows I have no money!!!! He will never ever change, I'm just gonna have to try and be in bed when he gets back I think cos if I say anything it will blow. I'm planning on keeping the money given back though as I'm back in my overdraft and need food so sod it im having it, will mean I have to bring it up though...

Alice what sort of counselling do u use, I think I might need something to just have a release? A way to get some stress out. I had counselling for anxiety attacks a few yrs back but had to stop because the relationship problems were brought up everytime and she said it was too overwhelming for me to try and deal with that aswell as the anxiety attacks, she advised I sorted it first, I don't know of any service for people in my situation

I went through a group locally - it's technically a christian charity, however, they help anyone, regardless of religious beliefs, and religion has never EVER been brought up. I only pay £5 per session as I'm on benefits, and they discuss with you how much you can pay, so you're not overstretched. It took a couple months on the waiting list, but so much quicker than trying to go through the NHS (and one of the GPs told me I didn't need counselling anyway, that I'd "cope" as that's what women do ).

I was actually given the name of the local group through ds1's paediatrician. I think if you rang your surgery, they could probably refer you, or possibly samaritans if you rang them could advise you of some in your area.

I really can highly recommend going to counselling on your own (without FW). It has allowed me to vent, to talk through things, to help focus on what's important, to think about ways to cope, ways to negate the power some of the nonsense has on me... it's been a real lifesaver to me. I think I'd have drowned in all the stress in the last year if it wasn't for the counselling. I wasn't able to go over the summer due to childcare issues, and I could REALLY tell the difference. Huge relief that it's back on again.

Really pleased to hear you're back to the counselling and feeling the improvement, Alice. Well done for making it through the long summer!

Think I had some sort of break down this morning, threw a packet of cereal down on the work top whilst arguing and it split so the contents went everywhere, also smashed a plate on the floor, it was over him not telling me about arrangements for a family members party this afternoon, I just lost it specially after already being so annoyed about last night. I yelled I had enough etc again he called me a selfish bitch because I want to separate therefore I'm not putting them first. I told him I will move and he said move and leave the kids he will look after them as I'm in no fit state. I did lose it, I'm becoming just as bad as him but I can't take the tension, stress and frustration any longer. I was uncontrollably sobbing whilst I cleared the mess, then laid in bed for a few hrs have just managed to hawl myself up to eat something. I need help but he will use this against me now, I hate what he is doing to me

Bizkit Can you just take the dcs and leave? Have you spoken to Women's Aid?

I couldn't just leave, but I'm gonna try and get some legal advice now, before I get really ill, I'm not sure whether to go to the gp or not?

I had spoken women's aid a few weeks ago and they gave me a number to request a outreach support worker but never rang it, apart from the constant emotional blackmail and denial of it being over he hasn't done anything wrong, I've lost it this morning, he was thumping his fists down on the worktop and aggressively yelling at me but so was I.
I haven't seen the kids since as he has been out with them all day and they are at a family party now, I've been in and out of sleep all day, I feel so drained, this is the point I normally give up and carry on but I need to try and be strong and make a change I'm hoping my friend can come with me to the local women's centre at some point this week.

The thing is, Bizkit, that you are under constant pressure from him - so it's not surprising if you explode occasionally!

A plan would help to give you a purpose, which might help you through the day-to-day crap in the meantime. Even if it's just looking regularly for houses to rent.

By the way, about what you said the other day - you don't need to tell him what your plan is and get his agreement. That's couple thinking - you're not a couple. I would seriously consider not telling him till it's arranged. Then, "I've found a place and I'll be moving out on this date." If you think there's any danger that he will try to stop you taking the DCs, then don't even tell him till you're gone. As long as you don't stop him seeing his DCs in the long term, you'd be doing nothing wrong.

Hello all.

Some updates. Had a lovely couple weeks, was really happy, happier than the last six months with exdp. Had a stressful day yesterday and now suddenly it's all hurting again. I feel so lonely.

I've been stupid. He sent me an email from an unblocked address. Long and apologetic. Asked me to marry him. I laughed at the time, it really was ridiculous. Stupid was instead of putting it straight in trash I actually wrote out a long reply - nothing he would want to hear, but telling him the behaviors he needs to change to ever have a healthy relationship with anyone, that he needs help. I knew it was unlikely to mean anything, but there's this part of me that cares so much and just wants him to improve himself and be happy. Not to be with me, but to lead a better life.

Anyway, he didn't reply to it. And it kind of bothers me. And then I get mad at myself as that's probably his intent. Upsetting me and pulling me in again. Until this I was doing great.

Even then I was fine until last night, had a horrible evening and it made everything start hurting. I miss having a partner. I miss our plans. I wish he could be different so our lives could be different. I wish he cared enough to make changes, but he doesn't. All he wants is me to agree to his empty words and promises, but would never consider examining his behaviors or getting help.

He was most likely just trying to open up communication again to reel you back in. Sorry. That's pretty much what mine did last month (after a dodgy suicide attempt in which he made sure someone rang me to tell me about it). Then it was the push to get back together. When I didn't jump at the chance, he pushed harder. When I still didn't cooperate, he dropped it and went back after OW (and sounds like she possibly fell for it, more fool her).

But you obviously see that it's just that.... empty promises. There's no actual intent to change. He's just trying to draw you back, figuring he'll wear you down.

We all have wobbles. Then we have to shore up the defences and move on. Sorry you're having to deal with this again. It took me a few weeks to get past my recent wobble. It was initially regret, then irritation at him, and then irritation at myself for even listening. I think it takes a while to work through your system.

Hi all..slipped off the radar as I needed a bit of headspace to try and process things. I had written a huge, epic, 'catch-up' post but I lost it. Probably for the best as it was a right old jumble of thoughts and stuff.

Anyway, the general gist is KD is still being exceptionally well behaved, engaging and patient with DC (great for them as it's about bloody time!), and very 'non-pushy- with me wrt a reconcilliation. He's started wearing his wedding ring again, though. Asked me if I'd consider putting mine back on and just shrugged when I said no.

Afternoon in the park feeding ducks today as the weather is lovely and he starts working away mon-fri from tomorrow. He says he intends to skype DC every day and call me every evening once they're in bed to 'natter about our day'.

How do I feel? I don't know. Still very detatched, very cynical and determined not to invest anything emotionally. A couple of weeks good behaviour doesn't mean he's turned over a new leaf forever, does it. And will this good behaviour grind to a halt if I suddenly say I won't consider a reconcilliation?

My gut says I've been here before and it didn't end well.

Sending strength to all of you

Curt Glad you're doing well. I see no issue with him Skyping the dcs, but how will you have any headspace if he rings you every evening to chat? Isn't that a relationship?

You've told him you're separated. So he respects that decision by:
-putting his wedding ring back on and asking you to do so
-telling you he's going to ring you every evening to chat.

A cynical me might think that with him working away, he figures if you are wearing a wedding ring and he rings you every night, he can make sure you don't move on to anyone else and will fall back into a relationship. I'd be willing to bet that he will at some point mention that he wants to know if since he's working away during the week, you could live together again, and then work on things on the weekend......

It kind of sounds like he's forcing his way back into a relationship with you... just keeping pushing on the boundaries over and over and hoping you relent.

sadie, I agree with Alice. Don't beat yourself up about it - we all do things we regret, out of good intentions of wanting them to change. Put it behind you and consider it a learning moment!

alice Funnily enough he 'jokingly' hinted that 'we' would be far better off financially if he didn't have upkeep on his house to pay. Whilst this is true, it's also not going to happen. Not now, maybe not ever.

I think that if you allow him to ring you each evening, he will look at that as a green light that you are getting back together. It's best to keep it to "just the kids" until you've even decided if his "change" is genuine. It does rather seem to be more manipulating though.

I've also had the speech about how we can't separate because financially it doesn't make sense for him to pay for another house as well as having to pay toward this house aswell.

Anyway, I feel a bit better today, have gone to work and it was nice to see some friends. We managed to have a fairly calm conversation about money last night, and I explained as calmly as I could how I was feeling he was treating me unfairly by not offering me help with money when he knew I was struggling, he has given me a bit of money now.

I was going to go to the women's centre later but have things going on with the kids which makes it a bit difficult, I also have emailed him telling him that I will be seeing a solicitor this week and asking if he is sure there is no way we can sort it amicably, it's giving him a chance to see if he can before I go then as least he can't say I was sneaking behind his back or anything. Still awaiting a response.

Bizkit Just be cautious. It's the time when they know you're leaving that things can get quite ugly. Stay safe.