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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH left me via an email

746 replies

INeedToEat · 09/08/2014 14:36

I was on holiday with the kids (alone), the day before we were meant to leave (yesterday) I get an email from DH of 13 years saying he has packed up and left. That he has got a flat somewhere but is first going away for over a week and his phone will be turned off. WTF. Oh and I can tell his son or he will tell him when he gets back. Now this isn't some wanker of a bloke, oh no - this one is one of the good ones usually. Hard working, rarely goes out, sober, kind and of course a good father yes really.

Our relationship to be fair could be better, we rarely properly talked and lead pretty individual lives - we have never discussed splitting up and never argue. No obvious signs of an affair but wouldn't be surprised.

I haven't eaten since I got the email. I have been in a haze , walking from one thing to another. I have told my son, he is beside himself particularly because of the no contact. It is killing me watching him in so much pain.

Any practical or emotional support welcomed. I can not think straight.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 13/08/2014 10:11

I'm sure you don't feel strong at all, but I can promise you that you are. You're doing brilliantly - never ever think that you're not Thanks

tribpot · 13/08/2014 10:12

I wouldn't plan this in too much detail in advance, in case he doesn't contact you in the way you're expecting, and you're thrown by being over-prepared, if you see what I mean. The key thing in whatever way he does finally choose to make contact is not to respond at once. Even if he comes to the door, simply stand there in silence until you are ready to speak, think about what you want to say.

I would establish a separate email address for communication with him - yes, he knows your current one but it gives you more control over communication if you have a separate one.

I agree with WWK's critique, although I think it is important to stress that the decision about contact rests with your son. Whereas if you imply he will answer the phone at a given time it puts the onus on him to do so. Could your son establish contact via email when he's ready? Or could he phone his dad when he wishes to speak? (From a pre-agreed number given you may have established you will not communicate with him by phone)

WellWhoKnew · 13/08/2014 10:14

Oh, also don't send that email - it is the response you send when he breaks radio silence.

You.do.not.break.radio.silence.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 13/08/2014 10:16

Delurking to say you are doing so well. You changed your own fricking locks! You're amazing.

I would go very carefully on contact and not make any promises in your email - I very much feel that while you should encourage contact overall, your 11 yo is reeling at the moment and the next 'phase' of things (for want of a better word) need to be at your son's pace and under your son's control. You need to make that clear to Coward too.

ravenmum · 13/08/2014 10:25

Changing the locks is really impressive :-)

My husband doesn't answer his phone when I call him from our home number or my mobile. This has caused the kids some unhappiness, as clearly they also sometimes want to call him from home, but now they both have mobiles and have started charging them regularly so he sends them text messages. (And blames me for poisoning their minds against him when they don't answer fast enough, but...) Does your son have his own mobile? Might be another thing to arrange. Maybe your husband would agree to talk to just him? Though I should hope he feels bloody embarrassed talking to his son at first.

ravenmum · 13/08/2014 10:26

husband --> ex

Original poster
INeedToEat · 13/08/2014 11:00

I wont be sending any emails until I hear from him first. Son has an mobile that has never been used. Not sure of the number but can find this out.

Taking notes of your advice.

My dad turned up this morning, with flowers. Bless him.

Son's furniture just arrived - in massive boxes ! Not sure I am even going to be able to get them upstairs!! God why did I think I could do this alone.

The stomach churning anxiety has returned.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 13/08/2014 11:03

Just a thought op. Is there someone your son can talk to? Aunt? Family friend? It might help him to talk it trough with someone who is not do directly involved. Get his thoughts a bit straighter.

I'm not saying for one minute that you're not saying the right things to him. Or that you're not listening to him because I know you are. Just that it must all be so raw and emotional for you both, it might help him to chat to someone "neutral" about how he's feeling?

Just a thought anyway

Hope you're ok today. Xx

ravenmum · 13/08/2014 11:13

That is true. Our son found it especially hard, I think, as his dad is / should be his main male role model. He was having trouble concentrating in school, and eventually they found him a counsellor there who was really good, meeting up with him whenever he said he needed a chat. I think he appreciated the fact that the counsellor is properly trained in these things and could offer support in different ways to me.

Ledkr · 13/08/2014 11:30

Similar happened to me years ago. I had four kids one a baby and was recovering from breast cancer.
After initially falling apart and being pretty pitiful a few mates pulled me together and helped me to toughen up.
I sent a text saying that with hindsight I agreed with his decision and a suggestion of what he needed to pay me along with a breakdown of financial outgoings and my income. Also when he would be required to look after HIS CHILDREN.
Feeling like shit I got on with life and concentrated on making my children feel secure and sorting out my own life.
He was gutted. Seeing I could cope made him regret his selfish actions (he was seeing someone of course) but I stuck my nose in the air and told him to feck orf.
I had daily begging and requests to meet to talk.
I met him once for a drink but left when he went to the toilet as I couldn't bear to speak to the toad.
He booked us a holiday "to talk" so I changed his name to my sisters and went with her instead, only informing him on the day we were supposed to go and leaving him to look after the children.
I lost weight had my hair cut and dyed and got a promotion.
To this day he regrets what he did whereas I'm happy, remarried and my chikdren are fine.
Fuck him, you can do this.
I'll leave you with some great advice from a lovely friend.
"I can't cope!l" I wailed.
"You have arms and legs don't you? Of course you can cope fgs"
Hilarious but true!

Granville72 · 13/08/2014 11:34

You're doing brilliantly.

Have you a friendly neighbour that could give you a hand upstairs with the boxes? Either that or just unpack them downstairs and carry up in more manageable pieces.

Oh, and big boxes for your son to make a fort or a car out of to play in?

ohfourfoxache · 13/08/2014 11:46

Son's furniture just arrived - in massive boxes ! Not sure I am even going to be able to get them upstairs!! God why did I think I could do this alone.

But you are doing this - you've changed the lock, you're beginning to plan for the future. You're thinking about what you are going to say to him when he contacts you.

Please don't be scared. It seems insurmountable, but in truth you're already on the journey

Losingmyreligion · 13/08/2014 11:47

Delurking to say you are an inspiration, though I'm sure you'd rather not be in the position where you have to be.

Is your son in touch with any of his school friends? It might do him good to go swimming or to the cinema with a couple of mates. I only say this because when our daughter died this year it was great for DS to be able to see his friends at school and chat normally to them. Different situations I know but just a thought. Being the summer holidays complicates things, added to the fact that he will be starting a new school soon. Are some of his friends from primary school going to the same secondary?

My son is the same age as yours. I've been touched by the way the friends have been there for each other (one of his best friends lost his dad in the same month our daughter died).

IrianofWay · 13/08/2014 12:17

Good luck OP. You are utterly amazing xx

WellWhoKnew · 13/08/2014 13:24

Ledkr:

He booked us a holiday "to talk" so I changed his name to my sisters and went with her instead, only informing him on the day we were supposed to go and leaving him to look after the children.

I think this is utterly brilliant!

Realistic targets I need to eat you aim to do one box. Then you sit down, have a coffee, do some MN, have a little cry/wine/chocolate. If you think the task is mammoth before you start, it will be. If you set a small task, then you'll feel the benefit of accomplishment.

You can do this - it's just the first time you're doing it so you'll be a little crap at it. Once they are all built, you'll be considering carpentry/joinery as a career choice: you are that empowered.

KOKO.

hellsbellsmelons · 13/08/2014 13:27

Full on furniture is near on impossible to assemble by yourself.
Get your dad back round and do it with him.
I'm sure an extra pair of hands will help you no end.

You're still doing great.
KOKO!

ravenmum · 13/08/2014 13:31

Ha ha, yes, that means of making sure there is childcare available is clever :-)

I disassembled my husband's glass display case for his collection of boy toys and moved it downstairs for a more mature collection of glasses. Almost smashed it on the floor but not quite! You'll manage somehow INeed, even if it means being forced to go round to that muscly neighbour down the road and ask him to help you, then having to make him a nice cup of tea to say thanks. Or was that a plotline from Desperate Housewives?

BitOutOfPractice · 13/08/2014 13:43

losingmyreligion I am so so sorry for your loss xx

PlantsAndFlowers · 13/08/2014 13:58

I thought your e mail sounded fine.

hoboken · 13/08/2014 14:04

INeed, you're doing brilliantly at a hellish time. Guess you may have done this already but can you unpack the boxes and enlist your son's help to carry the furniture upstairs (am assuming it's in kit form)? You can assemble it together. Not in London which I think is where you are, but perhaps there might be another MNer who could come round and give you a hand.

If you don't feel up to tasks now, leave them until after your time away. Small steps. You will build up your energy, your knowledge and your self reliance. You will sometimes be strong and sometimes not. Good luck!

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 13/08/2014 14:07

You are doing it OP and you're doing just fine.
Re flat pack furniture, if you don't fancy doing it yourself and family etc can't help have a scout around because there are always handymen who will take on these kind of jobs. They sometimes advertise as Ikea or similar assembly taken on.

I was wondering if you'd be better to set up a brand new gmail address specifically for communications from the ex? You can set it up so they get forwarded to the account you use all the time, but you will then have a paper trail/file of all the communications he sends.
It's not at all hard to do.

FWIW I wouldn't communicate with him about anything except to inform him of a new email address. The onus is on him to sort out seeing his son.
I'd spill on here for support and say as little as possible to anyone else for now.

All the best Thanks

starlight1234 · 13/08/2014 16:36

Red message. I would simply not reply. If he rings don't answer. Leave mobile off if you can ..give yourself a break from expecting calls. Let parents friends know and that you will contact them let them know you are fine .

I would not tell him you are away, or anything else for that matter.

I also echo what someone else said about does DS have someone else he can chat to ..He is old enough to understand how hurt you are and may mot be saying things positive or negative about his Dad for fear of upsetting you x

tribpot · 13/08/2014 17:09

You may need to throw yourself on the kindness of friends a bit to get the big stuff done, but that's how it goes. I have to do it all the time as my DH is disabled, so anything I need help with in the house I have to ask my best friend to come round. In return I do have to do things like help him look for new flats when he's moving (I actually quite like this) and collect furniture with him 200 miles away at short notice so it's not all one way. But people don't mind, genuinely. If you make it clear you are simply asking a favour, if it's not convenient that's quite okay, people will want to help you.

In the short term with the furniture you may need to open the boxes downstairs and move them up piece by piece.

butterfliesinmytummy · 13/08/2014 17:24

My dh travels for work a month at a time. I've (stupidly) ordered wardrobes that need to be built and a carried them upstairs bit by bit to be built (by me). Treat yourself to a cordless screwdriver if you don't already have one ... Saves blisters and hours!

MasterFlea · 13/08/2014 18:10

I'm amazed by how you are coping. You are fabulous!

Also, re the flat packs. Ask your friends and family if anyone can help you. Some people love assembling them. I'm one of those freaks. It is like a kinder surprise for adults to me.

What a fuckwit your DP is.