DH left me via an email

[INeedToEat]

I was on holiday with the kids (alone), the day before we were meant to leave (yesterday) I get an email from DH of 13 years saying he has packed up and left. That he has got a flat somewhere but is first going away for over a week and his phone will be turned off. WTF. Oh and I can tell his son or he will tell him when he gets back. Now this isn't some wanker of a bloke, oh no - this one is one of the good ones usually. Hard working, rarely goes out, sober, kind and of course a good father yes really.

Our relationship to be fair could be better, we rarely properly talked and lead pretty individual lives - we have never discussed splitting up and never argue. No obvious signs of an affair but wouldn't be surprised.

I haven't eaten since I got the email. I have been in a haze , walking from one thing to another. I have told my son, he is beside himself particularly because of the no contact. It is killing me watching him in so much pain.

Any practical or emotional support welcomed. I can not think straight.

Hello OP. Popped back in to see how you are doing and the answer is brilliantly!

I know you are still hurting and that will not go away overnight. But by taking everything head on, staying busy and proving to yourself that you CAN do this, you will speed and ease that healing process.

As for NC, remember that THE BEST ANSWER IS NO ANSWER. Nothing (and I really mean NOTHING!) you can think of to say will drive him half as bonkers as saying nothing. Take comfort in that. NC really really is the only way

KOKO!

Fantastic changing the locks, getting out. The cowards behaviour could be the making of you.

RE him having his own business. I would advise you try and sort out maintenance with him. If he is self employed and doesn't want to pay they have a habit of hiding income to CSA.

I think you did just the right thing for your son. If his Dad now lives over an hour away I doubt he would want 50/50 they tend to want to be near their mates at this age but none of this you can answer yet.

I bet you feel good for changing the locks. You are doing so well.

OP you are doing great and have had lots of fantastic advice.

Ineedto, you are doing great. I can't add much to the wonderful advice and sympathy you have had so far except to say there is another out here who had something similar happen and my heart goes out to you and your sons.

The sledghammer of the message and the physical reaction of the body to such a blow are huge, dont underestimate how much it all affects you. Drink wine if you need to, just make sure that you don't allow it to do all the things that you are resolving not to do such as send an angry/sad/questioning email or texts etc.

The others are right about never getting answers, you probably never will and if you press to try to get them you will get justifications or attacks on you, not answers.

The poster who seems to want to support him is either (IMO) another woman waiting her guy to leave his "horrid wife" or a bloke trying to spin it. Ignore the posts that don't help, you are not obliged to read any posts that make you feel worse.

I had a thread on another board (GUT) when all mine fell apart and I don't think I would have survived if it had not been for those wonderful, constantly kind people who were there at all hours, reading my ranty posts and offering me kind advice that helped me recover with dignity (almost). I did all the things that you are advised not to, I pleaded, I wept, I got angry, I called the OW (it turned out there was one after all), I called his family and told them what a tosser he was- I did the lot and none of it made me feel any better. The posters gently reminded me that it would hot help but they did not abandon me, they continued to be there and to respond to my desparation. What did make me feel better was the passage of time, reclaiming my house (I cleaned places that I did not know needed cleaning), I cooked, I shopped and I focussed on my son who was 11 then. I found I could eat (if only a bit) when we ate together, I could forget (for moments) if we read together or watched a move or did a puzzle. My boy was my life for a few years and now he is a 20 year old who seems level headed and wise in the language of parental relationships.

KOKO or "keep passing the open windows" as John Irving put it in Hotel New Hampshire.

You are doing great. KPOW and keep posting here for more wonderful support- it won't dry up and it wont bugger off and leave you.

What a lovely post orange. It's posts like that, that make MN a very special place

I think it takes a long time to reaise that getting answers wont help. First;y because it's unlikely that they will ever tell the truth (ie "I'm a spinless twat"). Even if they did it's unlikely to change anything - he will still be gone. And finally, the truth if you ever get it, will only hurt you all over again.

So really the truth / reasons / justifications etc don't matter now. What matters is getting through today and being kind to yourself and your DS - which is just what you are doing so well OP

I think orange is right - its about reclaiming your space - while protecting your son - sadly that involves not prejudicing his relationship with his father. My experience is that my dcs can still love their df while knowing (through his own actions) what his major character flaws are. We have to give them the tools to protect themselves from potential harm caused by selfish and thoughtless fathers but allow them to still feel love for them. It can be a really tough path to take but again, my experience is that my own relationship with my dc is now stronger than it would have been if their df and I had stayed together.

An unexpected bonus really :-)

Please allow a total stranger off the internet to tell you how impressed they are with you INeedToEat, you are doing brilliantly

Oh wow .. I am floored. Thank you all so much. Really I hope people do keep posting...and the support does not dry up.. I need people to keep posting.. I do not know if i have the strength not to email him without you all. Faceless strangers - thank you. You will never know what this means to me ... friends and family have been great but the advice and encouragement I have received here is awesome, encouraging and wonderful.

Orange - a wonderful post (all of you what wonderful posts) - I can not thank you enough. I am older now (41) no pleading will happen ... but it did with my first relationship ... never again. Please keep de- lurking and I am sorry for what you have been through.

Everyone ... thank you. I have had points today where I have forgotten and points today where I have laughed with a friend. Have not eaten today but tomorrow is another day.

Did not email coward.

De-lurking to wish you & your boy well INeedToEat. There are some great supporters on this thread. My own piece of advice is, never underestimate the power of silence, it will drive the Coward mad.

I remember once some piece of research that showed women were happier after divorce. here

Once the shock has faded and you've got a few organisational issues sorted you will sit back and breathe out gently and feel peace. I promise

Thank you Hold and Front . Each and every word means the world to me.

I have not looked at Cowards 'i am a wanker' email folder since before lunch time. Wonderful.

Talking to DS about arranging to see his dad and no pressure must have put his mind more at ease.

Glad you are getting good support from rl friends.

Oh and nice and helpful of the locksmith to mention the Youtube video.

You've accomplished lots today - hopefully you'll get some sleep.

De-lurking too, to tell you that you are doing really well. Be very gentle with yourself and don't try to do too much in any one day. Please try to eat something - that panicky feeling is partly hunger. The sudden end of any relationship is the beginning of a mourning process. You have suffered shock and bereavement. Call someone, even someone you haven't spoken to in years, who has been through something similar. I had a similar experience ten years ago and kept it entirely to myself ( was inexplicably ashamed, like it was my fault) and that was a terrible thing to do. Years later, an old friend who I'd known at college, phoned me to tell me that her husband had walked out that night - total bolt from the blue to her. I got in the car and drove for four hours to go and help her with her DC. Not a stealth boast about what a great friend I am, I'm just saying that knowing how difficult it was for me to reach out and ask for help, I wanted to go and help.
You are a powerful woman. Do not contact the coward. Focus on DS and any other immediate practicalities. If you can think of any small thing that your "DH" didn't like you to do, maybe do it, just for badness! Xxx

Well done OP! I hope your DS is doing better now. How heartless coward is to do that to his son.

The power of strangers has really hit me tonight...I really cannot put into words the effect you ALL have had on me. Cherished each and every one of you. Wish you were my neighbours (any of you live near north london? or willing to travel?). Another chat with son tonight - he is still so sad.... crying and needs something I am not sure I can give alone.

A thank you from the bottom of my heart.

No advice, OP, but just delurking to say that you are doing so well! My XH left me...not in a cowardly way as yours has done, but I know the shock and devastation you must be feeling.

My marriage too was sub-standard by the time it ended. Almost four years on I know his decision was the right one, but at the time I felt like my life was over. I am so impressed with how you are handling it.

Your DS11 is so lucky to have a mum as strong as you. KOKO.

Internet strangers got me through my divorce. I meet up with them once a year (used to be a bit more, but time is rolling on). We chat a lot every day now.

I think it's quite common to find support in this way. (RL friends are really important too.) The internet's constant availability for a comforting word, far more life experiences to share and draw wisdom from, anonymity when you just want to vent make it a good place for support. Make sure you avail yourself of RL support as well and don't pretend to cope or feel obliged to look like you are.

I wish I was near N London because I think a coffee or a bottle of wine could be shared with lots of laughter actually

Coward will have the knowledge that he has to return to RL, hanging over him. His little escape and demand for no contact and silence won't have brought him the avoidance of life that he wants. He will have to face it all soon. Just as his withdrawal and refusal to discuss infuriated or hurt you, you can treat him to the same. No contact. Don't give him any opportunity to respond. All he will do is seek to absolve himself hanging his actions on your words. Let him live with himself over what he has done
He doesn't exist now.

Morning !!

Wednesday already, blimey. Time has gone quicker than I imagined it would.

Thanks for the messages of advice and support.

Son's furniture arriving today and a friend visiting this afternoon.

Thinking about going away for longer than Mon-Wed and go Mon-Friday instead. Also thinking about taking more time off work somehow and being around until son starts school on the 3rd Sept.

Been thinking of my initial contact with Coward. It is likely that he will call me I think, maybe email. If he calls I shall not answer. When I have some free time (I will be on holiday with son) I will email him this:

Please do not call me again. The only contact I will respond to is via this email address . I have taken our son on his promised holiday. We will be returning in a few days. I will contact you at some point via email on our return once I have established whether son would like contact with you.

In the mean time please write a list of anything you feel belongs to you which still remains in my home. These will be considered and returned to you in the near future.

Too much ? too little ? What you think?

I'm tempted to critique your message. Tell me to do one if I overstep the mark but I'm probably a little harder than you are (divorce does that to a person!).

1. Remove "please do not call me again". Cowards don't need to be begged.

I'd change it to - It is better if we keep our communication by email, using this email address: [email protected].

It is more assertive in stressing your opinion, you wants are the only important consideration from now on.

2. Our son is fine. He will make contact with you when he's ready. We are currently on holiday. Should you wish to contact him, please email a time and day and I'll let our son know to expect your call.

3. Remove when you are returning - he can learn that when he finally admits to being a father and gets in touch with his son.

4. Don't ask for a list that he feels belongs to him. Any possessions that remain in your home are his problem until you decide you want them removed. If there's anything, put it to one side until he asks for it.

I think you are being quite gentle and courteous with him. Your email could be more assertive, but then again I'm the first to admit that this probably says more about me than it may help you!

I would say:

Do not call me again. I will only communicate with you by email and only in relation to our son. Your remaining possessions have been bagged up and will be delivered to (name of mutual friend) for you to collect.

I like the bit about establishing whether or not your son wants contact - shows that he is not in control of the situation/ he doesn't get to dictate what happens.

You sound so strong

No no any help is taken in the way it is meant. I will have a think and re word. Thinking about it me might email, he is after all a coward, so I would not have to say anything about not calling.

ohfour, not feeling particularly strong.

I've learnt that strong is not the fact that you're a devastated, anxious snotty mess,

Strong is in fact accepting that you can take responsibility for what happens from now on in.

Strong is not emailing, not begging and faking it til you make it.

As someone said on my thread: If you're going through hell, keep going.

That's takes strength!