DH left me via an email

[INeedToEat]

I was on holiday with the kids (alone), the day before we were meant to leave (yesterday) I get an email from DH of 13 years saying he has packed up and left. That he has got a flat somewhere but is first going away for over a week and his phone will be turned off. WTF. Oh and I can tell his son or he will tell him when he gets back. Now this isn't some wanker of a bloke, oh no - this one is one of the good ones usually. Hard working, rarely goes out, sober, kind and of course a good father yes really.

Our relationship to be fair could be better, we rarely properly talked and lead pretty individual lives - we have never discussed splitting up and never argue. No obvious signs of an affair but wouldn't be surprised.

I haven't eaten since I got the email. I have been in a haze , walking from one thing to another. I have told my son, he is beside himself particularly because of the no contact. It is killing me watching him in so much pain.

Any practical or emotional support welcomed. I can not think straight.

Thank you all. So much. Dont worry the post didn't upset me too much and I had a lovely sleep till 10am this morning. Most needed too.

I have not contacted Coward. Though I am struggling with it. I am struggling because given his lack of conversation going silent is probably what he would love the most. I do not want to tell him I love him and want him back - I just want to tell him what a coward he has been and how much he has hurt his son. But I guess unless he is completely detached from his feeling he will already know this.

Kinda wish I live in a village instead of the faceless London!

Not looking forward to the next few weeks ...many friends and my sister will be heading off on their summer holidays.

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful and considered responses. I wish I was able to do the same for you all. I am sure when i am stronger I will be able to return the favour.

Only you believe that he would love it the most, however, your lack of response will discombobulate him:

You ARE communicating your disappointment in him by not giving him a moment of your time.

You ARE communicating that his absence has been noted and dealt with.

You ARE communicating that you need this time to heal, make practical arrangements and get on with your life - without his involvement.

I don't know about you - but if I abandoned by spouse without warning, in what is really a dramatic and attention seeking manner, as much as it is cowardly, I would be quite pissed off with not getting any drama or attention. I would feel quite deflated.

And to hammer the point home, he's not writing to see if you are okay or your boy is coping. He is writing to get attention directed to him.

So focus on keeping you okay and your boy positive - you have limited energy so don't squander it.

I will hand on heart admit that going 'No Contact' with my STBXH has escalated my problems, he has essentially hit the roof that I am making my own decisions without consulting him. How very dare I?

Because I am an independent woman who is having to cope with the biggest decision of them all, deal with the mess and the emotions, which he caused. So he can just fuck off.

Does that help at all?

I know you feel that going silent just plays into his hands, but the alternative, where you reach out and he fails to respond, diminishes your power in this situation.

Keep your powder dry. He doesn't care what you think, he won't even read the bits about how much he's hurt his son. Because in his mind he has made a noble sacrifice to the greater good and you just don't understand it yet.

The important thing now is to focus on you and your ds. Can you make an appointment with a solicitor to talk the legal options through? Can you and ds get out for a nice lunch and a movie somewhere?

abandoned MY spouse is what I should have written.

I have been abandoned by him - so I know how that feels directly!

Gosh you're an inspiration INeedToEat. KOKO.

Re the radio silence, I agree with keeping the silence going. You replying to him gives him the power to not reply to you IYSWIM. Type till your fingers want to drop off, print it out and burn it. how very modern

Ok I get it - god you are all so right. The power for him not to reply to me sentences just hit me in the stomach...and makes sense. He would do that and i would be mighty fucked off. I am sick of feeling angry and do not want to be part of anything that will make me angrier. For today I will have the motivation for no contact.

Been thinking about the practical arrangements this morning. Son's contact and maintenance. What is normal these days?

Contact depends on:

the age of your son, and as he's about to go to secondary school, he is able to speak up for himself, I'd see what he would want right now. The needs of the child are paramount were contact is considered.

Has he got anywhere suitable to house your son? This is not essential if he's going to take him out say one evening mid-week and every other weekend. But if he's living in a crack den, for example, you may not be happy about overnights!

What The Coward wants. Theoretically he could take you to court for access, but most people recognise that that can be detrimental to the wellbeing of their children.

In that respect, sit back and wait for the The Coward to consider his access wants, and negotiate it from there.

Maintenance. Someone wiser than me will direct you to the CSA calculator. I think if he has no other children it's around the 20% of his Net Income, but it may be affected by his other 'needs', e.g. he has to be able to house himself (rent/buy) first. So if he's a low income earner, maintenance is very minimal.

On this matter, do your homework and be ready to inform him of what he will be paying as and when he breaks radio silence for access/woe is me.

www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

Don't know how accurate this is but it might give you an idea.

Contact should really be 50/50 if you both work full time.
However, it very rarely works like that.
Standard seems to be one evening a week (not overnight) and then every other weekend (overnights).

Well done keeping silent. It must be torture but hang on in there!

I am happy for son to have the lead on how much he wants to see his dad. But I do not want to make it his decision because he will feel like he has to choose.

I can not imagine coward living in a shit whole and trust that he would provide somewhere suitable for son. Is every other weekend pretty much normal these days, with one mid week visit? During my last break up we went 50/50 shared (I worked shifts back then + other son was much younger) - No maintenance was ever paid because of the 50/50 split. We both paid half towards child care/clothes/school uniforms and school trips.

Money wise and very oddly to some I have no idea what coward earns (and vice versa). He also owns his own company so I guess he could pay himself whatever he wanted. Might get tricky. Before this I paid all the bills (Rent, gas, elec, sky, BT, water, community charge etc) except for food shopping and weekly takeaway. He also put £200 a month into my account (we paid for our own mobiles and car's etc)

We do both work full time but my hours has meant that I could do both ends of the school runs. He works an hours drive away from here. If the new flat is near his work (Likely) then it would be a pain to get him back for school if we went 50/50

Thank you for the look will look now.

Son will no longer need me for the school run as he starts at a secondary a minute or two away.

Link * !!

Seems £50 a week is fair. Fuck all considering I just paid 1k for his bedroom and will be paying £300 for his uniform, plus £200 for a school trip he has during the 2nd week of school.

Huh? Now he's left, he's going to end up paying more? Isn't that funny!

He's a CowardCockLodger!

I don't know if you have yet, but it would be worth having a consultation with a divorce solicitor soon so that you can get some advice on all this.

Clearly until he returns and starts actually talking with you about details, it's hard to second guess what he wants but it might be worth getting forewarned as to the process and options ahead of you.

And you are probably helping people already. There will be lurkers and posters going through similar who know they are not alone because of your posts. Keep strong, you are being amazing even though you don't feel it!

Thank you both.

Been out with son. First time I have driven since before the holiday. Part of my illness has been agoraphobia and having difficulties leaving the house. I was fine.

Been to the dump, collected medication, stopped at Tesco's to buy a film son wants to watch and went to the school shop for all son's lovely new uniform. Son seems happy with it all. Had a conversation with him about contact. Did not push it too hard but said that we could take it at his pace about initial contact and then see how he feels about more regular contact. Explained that what ever he decides is not set in stone eg: if he decided he wants to go there for one night he can later decide to up or lower this - depending on how he is feeling. Have explained he can call/facetime/email or see his dad for initial contact. Whatever he wants - and that his dad understands if he wants to take it more slowly. Reminded him this is not his fault and we both love them.

ooo my shopping just arrived. Why in the hell did he always go shopping when it is this easy? This is fab !!

It isnt/wasnt a cocklodger. He paid £150 on food/house/cat stuff a week plus £30 on a take away =£720pm + £200 in my bank account =£920. This is roughly what I spent on all the other bills. Everything else we split or took turns in.

Friend coming over tonight. Another friend coming tomorrow afternoon. It is very freeing to not be checking emails all the time.

Thanks

(I hope that this isn't inappropriate, but I love how you have a weekly takeaway spend as one of your "bills").

Ah! I misunderstood what he was contributing.

Sounds like you handled things well with your son. Great that you've got company. You're doing well.

It's good to hear you got out of the house and that it wasn't too bad.
And you like shopping - Result!!!
I hope things keep improving like this.
Well done with your son.
Exactly the right thing to do.
KOKO!

LOL Viv - it was a very important part of the week!!

Wellwho - sorry for the misunderstanding. He has always paid his way. I don't suspect that will change unless son decides he does not want to see him and some how that will be my fault - and he will 'punish' me with withholding money. Luckily I do not actually need his money to live which is relieving after last time where I was left relying on 'the man'. Never again. So he can play any game he likes.

Hells, the shopping delivery was awesome - I love food shopping! lol. I am grateful about your comments that I am saying the right things to son.

The locks are changed !! BIL couldn't do it so I went to locksmiths with pictures today. The guy said they were so busy they could not fit me in for a week. But he kinda told me to watch a You tube clip ....and it was really easy. Popped the lock out...when and brought new one (Bonus only £17) and fitted it back in. Who knew I had so many strings to my bow !!

You're doing great OP. I've lost track. Is he expected "back" at any point? Does he have any reason, such as belongings still at your house, to come back?

OP you are doing brilliantly. Just wanted to say that

I do not know what to do when and if he calls or turns up. He still has his key. You could always 1. change the locks and 2. be out/away that day. Then he gets 'home' to an empty house he can't get into.

I would be wanting to show him what no contact means. He alone doesn't get to choose how long that goes on for.

Oooops! Sorry posted before realising so many more pages…will go back and read the rest. Glad to see you have changed the locks!

Viv he is 'expected back' in the country on Tuesday. He has a flat. I have no idea if he will call, turn up or email.

He doesn't need to come back really. Took clothes and toiletries.... no personal belongings left here apart for a few pairs of shoes, some books, a water cooler and a hat - which are all in the shed.

When the food was delivered today I removed all 'his food' and threw it away eg: yogurts that none of us left here eat.

Oneskinny- thankyou so much.